Teach Your Brain to Accept Healthy Love

Why are we attracted to other people? It’s a question for the ages, isn’t it? Usually, at the heart of the matter, we feel that our attraction to others is just something we can’t explain and can’t control. But something we’ve been talking about here should ring a bell with you now: what if your brain is making choices about who you’re attracted to, based on criteria you’re not aware of?

Brain scan studies have shown that early romantic love generates a unique pattern of brain activity. Regions of the brain related to addiction and even mental illness light up on the scan when a person sees a photo of his or her beloved. This happens regardless of the culture the person is from, telling us that attraction depends mostly on this search that the inner brain is doing for its “love object.”

The brain’s reaction to a new acquaintance carrying the promise of romantic love happens even before our rational, conscious cognition kicks in. The brain is definitely subconsciously looking for, and responding to, something in this other person. But what is it?

We are in the early stages of knowing how the brain works. Ours is only a guess, but perhaps what the brain is looking for is to re-establish a bridge to a person, a person with characteristics similar to the one who caused and primed us for relationships: the caretaker figure. What the qualities this caretaker had (secure, ambivalent, avoidant), this was the way of brain defined “love.” Then and there, that became the model we had for connection. The brain said to itself, this caretaker helps us survive, so their definition of “love” must be the right one.

You can see where this can become a problem. If you had an avoidant caretaker, your brain is hardwired to search for other avoidant people to love you. You may suddenly realize at 40 that you want a secure attachment, and if you look back, you’ll see that you already had good, secure people in your past. They were there, they approached you, and you rejected them because they were boring! They lacked the drama of your own avoidant attachment, which taught you that anger, abandonment and emotional isolation were “the way connections are supposed to be.”

Here, the meaning of the word “detox” comes to the fore. If you realize that you have become an “addict” to people who are insecure, anxious and always running away from commitment, simply because this was your first relationship blueprint, how do you detox your brain from this?

How can you teach your brain to light up when it finds a secure person, who can respect and accept you warts and all? This is the core of “being in relationships as existential learning theory”: how can a secure relationship teach your brain to love? How can you re-train your brain to stop going after toxins, and start seeking nourishment, essentially choosing how your brain is going to see the world?

This is what we are here for; this is what we help people do. Don’t hesitate to begin healing with us today, if your situation is like the one above. Your entire person deserves fulfillment that is nourishing and conducive to your growth; not toxins supplied by destructive persons. Call us today at Conflict Coach to speak about how you can shift your perspectives and train your brain for love.


Neil Warner

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation at Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!


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