Can you fight with respect?
A time ago, I saw this interesting piece of information: Dr. Gottman’s study on married couples explained how it is possible to predict if they will stay married or divorce. How is this possible? Watch the first five minutes of a conflict between the sides of the couple, and you can know in 95% of the cases if they got a chance to stay married!
What is this powerful indicator that Dr. Gottman was focusing on?
The communication styles used by both sides, when the fight begins.
Four very definite conflict moves will tell if you if they know how to fight fair, or if they are going for the jugular, as in any other street conflict you can have.
There is a fine line between constructive conflict and destructive one…and here it is crossed early on.
Yes, the first sorry mistake is to forget that you are fighting with the person you love and begin fighting as if your loved one is an enemy to destroy. What kind of satisfaction will you obtain if you win the piddly battle now but lose the war and end up losing your spouse in the long run?
Looks silly to respond that you want to “win”, but that is what most people do. Let’s see how they fight:
The Nasty Fight has four elements:
a) Begin criticizing the other person immediately, about something real or about something you’ve imagined that the person did. It doesn’t matter if it is real, the effect is to get the other person feeling criticized in a very real way;
b) Defend yourself immediately, and don’t consider if the other person has said something true. To protect yourself is the first duty, and doing that reject any opening to share the responsibility or worry by listening.
c) Even better, do the total silence/stonewalling answer. You withdraw from the conversation, deny that you have something to do, and block the communication lines between your spouse and you. 85% of the stonewallers were men, by the way, in Gottman’s study.
d) Contemp is the last move you can do to destroy your partner’s trust in you. You are the superior one and look at her as observing her from the high levels of your better judgment. She has to appear small, insignificant, and silly…help convey this meaning by doing some put-downs, correcting her ideas or language, making fun of some ideas, and laughing at loud at such silliness.
That is all! Did you see yourself in some of these behaviors?
Are they your first answer when you feel cornered by circumstances too difficult to accept?
And now, are you a bit scared of the price you will pay for this conflict-creating behavior?
Well, it’s not so difficult to change and learn to have more positive confrontations.
Begin by using more respectful phrases like these when asking:
“Can you tell me more about what worries you? I’m here to listen;”
“And you were hurt by my behavior? how so?”
” I understand that you did what you did because you had good reasons, and I trust your judgment; perhaps I’m missing information?”
“We need to talk about this issue, and I find myself resisting, but be patient and bring me back when I wander?”
“When you tell me your reactions as now, I feel a bit scared of the consequences, but allow me to walk around a bit…”
More information about how you can learn to have conversations with your partner without aggression? And doing so transforms your relationship into one more humane and respectful one?
Have a look at Fair Fighting
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