Emotional Abuse Roots? ->Male Depression

Is male depression connected to emotional abuse roots?


Sometimes, when wives ask themselves: Why is he behaving in this nasty way? they try to find an answer to the disappointment of having to live with an abusive person. Usually, this abusive person is like Mr Jekill, appearing in contrast to the most normal, everyday guy, “Mr Hide.” This means that the women are puzzled by the emergence of a passive aggressive, controlling and demeaning man taking the place of the husband they know…

You either decide that he is doing unwanted behavior because he is bad or morally sick:

a) an intrinsically bad person, revealing at last his mean intentions
b) a sick person, a psychopath who finally can’t control his darker impulses.

Reading this posting brings a third alternative:

c) A highly depressive person, linked to his own past abuse experience by making another person experience what he felt as his own feelings of hurt.

Here we can see this mindset exposed, where he is either giving her the silent treatment or blaming her for everything at the next minute:

“The emotional abuse I saddled on those around me remains the worse product of my depression. I allowed depression to burden not only me, but two girlfriends, my family, and my closest friends. One girl could not deal with it and ended up leaving me. The other stuck around longer, and I abused her emotions without knowing it. I was terrifyingly cold and unfeeling, even as she broke down into tears and begged me to say anything. I made her feel responsible for anything that went wrong in my life. I left her more than once without warning, but would soon come back and manipulate her damaged emotions to get back together.

All of it was a way for me to artificially build myself back up.

I was trying to destroy my depression, but I ended up harming the most vulnerable people in my life. Cowardice and dishonesty dictated my thinking.

What underlies all these abuses is a fundamental disgust and anger with one’s self. I manipulated the emotions of everyone around me to bring them down to my level and feel better about my station in life. Admitting my weakness terrified me so much that I went out and tore away.”

Here it is, black on white, what we had finally to realize:

a) there is nothing she has to be blamed for;
b) He is using a trick (humiliating other) to build his self-esteem;
c) the root is his misguided effort to cover up his “disgust and anger” at himself.
d) there is very little she can do, from the place of the humiliated person, to help the abusive husband gain more self-respect; he has first to stop this toxic avoidance of his basic self-esteem problem.

In short: the husband or boyfriend who abuses his partner and humiliates her is doing this under the misguided idea that by putting her down and destroying her peace of mind, he will be above her, therefore will be more powerful, therefore regaining a lost control of himself and thus feeling “manly” again.

All this toxic circuit is acted on only to avoid looking at the basic problem: He doesn’t value or accept himself as a valuable, respectable person from the beginning!

Shouldn’t women leave people like this passive aggressive husband alone, so he can find his way inside, without torturing some external surrogate? At least, we know now that the most loving attitude she can display towards him will not cure his lack of self-esteem….so, staying with him is totally useless.

Neil Warner

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

( Guest post from S.M. Leahy, at The Art of Manliness )

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