St. Valentine’s Day is coming again!

Can you ignore it? Of course you can…if it is too painful to remember what it means, right?
Basically, it reminds us of the excitement from love feelings. Love feelings? Ha, what were those, you might ask?

When you first fall in love, there are certain chemicals in your brain that make all your perspective shift into high gear…you really know that you are in love, because you feel it all the time. Your pulse quickens; your heart beats and this delicious feeling of anticipation gives a rosy tint to your (previously boring) life.

You also know what follows: once the first wave of excitement is gone, or destroyed by some unkind comment or nasty put down, dissapointment sets in. You are in a relationship, right, but the pulse-quickening excitement is gone! Now, you tell yourself that at least, you get security being in this relationship, and that has to be enough…

The chemistry of love is based on the brain: every time we produce a feeling or a thought, we can be sure that it is based on a chemical track in our brain. The love excitement felt by the chemicals in the brain is highly addictive!

And we all need that burst of dopamine in the brain that makes us feel alive, excited, deeply connected and successful…either produced by a relationship, or produced from being in love with our own lives.

Well, then, here is a different tack on this Valentine issue: can you get equally excited about loving your own life? Self-love is usually discounted up front, but without a deep connection with yourself, you will always be waiting for others to give you recognition, support and love!

And we all know that putting your self esteem at the mercy of others is not a good starting point for any relationship. Sometimes we accept the pain of a bad relationship as a screen that covers the first hurt: we are abandoning ourselves! We learned that while growing up and being not appreciated in our families; now is normal to feel not worthy of love and connection with others.

If you know that an important part of your happiness is being cared for and appreciated by your partner, be sure that you respect and care for yourself and your own projects first. Whatever makes you happy and gets you excited about your life has to be cared for and included in your life plan, either single or married.

And what is important for you has to be important for any partner you can select: don’t accept that your spouse rejects or ignores an important part of you. It is the equivalent to rejecting a piece of you, so don’t agree of dumping those values or that interest only because he tells you it’s worthless.

Take stock of what you are looking for to make yourself happy. Whatever the kind of emotional abuse you had in your past, we need to remember that the basic task of life: to accept and love oneself is still to be done. We are responsible for a life project that is uniquely ours; nobody else can do it for us. If you didn’t learn to love yourself growing up, why can’t you accept this Valentine day to begin doing it?

Only when we recover the path to self-development, we get in touch again with this wonderful person inside us waiting to grow up, be mature and independent and able to enter only into relationships full of support and respect.

Now, isn’t it a wonderful Valentine message to be able to look us in the mirror and say: “Here is to you and your happiness, lovely girl! Happy Valentine!”

Neil Warner

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.


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