couple fighting
Why are there some people more angry than others? Life is an equal opportunity “dissapointer” …in the sense that there is not a universal right to happiness for anybody. So why some people appear to have more anger issues than others?
It all begins, of course, in infancy, where we all as children have a keen sense of what is just. A lot of things that happen to us are basically gross unfairness. Being told that we are stupid, or lazy, or worthless by the same people who are supposed to love us; being denied acceptance or appreciation and affection are all crimes against young souls that can’t defend themselves…only register the hurt. So we can share the basic definition of anger, as:
“Anger is the emotional response to real or perceived injustice.”
Now, whenever we don’t receive what we think is fair, or just, we get angry in such a way that people see us as having anger problems.
What we don’t perceive today is the hidden pressure of the old, childhood anger…If we did not have the opportunity to reckon how wrong we were treated when growing up, and heal our anger issues, then we pile up a long repressed sense of “world injustice done to us” and are more prone to react with strong feelings to any present provocations…
This old anger has been for a long time in need of healing. If we can come across this process of searching for and identifying the old wounds and accepting them, we can be in the best path for dealing with anger in the right way. We need to face old feelings of resentment because being mistreated and humiliated. It will allow us to reconnect with repressed aspects of our self, and with the true sense of what was just (or not) done to us, but also with forgiveness and appreciation.
Want to let go of resentment? Then stop controlling anger and begin accepting that you have deep reasons to be angry, that you are angry with people from your past, not people from your present, and that the situations and people of the present who make you angry now are poor substitutes for your real targets.
Basically, the best anger management process is locating the first hurts received in our lives, processing them by forgiving our parents for being so horrible raising us (they did the best they could, which wasn’t a lot for most of us) and letting go of the historic injustice.
Then now you can look around at your anger targets of today, and laugh at them because they can’t be worst than your parents, even if they try!
Neil Warner
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