This is the Most Important Key for a Happy Marriage!

Do you Want to have a Happy Marriage?

In life, we are always learning how to do relationships better. Is a constant process… and we can never be completely sure that we do it to the complete satisfaction of the person we relate to. In short, being happy in a relationship is a moving target, and we can aspire only to a decent average of happy days, and some percentage of painful opportunities to learn something about ourselves.

Today I want to comment on an old idea of mine, coming from way back in my life. When I was just married, and facing the adjustment to a different form of life for me, with a person not of my tribe, but from a different family, I was confused and only catching up. Too many things to learn simultaneously, from being away and independent from my parents, to working on developing a new partnership with my husband. All the time, being painfully ignorant and having no coaching from grown-up female friends…

Anyhow, things were not going well. We were very poor, and I had the task of dividing the little money of his salary into envelopes with names like electric bill, rent, grocery store…and splitting the money in each envelope as to cover four weeks. Of course, there were more weeks than money, so we would end up having pasta dinners 3 days in a row…last night with oil, because all the money for butter was gone. Nevertheless, I was proud of my budding money management skills, when I was told that our household now owned a new motorbike! I do remember my shock: where the monthly payments will come from? there were no more envelopes with “spare money to spend” around!

Out of my shock and despair, my brain came up with this bright idea: we needed to have monthly management meetings! we needed to have a shared plan…I clearly needed to feel equally invited to make decisions in our family; I wanted to have a say in planning the financial future of our small but growing family…I was having a clear idea of my role as an equal member of the marriage, and I wanted to be equal from the beginning!

I had designed a plan: we would get together, with no distractions, for one hour, and the agenda was to check how we were spending our income, and how to improve decisions about choosing needed things, or things that would enrich our lives, and how to save for the future. Not bad, for me being 21 years old…I even wrote a short article about my method for a parents’ magazine.

Of course, you now suspect two things: that I was not going to be the new, shiny motorbike user (of course!) but also that my monthly shared decision-making meeting was dead on the water…It was a too steep challenge to “normal” concepts of machismo, what the role of a man in his house was, what the female role (silent and obedient?) was, etc.  I was after reasonable equality in the money decision-making…but it was too much to ask from my then-husband, and I had to yield and only try to manage the monthly food shopping money with my best skill to make it last for a month.

Sometime after this episode, I went through the phase of how to defend my own ideas in this marriage…Not being listened to because of old-fashioned ideas about the absolute role of the man of the house was really disturbing me. I could not accept this unexpected turn in the relationship, without trying to push for some changes.

What I needed was a way of challenging his position in a non-aggressive way. More or less I landed on the idea that it was possible to fight his restrictive mindset in a fair way.

Conflict resolution? Of course! Here I was making a list of the aspects that such a peaceful confrontation should have:


My first proposition was that confrontations were necessary but I wanted to avoid creating unnecessary conflict. Fighting in a marriage is inevitable, but it doesn’t have to be destructive.

I was trying to learn to fight fair in my marriage so we could resolve conflicts in a healthy way.

After some time of reading and gathering information, I decided on some tips that would help me to fight fair and get changes in my marriage:

1. We would listen to each other: Make sure you both have a chance to express your feelings and opinions without interruption.

2. We would respect each other: Respect each other’s feelings and opinions, even if you don’t agree.

3. I needed to stay focused on the present issue, without digging up past issues or unrelated topics. Stick to the issue at hand.

4. We could take a break, when necessary: If things start to get heated, take a break and come back to the conversation when you’re both calm. Offer some snacks or refreshments.

5. Compromise: Try to find a solution that works for both of you.

6. Take care of apologizing,  if you’ve said something hurtful, apologize and mean it. That apology repairs hurt feelings and allows deeper conversations.


By following these tips, you can learn how to fight fair in your marriage and come out of it stronger than ever. I have to say that sometimes, even winning a fight means losing in the general picture…

I have some reflections on this aspect too:


Winning a Fight with Your Life Partner: Is it Important?

When it comes to relationships, it can be difficult to know when to fight and when to let go. While it is important to stand up for yourself and your beliefs, it is also important to recognize when a fight is not worth having. When it comes to fighting with your life partner, it is important to consider the consequences of winning or losing the fight.

Winning a fight with your life partner can be a sign of strength and resilience. It can show that you are willing to stand up for yourself and your beliefs and that you are not afraid to express your opinion. However, it is important to remember that winning a fight does not always mean that you are right. It is possible to win a fight and still be wrong.

On the other hand, losing a fight with your life partner can be a sign of humility and understanding. It can show that you are willing to compromise and that you are open to hearing different perspectives. It can also be a sign of respect for your partner and their opinion.

Ultimately, it is important to remember that winning or losing a fight with your life partner is not the most important thing. What matters most is that you are able to communicate effectively and that you are able to come to a resolution that works for both of you. It is important to remember that relationships are about compromise and understanding, not about winning or losing.

I never forgot my clever, useful, and sensible plan to have two spouses discussing their shared marriage in parity. I’m sharing it here with you, and saying again that there is no more important decision than to set up a method by which the two sides can decide together how to make their marriage better. This idea has evolved, of course, with my new focus on conflicts, and now I talk about “fair fighting.”

How is that, this idea of having a fair fight? Well, I even wrote a book on this method…Perhaps you can find it effective in establishing a way of confronting differences with your loved one.

How to Fight Fair in Your Marriage and Win


 Do you have some way of sitting down to decide together? Regularly, or only in extraordinary circumstances? Let me know in the chat below! Thanks



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