There is some confusion around the question: whose job is to make you happy? There seems to be two answers:
1) It’s Your Partner’s Job To Make You Happy.
Has to do with a basic contract in marriage by which we will try to solve reciprocal needs: his need for appreciation will be nurtured by her words, and her need for connection will be satisfied by his dedication.
Otherwise, which is the point in getting married? shouldn’t a marriage be “a society of mutual admiration”?
You bet it is; there is nothing so hurtful that to realize that your partner ignores the same needs that are motivating you to be loving, patient and keep trying to make the marriage a success. anger, frustration and finally contempt inundates a person who sees his honest focus on making the other person happy ignored or rejected.
2) It’s Your Own Job to Make You Happy; your partner is not here to meet all your needs: it is not your partner’s job to make you happy.
This is the response of a social generalized attitude declaring that we are isolated individuals even in the most intimate bond. Given that some demands may be impossible to fulfill, it’s better not to expect a partner to be personally responsible for understanding and satisfying your needs.
Basically, if you share this idea, then you accept that if he/she does not fulfill your needs of being appreciated, loved and connected, it doesn’t mean he/she doesn’t love you. There must be other ways in which this person is expressing his/her connection with you….even if
it is difficult for you to see it.
This position also explains that “First, however, you must be happy with yourself, before another can make you happy.Your partner should be here to grow and share with you.”
The only aspect that really is impossible to fulfill is the required point of having learned to be happy by ourselves…usually, when we find another person to love and marry, we are barely out of the emotional turbulence of our teen years, and still trying to get our act together…
Rarely we know how to love and appreciate who we are! How come then we will so advanced as to know how to be happy before marriage?
The whole adventure of growing up through marriage is the exercise of dealing with our own needs, acknowledge them, see how others are equally starved of love, connection and recognition and learn the humble task of negotiating reciprocal satisfaction of those needs. Now, can you see here the source of endless marital disputes, the hidden need for recognition from the same person we have chosen to love us for ever?
We can know that we have good qualities, but nothing is so strong and nurturing as to see those qualities recognized and valued by the people who are around us…. Going back to the first idea, there is nothing wrong with proposing a “society for mutual admiration”, right?
Neil Warner
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