Fight to Protect the Love in Your Relationship

When we communicate with one another, we are attempting to make an emotional connection – with our eyes, our body, our words. This is because humans are social beings; our brains are programmed to seek love and empathy from others.

So what about getting defensive? Does that go against the natural program of love-seeking? Surprisingly enough, no.

When couples fight over silly things and become defensive (even though they don’t need to), there is an underlying reason for it. We may not realize it during a fight, but we pick up on things and fight over them because we are each concerned about our role in the relationships we are in. When a partner comments about something small, the other may become defensive, scared that this means they are a “bad” partner or that their partner loves them less. Sounds silly, right? But we all do it!

Beyond that, there are also subconscious questions buzzing in our minds when we fight over small things, make them look bigger, or become defensive. In these altercations, what we’re really saying and asking each other is:

• Are you accessible when I reach out to you?
• Will you respond to my needs and requests?
• Are you engaged in our relationship?

In other words, “Will you be there for me when I need you?” This is the basic question of attachment. Deep down, we all have these insecurities, and it’s reflected in the way we interact with others, especially significant others. It’s almost like our brains are telling us, “Fight! Then you will know if they love you!”

What does this mean for couples in a strained relationship, or a relationship where the love is “dying”?

Are you and your partner trying to avoid conflict, thinking that this is the best way to keep a relationship “safe”? Think about what we just said about conflict. If, during conflict, our brains are using conflict to find out whether to other person is really committed, why would we give that up? Healthy conflict that respects boundaries can help couples air problems, reach out to one another, reveal true needs, and test their commitment to each other and the relationship. In other words, if you pretend there are no problems, how can you know whether the two of you are willing to heal it? A couple that never fights never learns to love each other more deeply.

Protect the love and commitment in your relationship by accepting conflict as a normal part of life, and determine to handle it in a healthy way. In many ways, fighting is just our brains’ way of re-connecting with other people!

If you need help learning how to fight to protect (not harm!) the love in your relationship, our Conflict Coach can help you do just that. Visit the Conflict Coach today to receive your free coaching session.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation (by clicking here), with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!