Will you be there for me?

In the inner game of relationships, there are core questions that make or break them.  Those questions refers to the most basic needs we humans have: for companionship and recognition:

  • Are you accessible when I try to reach out to you?
  • Will you be responsive to my needs?
  • Are you committed to this relationship?

In other words, beneath the content of words spoken in fights, partners are looking for answers to questions of:

  • Are you there for me?
  • Are you emotionally present?
  • Do you see, value and love me?
In short, the present relationship presents the (un) resolved issues of our early childhood attachments... raising their heads again.

We need someone who can give us the exact doses of certainty, of  recognition of who we are, of what we are as persons.

Is this implicit request at the core of all our interactions: "Do I have from you the needed attention so I can feel valuable?"

If we accept this initial proposition, then another follows that is almost inevitable:
"Are you going to give me the necessary recognition for my life to be enjoyable, or do I need to start a conflict with you in order to get your attention away from your computer and into me and my needs?"
Can you agree in seeing any dispute as a way to reclaim the missing attention from our beloved ones? If they are not naturally focusing on us, can we start a fight in order to re-focus on relationship issues?
If we remember the basic contract in a marriage: to be there for each other, then even a dispute is a legitimate call for attention that needs to be solved!
NoraNora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more!

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