For example – do you and your partner constantly fight? Are there certain behaviors that, whenever your partner does them, you feel attacked, disrespected, and mistreated? Does your partner fire right back, saying, “Well, when you do this, I feel the same way”?

Often, our first instinct is to say: “I’ll change when you do.” However, studies show that the is the LAST way you’ll get the change you want to see. Rather, the best way to see change happen is to act and think the way you want to be treated. If you brain learns, “Okay, this is how I should react here,” you both will be better communicators and lovers.

What we now know about the brain tells us that we need to practice the behaviors we want to have. It is not wishing, but doing, that delivers results. When you invite your brain to develop positive thinking patterns, it causes internal changes that will deliver more trust and positive emotions in the future. The neurons wire together, and they create a new, stronger electrochemical pathway, dropping the negative behaviors you don’t want.

For instance, if you want to change the way you appreciate or recognize your spouse –  knowing that you need to do 5 appreciative comments to delete a harsh, critical one – how would you do it?

We know that successful (happy!) partners still have conflicts like everybody else. However, they do something different from distressed partners, who continue feeling upset, aggravated or hurt by their spouses.

In the free-of-conflict times, positive couples regularly interact in supportive ways. For example, they show interest in the other person (no cold shoulders), offer appreciative comments on any aspect of the other person’s behavior, express their happiness for being in this relationship, plan fun outings together, show, express and receive affection, flirt, and so on. They are priming their brains to be happy so that, when conflict comes along, their thoughts and actions are geared toward respect and happiness.

Why does this work? Does it seem too simple? Think of it this way: acting positively when conflict isn’t happening acts like an emotional bank account. Positive couples draw on this bank account in times of conflict. No more and no less than this simple “brain priming” is necessary to be able to face differences! By being an example for how you want to be treated, and creating an environment of respect, the positive couple can look at conflict with a constructive perspective, ready to learn from it and not using it to destroy the other.

Does it look like a completely simple, fool-proof, basic receipt for enduring happiness? Guess what: it is!

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation (by clicking here), with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

Technorati Tags: angry husband, appreciation, attitude change, backstabbing, Cold Shoulder, conflict, conflict resolution, feelings, love, negative emotions, respect, Silence

“Fight fire with fire”
“The best defense is a good attack”

Most of your experiences teach you to respond to other person’s perceived attack with another attack, so the dispute instead of being resolved escalates to a real battle.

Why do we do this? Because our brains are structured on the fight or flight response, and automatically provides us with a counter aggression response.

Well, you are going to say: if this is the natural way our brain reacts, it must be the good one, right?

Not necessarily! Too many times we misinterpret something said as an offense against us, or proceed based on our fears without enough information….

Fighting fire with fire is automatic, but deprives us of the power of really, really, managing the interaction. We are rendered hostages to anyone who wants to fight with us, be it convenient or not for ourselves.

Perhaps you are open to another proposal: this one that says that escalation will not get your needs fulfilled. As much as you can yell at your husband to make him understand how frustrated are you with him; or how much he can slam the door to stop your “nasty demands,” this aggressive counter-attack will release the anger but get you far from any satisfaction of your needs.

Especially if you are hurting because your needs for love and connection are not fulfilled, they are going to be even worst attended after escalating the aggressive interaction!

In the end, we are not obligated to answer fire with fire; it continues to be a personal choice the way we respond. It is always my choice how I respond to situations, because no amount of “fighting” or negative response will change the truth of the situation: that my real power consists in changing myself, and choosing my responses.

When I recover my own personal power, I can select another option: one that says that I’m free to not answer with more aggression. Of course, to do that, I need to control my emotions, recover a rhythm of breathing that will calm my automatic response to fight, and position myself as an observer.

What do I see? My loved one and I, and also see a clear picture of the interaction between us: This lovely couple, otherwise very loving and happy are embroiled now in this nasty dispute…are they really hurting each other? Can I see it as an exercise of testing each other’s limits; of learning how to express requests for love and support in a productive way instead of hurling insults?

A compassionate view of both of you, escalating a dispute because both need support and love from each other can help you to finally say:

Wait, what is that we want to get from each other? Is yelling at each other the best way? When we are done yelling, is it true that we still need to learn how to express our needs in such a way as the other can hear us?

Next time you see a fight coming your way, control your breathing, smile and say: “Can we sit down and have a nice conversation about your needs and mine? Where we can respect each other and listen? Now, tell me what is upsetting you so much!”

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Technorati Tags: aggression, attitude change, confrontation, Emotional Abuse, emotions, feelings, fight, frustration, healthy relationships, recognition, Self-Esteem, Silence

Like in: “when we are upset with each other we clam up and smile a lot, because you never let your anger show.”

Where do we learn these scripts? Like many other behaviors, we learn them in childhood – from our fathers, our mothers, our siblings and cousins. Did that make you wince? Then maybe you need to analyze your scripts and whether they’re hurting other people.

Some are fortunate enough to have learned (early or later) a healthy approach to healing pain. The unhealthy ones are these:

Withdrawal – We close ourselves off emotionally and put up walls to defend ourselves. This “keeping everybody out” ploy has a problem – it keeps everybody out. When you’re in pain, it is understandable that you need to get away from your abuser. But to heal you need someone kind and understanding who will hear you out and support you. They can’t do that if your door is locked.

Attack – In order to avoid being hurt again, we make ourselves stronger and tougher and wield power over others. What may start as a “kill or be killed” mentality against an abuser can lead to a non-discriminatory abuse of others. Attack as a way to handle emotional abuse is dangerous because you switch from being the victim to being the abuser, and merely keep the cruel cycle going.

Self-attack – This is a popular victim mentality – blaming yourself for the abuse. You beat yourself up for being weak enough to let abuse occur or continue. Not only does this allow the abuser to continue having power and control over you, it blinds you to the possibility of standing up for yourself and having the confidence to get out.

Avoiding – We hide the turmoil and pain by masking it. Instead of thinking about and dealing with that, we do this. Instead of confronting her emotionally abusive husband, Molly becomes addicted to drinking. This is an obvious avoidance, but there may be times when the avoidance is more subtle – maybe Molly develops OCD about cleaning the house, or becomes absorbed in making money, because they make her feel in control. Avoidance, whether self-destructive or not, is not dealing with the issue – it’s allowing it go on unhindered.

Solving emotional pain and overcoming emotional abuse and its effects do not occur by utilizing these four reactions, they occur through coaching and learning constructive ways to handle things. These four either inhibit the healing process or proliferate it. Worse still, an entrenchment in these behaviors causes us to be attracted to people with the same behaviors. Even after leaving an abusive relationship, we surround ourselves with people who withdraw, attack, and avoid, trapping ourselves in unhealthy relationships that play out over and over again like a bad song stuck on repeat.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Technorati Tags: angry husband, control, Emotional Abuse, frustration, healthy relationships, hidden anger, Self-Esteem, Silence

The silent treatment, also known as the “cold shoulder treatment,” consists of feigned apathy, total silence, and being distant on purpose. One person displays an attitude of complete disinterest for the spouse, as if the other person would be a complete stranger.

This form of emotional abuse can be very disorienting. Being ignored on purpose by your husband, your most intimate ally crumbles your whole being. The experience can leave you thinking that you have been reduced to the level of a ghost, if your presence is systematically ignored and turned irrelevant.

Typically, the person in control does this as a form of non-physical punishment, with the purpose of showing his anger by making you feel less worthy, not valued, unimportant, and not cared about. Is a very strong negative message delivered in a way that doesn’t leave external traces: there are no signals of physical abuse.

Between the lines, what your abuser is trying to do is to manipulate you in the area of your self image by making you feel reduced to nothing he can show interest on. If he is not seeing you, or your qualities, who are you? Not more than a shadow! Here is a female voice:

“I really don’t know what to do, or say. If I say “can we talk about this?” he will roll his eyes or tell me to shut up. He reconnects when and how he wants…while I wait in despair. I have truly lost hope. I don’t know how much more I can take. When things are good between us life is incredible, but he has this Jekyll and Hyde thing going on… and I always feel like it is my fault, because I don’t know how and why his cold shoulder towards me starts. What did I do to anger him so much as to be so cruel?”

First, this posting is encouraging you to perceive the hidden control under this behavior….by having you waiting for a connection, the more powerful person is showing his control. If you continue asking for explanations, or reasons, or “why are you doing this” questions, you keep confirming the toxic nature of this treatment.

What to do? well, you can always take a step behind, look at the behavior and ask yourself if you have a choice of answering. Perhaps choosing to ignore? changing the subject? doing your own thing? not acknowledging his treatment?
Remember, you have choices!

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to http://www.creativeconflicts.com.

Technorati Tags: Cold Shoulder, Emotional Abuse, healthy relationships, Silence

He says nothing, but you know he is mad as hell. He is obviously sulking in front of you, and his attitude fills the room with a very negative vibe. For you, this silent anger is far more maddening and crazy than an overt attack…you would prefer to have him shouting his complains!

He is acting out the “angry blackmailer role,” a script that basically tells you without words: “Look how mad I am, because of what you did to me I have to be raving mad… all is your fault. Now figure out what you did wrong and how you’re going to make it up to me.”

So he sits in his magnificent silence, and you know you are being held hostage of his real or invented rage. You are forced now to guess what provoked his rage. How are you going to act without showing your own frustration? By being rational as hell, of course! When he says nothing, what can you say or do? Acting in a very cold way is your only way out:

Avoid getting to the conclusion that nothing can be done with this kind of blackmailer, and don’t walk away. Take a deep breath and think in this way:

• It is useless to expect him to tell what is wrong;
• It is worthless to ask them what is wrong, or tell him he needs to stop this childish behavior;
• It is counterproductive to appeal to peace and understanding: he is having fun!
• It is silly to take the blame and apologize for whatever he feels is wrong;
• It is useless to search for his deeper motivations now;

Get another deep breath and remember that you are dealing with an immature person who feels inadequate or powerless and who uses silent control as a means of getting you attached to him.

When you are able to focus on the “scared child aspect”, say something like:

“It looks like you’re angry right now, and I’ll be willing to discuss this situation with you as soon as you’re ready to talk about it,”

Then leave the room, and him alone.

Is important that you stick to this calm attitude, accepting their anger, even recognizing its cause if you know it:

“I’m clear that you are upset because I need to travel around your birthday and will not be here exactly that date, but I’m certainly willing to plan for a second birthday party and do what makes you happy then.”

His behavior doesn’t give you a lot of room: you need to accept the fact that you will have to make the first move most, if not all, of the times. This person is now in your life, and you can’t change that now, so send him the message that they can tell you what they’re angry about and you offer to hear them out without escalating the conflict with your own complaints.

Keeping calm, and treating his behavior as a communication problem that can be solved when he decides to share are the best rational  techniques that can change this situation. You need to avoid showing your frustration, shouting or telling about the challenges you encounter in the relationship.

Now the only way out is to inform your hubby in a calm way that you are inviting him to talk in his own time, as if you are not surprised, disappointed or repulsed by his acting out his anger. He can’t express his anger in any other way, so bear with it in a calm way.
And have clarity in what you are going to say: “You can be silent, and I can try to understand what is going on with you, but to go to any conclusion, you need to share with me what is the issue. If you can’t talk now, I will ask you in two hours….See you”

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Technorati Tags: anger, angry husband, Cold Shoulder, conflict, negative emotions, rejection, resentment, Silence, understanding

You either decide that he is doing unwanted behavior because he is bad or morally sick:

a) an intrinsically bad person, revealing at last his mean intentions
b) a sick person, a psychopath who finally can’t control his darker impulses.

Reading this posting brings a third alternative:

c) to externalize on other person and make that other person suffer the same feelings of inadequacy that the passive aggressive male experiences without being able to process.

Here we can see this mindset exposed, where he is either giving her the cold shoulder, or blaming her for everything at the next minute:

“The emotional abuse I saddled on those around me remains the worse product of my depression. I allowed depression to burden not only me, but two girlfriends, my family, and my closest friends. One girl could not deal with it and ended up leaving me. The other stuck around longer, and I abused her emotions without knowing it. I was terrifyingly cold and unfeeling, even as she broke down into tears and begged me to say anything. I made her feel responsible for anything that went wrong in my life. I left her more than once without warning, but would soon come back and manipulate her damaged emotions to get back together.

All of it was a way for me to artificially build myself back up.

I was trying to destroy my depression, but I ended up harming the most vulnerable people in my life. Cowardice and dishonesty dictated my thinking.

What underlies all these abuses is a fundamental disgust and anger with one’s self. I manipulated the emotions of everyone around me to bring them down to my level and feel better about my station in life. Admitting my weakness terrified me so much that I went out and tore away.”

Here it is, black on white, what we had finally to realize:

a) there is nothing she has to be blamed for;
b) He is using a trick (humiliating other) to build his self-esteem;
c) the root is his misguided effort to cover up his “disgust and anger” at himself.
d) there is very little she can do, from the humiliated position, to help the humiliator gain more self-respect; he has first to stop this toxic avoidance of his basic self-esteem problem.

In short: the husband or boyfriend who abuses his partner and humiliates her is doing this under the misguided idea that by putting her down and destroying her peace of mind, he will be above her, therefore will be more powerful, therefore regaining a lost control of himself and thus feeling “manly” again.

All this toxic circuit is displayed only to avoid looking at the basic problem: He doesn’t value or accept himself as a valuable, respectable person from the beginning!

Shouldn’t women leave people like this passive aggressive husband alone, so he can find his way inside, without torturing some external surrogate? At least, we know now that the most loving attitude she can display towards him will not cure his lack of self-esteem….so, staying with him is totally useless.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

( Guest post from S.M. Leahy, at The Art of Manliness )

Technorati Tags: Emotional Abuse, healthy relationships, humiliation, respect, Silence

Have you noticed that usually there is a thick curtain of technological devices between you and him, like his cell phone (always in a call with someone) his computer (always having to finish something urgent) or the TV?

There are multiple ways in which a passive aggressive husband will block normal communication with you if he feels that you are pressing him into a deeper emotional conversation he doesn’t want any part in.

What was before now an opportunity for some violent confrontations and shouting has changed. Normal people having strong feelings about how they want their most important relationship don’t express them now. If suppressing angry verbal confrontations is a good thing, it was because we wanted to replace them with respectful conversations! What you get instead is passive aggressive responses, wrapped in all kinds of technology.

If interpersonal conflict is a growth opportunity because it teaches us to negotiate our wants and needs with loved ones, technology is allowing more and more passive aggressive ways of canceling passion and fire from conflicts.

As you’re sitting here, in front of your computer reading this post, many things will cross your mind… I can imagine you matching this list with your personal experience…and finding lots of points in common.

OK, now the list:

1) You both have had a discussion, and he leaves for his office. When you try to call him in his cell to close the conversation, he doesn’t answer calls.
2) You think of leaving him a message, but he is not picking up his messages, so you feel like it’s wrong to leave a third one.
3) What is the point of sending him a text message, if no answer?
4) Perhaps an email will pop up on his screen at work? same silence
5) When he gets back, is it time for his TV favorite program?
6) You feel left out, getting frantic for some response from his side, so you are at this point pressing the talk…and so get accused of “being too emotional,” “losing control” and “unable to think in a logical way.”
7) When you finally get to have some time/space to confront him, he is completely in control, peaceful and calm, and you are a total wreck.

Confusing? You bet!

The truth is that technology provides an elegant, ubiquitous shield to protect a person with passive aggressive tendencies from having to accept and process the messy emotional issues of any relationship.

If you are the party most needy of feeling a deep personal connection, this technological shield will leave you out in the cold, full of frustrated expectations, and pondering what kind of future is there for you and your too normal wish for intimacy and love.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Technorati Tags: Cold Shoulder, emotions, feelings, frustration, loneliness, rejection, resentment, Silence

Perhaps you think that there is very little to be done, and you are reduced to walk on eggshells around this person, trying to prevent even more damage…and this limited thinking has you concerned and frustrated.

This thought is produced by the contrast we usually have in the back of our minds…”It is better to put up with this behavior and not to have an all out confrontation full of anger….” For some reason we have been conditioned to avoid any kind of open confrontation, even the healthy ones, and to try to keep up with a forced situation that doesn’t deserve to be called “peace,” but an angry truce.

Let’s go back to the basic situation, where you are a team leader, or a manager, and you have someone in your team behaving in this way. Of course, you know that this person is immature, that his PA behavior is a defense mechanism, and all that. Anyhow, this person is not responding to you!

Now, it becomes really personal…and you shift from an outsider’s view to a very interested insider, because the action is against you or your interests…

You suddenly realize that the passive aggressive person’s goal is an attempt to control his environment, meaning by that you and your responses.

How do you realize that? See this story: a person employed for 5 years which fits the definition of passive aggressive.

When the manager would ask him a question that required immediate attention, he wouldn’t respond or look at the boss; he would sit and continue to do whatever he was doing for a long time, from seconds to minutes, for as long as the manager would be willing to wait for his answer.

If the manager interpreted this behavior as an attempt to control, his response after waiting too many times for an answer and spending time analyzing the motivation was: “to get in his face.”

If he didn’t answer after an acceptable time to any yes or no question, the manager would ask, “Is that a yes or no?” in an aggressive tone. He would quickly answer the question with kindness and the manager would move on to other tasks.

Conclusion; the only way to get answers out of a passive aggressive that plays this game is not waiting, (this would be akin to letting him lead the game) but repeating your question as if you didn’t think they heard it.

A leader’s purpose here is to avoid getting embroiled in the PA person’s attempt to make him wait “up in the air” for as long as he wants…with no real reason, but a subjective one only valid for him.

This answer is not a cure for all passive aggressive behavior, but a way to put some institutional limits to a very disruptive behavior which- somehow- could be interpreted as a hidden sabotage of the team leader’s project.

Technorati Tags: control, cooperation, frustration, passive aggressive employee, Resistance, Silence, solution

Are some conversations with your hubby leaving you feeling emotionally drained, dejected, and utterly confused?  Do you received the message “I love you” while at the same time he/she is sabotaging your best efforts to do positive things for the couple?  

This is maddening, and you need to know what is going on….because being in this confusion can damage your confidence and self-esteem.

Constant, stubborn passive aggressive behavior can take its toll on you, slowly altering your personality, until you barely recognize your own self.

You feel isolated, perhaps you might cry or yell more often than before, and perhaps you could feel completely out of control.  

What are the main aspects of passive aggressive behavior?

- Unexpected, unprovoked anger attacks, not related to the issue being discussed

- Isolating or rejecting you without an obvious reason

- Stopping you from expressing your feelings or ignoring them

- Preventing you from getting your family or friends’ support

- Showing sensitivity and caring one minute; hostile and resentful the next.

  In order to understand what is going on, what you need to look for is not the occasional response that blocks cooperation while saying that it is forthcoming, but look for the passive-aggressive behavior which is ingrained and the habitual way of dealing with the world, you included.

Every time you suggest something, and you can do this exercise only to test his answer, watch how he never will say: wonderful, let’s do it! Instead, he will edge and haw, give evasive comments and change the conversation….or asks from you about something not related, (like the weather or the time) only to throw you off.  

More: if you push and ask about the meaning of his communicative behavior, what you will get is a maddening mixture of evasiveness and contrition, agreeableness and resistance, connection and aloofness.

If all of this fails, he will show himself being severely depressed, which leaves you in the same place!  

The classic description of passive aggressive behavior includes a “stubborn malcontent, someone who passively resists fulfilling routine tasks, complains of being misunderstood and underappreciated, unreasonably scorns authority and voices exaggerated complaints of personal misfortune.”

Sometimes you can even perceive him as doing a very sly, covert sabotaging of all your plans to move ahead, progress and develop new experiences for both, so scared this person is of change and your role in any change happening to him/her.

Do you plan to enroll his help losing weight? Then he will invite you to dine out, at a good pizza place!  If you push a lot, then you will be served with aggressive outbursts, coming like “out of nowhere,” but destined to protect his personality from any adult challenge needing his response.  

Do you need to know more? If you think passive aggressive behavior is the cause of your unhappy situation there are steps you can take to resolve it. 

Perhaps you need to get a copy of my ebook,  which will give you strategies to respond to Passive Aggressive tactics! If you are ready to break free of the chains of passive aggressive emotional bondage, if you are tired of feeling humiliated and alone, if you are ready to take control of your emotional well-being once and for all, then this e-book is for you.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Article Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/marriage-articles/recognize-passive-aggressive-before-it-destroys-your-sanity-467359.html 

Technorati Tags: Anger Attacks, Cold Shoulder, loneliness, love, Passive Aggresive Behavior, passive aggression, passive aggressive, rejection, Resistance, Sabotage, Silence, Unhappiness