We wanted to challenge the “End of the Year Blues”, as we realized how many issues are still without resolution when it comes to important relationships…

With this in mind, we are proud to announce that December will be

“National Relationships Repair Month“

This FREE program spans over 4 whole weeks for a good discussion and healing of the issues that form the base of our relationships, so hidden we usually do not take the time to reflect on them…

We provide here good reading materials for you to learn from, questions and answers and finally, a good plan to restore your relationships. We count with your participation!

Get a good look at this new offer, and hop on board! Here is the link, and remember that we are waiting for you!

http://nationalrelationshipsmonth.com

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation at Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

 

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Technorati Tags: attitude change, communication, conflict resolution, confrontation, emotions, feelings, forgiveness, frustration, happiness, Healthy Marriage, healthy relationships, love, marriage, recognition, reconciliation, Relationships, resilience, respect

However, is it possible that there is also such a thing as a “good” enemy? If so, can a bad enemy be turned into a good one?

Let’s remember what a marriage is. It’s a process, an agreement. Both sides agree to develop as individuals while also connecting with each other. In this way, each grow as separate human beings, but they grow (or at least try to) at the same pace and they grow in the same relationship. However, we know this isn’t always how it works out: often, the rate of growth becomes uneven, and both partners try to manage their differences in opinion, understanding, and perception (individual growth) without challenging the union that they’re trying to uphold.

That’s where the fights and arguments come in; they come with the territory of any relationship. Not only are they caused by different patterns of growth and understanding, conflicts are also essential to that growth itself. However, some relationships quickly fall into trouble if one or neither of the partners is at the point where they can handle that conflict in the right way. You need to learn how to be a good enemy, so you can confront yourself and your partner with the truth of your own reality, emotions and needs.

Thus, we can say that passive aggression is the “bad” enemy approach to conflict and growth. Passive aggression demands a reaction to conflict that deals with denial, retreat and sabotage. Being a “good” enemy demands a reaction to conflict that learns and creates growth.

So what behaviors does a “good” enemy have? Yes, you’re right in thinking, “Whatever the opposite of passive aggression is!” But let’s be a little more specific and break it down.

Do you avoid confrontation, escape from legitimate arguments or outright reject you partner’s arguments? That’s being a bad enemy.

If you fight your battles looking only at your self-interest, forgetting that you are part of a couple, and answering fire with fire, or all you care about is your self-defense, or if you are too proud or stubborn to admit your share of the troubles, that also makes you a bad enemy.

On the other hand, a good enemy does not avoid any arguments, but listens and makes an effort to understand the conflicting situation from the other side’s perspective. If you have strength of character and abundance of patience, you will be able to listen carefully and with enough respect as to make your partner deeply understood.

If you are able to tolerate the voices, the cries or the attacks, and keep asking for the causes of the anger, then you are able to determine what your partner is crying out for, perhaps because there is a felt need for contact or because the loneliness is expressing itself…

Signs of being a good enemy to your partner:

- You always remember how important is for your partner to feel good about himself each day;

- You are able to offer an apology and thus break communication barriers;

- You praise your partner whenever contributing positive ideas;

- You recognize and accept your shortcomings and think of ways for you to becoming a better partner;

- You treat your partner with respect and dignity at all times, even when you are raging mad at him/her.

The skills of a good enemy are:

- Never escalate the anger and the screaming;

- Deal with the problems in an easy, calm and self-empowered manner;

- Focus and remember the positive aspects that enhance the relationship;

- Be able to control situations, know when to stop and to say enough;

- Be able to make solid decisions, and sacrifice your self-interest.

You must also understand that in your relationship, to have it surviving and growing you should always work through your problems and settle your differences in a cooperative way. We said before that this does require patience and practice, and if you feel that your skills in this “good” enemy arena are not up to par, we can help!

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having  a conflict coach session, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

Technorati Tags: anger, angry husband, conflict resolution, confrontation, Emotional Abuse, frustration, humiliation, resilience, Self-Esteem

At the heart of the human experience is the need to feel loved, and to feel love for others. This connection in its multiple forms goes to the heart of our own identity. What kind of relationships? Better them to be healthy and meaningful, we wish….But in all cases, we tend to reenact the primal experiences we have had when children, (that is what we know, of course) and so our present relationships duplicate the anxiety and the pain and the difficulty of previous ones.

Here is the core of our situation: If each one of us has such a strong need to give and receive love, what are we doing when we sustain unhealthy connections that prevent and thwart our growth? Why is there so little love in the world?

It has to do with an imbalance between what we can give and what do we need…to keep the flow of connection alive. In healthier family systems, it is more important to be emotionally close, and resolve negative feelings with each other. It is also easy to admit when mistakes are made, feelings are hurt and situations demand a heartfelt apology…

In such a family, keeping well nurtured a member’s self esteem is more important than any single behavior, and each one of the members cares about keeping each other’s healthy feelings. Some individuals could even apologize for hurting the spouse’s feelings even if he believes the other person “should” have known better. One could decide that it is more important to be close to the loved one, than to be right. Educating the children in how do you resolve this right/close issue is usually essential for their future ability to build good relationship.

The primary factor in determining whether there will be trust, goodwill, and emotional closeness in a couple or family group is whether each person is convinced that the other cares not just about his or her own well being, but about the other person’s as well.  There has to be a perception that everybody’s feelings count and need to be taken care of, either them being adult or children.

The more family members have an understanding of the basic conflict style they use, the greater their chance of not acting them out in the relationship in a destructive way. If they know that there is a tendency to shouting, then they can establish ways of reminding each other that “here we care not to shout to each other, because we know how much it hurts.” This kind of shared understanding invites gently each person to take care of his/her own feelings and its management.

Relationships is the real way and a unique opportunity to understand ourselves in a new way, and to discover the best and most noble parts of ourselves. We are as trusting and caring in our lives as our past conflicts have been resolved, and the flow of care for each other has been maintained.

The reverse is also true, however. If we reject taking ownership of our own frustration and negative feelings, and blame the other person for how we feel and respond to her in a violent way, we stop the learning process and end up feeling angry, and often victimized. How we choose to deal with our own painful feelings from our past, as well as negotiate our present relationships, and how much we are able to love and empathize with another needs for love and connection, ultimately determines the outcome of the relationship, as well as our own spiritual and emotional growth.

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to Conflict Coach

Technorati Tags: appreciation, conflict, confrontation, critique, forgiveness, happiness, Healthy Marriage, healthy relationships, reconciliation, resilience

Winning means imposing their view, convincing the other person of his wrong ways, and having finally the last word. Finally, it becomes a form of control, and a power struggle.

How often have we seen people approach conflict situations with an aggressive, confrontational style that only exacerbates the problem? For them, attacking is the only way to solve a difference! Probably the results are more confrontation and frustration, and less resolution.

If you need to confront someone at work, and this person doesn’t take honest feedback very well, then you have a double problem:

a) How to communicate your request in a way they can hear it properly?

b) How to manage their emotions so you don’t get into a useless confrontation?

When the need to attack people (or defend yourself) arises, it is because we have been conditioned to see confrontation as a battle. Too many movies (and music, and shows) support the “it’s my way or the highway” message. Unfortunately, spreading that around just tells people that it’s okay to forget how to cooperate and deal with others with respect.

So how do we turn that defense/attack mechanism off? Let’s use constructive communication and “owning the problem.”

These are the basic points:

• Address the problem rather than attacking the other person’s behavior (“This is happening…” rather than “You are…”)
• Describe actions and situations (“We are falling behind in our delivery time”) rather than judging the person,
• Be specific about occurrences (“It happened the last three consecutive Fridays”) rather than general patterns,
• Follow this line of discussion and avoid being side tracked;
• Keep saying that you want a two-way discussion.

Owning the problem means that you tell the situation from the impact it has on you.

When you need to confront a party that has done something that causes frustration, disappointment or any kind of displeasure for you, you can think of that displeasure as your problem because you are the one experiencing it.

Here is the way to do it:

Ask for a time when there is peace and quiet; so you can deal with the person without witness;

Then, express some appreciation at the beginning:

“I see the way you deliver x, and I’m very happy with what you do.”

Describe the impact of the problem:

In my experience, “delays on Fridays are causing this problem for my schedule”

Invite the other side to provide solutions.

Close the conversation by reminding both of you of the point agreed on:

“So, we have decided that if you see a problem which could cause a delay, your first task is to let me know so we can work on a solution together, right?”

This is the basis for a next, incoming conversation, if the agreement doesn’t hold, so you can use this phrase to begin the new conversation about this person not fulfilling his side. The tone of voice has to be calm, secure and definitive.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Technorati Tags: appreciation, attitude change, conflict, confrontation, critique, feelings, fight, healthy relationships, humiliation, reconciliation, resilience, respect, understanding

Of course, forceful change never works. In fact, the more you push for change, the more the other person will resist, right? As in this example:

“I have learned that the more I push for something, the more he pulls away from it. So, I have left projects of doing things together, even after a year of dating, in the back of my mind. Outwardly, I show him that the idea of moving in and sharing a life completely disinterests me now.

I wish he would be open to ideas and projects to do together and be willing to talk about things we wish for the future, even when they scare him, but it doesn’t happen…”

Sometimes, we project our dreams outside and hope that others will realize them, because we are insecure of our own power. The solution is really straightforward: we need to embrace the project, let our enthusiasm grow about it instead of hiding, and make this project part of our lives now and in the future.

And the other person? well, when we are not stopped by his/her resistance, and we get into our own power, the other person has a choice: either to look at his own interests and promote them, or drop out of your life. In short, owning your dreams makes you the owner of your own life…and forces you to find someone who can really share them.

Perhaps the old lesson: “you need to find your life’s purpose first and then find the people who can help you develop in that direction” continues being true?
3. “What I need is for my husband to let me know that he thinks my ideas and opinions are valid and well founded. Otherwise, he’s not treating me as his partner or his ally; he’s treating me as an enemy. He’s telling me that I don’t have the right to make decisions or have input.”

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Technorati Tags: appreciation, attitude change, forgiveness, Healthy Marriage, recognition, resilience

A new Stanford study by Laura Carstensen, a psychology professor and director of the Stanford Center on Longevity documents this process. The findings of this study were published online recently in the Journal Psychology and Aging.

Older people typically have made their peace with life’s inevitable failures and accomplishments; and accept their position in life with more inner peace. In other words, older people stress less about life challenges.

Secret 1:
As we grow older, we tend to become more emotionally stable. Most people will gradually feel better as they grow older. If we don’t resist changing, we will find ourselves in a better and more stable emotional situation than before.

Secret 2:
Emotional stability translates into longer, more productive lives that deliver more life satisfaction, at the individual level;

Secret 3
Older people care more and are more compassionate about social problems, and that may lead to a more stable world.

“As people age, they’re more emotionally balanced and better able to solve highly emotional problems,” said Carstensen, a psychology professor. “We may be seeing a larger group of people who can get along with a greater number of people. And
them being more peaceful, perhaps they can induce younger people to behave also in a more peaceful way.”

Having higher numbers of older people than youngsters, as in Japan, some European countries and even America in 20 more years brings a serious challenge. Carstensen rounded up her conclusion with this hopeful vision: “If people become more even-keeled as they age, older societies could be wiser and kinder societies.”

So it seems like the old saying, “You’re not getting older, you just getting better,” refers so much to individuals as to the whole social group we belong to.

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Ask for your free ebook “How Healthy is Your Marriage?” when you subscribe to this blog, signing in on the upper right side of this page.

Technorati Tags: age, ageing, appreciation, attitude change, conflict, growing old, healthy relationships, love, resilience, Self-Esteem

For example, one crisis may be originated because your partner fantasizes about another person, and may even have acted on those fantasies. An often sought solution is to accuse the person of infidelity and demand loyalty. A better solution that may save the relationship and make it better than it was is to ask questions. Not, “Why was I not good enough,” but, “What is pushing them away from me?” and, “What do they need emotionally that they’re not getting?”

Blaming your partner for a crisis and making yourself pitiable does not work at saving the marriage or even saving face after the marriage ends. It creates bitterness that wounds you day after day.

It is understandable that you love your partner and don’t want to lose this person, but by blaming, you make demands and try to force them to love you back. If you truly love them, you need to fix what you may have done to push them away first – otherwise, it will happen all over again, whether it’s a month, a year, or a decade later.

Show your partner through positive actions as well as words that you understand what it is that went wrong and are honestly committed to saving the relationship. If this sounds pushover-ish, think for a moment. Every action has a cause. People in loving relationships do not suddenly break away and chase another lover for no reason. Sometimes we unintentionally place demands and stress on someone else, and they end up leaving us behind. This is not an irreversible practice.

What kind of actions would show this kind of commitment? Think not only about what you like and what you love, but what the other person values and needs. Maybe you’ve been blind to those things all along.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Technorati Tags: angry husband, conflict, Emotional Abuse, healthy relationships, recognition, reconciliation, Relationships, resilience, respect

What if we believe that we have “bad luck”? then everything we plan will have to do two battles: one against reality out there, and the second one to convince “luck” to bend over our desire….making everything a double challenge.

We all have a variety of core beliefs, of which some are empowering (positive beliefs) and others are limiting (negative beliefs). In the US, popular culture tends to push for more positive than negative beliefs, which promotes a feeling that most projects are possible and doable. If we grew up with the people around us telling that only men can do the things we also want to do, then we have again the double challenge: getting to have the opportunity to do those desired tasks and proving that we are as valuable as men at each step….

Every day, in fact every minute we are reinforcing or weakening them. It is an on-going process. Each time we tell ourselves that our plans are within reach, we help them be doable. Even we are influencing each other when we express those beliefs, and sometimes it doesn’t help our loved ones hearing us expressing negative beliefs about their capacities. Why, if they never did this task, how come now they think they can do it? Well, me saying that they will never learn is only a half disguised act of sabotage…Perhaps it’s best to let them try, because even trying and failing, they will know better for the next try.

As a result, we need to be aware of negative, judgmental beliefs popping up in our minds, and work actively to replace them with a more positive approach.

This reframing goes a long way: we can “reframe” failure as an opportunity for a new beginning; and we can see conflict as an opportunity to really know what we want and negotiate better what we need to receive. It’s only a matter of framing these two concepts into the right environment!

Several suggestions follow from this concept:

• Find the areas in your life you would change if you could (finances, relationships, work)
• Use each subject you have listed as a heading in a new piece of paper, and write why do you believe you can’t;
• Review the list of beliefs, find the negatives and turn them 180 degrees;
• Have a set of ideas, words and phrases that define the positive framing of each issue.
• Put those positive phrases on cards and read them each night before going to sleep.

If you do a periodic revision of your basic assumptions about life in general, and your happiness in particular, you will see that more positive experiences are happening now that you are in control of the beliefs that determine your reality.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Technorati Tags: attitude change, backstabbing, critique, Emotional Abuse, feelings, happiness, healthy relationships, negative emotions, rejection, resilience, workplace anxiety

This form of emotional abuse can be very disorienting. Being ignored on purpose by your husband, your most intimate ally, crumbles your whole being. The experience can leave you thinking that you have been reduced to the level of a ghost, if your presence is systematically ignored and turned irrelevant…!

Want to be able to identify and heal cold shoulder?

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Technorati Tags: abuse, anger, Cold Shoulder, Emotional Abuse, feelings, frustration, hidden anger, resilience

Given the terrible fact that people can’t give beyond of what they themselves experienced, the odds of any baby receiving consistent good care delivered with love and respect are few. We all have been raised by parents who could not express love, or did not how, or were abused children themselves. Some of them, for reasons still not clear enough, even became abuser parents themselves.

In all the conversations about how to deal with the trauma of abuse, persisting after we grow up in hidden and obvious forms, the issue is how to heal and repair the damage. We all tended to assume that we could repair the damage through a mix of care, support and time.

Is that true? are emotional abuse wounds able to heal after some time? Are the scars left by factors like negligence, pressure by parents and peers, sexual abuse, aggressive environment at home with screams and scolding, physical beatings or public humiliations by parents or siblings able to heal and disappear?

What we know now is that childhood stress due to emotional negligence or abuse, especially when combined with genetic factors can result in structural changes in the brain and may make people more vulnerable to get depression afterwards.

The child receives, through early abuse, an indelible imprint of himself, of his parents’ image of himself, and of human relationships in general which will follow him the rest of his life and make the development of trust almost impossible.

Scientific research done on 24 severely depressed people from 18-65 years showed that abuse had caused some structural alterations of the brain, associated with a higher vulnerability to depression. They were investigated with high-resolution structural MRI and childhood stress assessments, and compared with healthy people from the same age group.

What does it tells us? That this is the most tragic event in the life of a young person. Being abused in any way is a serious violation of personal boundaries that not only attacks a baby now, but determines the future of her relationship with others and the world in her future.

We are talking here about damaging the capacity to experience love and trust in a relationship with others unhindered by fear. It is what makes us humans, the capacity to trust others and be with them. How someone is willing to trust others if the brain configuration has been altered precisely in the aspect of connection with others who could again abuse?

If you recognize the scars of abuse in your perception of the world and of others around you, (mistrust, suspicion, fear) perhaps you can explore the possibility of looking for abuse in your childhood. Going ahead, we could talk about some process that, beyond repairing your self-image so you feel that you have the right to be loved and cherished in the right way, would allow you to cross the bridge of blame and guilt and forgive.

Why forgiveness? I can’t find any other resource who could help mend the damaged relationship between the parents or relatives who abused us and ourselves. There has to be a way to clean the past, bury the abusive child-raising practices, begin a new one relating to the children now in our lives showing love and respect.

Does forgiveness help reshape the brain? We don’t know yet. Probably not, but what it can do is to manage the abuse experience as one more of the memories of our childhood and archive it. We have learned through tears our lesson: there is no growth or balance or love in interpersonal violence and abuse. We have learned resilience.

What is, then, left? You tell me, what’s your experience? from this side, forgiveness is a process that takes time, and begins not with forgetting, but with remembering our emotional abuse with the question: what do I have to learn from this experience? and how do I move on afterwards?

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Technorati Tags: abuse, aggression, appreciation, domestic violence, Emotional Abuse, feelings, forgiveness, hidden anger, humiliation, resilience