We talk a lot about managing your differences and learning to see them as opportunities to grow as a couple. Quite often, subjective things like “opposite personalities” are opportunities to express respect and trust, and don’t have to be what breaks the relationship apart. Helping couples in trouble see that is part of why we write this blog.

However, some ask us, are there ever certain qualities that should be avoided (rather than “improved”)?

Sure there are, and that’s always important to remember. Sometimes, recurring conflict in a relationship isn’t caused by not knowing how to handle conflict – it’s caused by toxic personality characteristics.

In an article we found called “Yes, Virginia, Some Mates Really Are Wrong,” this same issue is discussed, and some basic no-no’s are outlined. The first? A partner who refuses to handle their substance abuse:

“An addict’s primary loyalty is not to the relationship, it’s to the addiction,” explains Ken Page. “Active addicts become cheaper versions of themselves and lose integrity or the ability to do the right thing when it’s hard. Those are the very qualities in a partner you need to lean on.” Gamblers fall into the same compulsive camp, with the added twist that their pursuit of the big win typically lands them, sooner or later, into deep debt that threatens the foundations of relationship life.

A partner who repeatedly strays away from the relationship can also destroy trust and intimacy. Like abuse or other forms of control, compulsive cheating is something that you should not have to put up with as a partner. The article also notes some other negative personality characteristics that should be red flags for any relationship:

[C]hronic lying; chronic worrying or neuroticism; emotional overreactivity; proneness to anger; propensity to harbor grudges; low self-esteem; poor impulse control; tendency to aggression; self-orientation rather than an other-orientation. Situations, such as chronic exposure to nonmarital stress in either partner, also have the power to undermine relationships.

If you get to the point where you’re delivering an ultimatum,” says Bradbury, you haven’t been maintaining your relationship properly. “It’s like your car stopping on the side of the road and you say, ‘It just isn’t working anymore’— but you haven’t changed the oil in 10 years.

(See the entire article here)

How about you? Are you managing your partnership properly, or is something more serious going on that’s poisoning your relationship? You can talk to Dr. Nora today, she’s our expert conflict coach. Your first conversation with her is free!

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to suffer alone in an unhealthy relationship for one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.You can begin with our passive aggressive system created just for men, at Stop Your Passive Aggression, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

 

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If you could change something about your relationship, what would it be? More respect? More trust? More commitment?

We all have times where our partners don’t give us what we want, but sometimes we also don’t get what we need - the basic foundation traits of a healthy relationship. Without our basic relationship needs being fulfilled, it’s hard to function as healthy, happy people, isn’t it?

Now a permanent part of our sibling site, National Relationships Month, the Deep Love Needs Survey offers you the opportunity to explain your deepest relationships needs to us. We’re listening to you! We read your responses every day to get an idea of what new resources we can create to help you, so that we can help you on your way to achieving relationship happiness! 

You’ll also get a free coaching session for taking the survey!

Ready to go? Visit us today at the Deep Love Needs Survey

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Technorati Tags: aggression, anger, Cold Shoulder, conflict, confrontation, critique, frustration, humiliation, isolation, loneliness, love, negative emotions, reconciliation, rejection, Relationships, resentment, verbal abuse

This learned process allows the child to know where the parent is, and how to get close to the parent. With that knowledge, the child can successfully go to the parent during times of distress, discomfort or hunger. Attachment strengthens the relationship the child associates with the parent: a relationship of security and safety, a base from which to build later independence.

It all seems pretty uniform, right? Not after we look at how delicate this sense of security and safety is. During the first few months to the first year of a child’s life, the strength of those secure feelings relies almost solely on how the parent (attachment figure) acts. The parent has to repeat again and again those experience that make the child feel safe – feeding, rocking, playing, etc. It’s like building up muscle – you have to work out the same spot over and over to build strength!

When the parent reinforces this attachment bond, this strength of security, the child can grow up with a better feeling of well-being. This enables them to explore their world with confidence, as well as being self-assured when making new connections with people they don’t know. When a parent doesn’t reinforce this bond, the opposite happens; a child lacks an internal sense of well-being and self-esteem, which leads to lost opportunities in life as well as strained relationships fraught with mistrust.

This latter style of attachment between parent and child is called avoidant, in which both parties avoid closeness and emotional attachment at all costs. The sad part is that parents who are avoidant are often children of avoidant parents themselves – the cycle just continues, with parents, children and grandchildren all behaving in way that they themselves don’t understand the severity of.

Anxious (also called disorganized or ambivalent) attachment is a mix between the two other styles, where the parent behaves in a disorganized way that leads the child to associate intense emotions with fright and disorganization. They grow up suspecting others of foul play or double-intentions, imagining or even creating unreliability in relationships.

We can use our primary attachment, learned in infancy, to analyze how we approach social relationships. Those attachments we make with parents repeat with friends, teachers and later romantic partners, until we are in a cyclic routine that seems to have no source (or end). It just becomes our “way of being.”

Sometimes, we will have clients come to us who feel that the world is basically emotionally barren (avoidant), where finding any measure of love or trust is impossible. Other times, we have clients who feel that the world is chaotic, full of unreliable emotions and two-faced people surround them… (ambivalent).

We truly feel that although the world is what you can make of it, according to this primal attachment model that you received long time ago,  it doesn’t have to be exactly what your parents and past life made you experience. One of the first ways to re-examine your outlook on life (if you need a boost in your career or love life, for example) is to re-examine your attachment style. What is important to see is that our old attachment models determine the amount of trust and intimacy we can get today with our present partners. If those models have so much power, then surely, changing those models out for better ones has huge potential for your personal and marital growth! And we have even the support of neuroplasticity, the brain’s own ability to grow and change,  to be assured that we can change old attachment patterns by rewiring our brain.

Are you concerned about the lack of trust and intimacy in your relationship? Are you afraid this situation will be permanent “for the rest of your life”?  Do you feel you don’t have the confidence and self-esteem needed to make that next big step or decision in your own life? Conflict Coach can help you identify and re-examine your own personal attachment style, in order to re-invent the attachment models your decision-making brain relies on.

Visit Conflict Coach today for a complimentary coaching session!

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today. 

We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation, followed with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

Technorati Tags: appreciation, attitude change, confrontation, critique, emotions, loneliness, love, resentment, respect, trust

What are they? Here is the list of all communication activities that enforce the idea that one spouse is better than the other:

• interruption of spouse’s explanation or story;
• correcting all the time: “no, it’s not x, it’s z”;
• talking down (voice intonation);
• reacting as if something done by the other is grave; irreparable, and has no redemption (when it is a normal behavior, not a crime);
• saying “yes” to requests and then ignoring them, (no apologies or mention of the promised action);
• carving personal spaces from mutual ones, without negotiation;
• making decisions unilaterally;
• offering advice relentlessly and without being requested;
• saying “I would done completely opposite of you…”;
• being amazed at “wow, we are sooo different!” instead of focusing on similarities;
• invading personal spaces of the other person without even recognizing doing that;
• focusing on negative aspects of the partner, being blind to the positives;
• making silly jokes with your friends, where the spouse is the joke target;
• being blind to feelings of isolation, sadness and grief in spouse;
• offering fake comfort: “this also will pass” instead of a real hug

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to http://conflictcoach.me.

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Every day, we come into contact with people that are walking emotional bundles. They carry the weight of past experiences with them, framing their present experiences as well as whatever wrong assumptions about life they have gained from those hurts.

Their previous experiences have conditioned them, from childhood on, to see the world as a dangerous place, full of treacherous people and pregnant with risk. It’s best not to trust anybody! Because of this frame of reference, they can’t keep an open and trusting attitude about interpersonal interactions.

When you think about dealing with people like this, it is easy to see why they are called difficult people or difficult relationships. They are scared, resistant to trust others or directly rejecting cooperation out of mistrust.

Are they the walking wounded? You bet! The best way of framing this interaction is to see them as non-mature people (regardless of their age), that act as wounded children. They sulk, are easily frustrated and upset, get paranoid when given feedback and in general show a reduced ability to work with others in shared projects.

What is the next step, once you’ve realized that you’re dealing with a difficult person?

Don’t take their behavior personally. Their troublesome behavior is their own way of reacting to life, was there before you, and is directed to everybody they come into contact with.

Don’t fight back or try to beat them at their own games. They are consummate artists who have been practicing their skills for a lifetime, so don’t get into responding fire with fire. You will merely be showing them that dealing with other people is too complicated to handle.

Don’t give in to unreasonable requests. If you give them what they want just to appease them or put them in a good mood, they will request more and more later.

Don’t try to change them, you are not their parents/therapist or significant other.

Well, wait. Did we just tell you what NOT to do? Yes. Because in a situation like this, there is really only one thing you CAN do, and have a healthy outcome.

It’s this:

You can only change your responses to their behavior, not the behavior itself. In doing so, and doing it consistently and firmly, they will begin to recognize a cause and effect trend. I.e., if I push someone away in this way, the result is this. Or, if I demand this, I get that.

So, the bottom line is that you have to have a clear idea of what you stand for, tell people your position in a calm, clear way, walking away when they use intimidation, guilt or abuse to get you to do what you don’t consider appropriate for your place in the relationship and all the time avoiding getting emotionally involved.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today,by reading the ebook: Passive Aggressive Workplace.

Technorati Tags: anger, attitude change, conflict, conflict resolution, control, critique, frustration, humiliation, negative emotions, passive aggression, rejection, resentment, Resistance

No more family anger explosions leaving a sour taste in your memory, and in other’s memories for ever? Having the peace of mind that all family gatherings will proceed smoothly and that the little ones will not have an opportunity to feel scared again?

To be a safe and predictable person for those around you at home, it is essential that you are able to maintain your composure when you feel like your ‘buttons’ are being pushed. This strength will help you to achieve your goals in your personal life as well as your goals for your personal relationships.

1. If and when you feel some negative reaction, store that emotion and don’t act out on it. Force yourself to think: “I’ll deal with this tomorrow; not today!” So you can give yourself time to examine all aspects of the “offense” and verify if they are true…and if you need to respond. Some offenses are best left unattended and ignored.

2. Pay attention to others. Whatever they are telling you, make a purpose to send the message: “I understand what you are saying” and say it frequently, before (or instead of) offering advice.

3. Watch your emotions and make a point of not feeling immediately attacked or victimized. probably the other person doesn’t mean the comment in that way? It’s better to ask questions from the other person: “Is it true that you feel upset with me”

4. Take responsibility for your feelings, and don’t blame other people. It is not what they did to you, is your reaction to what others did….so watch this difference. So many times they are not doing things to aggravate you, they can be simply confused or distracted or careless…..

5. Take a playful attitude towards your angry persona…you can give it a name as in: “When I’m in my “Angry Joe” mode, I tend to think that everybody conspires against me, but afterwards I can see that it’s only my imagination…”Angry Joe” is very active paranoid self of mine, but I can control him…”

As time passes, you will be able to be more objective about your needs, your reactions, and learn that it is always a choice to get angry at others. You can choose instead to control your reactions, calm yourself and see this “Angry Joe” part of you as an old response that now needs to be excluded when answering to present challenges.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today, by offering you this ebook about how you can recover from anger explosions.

Technorati Tags: anger, angry husband, attitude change, control, emotions, feelings, forgiveness, healthy relationships, hidden anger, resentment, respect, Self-Esteem, verbal abuse

The biggest temptation in a situation like this, as it drags on and on and you feel worse and worse, is to say “Yes, you’re right” and end the conversation. They walk away with a satisfied look and you finally have some space. But there’s something else they walk away with – your dignity.

“Yes-ing” others to get out of a conflict only reinforces the other person’s denial of your self-worth and your validity as a person. In their eyes, you become the weak punching bag, ready to absorb every blow.

How do you turn this kind of fight into a situation where you come out successful?

The best solution is to teach yourself to remember that you never have to agree. You can listen politely, giving them the respect that you would want, but at the end, you are under no obligation to agree, acquiesce, or approve. You have every right to say, “I hear you, and I understand that you’re upset, but I don’t agree.” Then leave the conversation at that. Don’t suffer your partner to lecture you or get angry at your establishment of equality.

Learn to recognize the “spin ploy” that many partners use. When you hit on a truth, like: “You’re overreacting,” they will turn on you and list your faults to distract you from the issue and their faults. Stay focused and do not play into this mind game.

One of the best consequences of identifying these mind games is that you stop spiraling into confusion when these tactics appear. Even if your partner maintains these tools and keeps trying to use them, they will no longer have their intended effect. Your partner no longer has the power to make you feel insignificant and stupid, because you are wise to those childish tricks.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today, get your own copy of Healing Emotional Abuse now!

Technorati Tags: anger, control, critique, Emotional Abuse, feelings, frustration, healthy relationships, hidden anger, humiliation, isolation, negative emotions, resentment, Self-Esteem

To immediately ask yourself, “Do I abuse my partner?” may cause you to panic. It may bring feelings of denial and shame, forcing you to shut down before you’ve really started.

Sometimes it is easiest to work from the outside in – start with those you have small affections for, and analyze how you treat them. As you consider your actions towards others, and the results of those actions, move farther into the circle of people you love. Think about your friends, your extended family, your parents, and finally your partner. Don’t think only about what you do, but what feedback people give you. Is there open communication, or do they ignore or submit? Are you often told you need to work on something, and usually just ignore it?

Confronting your own shameful actions can be hard to deal with, like watching a soap opera of your life. We try to deny that our relationships are often full of drama and little subtleties that can throw a wrench in things and make us hurt one another.

Learning to handle relationships in a healthy way cannot begin until we confront these bad memories – either ones we caused or ones we were subject to. In thinking about your relationships with others, try not to focus simply on what they do to you, but how you react and what you do to them in return. Are there patterns that seem to emerge? Do you handle many situations in the same way? How do people react to you when you act that way?

If you have trouble finding a start, watch someone else’s drama unfold – either on TV or in real life. How do they interact? As they hurt each other (as people in dramatic situations are prone to do), do they retaliate in anger, turn away and withdraw, avoid it by doing something else, or blame themselves and become a trembling mass of nerves?

Once you begin recognizing these harmful traits in others (and their consequences), you can return to an analysis of your own actions. Without doing this, it is impossible to determine which attitudes need to change in order to preserve the relationships that are most important to you. Once you recognize it in yourself, you will also be able to recognize it in the people who hurt you.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today, you can get your own copy of the ebook: Healing Emotional Abuse.

Technorati Tags: abuse, appreciation, critique, Emotional Abuse, feelings, Healthy Marriage, humiliation, loneliness, Relationships, resentment, verbal abuse

To really know if you are in the healthy relationship necessary for your personal growth, we need to focus on the human needs we all have, and ask the fundamental question:

How are those needs satisfied through this relationship? How is the other person in your life aware of your needs, and aware of his/her role supporting your needs satisfaction?

We are proposing here that you see this partnership as a mutual agreement by which each other knows that the satisfaction of the needs of his/her partner are the essence of the relationship. If a spouse is not providing security and recognition to the other, where from this person will receive them? And how do you survive in a relationship, if you provide love, connection and recognition in a permanent way to your spouse, but don’t receive the same?

We call abuse when a person uses power to reduce the other person’s will to his will, creating a power asymmetry.

We can also call abuse when a person knows that his/her spouse’s basic satisfaction of her needs depends on him providing enough love, connection and recognition as to make her happy, but willingly denies to do so.

Want to know more? Here you have some needs, see if yours are here, and try to establish, from 0 to 5, how much satisfaction of each need are you receiving (and giving) today. Can you see the need to make some changes?

Basically they  are four important groups of human needs, to be only satisfied through the interaction with other human being:

—NEED FOR SECURITY AND CONSISTENCY

• The need for unconditional emotional support.
• The need for clear, honest and informative answers to questions about what affects you.
• The need for freedom from emotional and physical threat.
• The need for freedom from angry outburst and rage.

—NEED FOR VARIATION

• The need to be accepted when you want something different;
• The need to have your final decisions accepted.
• The need for encouragement and support when you make decisions  different from what others expected.
• The need to live free from undue criticism when experimenting.

—NEED FOR LOVE AND CONNECTION

• The need to be heard by the other and to be responded to with respect and acceptance.
• The need to receive a sincere apology for any jokes or actions you find offensive.
• The need to be respectfully asked rather than ordered.
• The need to have your work and your interests respected.

–NEED FOR RECOGNITION OF YOUR PERSON AS VALUABLE

• The need to for freedom from accusation, interrogation and blame.
• The need to have your own view, even if others have a different view.
• The need for basic good will from the others, regardless who you are.
• The need to have your feelings and experience acknowledged as real.

NOW is your time of reckoning….How well did you do? How many of those needs are in a state of starvation? How long ago did you receive (or give) your last compliment, or expression of sincere appreciation?

Perhaps now we can understand better the silent resentment that simmers in some relationships, when this covenant is not respected and we find people believing that they have no role whatsoever in promoting the happiness of their spouse by solving their deep needs.

If not them, it’s only a question of time that somebody else, by offering the unexpected compliment, could shake to the core this empty marital structure.

This is a brave way of evaluating a relationship, but please, ask yourself:

HOW WELL ARE MY DEEP NEEDS ACCEPTED AND NURTURED IN THIS RELATIONSHIP?

WHAT CAN I DO TO LEARN HOW TO PROVIDE SATISFACTION TO MY PARTNER’S NEEDS?

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to http://www.creativeconflicts.com.

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Technorati Tags: anger, appreciation, control, critique, Emotional Abuse, frustration, Healthy Marriage, healthy relationships, loneliness, recognition, resentment

He says nothing, but you know he is mad as hell. He is obviously sulking in front of you, and his attitude fills the room with a very negative vibe. For you, this silent anger is far more maddening and crazy than an overt attack…you would prefer to have him shouting his complains!

He is acting out the “angry blackmailer role,” a script that basically tells you without words: “Look how mad I am, because of what you did to me I have to be raving mad… all is your fault. Now figure out what you did wrong and how you’re going to make it up to me.”

So he sits in his magnificent silence, and you know you are being held hostage of his real or invented rage. You are forced now to guess what provoked his rage. How are you going to act without showing your own frustration? By being rational as hell, of course! When he says nothing, what can you say or do? Acting in a very cold way is your only way out:

Avoid getting to the conclusion that nothing can be done with this kind of blackmailer, and don’t walk away. Take a deep breath and think in this way:

• It is useless to expect him to tell what is wrong;
• It is worthless to ask them what is wrong, or tell him he needs to stop this childish behavior;
• It is counterproductive to appeal to peace and understanding: he is having fun!
• It is silly to take the blame and apologize for whatever he feels is wrong;
• It is useless to search for his deeper motivations now;

Get another deep breath and remember that you are dealing with an immature person who feels inadequate or powerless and who uses silent control as a means of getting you attached to him.

When you are able to focus on the “scared child aspect”, say something like:

“It looks like you’re angry right now, and I’ll be willing to discuss this situation with you as soon as you’re ready to talk about it,”

Then leave the room, and him alone.

Is important that you stick to this calm attitude, accepting their anger, even recognizing its cause if you know it:

“I’m clear that you are upset because I need to travel around your birthday and will not be here exactly that date, but I’m certainly willing to plan for a second birthday party and do what makes you happy then.”

His behavior doesn’t give you a lot of room: you need to accept the fact that you will have to make the first move most, if not all, of the times. This person is now in your life, and you can’t change that now, so send him the message that they can tell you what they’re angry about and you offer to hear them out without escalating the conflict with your own complaints.

Keeping calm, and treating his behavior as a communication problem that can be solved when he decides to share are the best rational  techniques that can change this situation. You need to avoid showing your frustration, shouting or telling about the challenges you encounter in the relationship.

Now the only way out is to inform your hubby in a calm way that you are inviting him to talk in his own time, as if you are not surprised, disappointed or repulsed by his acting out his anger. He can’t express his anger in any other way, so bear with it in a calm way.
And have clarity in what you are going to say: “You can be silent, and I can try to understand what is going on with you, but to go to any conclusion, you need to share with me what is the issue. If you can’t talk now, I will ask you in two hours….See you”

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Technorati Tags: anger, angry husband, Cold Shoulder, conflict, negative emotions, rejection, resentment, Silence, understanding