This Valentine season, you will have (or give) diamonds, nice red roses, a fancy evening and bittersweet chocolate. With the exception of the diamonds, all the rest can be forgotten in a week. Which is the most important gift that you want for your relationship? Is the one you really need conjugal peace and harmony? After all, both peace and chocolate will help you stay healthy and happy – but which one helps you avoid the constant fighting that can lead to divorce?

Why do couples fight? Marital squabbles can be over lots of things:

• Control struggles (who’s in charge) and how decisions are made

• Degree of reciprocal control or independence

• Treatment of in-laws and significant relatives

• Sex: how, when, why, by whom, varieties

• Money: earning, managing, saving and spending

With the objective of controlling, humiliating or winning over the other, all kinds of negative things are said, things that are difficult to take back. The results are very sad; repetition of the fight, which is inevitable when it is not resolved, will sour the relationship. Fair fighting is designed to deal with issues that bring conflict without destroying the relationship.

We need to remind you that “love” as it is known in songs and popular conversations, has no meaning if it not carried along a certain set of behaviors. Those love behaviors have to be learned, and applied. Once you accept this, you will find that your life is infinitely more satisfying and rich, because people will recognize immediately that you know how to treat them well!

Want to know how to spark some passion in your relationship? See our case study at Relationship Repair.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation at Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

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Technorati Tags: fair fighting, health marriage, love, marriage, passion, relationship repair, Relationships, Valentine's Day

Let’s remember the basic facts: women and men are basically different.

Furthermore, their desire to live together doesn’t make the differences disappear – thinking that confrontations will magically not happen is even more magic! Partners need a protocol to manage inevitable confrontations and they need to know how to do relationship repair.

Managing confrontations can be discovered in our previous book, How to Fight Fair in Your Marriage. In this article, however, we want to focus on the basics of what it takes to repair a relationship.

Relationship repair must be based on human needs. First, you must be familiar with the basic needs, and then your “repair work” must be based on that need. In a general way, you can find out which basic need is being frustrated by asking yourself what are the things he/she complains about you most frequently.

For example: the need for recognition. You can identify this need if your spouse often says that you:

Don’t pay attention; (“You never listen to me”).
Don’t appreciate him/her; (“You don’t care about the things that are important to me”).
Don’t care about their dreams; (“You don’t even remember that I would love to ___”).

What would some basic repair behaviors be?

First, you need to make it a task for yourself to respond to him/her in such a way that they feel listened to (“I hear you saying that you are tired of ___, where would you like to go instead?”).

Then, set out to address the unsatisfied need directly. To satisfy a need for recognition, find something each day to observe and appreciate, before going to sleep (“I’ve never had such a good ___”). Ask, “Where do you see us in five years?” and “Is there something else that you would like to talk about?” Don’t give logical, drawn out reasons as to explain why nothing is possible, because in this way you kill any project and dampen any enthusiasm for change there could be.

Just listen, and repeat back what the other person said, in your own words, and ask for the other person’s confirmation: “Did I understand you well?”

Do you need more tips for repairing your relationship? Of course you do!

Join us for free at “National Relationships Repair Month,” where you’ll receive access to a 4 week plan for handling conflict and reconnecting with your spouse.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation at Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

 

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Technorati Tags: communication, conflict resolution, constructive conflict, healthy conflict, Healthy Marriage, human needs, marriage, needs, needs satisfaction, reflective listening, relationship repair, Relationships, repair, satisfaction

We wanted to challenge the “End of the Year Blues”, as we realized how many issues are still without resolution when it comes to important relationships…

With this in mind, we are proud to announce that December will be

“National Relationships Repair Month“

This FREE program spans over 4 whole weeks for a good discussion and healing of the issues that form the base of our relationships, so hidden we usually do not take the time to reflect on them…

We provide here good reading materials for you to learn from, questions and answers and finally, a good plan to restore your relationships. We count with your participation!

Get a good look at this new offer, and hop on board! Here is the link, and remember that we are waiting for you!

http://nationalrelationshipsmonth.com

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation at Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

 

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Technorati Tags: attitude change, communication, conflict resolution, confrontation, emotions, feelings, forgiveness, frustration, happiness, Healthy Marriage, healthy relationships, love, marriage, recognition, reconciliation, Relationships, resilience, respect

But what about group interaction? As humans, we have a foundational need to belong to the group – which group you want to belong to, you decide, but you still have a need for company. When we are excluded or “ostracized” in any interaction, it strikes a blow to our self-esteem. This even includes interactions with strangers, such as networking seminars for work, group activities at school, blind dates or any other point where we might be rejected by a stranger. It is also devastating on youngsters; the impact of school bullying, where one person is selected to be rejected by a group of peers, has long lasting effects on self-esteem.

Of course, being rejected by a loved one or family member can be even more painful.

You might already know that passive aggressive behavior often revolves around avoiding rejection – the emotion is so painful that it calls for hurting others first. But even if you’re not passive aggressive, you know what it’s like to be rejected, and you probably subconsciously avoid the emotion. According to Kipling D. Williams, a Purdue University expert, ostracism can cause pain that often is deeper and lasts longer than a physical injury; he calls it an “invisible form of bullying.”

What happens in the brain when we’re rejected? Interestingly, the part of our brains that register physical pain also feel the sting of emotional pain like rejection.

Studies have shown that there is no one personality that is more or less susceptible to rejection and its damaging effects – it happens to all of us. Some of us may cope with rejection differently, however; we may try harder to be included by being more obliging and doing extra favors. Or, we may try to get attention by provoking others or even being aggressive. In extreme situations, continually being rejected can lead us to become overall less friendly and more aggressive to people, acting out on the sadness and pain that we’re feeling. Imagine having an intense wound that rude people kept poking their fingers in – wouldn’t you be angry and stop trusting those who approach saying “I’m only here to help”?

Anyone who is in this situation should know that there is always help out there for those willing to seek it. Even just a wise friend can help you, or a supportive coach. Another tip is to analyze carefully who you’re trying to be included with – are those you’re trying to impress promoting unhealthy ways of life and communication? Remember that your best bet at having a happy life is to surround yourself with others who are accepting and supportive – not negative and harsh.

And of course – remember that you can reject others, too, and cause them pain. Be aware of both your own emotions and those of others in order to put a stop to the vicious cycle of rejecting others by impulse to hurt, without thinking about the pain inflicted.

Do you need help learning how to cope with rejection, or how to know if you are rejecting others without realizing it? A Conflict Coach can help you here, with lessons and tips that will be useful to you in healing. Please visit Conflict Coach today to learn more.

Technorati Tags: abuse, belonging, brain, bullying, communication, Emotional Abuse, emotional needs, emotional pain, interaction, ostracization, ostracized, rejected, rejection, relationship conflict, Relationships, Self-Esteem

Why are we attracted to other people? It’s a question for the ages, isn’t it? Usually, at the heart of the matter, we feel that our attraction to others is just something we can’t explain and can’t control. But something we’ve been talking about here should ring a bell with you now: what if your brain is making choices about who you’re attracted to, based on criteria you’re not aware of?

Brain scan studies have shown that early romantic love generates a unique pattern of brain activity. Regions of the brain related to addiction and even mental illness light up on the scan when a person sees a photo of his or her beloved. This happens regardless of the culture the person is from, telling us that attraction depends mostly on this search that the inner brain is doing for its “love object.”

The brain’s reaction to a new acquaintance carrying the promise of romantic love happens even before our rational, conscious cognition kicks in. The brain is definitely subconsciously looking for, and responding to, something in this other person. But what is it?

We are in the early stages of knowing how the brain works. Ours is only a guess, but perhaps what the brain is looking for is to re-establish a bridge to a person, a person with characteristics similar to the one who caused and primed us for relationships: the caretaker figure. What the qualities this caretaker had (secure, ambivalent, avoidant), this was the way of brain defined “love.” Then and there, that became the model we had for connection. The brain said to itself, this caretaker helps us survive, so their definition of “love” must be the right one.

You can see where this can become a problem. If you had an avoidant caretaker, your brain is hardwired to search for other avoidant people to love you. You may suddenly realize at 40 that you want a secure attachment, and if you look back, you’ll see that you already had good, secure people in your past. They were there, they approached you, and you rejected them because they were boring! They lacked the drama of your own avoidant attachment, which taught you that anger, abandonment and emotional isolation were “the way connections are supposed to be.”

Here, the meaning of the word “detox” comes to the fore. If you realize that you have become an “addict” to people who are insecure, anxious and always running away from commitment, simply because this was your first relationship blueprint, how do you detox your brain from this?

How can you teach your brain to light up when it finds a secure person, who can respect and accept you warts and all? This is the core of “being in relationships as existential learning theory”: how can a secure relationship teach your brain to love? How can you re-train your brain to stop going after toxins, and start seeking nourishment, essentially choosing how your brain is going to see the world?

This is what we are here for; this is what we help people do. Don’t hesitate to begin healing with us today, if your situation is like the one above. Your entire person deserves fulfillment that is nourishing and conducive to your growth; not toxins supplied by destructive persons. Call us today at Conflict Coach to speak about how you can shift your perspectives and train your brain for love.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation at Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

 

Technorati Tags: accept love, attachment, attachment style, brain, detox, healthy love, Healthy Marriage, healthy relationships, passive aggressive, passive aggressive relationships, Relationships, toxic marriage, toxic relationships

But a great relationship relies on all of those things, comfortably shared. So how can you learn to improve your willingness to communicate with each other, if it doesn’t come naturally to one or both of you?

Firstly, it is important that you stay honest with yourself about what you need in a relationship, and from life in general. Remember, relationships satisfy us emotionally because we provide each other with things we need: love, respect, support, commitment. When we provide each other with what we each need, we grow at the same pace because we are each at a positive level. Beyond that, there are also other needs each of you have that have to be brought out in the relationship: commitment to careers, life goals, dreams, favorite activities, etc. For example, if one partner isn’t aware that something is important to the other, imagine their surprise when suddenly, a date is postponed for a meeting with a beloved mentor!

Your needs tie into what you expect from a relationship, and what you won’t condone. If you know ahead of time that you are not comfortable with this or that (for example, if you think hard and admit that you have a tendency to be jealous and expect attention) then you can communicate that to your partner early on.

When we talk about communicating our boundaries with each other, there are some basic ideas at play: how much of your life you want to share, how much of your resources you want to become “shared” (money, for example), and how much emotion you’re willing to invest in order to make your partner happy.

Kind of like balancing your budget, you need to decide how much you’re willing to “spend” in the relationship. Now, you don’t have to be exacting and superficial on this, but you should have an idea of how much of yourself and your time you’re willing to share. Not only does this tell you something about yourself and your emotional needs regarding intimacy, it tells you how willing you are to commit to your partner in the long run. If you feel you are “investing” more than you are comfortable with just so the other person is happy, you will short-change yourself in the long run. Your relationship needs to go at a pace that seems a good fit for both of you.

When sharing your boundaries and intimacy “budget” with your partner, remember that no one can read your mind. You have to be clear, and if you really feel something is important to you, state it. Don’t hesitate to share your true feelings, although of course you want to do it with compassion and respect (as you would want done to you, if you overstep or make someone else feel uncomfortable or threatened). If you feel that something is especially hurtful toward you, say so the first time you feel wronged. State how it makes you feel and that you won’t allow it.

Lastly, of course, is to remember that your partner is doing this mental analysis of himself, as well! He’d better know his boundaries, just like you. You can encourage your partner to share their needs and desires with you, but you’ll only be convincing if you offer some honesty in return. When the two of you feel you can be honest with each other, you can quickly get to the heart of matters and conflicts. You can feel free to say, “Yes, here, this makes me uncomfortable,” or “Here, we disagree because we each come from these two opinions about gender roles.” Once the two of you are in that space of near-objectivity, you can begin to look not only around, inside, and through issues, but beyond them. You can see all the opportunities for common growth!

Many couples struggle with how to set boundaries properly and respectfully. If you find yourself in a relationship where boundaries are being crossed (and you don’t know how to express your true feelings) or a new relationship where you’re not sure how much of yourself to give, don’t hesitate to call on one of our coaches for support. We are always here for you and your relationship needs! Visit Conflict Coach today for your private, confidential consultation.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today. We can begin by you receiving from Conflict Coach a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

 

Technorati Tags: boundaries, comfort zone, commitment, conflict, conflict resolution, honesty, insecurity, intimacy, limits, love, openness, Relationships, Self-Esteem, sharing, trust

All humans are social creatures at their core – even if those hermit-like people among us don’t realize it. As social creatures, we are hardwired to show our emotional states to others in every facial expression, tone of voice, gestures, and how fast or slow those are shared. The language of our bodies and expressions can change the way we feel about or react to another person.

Within relationships, it often happens that two people who know each other very well come to naturally recognize and understand each other’s body language. However, even then, we’re not always aware of the signals we ourselves are giving off to others. It’s important that even the happiest couples learn to reflect on both their signals and their partner’s, in order to reach better understanding and needs fulfillment.

Some experts have explored an idea they call “feeling felt.” This is when you have the sense that your partner feels your feelings (attunement) and is able to respond in the appropriate way. “Feeling felt” is something that we all instinctively need, emotionally. And we need it at every stage of life.

Relationships where each person has this need satisfied are usually relationships where positive emotions run high and negative emotions are rare.

If you’ve been following along with us for a while, you’ve probably read this and already guessed that “feeling felt” is pretty much dependent on having a secure attachment to one another, right? It’s true that someone with a passive aggressive or avoidant partner isn’t going to “feel felt” very often.

What is interesting about feeling your partner’s feelings is that it’s often non-verbal. In classic empathy between those who don’t know each other well, you can understand where people are coming from or feel sad when they do, but they have to verbally say, “I’m feeling this” first. When a couple is properly attuned with each other, strong positive (or strong negative) emotions can be sensed in a way that isn’t expressed in words. Rather, it’s expressed in body language, expressions, gestures, and tone of voice.

Want to get to know your partner well enough that you can both know what it’s like to “feel felt”? Perhaps you want this, but you’re not sure your partner understands the importance of it? We can help! Please visit us at Conflict Coach to learn more about what you can do to find attunement and secure attachment in your relationships. Our coaches are standing by!

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having your Conflict Coach session, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

 

Technorati Tags: attachment styles, attunement, commitment, communication, emotions, empathy, feeling felt, feelings, Marriage and Comunications, marriage crisis, passive aggression, passive aggressive, Relationships

In data from the Minnesota Longitudinal Study of Risk and Adaptation (MLSRA) study, conducted over a 30-year period from birth to adulthood, investigators learned a great deal about relationships and how they evolve. In fact, a lot of what they learned are things we’ve been talking about here on the blog lately!

For example, researchers found out that having a secure, supportive mother in toddlerhood often leads to an individual being a “strong link” in adult relationships (e.g., the person with a large emotional stake in the couple). In effect, individuals mirror the kind of role they saw their caretaker in, and end up developing a secure attachment style.

The opposite is also true. An individual who did not have a secure mother in childhood (avoidant) grew to be the “weak link” in their adult relationships. That is to say, they become avoidant themselves, always keeping one foot out the door just in case!

Why is it important to have a secure attachment?  those who secure attachment to their caretakers were better able to handle conflict in their adolescent years (formative years where some big decisions can happen), and can go on managing relationships better when grown up.

Now, we’ve discussed before what happens when a secure adult marries/has a relationship with an avoidant adult. This is often the recipe for conflict, hurt feelings, defensive behavior, and passive aggressive relationships. The MLSRA, predictably, backs this idea up. But it also has something to add to that: if your attachments don’t match up, you’ll have more friction.

So, even if two avoidant people get together (what we would think of as a bad thing), their expectations and commitment are equally low, so there’s less conflict between what one person wants and what the other does. It’s an interesting addition to the passive aggression debate: could two passive aggressive people actually make a long-term marriage work? Perhaps, if one or the other was often traveling or working!

In the end, whatever the combination of attachment styles, it was found that couples with mismatched commitments/styles were the most hostile toward one another.

This and other new studies about attachment and behavior tell us a lot about how we learn to love and support one another. Even from the beginning of our lives, our brains are “taking notes” on various topics: what happens if I approach someone with a problem different from mine? Where can I go for support? Is trust a good thing?

Are you currently going through a marriage crisis of your own? Are you wondering whether it’s safe to trust others, whether you’re able to commit or love anyone else? If so, please don’t hesitate to contact us for help and emotional support. We are always here to listen and offer our expert advice. You can receive relationship and attachment style coaching at Conflict Coach today.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation (by clicking here), with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

 

Technorati Tags: attachment, attachment styles, commitment, communication, marriage, marriage crisis, passive aggression, passive aggressive, Relationships, studies and research, trust

What are some rules that we recommend?

Well, for intense emotional issues and conflicts, there are two rules that we think are non-negotiable – you can’t go without them.

• Confrontation is by appointment only. Conflicts can occur at any time, we know. However, there is a time and a place for discussing problems and issues that are bothering us (i.e., McDonalds over lunch is not one of them). All parties should agree to briefly describe the problem, then make plans for when is a good time for all to talk. This can be as simple as saying, “I’d like to talk about what happened just now. Can we speak at home?”
• Everybody has the right to a time-out. Sometimes things get out of control when emotions like anger or fear escalate. Realize that every person has the right to feel overwhelmed, and the right to ask for a break to calm down and recollect. However, it also that person’s responsibility to make clear when you will reconvene (minutes or days later).

Need more ideas about coming up with family rules? It may help to divide into a few categories: rules that keep the conversation constructive, rules to handle disruptive emotions like anger, rules to improve communication, and how-to rules for reaching solutions that please both parties.

Here are some good examples of rules that pertain to the first category – maintaining constructive conflict:

• Confrontation by appointment only – we talked about this one. Just as a reminder, don’t make an appointment to sit down and talk right before bed, work or school.  There should be enough time to both talk out the issue and mentally unwind afterward.
• Optimal location – location has a lot to do with how constructive the confrontation is. A lot of interruptions will impede the flow of ideas, so pick a quiet place. Avoid the bedroom, which should stay associated with peace and rest. A good place to talk about issues is a calm, neutral, pleasing place. Moving while you talk can keep endorphins going at a nice pace, so a park is often a good place to go. If all else fails, phone conversations can remove a physical space that feels threatening.
• Start on a kind foot – Show your desire for mutual respect and peace by taking their hand, offering a gift or compliment, or anything that you feel is appropriate to diminish hostility. Just don’t go overboard into making it seem like a bribe! Your main objective is to show that you are opening the conversation on a sure ground by professing that you want to protect your relationship’s underlying values. In short: you are saying: we want to improve the good relationship we already have…

Need help creating rules for conflict in the other categories, like reaching workplace resolutions? Visit our conflict coach today to receive a free consultation. Coach Nora can send you on your way to a healthy relationship in no time at all!

Technorati Tags: angry husband, appreciation, attitude change, Cold Shoulder, conflict, conflict coach, conflict resolution, conflict rules, confrontation, control, emotions, feelings, fight, frustration, happiness, Healthy Marriage, healthy relationships, negative emotions, Relationships, respect, Self-Esteem, understanding

However, the ways we attach to one another depend on many factors, namely, how our mothers/caregivers were attached to us during our first year of life. This first year creates this pattern simply because that is the time that our very survival depends on someone else, so whatever happens between the child and the caretaker leaves an imprint on the malleable young brain.

Whether in or out of conflict, the way we interact with others is based on our learned attachment patterns. Analyzing attachment is very useful in revealing hidden motives, needs and desires in any relationship.

What are the three main attachment styles?

• Secure: Secure attachment is a healthy attachment. It is confidence and security in both the permanence of the relationship, and the honesty of the significant other. Secure attachment people tend to trust that their partners love them and find them attractive. This was learned from a secure mother, who was there for the child when it needed her, and provided love and attention on a continual (rather than spotty or random) basis.
• Anxious: Anxious attachment deals with fear of rejection and relationship stability. An anxious attachment pattern in a mother relates to a mother who alternately smothered and ignored the child, bouncing between thinking she didn’t love it enough and thinking she loved it too much. This undependable and erratic behavior translates to the adult relationship, making the terrain of the relationship unreliable and fickle.
• Avoidant: Avoidant attachment deals with a lack of desire to depend on others, as well as an abhorrence of opening up or being vulnerable. This is learned in childhood when a mother is avoidant – she will deny the child attention, avoid giving him what he needs if he asks for it. Often, avoidant partners will call their significant others “needy” and “overemotional,” and see themselves as independent and self-assured individuals who do not depend from others.

Something to keep in mind is that if there are recurring conflicts within a relationship (or if there is some kind of trust or communication issue blocking a resolution), conflicting attachment styles could be at play.

For example, a marriage where a secure woman is with an avoidant man is probably prone to episodes where the wife is considered “needy” by the husband, and the husband is considered “heartless” by the wife. What we often write off as male and female stereotypes and roles within a relationship are not cut in stone – they are merely attachment styles, and can be mixed across genders!

Do you have a conflict where you think attachment styles may be combating? Perhaps you have another conflict and want to get an expert opinion on the situation? Get a free consultation with our conflict coach today, and learn what you can do to create happier, healthier relationships with others!

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation (by clicking here), with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

Technorati Tags: attachment, attachment patterns, attachment styles, communication, communication in relationships, conflict in relationships, conflict resolution, Healthy Marriage, healthy relationships, marriage, Passive Aggressive Behavior, passive aggressive spouse, Relationships, trust