Registration is FREE.

The first week is dedicated to discuss about this issue:  ”How to understand your Conflicts” You can find this content on line, ready for your download after becoming a member.  Remember, we are waiting for you there!

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation at Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

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Technorati Tags: conflict resolution, emotions, recognition, Relationships Repair, Self-Esteem

We wanted to challenge the “End of the Year Blues”, as we realized how many issues are still without resolution when it comes to important relationships…

With this in mind, we are proud to announce that December will be

“National Relationships Repair Month“

This FREE program spans over 4 whole weeks for a good discussion and healing of the issues that form the base of our relationships, so hidden we usually do not take the time to reflect on them…

We provide here good reading materials for you to learn from, questions and answers and finally, a good plan to restore your relationships. We count with your participation!

Get a good look at this new offer, and hop on board! Here is the link, and remember that we are waiting for you!

http://nationalrelationshipsmonth.com

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation at Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

 

Related Blogs

Related Blogs

Technorati Tags: attitude change, communication, conflict resolution, confrontation, emotions, feelings, forgiveness, frustration, happiness, Healthy Marriage, healthy relationships, love, marriage, recognition, reconciliation, Relationships, resilience, respect

• Are you accessible when I try to reach out to you?
• Will you be responsive to my needs?
• Are you committed to this relationship?

In other words, beneath the content of words spoken in fights, partners are looking for answers to questions of:

• Are you there for me?
• Are you emotionally present?
• Do you see, value and love me?

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more!

Technorati Tags: appreciation, attitude change, conflict resolution, confrontation, control, critique, Emotional Abuse, forgiveness, happiness, Healthy Marriage, hidden anger, love, recognition

In other words, that our partner doesn’t show enough appreciation. Yet those who complaint about this are perpetrators as well! There is a certain degree of the “mirror-effect” in relationships… if you complain about your partner, chances are that you will be criticized in return and things will start to get sour. But if you praise and recognize your partner’s virtues, you will be flattered in return and things will remain in good terms.

It is true that it is easier to focus on the negative and not mention the positive. After all, we have been trained to pick out mistakes since childhood (remember those exercises where you had to choose which item did “not belong” to the group?), and most professions require us to constantly use our critical skills to find faults and blunders that could, say, bring a project or a budget to pieces.

But this education and professional upbringing is detrimental to our relationships because when it comes to people and relationships it should be the other way around: we choose each other because we all want and need someone else who can be for us “warts and all;” who can accept and appreciate all of our aspects; an attitude that is  generally called love. But when the person that is supposed to accept us as we are tries to begin the project of improving his or her partner by pointing out whatever faults he or she has, then that person feels unaccepted evaluated in a negative manner; in other words, unloved.

Remember that whatever you focus on, tends to take center stage: if you focus on a negative trait of your partner, like her tendency to be late for appointments and dates, then this trait will become prevalent and negate the perception of other positive traits that attracted you to her before. So let’s begin:

• Every time you need to talk about some changes needed, begin recollecting the good things done;
• Try to find a positive thing to comment on daily;
• Don’t you dare to mention negative aspects without talking about how good the positive ones are, first.
• If the results are awful, praise the good intention;
• Be very creative and find unexpected aspects to praise: a busy person that accomplishes everything could be praised for her constant smile, or her good disposition even along the busiest day;
• Don’t be mean, don’t link praise with immediate critique: “you did well, but forgot this part.” In this case, the “but” will cancel the praise. The two propositions don’t need to be linked.

To keep your marriage healthy and happy through the years, remember that you need to produce 5 positive appreciations for each critical comment offered to your partner. A higher rate of appreciation has been proven to guarantee long-lasting marriages!

Apply these techniques for a while and you will see a change in the quality of your relationships, having more trust, and pleasure in the mutual company.

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing Conflict Coach opportunities, along with blog updates, news, and more!

Technorati Tags: appreciation, critique, feelings, fight, Healthy Marriage, healthy relationships, isolation, love, recognition, respect, Self-Esteem

Any relationship is an implicit contract in which both individuals promise to help each other get satisfaction to some of the needs we all have. We need to help people find new ways to meet their personal needs in ways that will serve them and others in the long term.

From that neutral point of view, is that we offer this definition:

Given that people don’t know how to identify their own human needs and how to negotiate with others needs’ satisfaction, thus they need to fight with each other. Conflict is a learning experience, because:

• Is a way of interaction with each other by which we attempt to clarify our own needs;
• We explore the relationship limits, especially those related to how much it provides both parties with needs satisfaction.

Conflict creation involves either creating or responding to challenges, and so it is the main tool to get variety in our lives. What kind of variety? Here is the important distinction: it has to be from the kind of variety that makes us grow… in the right direction.

A conflict that challenges our need for love and connection has the risk of making us feel rejected and lonely. Perhaps the challenge is to learn how to process social isolation while reinforcing self-esteem? No one but the person undergoing this challenge can know.

What we do know is that we all need to navigate times when things don’t go as we planned them to be, when expectations are foiled and frustration of basic needs is the main threat. It is here that we need positive conflict strategies!

Positive conflict defines a process involving self-discovery, needs discovery, and reciprocal trade-offs, so both parties are satisfied with what they obtain beyond learning how to manage a good, respectful process.

Negative conflict is confrontation between people who don’t know how to express what they need. nor how to negotiate satisfiers for their needs. The end result is not learning but only venting caused by needs and frustration.

Moreover, it is called negative conflict because it has to recur as many times as necessary for both sides to learn what the other side’s needs are, and to begin offering something to the other to fulfill these needs!

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing Conflict Coach sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more!

Technorati Tags: appreciation, conflict resolution, confrontation, control, feelings, fight, frustration, growth, human needs, isolation, loneliness, love, recognition, Relationships, respect, Self-Esteem

Of course, forceful change never works. In fact, the more you push for change, the more the other person will resist, right? As in this example:

“I have learned that the more I push for something, the more he pulls away from it. So, I have left projects of doing things together, even after a year of dating, in the back of my mind. Outwardly, I show him that the idea of moving in and sharing a life completely disinterests me now.

I wish he would be open to ideas and projects to do together and be willing to talk about things we wish for the future, even when they scare him, but it doesn’t happen…”

Sometimes, we project our dreams outside and hope that others will realize them, because we are insecure of our own power. The solution is really straightforward: we need to embrace the project, let our enthusiasm grow about it instead of hiding, and make this project part of our lives now and in the future.

And the other person? well, when we are not stopped by his/her resistance, and we get into our own power, the other person has a choice: either to look at his own interests and promote them, or drop out of your life. In short, owning your dreams makes you the owner of your own life…and forces you to find someone who can really share them.

Perhaps the old lesson: “you need to find your life’s purpose first and then find the people who can help you develop in that direction” continues being true?
3. “What I need is for my husband to let me know that he thinks my ideas and opinions are valid and well founded. Otherwise, he’s not treating me as his partner or his ally; he’s treating me as an enemy. He’s telling me that I don’t have the right to make decisions or have input.”

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Technorati Tags: appreciation, attitude change, forgiveness, Healthy Marriage, recognition, resilience

In this special time of the year, besides doing too many tasks together in order to make time to prepare for celebrations, we also have the opportunity to reflect on our deep values: love, companionship, respect for and appreciation of important people in our lives….

Here is a little story to invite us to focus on what we really cherish:

A Different Christmas Story

A week before Christmas, Dan came home from work late as usual. He found his 5-year-old son, Jack, waiting for him at the front door. After greeting him, his son nervously asked if he could ask him a question.
‘What is it’? Dan said, rather brusquely.
‘Daddy, how much do you earn in an hour?’
‘Why do you need to know that?’ Dan responded angrily.
‘I just need to know. Daddy, please tell me how much you make an hour?’
‘If you must know, I make $25 an hour.’
Oh,’ Jack replied, with his head down. and then:
‘Daddy, may I please borrow $10?’
Dan became exasperated, telling Jack to go straight to bed for wanting to waste money on some silly toy. The boy left quietly.
But when Dan had calmed down, he realized Jack never asked for money before. He wondered what he could have wanted it for. Dan went to the door of his son’s room and quietly asked his little boy if he was sleeping.
‘No daddy, I’m awake,’ replied Jack.
‘I’ve been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier’, said Dan. ‘It’s been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you.’
‘Here’s the $10.00 you asked for.’
Jack sat up, smiled, gave his father a hug and cried ‘Thank you daddy!’ Then he reached under his pillow and pulled out some crumpled up notes. Dan noticed the money and began to get angry again.
‘Why did you want money if you already had some?’ He protested.
But his son was counting the money, and took a moment before looking at his father again.
‘Because I didn’t have enough, but now I do’, the little boy replied.
‘Daddy, I have $25 now. Can I buy an hour of your time?’
‘Please come home early on Christmas Eve so I get to have dinner with you.’
Dan felt horrible. He hugged his son and asked for his forgiveness: ‘I have been so blind to the need we have to be together! I will do better from now on!’

This is just a reminder to all of you who work so hard. You are in serious danger of confusing income with love…Please, don’t let time go by without sharing it with those who really matter to you, you will not remember later when money was short, but your loved ones will remember when love was abundant!

Watch your opportunities to touch the people around you, because they depend on your love. Then, pass this message on…Your friends and family will thank you!

Neil Warner
Creative Conflict Resolutions
3415 Galt Ocean Drive, Fort Lauderdale, FL, 33308

Technorati Tags: appreciation, attitude change, conflict resolution, feelings, forgiveness, happiness, healthy relationships, loneliness, love, recognition, reconciliation, understanding

“Fight fire with fire”
“The best defense is a good attack”

Most of your experiences teach you to respond to other person’s perceived attack with another attack, so the dispute instead of being resolved escalates to a real battle.

Why do we do this? Because our brains are structured on the fight or flight response, and automatically provides us with a counter aggression response.

Well, you are going to say: if this is the natural way our brain reacts, it must be the good one, right?

Not necessarily! Too many times we misinterpret something said as an offense against us, or proceed based on our fears without enough information….

Fighting fire with fire is automatic, but deprives us of the power of really, really, managing the interaction. We are rendered hostages to anyone who wants to fight with us, be it convenient or not for ourselves.

Perhaps you are open to another proposal: this one that says that escalation will not get your needs fulfilled. As much as you can yell at your husband to make him understand how frustrated are you with him; or how much he can slam the door to stop your “nasty demands,” this aggressive counter-attack will release the anger but get you far from any satisfaction of your needs.

Especially if you are hurting because your needs for love and connection are not fulfilled, they are going to be even worst attended after escalating the aggressive interaction!

In the end, we are not obligated to answer fire with fire; it continues to be a personal choice the way we respond. It is always my choice how I respond to situations, because no amount of “fighting” or negative response will change the truth of the situation: that my real power consists in changing myself, and choosing my responses.

When I recover my own personal power, I can select another option: one that says that I’m free to not answer with more aggression. Of course, to do that, I need to control my emotions, recover a rhythm of breathing that will calm my automatic response to fight, and position myself as an observer.

What do I see? My loved one and I, and also see a clear picture of the interaction between us: This lovely couple, otherwise very loving and happy are embroiled now in this nasty dispute…are they really hurting each other? Can I see it as an exercise of testing each other’s limits; of learning how to express requests for love and support in a productive way instead of hurling insults?

A compassionate view of both of you, escalating a dispute because both need support and love from each other can help you to finally say:

Wait, what is that we want to get from each other? Is yelling at each other the best way? When we are done yelling, is it true that we still need to learn how to express our needs in such a way as the other can hear us?

Next time you see a fight coming your way, control your breathing, smile and say: “Can we sit down and have a nice conversation about your needs and mine? Where we can respect each other and listen? Now, tell me what is upsetting you so much!”

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Technorati Tags: aggression, attitude change, confrontation, Emotional Abuse, emotions, feelings, fight, frustration, healthy relationships, recognition, Self-Esteem, Silence

For example, one crisis may be originated because your partner fantasizes about another person, and may even have acted on those fantasies. An often sought solution is to accuse the person of infidelity and demand loyalty. A better solution that may save the relationship and make it better than it was is to ask questions. Not, “Why was I not good enough,” but, “What is pushing them away from me?” and, “What do they need emotionally that they’re not getting?”

Blaming your partner for a crisis and making yourself pitiable does not work at saving the marriage or even saving face after the marriage ends. It creates bitterness that wounds you day after day.

It is understandable that you love your partner and don’t want to lose this person, but by blaming, you make demands and try to force them to love you back. If you truly love them, you need to fix what you may have done to push them away first – otherwise, it will happen all over again, whether it’s a month, a year, or a decade later.

Show your partner through positive actions as well as words that you understand what it is that went wrong and are honestly committed to saving the relationship. If this sounds pushover-ish, think for a moment. Every action has a cause. People in loving relationships do not suddenly break away and chase another lover for no reason. Sometimes we unintentionally place demands and stress on someone else, and they end up leaving us behind. This is not an irreversible practice.

What kind of actions would show this kind of commitment? Think not only about what you like and what you love, but what the other person values and needs. Maybe you’ve been blind to those things all along.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Technorati Tags: angry husband, conflict, Emotional Abuse, healthy relationships, recognition, reconciliation, Relationships, resilience, respect

Healing from emotional abuse rarely starts with a change in the abuser – it starts with a change in the victim. You, as the victim, must affirm your need for a healthy relationship. Believe it or not, recognizing that there is a problem and taking steps to change that problem is huge progress. Many abusers continue to abuse simply because the victim fails to recognize or will not be honest about the recurring abuse. Efforts for change are achieved by laying the groundwork for new “terms and conditions” of the relationship – changes you want to see made, and rules of fair conduct and treatment.

In establishing these terms, it is important that you outline (preferably with your partner, but by yourself if necessary), very specifically, which attitudes and behaviors are offensive and aggressive. Create clear consequences for failure to stop those actions – similar to the consequences of violating a contract.

Set boundaries for yourself and your partner. Abuse, generally speaking, occurs out of disrespect for boundaries of self and freedom. It is up to you to draw the lines in your relationship and stop allowing this trespassing of your boundaries to occur. As a victim, you know best what hurts you and what doesn’t. Don’t back down at clearly defining the limit between what you can and can’t handle. Many times a sudden change in the victim’s attitude will perplex the abuser. Let your partner know that allow disrespect went unchallenged in the past, this is a new era in the relationship.

Be prepared for the fact that their cooperation may be given grudgingly at first, and realize that change in any relationship requires absolute commitment. It is a hard idea to come to terms with, but in advanced stages of abuse, change may be too late, despite your efforts. Your commitment to a healthy, respectful relationship may result in the termination of the abusive one. The important thing is that you stay committed to your cause and continue striving for the respect and love you deserve.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today, get your ebook about healing emotional abuse now!.

Technorati Tags: appreciation, conflict, critique, Emotional Abuse, forgiveness, Healthy Marriage, recognition, Self-Esteem