What is this powerful indicator that Dr. Gottman was focusing on? The communication styles of both sides, when the fight begins. There are four very definite conflict moves that will tell if you if they know how to fight fair, or if they are going for the yugular, as in other street conflict you can have. There is a fine line between constructive conflict and destructive one…and here it is crossed early on.

Yes, the first sorry mistake is to forget that you are fighting with the person you love, and begin fighting as if your loved one is an enemy to destroy. What kind of satisfaction will you obtain if you win the piddly battle now but lose the war and end up losing your spouse in the long run?

Looks silly to respond that you want to “win”, but that is what most people do. Let’s see how do they fight:

The Nasty Fight has four elements:

a) Begin critizing the other person immediately, about something real or about something you’ve imagined that the person did. It doesn’t matter if it is real, the effect is get the other person feeling critized in a very real way;
b) Defend yourself immediately, and don’t consider if the other person has said something true. To protect yourself is the first duty, and doing that reject any opening to share responsibility or worry by listening.
c) Even better, do the total silence/stonewalling answer. You withdraw from the conversation, deny that you have something to do, and block the communication lines between your spouse and you. 85% of the stonewallers were men, by the way, in Gottman’s study.
d) Contemp is the last move you can do to destroy your partner’s trust on you. You are the superior one, and look at her as from the high levels of your better judgement. She has to appear small, insignificant and silly…help convey this meaning doing some put-downs, correct her ideas or language, make fun of some ideas and laugh at loud at such silliness.

Did you see yourself in some of these behaviors? Are they your first answer when you feel like cornered by circumstances too difficult to accept? And now, are you a bit scared of the price you will pay for this conflict creating behavior?

Well, it’s not so difficult to change and learn to have more positive confrontations. Begin by using phrases like these ones when asking:

“Can you tell me more about what worries you? I’m here to listen;”
” and you were hurt by my behavior? how so?”
” I understand that you did what you did because you had good reasons, and I trust your judgement; perhaps I’m missing information?”
“We need to talk about this issue, and I find myself resisting, but be patient and bring me back when I wander?”
“When you tell me your reactions as now, I feel a bit scared of the consequences, but allow me to walk around a bit…”

More information about how you can learn to have conversations with your partner without aggression? Have a look at Fair Fighting

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Technorati Tags: aggression, backstabbing, confrontation, critiques, feelings, fight, Healthy Marriage, humiliation, negative emotions, put down, reconciliation

If you still are debating inside your head the old question: “Does he really love me?” then it is better first to take out the trash. Trash is any hidden emotional abuse you might be suffering.

If there is any sustained, continuous emotional abuse, you can be pretty sure that the genuine love connection is missing. WHY? Because emotional abuse and love are opposites: if one is present, the other is gone.

How can you know if you are an abused partner? Stop negating your feelings: the role of a healthy relationship in our lives is to make us feel supported, valued and appreciated. If this is not happening and you get too many critiques, put downs, and negative comments, and no appreciation, you don’t need to look further. Even when you are going to be served any of the followings common comments: “it’s the way I am, doesn’t mean anything,”; “I grew up in an environment where everybody was allowed to put down everybody else,”  “my jokes don’t matter, I love you so much,” this is not laughing matter!

The only gauge of the reality of the snide attacks on your self-esteem is how you feel. Do you feel empowered and happy? More secure? More respected?

Anything else is wrong: you have the right not to feel humiliated, ridiculed or diminished by his comments. This person is the person you have selected to share your life and so enjoy the process of your growth and development: anything less diminishes your joy and takes away your self respect.

There is a need to recover our birth right, the right to do our own choices. We are all given equal opportunity to choose what is right and best for us, or to choose what is wrong and not in our best interest but we want anyway.

Even in an abusive situation, you still have the right to choose how you want to feel. If you choose not to respect yourself, then it will be easier to take abuse from your partner, because you set the example by not respecting your own needs. We all need respect and appreciation, and if you feel not worthy of it, then you will not demand to be treated with respect.

This is the first step: ask yourself how do you want to feel when you are by yourself? How do you want to feel when you are in a relationship?

Look at those answers: how much appreciation and love do you need?

Give this appreciation to yourself: know what you are worth, and rejoice on the positive aspects you have created and developed in your life…Give yourself a symbolic pat on your back! This is the way you need to feel!

This is the second step: What can you do if now you are in an abusive relationship, but you want more respect to your needs? Ask for it:

If you have identified them, you begin by asserting your needs in a calm way:

“Every time you criticize me in front of your family or friends, it makes me feel rejected. As I don’t like to feel in this way, I’m asking you to stop this behavior, or I will have to leave the room”

If you are dealing with a person that is slightly abusive and doesn’t realize how painful the impact of his behavior is, asserting your needs will be probably enough to get a change. If this person doesn’t listen to your needs as expressed in such a respectful way, then that is your own reality.

Now, you have another decision to do: do you want to stay with a person who doesn’t give you the love and support you deserve? Even when this place of acknowledging your abuse is painful, is better to be grounded in reality and stop denial, so you can plan for the future.

And, if you need to stay regardless the verbal abuse, could you begin planning how to develop other alternative healthy relationships to nurture your needs?  Your happier future is a result of today’s choices!

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to http://www.creativeconflicts.com.

Technorati Tags: disrespect, Emotional Abuse, negative critique, put down, rejection