Why are we attracted to other people? It’s a question for the ages, isn’t it? Usually, at the heart of the matter, we feel that our attraction to others is just something we can’t explain and can’t control. But something we’ve been talking about here should ring a bell with you now: what if your brain is making choices about who you’re attracted to, based on criteria you’re not aware of?

Brain scan studies have shown that early romantic love generates a unique pattern of brain activity. Regions of the brain related to addiction and even mental illness light up on the scan when a person sees a photo of his or her beloved. This happens regardless of the culture the person is from, telling us that attraction depends mostly on this search that the inner brain is doing for its “love object.”

The brain’s reaction to a new acquaintance carrying the promise of romantic love happens even before our rational, conscious cognition kicks in. The brain is definitely subconsciously looking for, and responding to, something in this other person. But what is it?

We are in the early stages of knowing how the brain works. Ours is only a guess, but perhaps what the brain is looking for is to re-establish a bridge to a person, a person with characteristics similar to the one who caused and primed us for relationships: the caretaker figure. What the qualities this caretaker had (secure, ambivalent, avoidant), this was the way of brain defined “love.” Then and there, that became the model we had for connection. The brain said to itself, this caretaker helps us survive, so their definition of “love” must be the right one.

You can see where this can become a problem. If you had an avoidant caretaker, your brain is hardwired to search for other avoidant people to love you. You may suddenly realize at 40 that you want a secure attachment, and if you look back, you’ll see that you already had good, secure people in your past. They were there, they approached you, and you rejected them because they were boring! They lacked the drama of your own avoidant attachment, which taught you that anger, abandonment and emotional isolation were “the way connections are supposed to be.”

Here, the meaning of the word “detox” comes to the fore. If you realize that you have become an “addict” to people who are insecure, anxious and always running away from commitment, simply because this was your first relationship blueprint, how do you detox your brain from this?

How can you teach your brain to light up when it finds a secure person, who can respect and accept you warts and all? This is the core of “being in relationships as existential learning theory”: how can a secure relationship teach your brain to love? How can you re-train your brain to stop going after toxins, and start seeking nourishment, essentially choosing how your brain is going to see the world?

This is what we are here for; this is what we help people do. Don’t hesitate to begin healing with us today, if your situation is like the one above. Your entire person deserves fulfillment that is nourishing and conducive to your growth; not toxins supplied by destructive persons. Call us today at Conflict Coach to speak about how you can shift your perspectives and train your brain for love.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation at Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

 

Technorati Tags: accept love, attachment, attachment style, brain, detox, healthy love, Healthy Marriage, healthy relationships, passive aggressive, passive aggressive relationships, Relationships, toxic marriage, toxic relationships

All humans are social creatures at their core – even if those hermit-like people among us don’t realize it. As social creatures, we are hardwired to show our emotional states to others in every facial expression, tone of voice, gestures, and how fast or slow those are shared. The language of our bodies and expressions can change the way we feel about or react to another person.

Within relationships, it often happens that two people who know each other very well come to naturally recognize and understand each other’s body language. However, even then, we’re not always aware of the signals we ourselves are giving off to others. It’s important that even the happiest couples learn to reflect on both their signals and their partner’s, in order to reach better understanding and needs fulfillment.

Some experts have explored an idea they call “feeling felt.” This is when you have the sense that your partner feels your feelings (attunement) and is able to respond in the appropriate way. “Feeling felt” is something that we all instinctively need, emotionally. And we need it at every stage of life.

Relationships where each person has this need satisfied are usually relationships where positive emotions run high and negative emotions are rare.

If you’ve been following along with us for a while, you’ve probably read this and already guessed that “feeling felt” is pretty much dependent on having a secure attachment to one another, right? It’s true that someone with a passive aggressive or avoidant partner isn’t going to “feel felt” very often.

What is interesting about feeling your partner’s feelings is that it’s often non-verbal. In classic empathy between those who don’t know each other well, you can understand where people are coming from or feel sad when they do, but they have to verbally say, “I’m feeling this” first. When a couple is properly attuned with each other, strong positive (or strong negative) emotions can be sensed in a way that isn’t expressed in words. Rather, it’s expressed in body language, expressions, gestures, and tone of voice.

Want to get to know your partner well enough that you can both know what it’s like to “feel felt”? Perhaps you want this, but you’re not sure your partner understands the importance of it? We can help! Please visit us at Conflict Coach to learn more about what you can do to find attunement and secure attachment in your relationships. Our coaches are standing by!

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having your Conflict Coach session, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

 

Technorati Tags: attachment styles, attunement, commitment, communication, emotions, empathy, feeling felt, feelings, Marriage and Comunications, marriage crisis, passive aggression, passive aggressive, Relationships

In data from the Minnesota Longitudinal Study of Risk and Adaptation (MLSRA) study, conducted over a 30-year period from birth to adulthood, investigators learned a great deal about relationships and how they evolve. In fact, a lot of what they learned are things we’ve been talking about here on the blog lately!

For example, researchers found out that having a secure, supportive mother in toddlerhood often leads to an individual being a “strong link” in adult relationships (e.g., the person with a large emotional stake in the couple). In effect, individuals mirror the kind of role they saw their caretaker in, and end up developing a secure attachment style.

The opposite is also true. An individual who did not have a secure mother in childhood (avoidant) grew to be the “weak link” in their adult relationships. That is to say, they become avoidant themselves, always keeping one foot out the door just in case!

Why is it important to have a secure attachment?  those who secure attachment to their caretakers were better able to handle conflict in their adolescent years (formative years where some big decisions can happen), and can go on managing relationships better when grown up.

Now, we’ve discussed before what happens when a secure adult marries/has a relationship with an avoidant adult. This is often the recipe for conflict, hurt feelings, defensive behavior, and passive aggressive relationships. The MLSRA, predictably, backs this idea up. But it also has something to add to that: if your attachments don’t match up, you’ll have more friction.

So, even if two avoidant people get together (what we would think of as a bad thing), their expectations and commitment are equally low, so there’s less conflict between what one person wants and what the other does. It’s an interesting addition to the passive aggression debate: could two passive aggressive people actually make a long-term marriage work? Perhaps, if one or the other was often traveling or working!

In the end, whatever the combination of attachment styles, it was found that couples with mismatched commitments/styles were the most hostile toward one another.

This and other new studies about attachment and behavior tell us a lot about how we learn to love and support one another. Even from the beginning of our lives, our brains are “taking notes” on various topics: what happens if I approach someone with a problem different from mine? Where can I go for support? Is trust a good thing?

Are you currently going through a marriage crisis of your own? Are you wondering whether it’s safe to trust others, whether you’re able to commit or love anyone else? If so, please don’t hesitate to contact us for help and emotional support. We are always here to listen and offer our expert advice. You can receive relationship and attachment style coaching at Conflict Coach today.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation (by clicking here), with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

 

Technorati Tags: attachment, attachment styles, commitment, communication, marriage, marriage crisis, passive aggression, passive aggressive, Relationships, studies and research, trust

By MARIE HARTWELL-WALKER, ED.D.

For some people, this is a truly radical idea: There is no need to fight with your partner. Ever. Accusations, recriminations, character assassination, threats, name-calling, and cursing, whether delivered at top volume or with a quiet sarcastic sneer, damage a relationship, often irrevocably. Nobody needs to be a monster or to be treated monstrously. Nobody who yells will ever be heard. In the heat of a moment, it is always a choice whether to go for a run or run your partner down.

On the other hand, no two people in the world, no matter how made for each other they feel, will ever agree about everything at all times. (It would be quite boring if they did.) Couples do need to be able to negotiate differences. They do need to have room for constructive criticism. They do need a way to assert opinions and to disagree. And they do need to have a way to express intense feelings (that the other person may not understand or support) without feeling that they will be judged as lacking for doing so. READ MORE HERE:

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2008/10-rules-for-friendly-fighting-for-couples/

Technorati Tags: anger, appreciation, conflict, conflict resolution, confrontation, control, critique, fight, forgiveness, humiliation, passive aggressive, reconciliation

What are they? Here is the list of all communication activities that enforce the idea that one spouse is better than the other:

• interruption of spouse’s explanation or story;
• correcting all the time: “no, it’s not x, it’s z”;
• talking down (voice intonation);
• reacting as if something done by the other is grave; irreparable, and has no redemption (when it is a normal behavior, not a crime);
• saying “yes” to requests and then ignoring them, (no apologies or mention of the promised action);
• carving personal spaces from mutual ones, without negotiation;
• making decisions unilaterally;
• offering advice relentlessly and without being requested;
• saying “I would done completely opposite of you…”;
• being amazed at “wow, we are sooo different!” instead of focusing on similarities;
• invading personal spaces of the other person without even recognizing doing that;
• focusing on negative aspects of the partner, being blind to the positives;
• making silly jokes with your friends, where the spouse is the joke target;
• being blind to feelings of isolation, sadness and grief in spouse;
• offering fake comfort: “this also will pass” instead of a real hug

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to http://conflictcoach.me.

Technorati Tags: appreciation, conflict resolution, control, critique, frustration, negative emotions, passive aggressive, reconciliation, rejection, resentment

“Can a Passive Aggressive Marriage Be Healed?

and can be found here:

Can a Passive Aggressive Marriage be Healed

Enjoy, and post your challenging comments!

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Technorati Tags: appreciation, Emotional Abuse, passive aggression, passive aggressive, passive aggressive husband, Relationships, verbal abuse

A new study by Florida State University researchers has found that people who were verbally abused as children grow up to be self-critical adults prone to depression and anxiety. Of the whole sample population, an staggering 30% reported that they were often verbally abused by their parents. What kind of abuse? Insults, negative comments, swearing, and threats of physical abuse, all determining an unhealthy doses of self-criticism in the children.

What happened with the people who were abused as children? We know already that it has negative effects on the personality of grown up people. Professor Natalie Sachs-Ericsson, the study’s lead author, says that the results are on the area of depression and anxiety: “People who were verbally abused had 1.6 times as many symptoms of depression and anxiety as those who had not been verbally abused and were twice as likely to have suffered a mood or anxiety disorder over their lifetime.”

Now we know for sure: parental verbal abuse is toxic, and it not only affects the emotional stability of children, but follows them as a shadow in their adult years. We are forever paying the consequences of abusive parenting. Negative self-criticism generated by parents’ comments continues into adulthood and has been shown to make an individual more prone to depression and anxiety.

Why is this? Aren’t parents the ones supposed to take care, love and protect their children? We have been silent for a long time about noxious parenting happening almost in every household.

Either it is that parents have been themselves traumatized by abuse when children or that they got to believe that stern discipline and fault finding is the best way of raising their children, this has to stop. We need more public advocacy about negative parenting, more role models for positive, self-esteem building child-raising styles and in general a deep transformation in the way we treat children.

It’s no surprise now that adult children of abuse sometimes decide that they need to separate from their parents, when the parents continue the abusive and denigrating commenting about their adult children’s lives they did in the past.

We need more public comments on how abuse from the past re-appears in the present and keeps doing psychological damage. We need to say clearly that we are only going to interact with healthy people who would not use destructive comments to hurt other people’s self-esteem. Perhaps now we can go around even feeing appreciated and loved, for a change?

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Technorati Tags: aggression, appreciation, domestic violence, Emotional Abuse, feelings, humiliation, isolation, passive aggressive, reconciliation, resilience, verbal abuse

Passive aggressive behavior does not happen in a vacuum; it requires an adequate partner to play the game with. This interaction is created between two people-one person who resists proximity and responsibility and the other one who accepts too much frustration to feel a minimum of “love,” “acceptance,” or “company.” Do you want to know more?

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Technorati Tags: frustration, Healthy Marriage, hidden anger, Passive Aggresive Behavior, passive aggressive

The ones that bother most are not the openly competitive people, because you know what they want, and there are no surprises in them getting ahead to snag the best projects, and commissions. What you don’t prepare for is the slow sabotage of certain people who feign cooperation and dedication, only to produce consistent failures.

If you were expecting someone to do a shared project, and your own evaluation is supposed to be in the whole project, but one part is not forthcoming, then what do you do? There were lots of promises, guarantees and strong words, but no results. And you don’t know if to believe this person, or to accept that the project is doomed and you are responsible very soon to report a failure.

Here is when the rubber meets the road: you are realizing that his delay is intentional and focused on making you fail! Difficult to believe, but no other plausible explanations are around, so you need to accept you’ve been blindsided by this person.

What do you do: have a strong discussion or say nothing? Knowing that a passive aggressive person won’t fight back, they can clam up, give you the cold shoulder, tell you what you want to hear, or burst into tears and run away.

If you show your anger, the PA will be less cooperative, stop communicating and confirm that you are his enemy, so becoming more hostile and resentful, even to the point of planning his revenge. Then, how do you manage this potentially explosive situation?

For some reason we have been conditioned to avoid any kind of open confrontation, even the healthy ones, and to try to keep up with a forced situation that doesn’t deserve to be called “peace,” but an angry truce.

Let’s go back to the basic situation, where you are a team leader, or a manager, and you have someone in your team behaving in this way. Of course, you know that this person is immature, that his PA behavior is a defense mechanism, and all that. Anyhow, this person is not responding to you!

Now, it becomes really personal…and you shift from an outsider’s view to a very interested insider, because the action is against you or your work objectives…You suddenly realize that the passive aggressive person’s goal is an attempt to control his environment, meaning by that you and your responses. He is controlling at least the time of delivery of this shared project!

What can you do? If you have identified already the presence of this kind of behavior, you know that you have always to design an alternative plan “B” which can provide you with the extra help needed to deliver the project done in time and quality.

If not, then the choice is to continue expecting from him the delivery of his task, or replacing him. In both ways, the “solution” will leave a bad taste in the relationship. The first lesson, “never trust your own evaluation to the hands of other person who cold be passive aggressive,” is learnt. In brief, control your expectations, parcel out important tasks so there are several responsible people involved, and re-check frequently to see how much delay the PA can generate before you stop him.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Technorati Tags: backstabbing, confrontation, control, hidden anger, passive aggressive, resentment, Sabotage, workplace anxiety

Technorati Tags: anger, honesty, inaction, injustice, insincerity, jealousy, passive aggressive, resentment