This Valentine season, you will have (or give) diamonds, nice red roses, a fancy evening and bittersweet chocolate. With the exception of the diamonds, all the rest can be forgotten in a week. Which is the most important gift that you want for your relationship? Is the one you really need conjugal peace and harmony? After all, both peace and chocolate will help you stay healthy and happy – but which one helps you avoid the constant fighting that can lead to divorce?

Why do couples fight? Marital squabbles can be over lots of things:

• Control struggles (who’s in charge) and how decisions are made

• Degree of reciprocal control or independence

• Treatment of in-laws and significant relatives

• Sex: how, when, why, by whom, varieties

• Money: earning, managing, saving and spending

With the objective of controlling, humiliating or winning over the other, all kinds of negative things are said, things that are difficult to take back. The results are very sad; repetition of the fight, which is inevitable when it is not resolved, will sour the relationship. Fair fighting is designed to deal with issues that bring conflict without destroying the relationship.

We need to remind you that “love” as it is known in songs and popular conversations, has no meaning if it not carried along a certain set of behaviors. Those love behaviors have to be learned, and applied. Once you accept this, you will find that your life is infinitely more satisfying and rich, because people will recognize immediately that you know how to treat them well!

Want to know how to spark some passion in your relationship? See our case study at Relationship Repair.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation at Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

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Technorati Tags: fair fighting, health marriage, love, marriage, passion, relationship repair, Relationships, Valentine's Day

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Technorati Tags: appreciation, emotions, Healthy Marriage, healthy relationships, love, romance, Valentine's Day

We wanted to challenge the “End of the Year Blues”, as we realized how many issues are still without resolution when it comes to important relationships…

With this in mind, we are proud to announce that December will be

“National Relationships Repair Month“

This FREE program spans over 4 whole weeks for a good discussion and healing of the issues that form the base of our relationships, so hidden we usually do not take the time to reflect on them…

We provide here good reading materials for you to learn from, questions and answers and finally, a good plan to restore your relationships. We count with your participation!

Get a good look at this new offer, and hop on board! Here is the link, and remember that we are waiting for you!

http://nationalrelationshipsmonth.com

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation at Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

 

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Technorati Tags: attitude change, communication, conflict resolution, confrontation, emotions, feelings, forgiveness, frustration, happiness, Healthy Marriage, healthy relationships, love, marriage, recognition, reconciliation, Relationships, resilience, respect

But a great relationship relies on all of those things, comfortably shared. So how can you learn to improve your willingness to communicate with each other, if it doesn’t come naturally to one or both of you?

Firstly, it is important that you stay honest with yourself about what you need in a relationship, and from life in general. Remember, relationships satisfy us emotionally because we provide each other with things we need: love, respect, support, commitment. When we provide each other with what we each need, we grow at the same pace because we are each at a positive level. Beyond that, there are also other needs each of you have that have to be brought out in the relationship: commitment to careers, life goals, dreams, favorite activities, etc. For example, if one partner isn’t aware that something is important to the other, imagine their surprise when suddenly, a date is postponed for a meeting with a beloved mentor!

Your needs tie into what you expect from a relationship, and what you won’t condone. If you know ahead of time that you are not comfortable with this or that (for example, if you think hard and admit that you have a tendency to be jealous and expect attention) then you can communicate that to your partner early on.

When we talk about communicating our boundaries with each other, there are some basic ideas at play: how much of your life you want to share, how much of your resources you want to become “shared” (money, for example), and how much emotion you’re willing to invest in order to make your partner happy.

Kind of like balancing your budget, you need to decide how much you’re willing to “spend” in the relationship. Now, you don’t have to be exacting and superficial on this, but you should have an idea of how much of yourself and your time you’re willing to share. Not only does this tell you something about yourself and your emotional needs regarding intimacy, it tells you how willing you are to commit to your partner in the long run. If you feel you are “investing” more than you are comfortable with just so the other person is happy, you will short-change yourself in the long run. Your relationship needs to go at a pace that seems a good fit for both of you.

When sharing your boundaries and intimacy “budget” with your partner, remember that no one can read your mind. You have to be clear, and if you really feel something is important to you, state it. Don’t hesitate to share your true feelings, although of course you want to do it with compassion and respect (as you would want done to you, if you overstep or make someone else feel uncomfortable or threatened). If you feel that something is especially hurtful toward you, say so the first time you feel wronged. State how it makes you feel and that you won’t allow it.

Lastly, of course, is to remember that your partner is doing this mental analysis of himself, as well! He’d better know his boundaries, just like you. You can encourage your partner to share their needs and desires with you, but you’ll only be convincing if you offer some honesty in return. When the two of you feel you can be honest with each other, you can quickly get to the heart of matters and conflicts. You can feel free to say, “Yes, here, this makes me uncomfortable,” or “Here, we disagree because we each come from these two opinions about gender roles.” Once the two of you are in that space of near-objectivity, you can begin to look not only around, inside, and through issues, but beyond them. You can see all the opportunities for common growth!

Many couples struggle with how to set boundaries properly and respectfully. If you find yourself in a relationship where boundaries are being crossed (and you don’t know how to express your true feelings) or a new relationship where you’re not sure how much of yourself to give, don’t hesitate to call on one of our coaches for support. We are always here for you and your relationship needs! Visit Conflict Coach today for your private, confidential consultation.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today. We can begin by you receiving from Conflict Coach a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

 

Technorati Tags: boundaries, comfort zone, commitment, conflict, conflict resolution, honesty, insecurity, intimacy, limits, love, openness, Relationships, Self-Esteem, sharing, trust

This learned process allows the child to know where the parent is, and how to get close to the parent. With that knowledge, the child can successfully go to the parent during times of distress, discomfort or hunger. Attachment strengthens the relationship the child associates with the parent: a relationship of security and safety, a base from which to build later independence.

It all seems pretty uniform, right? Not after we look at how delicate this sense of security and safety is. During the first few months to the first year of a child’s life, the strength of those secure feelings relies almost solely on how the parent (attachment figure) acts. The parent has to repeat again and again those experience that make the child feel safe – feeding, rocking, playing, etc. It’s like building up muscle – you have to work out the same spot over and over to build strength!

When the parent reinforces this attachment bond, this strength of security, the child can grow up with a better feeling of well-being. This enables them to explore their world with confidence, as well as being self-assured when making new connections with people they don’t know. When a parent doesn’t reinforce this bond, the opposite happens; a child lacks an internal sense of well-being and self-esteem, which leads to lost opportunities in life as well as strained relationships fraught with mistrust.

This latter style of attachment between parent and child is called avoidant, in which both parties avoid closeness and emotional attachment at all costs. The sad part is that parents who are avoidant are often children of avoidant parents themselves – the cycle just continues, with parents, children and grandchildren all behaving in way that they themselves don’t understand the severity of.

Anxious (also called disorganized or ambivalent) attachment is a mix between the two other styles, where the parent behaves in a disorganized way that leads the child to associate intense emotions with fright and disorganization. They grow up suspecting others of foul play or double-intentions, imagining or even creating unreliability in relationships.

We can use our primary attachment, learned in infancy, to analyze how we approach social relationships. Those attachments we make with parents repeat with friends, teachers and later romantic partners, until we are in a cyclic routine that seems to have no source (or end). It just becomes our “way of being.”

Sometimes, we will have clients come to us who feel that the world is basically emotionally barren (avoidant), where finding any measure of love or trust is impossible. Other times, we have clients who feel that the world is chaotic, full of unreliable emotions and two-faced people surround them… (ambivalent).

We truly feel that although the world is what you can make of it, according to this primal attachment model that you received long time ago,  it doesn’t have to be exactly what your parents and past life made you experience. One of the first ways to re-examine your outlook on life (if you need a boost in your career or love life, for example) is to re-examine your attachment style. What is important to see is that our old attachment models determine the amount of trust and intimacy we can get today with our present partners. If those models have so much power, then surely, changing those models out for better ones has huge potential for your personal and marital growth! And we have even the support of neuroplasticity, the brain’s own ability to grow and change,  to be assured that we can change old attachment patterns by rewiring our brain.

Are you concerned about the lack of trust and intimacy in your relationship? Are you afraid this situation will be permanent “for the rest of your life”?  Do you feel you don’t have the confidence and self-esteem needed to make that next big step or decision in your own life? Conflict Coach can help you identify and re-examine your own personal attachment style, in order to re-invent the attachment models your decision-making brain relies on.

Visit Conflict Coach today for a complimentary coaching session!

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today. 

We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation, followed with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

Technorati Tags: appreciation, attitude change, confrontation, critique, emotions, loneliness, love, resentment, respect, trust

We are now watching this information about a whole society filled with Wounded Children (the name we use here in this blog to name adults carrying around their own, repressed ACEs) doing the best they can to survive the wounds of their childhood, that are produced in and by people in their most significant relationships.

The same place where our birth places us is the home that will give us any one of the adverse experiences listed below,  and in this way will put limits to our future possibility for happiness…

It is highly possible that our parents, by allowing any ACE to happen, are only reproducing the painful conditions of their own childhood; but the reality of us transmitting such pain to the new generations is very difficult to accept.

The ACE Study is an ongoing collaboration between the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and Kaiser Permanente. It is perhaps  the largest scientific research study of its kind, showing a direct, causal relationship between nine categories of adverse childhood experience:

• physical abuse;
• emotional abuse;
• sexual abuse;
• an alcohol and/or drug abuser in the household;
• an incarcerated household member;
• living with someone who is chronically depressed, mentally ill, institutionalized, or suicidal;
• witnessing domestic violence against the mother;
• parental discord indicated by divorce, separation, abandonment;
• emotional or physical neglect

The presence of each one of the Adverse Childhood Experiences determines at least 18 physical, mental and behavioral health outcomes. If you are brave enough, can you identify how many of those experiences were there, in your home when you were growing up?

The more ACEs people have had in their formative years, the higher the rate of mental, physical, behavioral disease and disability in the population, including higher rates of chronic disease, low educational achievement and increased violence.

In the words of the Adverse Childhood Experiences Study authors:

“The ACE Study reveals a powerful relationship between our emotional experiences as children and our physical and mental health as adults, as well as the major causes of adult mortality in the United States.

It documents the conversion of traumatic emotional experiences in childhood into organic disease later in life. How does this happen, this reverse alchemy, turning the gold of a newborn infant into the lead of a depressed, diseased adult?

The Study makes it clear that time does not heal some of the adverse experiences we found so common in the childhoods of a large population of middle-aged, middle class Americans. One does not ‘just get over’ some things, not even fifty years later.”

Whatever we can plan or imagine that would improve relationships in the home, is adding to the possibility that any newborn could have the whole deck of healthy possibilities allowed for his/her future.

http://www.heraldnet.com/article/20110514/OPINION03/705149995

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation (by clicking here), with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

Technorati Tags: aggression, anger, conflict, domestic violence, Emotional Abuse, frustration, healthy relationships, humiliation, isolation, loneliness, love, negative emotions, Relationships, respect, Self-Esteem

• Are you accessible when I try to reach out to you?
• Will you be responsive to my needs?
• Are you committed to this relationship?

In other words, beneath the content of words spoken in fights, partners are looking for answers to questions of:

• Are you there for me?
• Are you emotionally present?
• Do you see, value and love me?

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more!

Technorati Tags: appreciation, attitude change, conflict resolution, confrontation, control, critique, Emotional Abuse, forgiveness, happiness, Healthy Marriage, hidden anger, love, recognition

For example – do you and your partner constantly fight? Are there certain behaviors that, whenever your partner does them, you feel attacked, disrespected, and mistreated? Does your partner fire right back, saying, “Well, when you do this, I feel the same way”?

Often, our first instinct is to say: “I’ll change when you do.” However, studies show that the is the LAST way you’ll get the change you want to see. Rather, the best way to see change happen is to act and think the way you want to be treated. If you brain learns, “Okay, this is how I should react here,” you both will be better communicators and lovers.

What we now know about the brain tells us that we need to practice the behaviors we want to have. It is not wishing, but doing, that delivers results. When you invite your brain to develop positive thinking patterns, it causes internal changes that will deliver more trust and positive emotions in the future. The neurons wire together, and they create a new, stronger electrochemical pathway, dropping the negative behaviors you don’t want.

For instance, if you want to change the way you appreciate or recognize your spouse –  knowing that you need to do 5 appreciative comments to delete a harsh, critical one – how would you do it?

We know that successful (happy!) partners still have conflicts like everybody else. However, they do something different from distressed partners, who continue feeling upset, aggravated or hurt by their spouses.

In the free-of-conflict times, positive couples regularly interact in supportive ways. For example, they show interest in the other person (no cold shoulders), offer appreciative comments on any aspect of the other person’s behavior, express their happiness for being in this relationship, plan fun outings together, show, express and receive affection, flirt, and so on. They are priming their brains to be happy so that, when conflict comes along, their thoughts and actions are geared toward respect and happiness.

Why does this work? Does it seem too simple? Think of it this way: acting positively when conflict isn’t happening acts like an emotional bank account. Positive couples draw on this bank account in times of conflict. No more and no less than this simple “brain priming” is necessary to be able to face differences! By being an example for how you want to be treated, and creating an environment of respect, the positive couple can look at conflict with a constructive perspective, ready to learn from it and not using it to destroy the other.

Does it look like a completely simple, fool-proof, basic receipt for enduring happiness? Guess what: it is!

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation (by clicking here), with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

Technorati Tags: angry husband, appreciation, attitude change, backstabbing, Cold Shoulder, conflict, conflict resolution, feelings, love, negative emotions, respect, Silence

In other words, that our partner doesn’t show enough appreciation. Yet those who complaint about this are perpetrators as well! There is a certain degree of the “mirror-effect” in relationships… if you complain about your partner, chances are that you will be criticized in return and things will start to get sour. But if you praise and recognize your partner’s virtues, you will be flattered in return and things will remain in good terms.

It is true that it is easier to focus on the negative and not mention the positive. After all, we have been trained to pick out mistakes since childhood (remember those exercises where you had to choose which item did “not belong” to the group?), and most professions require us to constantly use our critical skills to find faults and blunders that could, say, bring a project or a budget to pieces.

But this education and professional upbringing is detrimental to our relationships because when it comes to people and relationships it should be the other way around: we choose each other because we all want and need someone else who can be for us “warts and all;” who can accept and appreciate all of our aspects; an attitude that is  generally called love. But when the person that is supposed to accept us as we are tries to begin the project of improving his or her partner by pointing out whatever faults he or she has, then that person feels unaccepted evaluated in a negative manner; in other words, unloved.

Remember that whatever you focus on, tends to take center stage: if you focus on a negative trait of your partner, like her tendency to be late for appointments and dates, then this trait will become prevalent and negate the perception of other positive traits that attracted you to her before. So let’s begin:

• Every time you need to talk about some changes needed, begin recollecting the good things done;
• Try to find a positive thing to comment on daily;
• Don’t you dare to mention negative aspects without talking about how good the positive ones are, first.
• If the results are awful, praise the good intention;
• Be very creative and find unexpected aspects to praise: a busy person that accomplishes everything could be praised for her constant smile, or her good disposition even along the busiest day;
• Don’t be mean, don’t link praise with immediate critique: “you did well, but forgot this part.” In this case, the “but” will cancel the praise. The two propositions don’t need to be linked.

To keep your marriage healthy and happy through the years, remember that you need to produce 5 positive appreciations for each critical comment offered to your partner. A higher rate of appreciation has been proven to guarantee long-lasting marriages!

Apply these techniques for a while and you will see a change in the quality of your relationships, having more trust, and pleasure in the mutual company.

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing Conflict Coach opportunities, along with blog updates, news, and more!

Technorati Tags: appreciation, critique, feelings, fight, Healthy Marriage, healthy relationships, isolation, love, recognition, respect, Self-Esteem

Any relationship is an implicit contract in which both individuals promise to help each other get satisfaction to some of the needs we all have. We need to help people find new ways to meet their personal needs in ways that will serve them and others in the long term.

From that neutral point of view, is that we offer this definition:

Given that people don’t know how to identify their own human needs and how to negotiate with others needs’ satisfaction, thus they need to fight with each other. Conflict is a learning experience, because:

• Is a way of interaction with each other by which we attempt to clarify our own needs;
• We explore the relationship limits, especially those related to how much it provides both parties with needs satisfaction.

Conflict creation involves either creating or responding to challenges, and so it is the main tool to get variety in our lives. What kind of variety? Here is the important distinction: it has to be from the kind of variety that makes us grow… in the right direction.

A conflict that challenges our need for love and connection has the risk of making us feel rejected and lonely. Perhaps the challenge is to learn how to process social isolation while reinforcing self-esteem? No one but the person undergoing this challenge can know.

What we do know is that we all need to navigate times when things don’t go as we planned them to be, when expectations are foiled and frustration of basic needs is the main threat. It is here that we need positive conflict strategies!

Positive conflict defines a process involving self-discovery, needs discovery, and reciprocal trade-offs, so both parties are satisfied with what they obtain beyond learning how to manage a good, respectful process.

Negative conflict is confrontation between people who don’t know how to express what they need. nor how to negotiate satisfiers for their needs. The end result is not learning but only venting caused by needs and frustration.

Moreover, it is called negative conflict because it has to recur as many times as necessary for both sides to learn what the other side’s needs are, and to begin offering something to the other to fulfill these needs!

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing Conflict Coach sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more!

Technorati Tags: appreciation, conflict resolution, confrontation, control, feelings, fight, frustration, growth, human needs, isolation, loneliness, love, recognition, Relationships, respect, Self-Esteem