It’s the shock a woman feels the first time he screams, calls her a name or insults her. He is angry, shouting and facing her down with his entire wrath. Let’s remember this shock; the first sign that the promise of marriage (“to be together to love and respect each other”) was not taken seriously, but were only words.

As a spouse, you have to feel shocked, hurt and totally blindsided by his attack. There is no way we can cover up and deny the total effect of this aggression on us. It is sudden, unexpected, and leaves us with a sour taste afterwards… how do we make sense of this aggression in the midst of a marriage we believe “reasonably happy”?

How to recover the lost sense of security from being with him, when you don’t know if this terrible anger episode will repeat itself?
What if he is harboring a LOT of anger against you, and he is unable to process and release it? You don’t want to consider this possibility!

Almost by mandate, we immediately try to forget the incident or make excuses for his behavior to cover it up.

Why would a spouse cover up this abusive behavior?

It is too big a signal that there are huge hidden personality issues not recognized, but working underneath. Either because there is fear of the unknown aspects, or inability to discuss them; we choose denial and cover up by saying: “he was stressed out, too tired, under a lot of pressure, etc.”

This is the first mistake of an emotionally abusive relationship: not taking this violation of interpersonal limits seriously. Without that, taking care of healing the verbal and emotional abuse impact is not taken seriously, either.

By staying passive and not drawing a line, you are sending him the message that says it is ‘OK’ to treat you this way. You tell him that he has not crossed your boundaries in a way that is not acceptable, and give him permission to do it again. And he will… The more deep interpretation of this interaction can be this:

- He is yelling at you;
- You accept, understand him and forgive him;
- He is testing your limits, seeing how far he can go dominating you with his anger or cold anger explosions;
- You show that there are no protective limits around your self; you show yourself to be weak and not self-protective.
-He feels it as a one-upmanship game: how far can he go putting you down up until you react?

Let’s see how far down can she go? And he ups the ante with the violence. You think you are showing him love by staying put; he sees only one thing, you are just as weak and pathetic as he thought you were.

The truth is that his behavior shows that he has an internal problem of self-control and respect for others and you can’t fix it by staying. There is no amount of “love” you can give him that will solve this challenge; he needs to work at self-control and respect everybody, not only you.

In your marriage, it ‘never’ gets better and it ‘will’ get worse.You have to trust that the ‘first shock’ is the right answer, stop the denial and act on it by leaving. Either you continue or not the relationship, this is the only unequivocal message that tells him: “Abuse is NOT allowed here.”

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We talk a lot about managing your differences and learning to see them as opportunities to grow as a couple. Quite often, subjective things like “opposite personalities” are opportunities to express respect and trust, and don’t have to be what breaks the relationship apart. Helping couples in trouble see that is part of why we write this blog.

However, some ask us, are there ever certain qualities that should be avoided (rather than “improved”)?

Sure there are, and that’s always important to remember. Sometimes, recurring conflict in a relationship isn’t caused by not knowing how to handle conflict – it’s caused by toxic personality characteristics.

In an article we found called “Yes, Virginia, Some Mates Really Are Wrong,” this same issue is discussed, and some basic no-no’s are outlined. The first? A partner who refuses to handle their substance abuse:

“An addict’s primary loyalty is not to the relationship, it’s to the addiction,” explains Ken Page. “Active addicts become cheaper versions of themselves and lose integrity or the ability to do the right thing when it’s hard. Those are the very qualities in a partner you need to lean on.” Gamblers fall into the same compulsive camp, with the added twist that their pursuit of the big win typically lands them, sooner or later, into deep debt that threatens the foundations of relationship life.

A partner who repeatedly strays away from the relationship can also destroy trust and intimacy. Like abuse or other forms of control, compulsive cheating is something that you should not have to put up with as a partner. The article also notes some other negative personality characteristics that should be red flags for any relationship:

[C]hronic lying; chronic worrying or neuroticism; emotional overreactivity; proneness to anger; propensity to harbor grudges; low self-esteem; poor impulse control; tendency to aggression; self-orientation rather than an other-orientation. Situations, such as chronic exposure to nonmarital stress in either partner, also have the power to undermine relationships.

If you get to the point where you’re delivering an ultimatum,” says Bradbury, you haven’t been maintaining your relationship properly. “It’s like your car stopping on the side of the road and you say, ‘It just isn’t working anymore’— but you haven’t changed the oil in 10 years.

(See the entire article here)

How about you? Are you managing your partnership properly, or is something more serious going on that’s poisoning your relationship? You can talk to Dr. Nora today, she’s our expert conflict coach. Your first conversation with her is free!

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to suffer alone in an unhealthy relationship for one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.You can begin with our passive aggressive system created just for men, at Stop Your Passive Aggression, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

 

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Technorati Tags: aggression, appreciation, Cold Shoulder, conflict, conflict resolution, confrontation, emotions, forgiveness, Healthy Marriage, humiliation, reconciliation, resentment, verbal abuse

1) We want to maximize the expression and the experience of interest and joy in our lives and the lives of those around us.

2) We want to minimize the expression of negative feelings of all concerned. Those feelings I will specifically name as: anger, fear, distress, disgust and shame.

3) The way to achieve the goals of # 1 and # 2 is to express ALL FEELING whether they be positive or negative!

4) We do this by educating ourselves and others about the importance of feelings both negative and positive. We develop understandings between us that it is ok to express any type of feeling. We develop articulated rules for doing so.

… Always keep in mind that this can happen to and be expressed by anyone in the room. We need not feel guilty for expressing our suffering if we are not the ill partner. Expressing our suffering lets the other know that their suffering has meaning and is reflected in the other. We all end in recognizing, on a higher level, that to suffer is human and in the end we feel better.

(See the whole article here)

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to suffer alone in an unhealthy relationship for one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.You can begin with our passive aggressive system created just for men, at Stop Your Passive Aggression, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

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Technorati Tags: abuse, anger, appreciation, conflict resolution, Emotional Abuse, emotions, frustration, hidden anger, humiliation, passive aggression, peace, repressed anger

According to an article on Live Science by Jennifer Welsh, the part of your brain that deals with memory (the hippocampus) can be damaged during childhood abuse, neglect, and/or maltreatment. The damage seems to occur when exposed to high levels of stress during certain ages. With that damage comes a lower ability to “talk” to other areas of the brain, like the brain’s reward center (dopamine system). In the article, a researcher from Harvard University suggested that this may be why many victims of abuse are at greater risk for depression, drug abuse and mental illness in adulthood.

Read the entire article at Live Science.

These findings are extremely important for telling how the brain reacts to its surroundings – if a child is especially vulnerable to stress-based damage in his/her early years, learning how to interact and deal with conflict in a healthy way can protect your children. If your child is often exposed to loud, explosive fights or is humiliated or embarrassed by punishment techniques, what could the effects be later on in life? This is not to say we’re all turning our children into drug addicts later on – but new research consistently shows us that our brains are always watching and making note of our lives.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to suffer alone in an unhealthy relationship for one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.You can begin with our passive aggressive system created just for men, at Stop Your Passive Aggression, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

 

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Technorati Tags: abuse, appreciation, Emotional Abuse, emotions, feelings, frustration, hidden anger, humiliation, isolation, respect, Silence

If you could change something about your relationship, what would it be? More respect? More trust? More commitment?

We all have times where our partners don’t give us what we want, but sometimes we also don’t get what we need - the basic foundation traits of a healthy relationship. Without our basic relationship needs being fulfilled, it’s hard to function as healthy, happy people, isn’t it?

Now a permanent part of our sibling site, National Relationships Month, the Deep Love Needs Survey offers you the opportunity to explain your deepest relationships needs to us. We’re listening to you! We read your responses every day to get an idea of what new resources we can create to help you, so that we can help you on your way to achieving relationship happiness! 

You’ll also get a free coaching session for taking the survey!

Ready to go? Visit us today at the Deep Love Needs Survey

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Technorati Tags: aggression, anger, Cold Shoulder, conflict, confrontation, critique, frustration, humiliation, isolation, loneliness, love, negative emotions, reconciliation, rejection, Relationships, resentment, verbal abuse

However, is it possible that there is also such a thing as a “good” enemy? If so, can a bad enemy be turned into a good one?

Let’s remember what a marriage is. It’s a process, an agreement. Both sides agree to develop as individuals while also connecting with each other. In this way, each grow as separate human beings, but they grow (or at least try to) at the same pace and they grow in the same relationship. However, we know this isn’t always how it works out: often, the rate of growth becomes uneven, and both partners try to manage their differences in opinion, understanding, and perception (individual growth) without challenging the union that they’re trying to uphold.

That’s where the fights and arguments come in; they come with the territory of any relationship. Not only are they caused by different patterns of growth and understanding, conflicts are also essential to that growth itself. However, some relationships quickly fall into trouble if one or neither of the partners is at the point where they can handle that conflict in the right way. You need to learn how to be a good enemy, so you can confront yourself and your partner with the truth of your own reality, emotions and needs.

Thus, we can say that passive aggression is the “bad” enemy approach to conflict and growth. Passive aggression demands a reaction to conflict that deals with denial, retreat and sabotage. Being a “good” enemy demands a reaction to conflict that learns and creates growth.

So what behaviors does a “good” enemy have? Yes, you’re right in thinking, “Whatever the opposite of passive aggression is!” But let’s be a little more specific and break it down.

Do you avoid confrontation, escape from legitimate arguments or outright reject you partner’s arguments? That’s being a bad enemy.

If you fight your battles looking only at your self-interest, forgetting that you are part of a couple, and answering fire with fire, or all you care about is your self-defense, or if you are too proud or stubborn to admit your share of the troubles, that also makes you a bad enemy.

On the other hand, a good enemy does not avoid any arguments, but listens and makes an effort to understand the conflicting situation from the other side’s perspective. If you have strength of character and abundance of patience, you will be able to listen carefully and with enough respect as to make your partner deeply understood.

If you are able to tolerate the voices, the cries or the attacks, and keep asking for the causes of the anger, then you are able to determine what your partner is crying out for, perhaps because there is a felt need for contact or because the loneliness is expressing itself…

Signs of being a good enemy to your partner:

- You always remember how important is for your partner to feel good about himself each day;

- You are able to offer an apology and thus break communication barriers;

- You praise your partner whenever contributing positive ideas;

- You recognize and accept your shortcomings and think of ways for you to becoming a better partner;

- You treat your partner with respect and dignity at all times, even when you are raging mad at him/her.

The skills of a good enemy are:

- Never escalate the anger and the screaming;

- Deal with the problems in an easy, calm and self-empowered manner;

- Focus and remember the positive aspects that enhance the relationship;

- Be able to control situations, know when to stop and to say enough;

- Be able to make solid decisions, and sacrifice your self-interest.

You must also understand that in your relationship, to have it surviving and growing you should always work through your problems and settle your differences in a cooperative way. We said before that this does require patience and practice, and if you feel that your skills in this “good” enemy arena are not up to par, we can help!

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having  a conflict coach session, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

Technorati Tags: anger, angry husband, conflict resolution, confrontation, Emotional Abuse, frustration, humiliation, resilience, Self-Esteem

We are now watching this information about a whole society filled with Wounded Children (the name we use here in this blog to name adults carrying around their own, repressed ACEs) doing the best they can to survive the wounds of their childhood, that are produced in and by people in their most significant relationships.

The same place where our birth places us is the home that will give us any one of the adverse experiences listed below,  and in this way will put limits to our future possibility for happiness…

It is highly possible that our parents, by allowing any ACE to happen, are only reproducing the painful conditions of their own childhood; but the reality of us transmitting such pain to the new generations is very difficult to accept.

The ACE Study is an ongoing collaboration between the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and Kaiser Permanente. It is perhaps  the largest scientific research study of its kind, showing a direct, causal relationship between nine categories of adverse childhood experience:

• physical abuse;
• emotional abuse;
• sexual abuse;
• an alcohol and/or drug abuser in the household;
• an incarcerated household member;
• living with someone who is chronically depressed, mentally ill, institutionalized, or suicidal;
• witnessing domestic violence against the mother;
• parental discord indicated by divorce, separation, abandonment;
• emotional or physical neglect

The presence of each one of the Adverse Childhood Experiences determines at least 18 physical, mental and behavioral health outcomes. If you are brave enough, can you identify how many of those experiences were there, in your home when you were growing up?

The more ACEs people have had in their formative years, the higher the rate of mental, physical, behavioral disease and disability in the population, including higher rates of chronic disease, low educational achievement and increased violence.

In the words of the Adverse Childhood Experiences Study authors:

“The ACE Study reveals a powerful relationship between our emotional experiences as children and our physical and mental health as adults, as well as the major causes of adult mortality in the United States.

It documents the conversion of traumatic emotional experiences in childhood into organic disease later in life. How does this happen, this reverse alchemy, turning the gold of a newborn infant into the lead of a depressed, diseased adult?

The Study makes it clear that time does not heal some of the adverse experiences we found so common in the childhoods of a large population of middle-aged, middle class Americans. One does not ‘just get over’ some things, not even fifty years later.”

Whatever we can plan or imagine that would improve relationships in the home, is adding to the possibility that any newborn could have the whole deck of healthy possibilities allowed for his/her future.

http://www.heraldnet.com/article/20110514/OPINION03/705149995

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation (by clicking here), with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

Technorati Tags: aggression, anger, conflict, domestic violence, Emotional Abuse, frustration, healthy relationships, humiliation, isolation, loneliness, love, negative emotions, Relationships, respect, Self-Esteem

By MARIE HARTWELL-WALKER, ED.D.

For some people, this is a truly radical idea: There is no need to fight with your partner. Ever. Accusations, recriminations, character assassination, threats, name-calling, and cursing, whether delivered at top volume or with a quiet sarcastic sneer, damage a relationship, often irrevocably. Nobody needs to be a monster or to be treated monstrously. Nobody who yells will ever be heard. In the heat of a moment, it is always a choice whether to go for a run or run your partner down.

On the other hand, no two people in the world, no matter how made for each other they feel, will ever agree about everything at all times. (It would be quite boring if they did.) Couples do need to be able to negotiate differences. They do need to have room for constructive criticism. They do need a way to assert opinions and to disagree. And they do need to have a way to express intense feelings (that the other person may not understand or support) without feeling that they will be judged as lacking for doing so. READ MORE HERE:

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2008/10-rules-for-friendly-fighting-for-couples/

Technorati Tags: anger, appreciation, conflict, conflict resolution, confrontation, control, critique, fight, forgiveness, humiliation, passive aggressive, reconciliation

Every day, we come into contact with people that are walking emotional bundles. They carry the weight of past experiences with them, framing their present experiences as well as whatever wrong assumptions about life they have gained from those hurts.

Their previous experiences have conditioned them, from childhood on, to see the world as a dangerous place, full of treacherous people and pregnant with risk. It’s best not to trust anybody! Because of this frame of reference, they can’t keep an open and trusting attitude about interpersonal interactions.

When you think about dealing with people like this, it is easy to see why they are called difficult people or difficult relationships. They are scared, resistant to trust others or directly rejecting cooperation out of mistrust.

Are they the walking wounded? You bet! The best way of framing this interaction is to see them as non-mature people (regardless of their age), that act as wounded children. They sulk, are easily frustrated and upset, get paranoid when given feedback and in general show a reduced ability to work with others in shared projects.

What is the next step, once you’ve realized that you’re dealing with a difficult person?

Don’t take their behavior personally. Their troublesome behavior is their own way of reacting to life, was there before you, and is directed to everybody they come into contact with.

Don’t fight back or try to beat them at their own games. They are consummate artists who have been practicing their skills for a lifetime, so don’t get into responding fire with fire. You will merely be showing them that dealing with other people is too complicated to handle.

Don’t give in to unreasonable requests. If you give them what they want just to appease them or put them in a good mood, they will request more and more later.

Don’t try to change them, you are not their parents/therapist or significant other.

Well, wait. Did we just tell you what NOT to do? Yes. Because in a situation like this, there is really only one thing you CAN do, and have a healthy outcome.

It’s this:

You can only change your responses to their behavior, not the behavior itself. In doing so, and doing it consistently and firmly, they will begin to recognize a cause and effect trend. I.e., if I push someone away in this way, the result is this. Or, if I demand this, I get that.

So, the bottom line is that you have to have a clear idea of what you stand for, tell people your position in a calm, clear way, walking away when they use intimidation, guilt or abuse to get you to do what you don’t consider appropriate for your place in the relationship and all the time avoiding getting emotionally involved.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today,by reading the ebook: Passive Aggressive Workplace.

Technorati Tags: anger, attitude change, conflict, conflict resolution, control, critique, frustration, humiliation, negative emotions, passive aggression, rejection, resentment, Resistance

Though the question is hard, maybe even confrontational, it is important to remember that everyone has points in their lives where they need to sit down and evaluate their roles, performance, and habits. Start by evaluating the relationship between yourself and your boss.

Here, we will address the signs of a difficult boss. If the signs are unfamiliar, perhaps the next step is to look for patterns in your own work ethic.

Lack of experience – many people find it hard to work under someone who got their position because of education, knowing the right people, etc. It means that they did not spend years climbing the ladder or struggling for a position. As such, a boss who does not deserve their position may ask you to do things they themselves don’t know how to do.

Unfortunately, that causes them to have twisted expectations of time. They may ask you to do a task in 30 minutes, not realizing (because they’ve never done it) that the task actually takes 3 hours.

Takes credit for your work – this is self-explanatory. If your boss or coworker takes the credit for something you did, you have an unhealthy situation. A good boss is willing to spread the credit around, because it builds confidence and trust among employees.

Blames you for mistakes – although a difficult boss will take credit, they will also lay blame, perhaps because they’ve been put on the spot and don’t want to look bad. Ideally, a boss should accept any mistakes made in the office as their responsibility – after all, they were in charge. Whatever reprimands happen later is between you and your boss, but a level of respect and confidentiality should always be maintained.

Lastly, a good boss encourages you to grow professionally. They see your success as their success. Alternatively, a difficult boss will think of their advancement first, choosing not to mentor or support employees in their own goals. Not only is it unkind toward your personal needs, it shows a lack of interest in the well-being and growth of the company.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Technorati Tags: anger, angry boss, bad boss, conflict, confrontation, control, fight, frustration, humiliation, respect, workplace anxiety