• Are you accessible when I try to reach out to you?
• Will you be responsive to my needs?
• Are you committed to this relationship?

In other words, beneath the content of words spoken in fights, partners are looking for answers to questions of:

• Are you there for me?
• Are you emotionally present?
• Do you see, value and love me?

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more!

Technorati Tags: appreciation, attitude change, conflict resolution, confrontation, control, critique, Emotional Abuse, forgiveness, happiness, Healthy Marriage, hidden anger, love, recognition

No more family anger explosions leaving a sour taste in your memory, and in other’s memories for ever? Having the peace of mind that all family gatherings will proceed smoothly and that the little ones will not have an opportunity to feel scared again?

To be a safe and predictable person for those around you at home, it is essential that you are able to maintain your composure when you feel like your ‘buttons’ are being pushed. This strength will help you to achieve your goals in your personal life as well as your goals for your personal relationships.

1. If and when you feel some negative reaction, store that emotion and don’t act out on it. Force yourself to think: “I’ll deal with this tomorrow; not today!” So you can give yourself time to examine all aspects of the “offense” and verify if they are true…and if you need to respond. Some offenses are best left unattended and ignored.

2. Pay attention to others. Whatever they are telling you, make a purpose to send the message: “I understand what you are saying” and say it frequently, before (or instead of) offering advice.

3. Watch your emotions and make a point of not feeling immediately attacked or victimized. probably the other person doesn’t mean the comment in that way? It’s better to ask questions from the other person: “Is it true that you feel upset with me”

4. Take responsibility for your feelings, and don’t blame other people. It is not what they did to you, is your reaction to what others did….so watch this difference. So many times they are not doing things to aggravate you, they can be simply confused or distracted or careless…..

5. Take a playful attitude towards your angry persona…you can give it a name as in: “When I’m in my “Angry Joe” mode, I tend to think that everybody conspires against me, but afterwards I can see that it’s only my imagination…”Angry Joe” is very active paranoid self of mine, but I can control him…”

As time passes, you will be able to be more objective about your needs, your reactions, and learn that it is always a choice to get angry at others. You can choose instead to control your reactions, calm yourself and see this “Angry Joe” part of you as an old response that now needs to be excluded when answering to present challenges.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today, by offering you this ebook about how you can recover from anger explosions.

Technorati Tags: anger, angry husband, attitude change, control, emotions, feelings, forgiveness, healthy relationships, hidden anger, resentment, respect, Self-Esteem, verbal abuse

Very easy:
Resilience is what you develop when you learn to confront all those interpersonal obstacles with good solutions.

It is very easy to use “fighting fire with fire” reactions…it’s almost automatic, and everybody does it everywhere. A different attitude, like resilience, comes from understanding our personal conflicts as a call for another kind of action.

Here we see resilience as the final product of a long learning process:

A) We accept that there will be confrontation(s) in our life,
B) We choose to manage confrontations by avoiding escalation, attacks and revenge, and controlling anger,
C) We learn to listen carefully to our “enemies’” complains,
D) We sincerely examine ourselves to see how, given the inter-connectedness we have, we helped produce the dispute;
E) We ask ourselves: How can I learn from this dispute? What is in me that needs change? What new skill do I need to learn now to re-connect with this person and be able work together or part in peace?

IN SHORT:

do we see conflict as a signal inviting us to work more in our interpersonal communication skills? Yes, indeed!

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today, get your own copy of the ebook:“The Tao of Anger: Controlling your Anger Explosions!

Technorati Tags: conflict, healthy relationships, hidden anger, negative emotions, passive aggression, rejection

If you are in a big fight, with a lot of screaming, you become an enemy in the eyes of your partner. We are programmed to react as if our beloved partner becomes our worst enemy, thanks to the neural configuration of our brains.

So, if and when you are going to be seen as an enemy, what kind of enemy do you think you are? Are you a good or bad enemy?

Do you avoid confrontation, escape from legitimate arguments or outright reject you partner’s arguments? 

If you fight your battles looking only at your self-interest, forgetting that you are part of a couple, and answering fire with fire, or all you care about is your self-defense, or if you are too proud or stubborn to admit your share of the troubles, that makes you a bad enemy. 

On the other hand, a good enemy does not avoid any arguments, but listens and makes an effort to understand the conflicting situation from the other side’s perspective. If you have strength of character and abundance of patience, you would be able to listen carefully and with enough respect as to make your partner deeply understood. 

If you are able to tolerate the voices, the cries or the attacks, and keep asking for the causes of the anger, then you are able to determine what your partner is crying out for, perhaps because there is a felt need for contact or because the loneliness is expressing itself…

Signs of being a good enemy to your partner:

- You always remember how important is for your partner to feel good about himself each day;

- You are able to offer an apology and thus break communication barriers;

- You praise your partner whenever contributing positive ideas;  

- You recognize and accept your shortcomings and think of ways for you to  

becoming a better partner;

- You treat your partner with respect and dignity at all times.

The skills of a good enemy:

- Never escalate the anger and the screaming;

- Deal with the problems in an easy, calm and self-empowered manner;

- Focus and remember the positive aspects that enhance the relationship;

- Be able to control situations, know when to stop and to say enough;

- Be able to make solid decisions, and sacrifice your self-interest.

You must also understand that in your relationship, to have it surviving and growing you should always work through your problems and settle your differences in a cooperative way.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today, by buying the ebook: Turning Conflicts into True Love”.

Technorati Tags: aggression, angry husband, appreciation, attitude change, conflict, confrontation, emotions, frustration, hidden anger, loneliness, negative emotions

The biggest temptation in a situation like this, as it drags on and on and you feel worse and worse, is to say “Yes, you’re right” and end the conversation. They walk away with a satisfied look and you finally have some space. But there’s something else they walk away with – your dignity.

“Yes-ing” others to get out of a conflict only reinforces the other person’s denial of your self-worth and your validity as a person. In their eyes, you become the weak punching bag, ready to absorb every blow.

How do you turn this kind of fight into a situation where you come out successful?

The best solution is to teach yourself to remember that you never have to agree. You can listen politely, giving them the respect that you would want, but at the end, you are under no obligation to agree, acquiesce, or approve. You have every right to say, “I hear you, and I understand that you’re upset, but I don’t agree.” Then leave the conversation at that. Don’t suffer your partner to lecture you or get angry at your establishment of equality.

Learn to recognize the “spin ploy” that many partners use. When you hit on a truth, like: “You’re overreacting,” they will turn on you and list your faults to distract you from the issue and their faults. Stay focused and do not play into this mind game.

One of the best consequences of identifying these mind games is that you stop spiraling into confusion when these tactics appear. Even if your partner maintains these tools and keeps trying to use them, they will no longer have their intended effect. Your partner no longer has the power to make you feel insignificant and stupid, because you are wise to those childish tricks.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today, get your own copy of Healing Emotional Abuse now!

Technorati Tags: anger, control, critique, Emotional Abuse, feelings, frustration, healthy relationships, hidden anger, humiliation, isolation, negative emotions, resentment, Self-Esteem

Overt abuse is the more obvious form of abuse. The abuser is often aggressive and physically and/or psychologically violent. They may employ vicious name-calling, act with subversive behaviors like spying or phone-tapping, use sex as a tool for manipulation and self-satisfaction, spend large amounts of money without respect for the victim’s needs, and deny love, affection, and warmth to the victim or the entire family.

Often, through coaching and the victim’s own commitment to change, overt behaviors will cease. In some cases however, the abusive mindset is so deeply rooted that an abuser will switch from overt abuse to covert abuse.

Covert abuse is well-disguised and hard to pin down. It manifests in manipulative and sneaky behaviors. One such example is a line like, “I can have anybody I want, but I’m with you.” Or leaving the house but denying an explanation of why or where, leaving the victim open to doubt and insecurity. The abuser may give subtle hints about the victim’s inability to do something right or their inability to understand the abuser, and turn the conversation around and insist that they are the misunderstood victim. Other mind games might be a denial of compliments and affection, but will talk about other women/men constantly. They may forget important dates and treat the victim differently from friends, co-workers, and other women/men.

Covert abuse creates a harrowing relationship for the victim, one seeded with doubt, insecurity, and feelings of foolishness and jealousy. Some victims may experience the abuse and wonder if abuse is occurring at all, and whether they are just blowing things out of proportion.

Don’t get locked in that trap. If the situation was the other way around, how would treat your partner? Would you take the time to reassure, comfort, and explain in situations that could be taken the wrong way? If you’re willing to do that to preserve a relationship, and your partner is not, you have a problem. It isn’t about something you did – it’s about what your partner isn’t doing.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today, by buying the ebook with solutions for healing emotional abuse in your life and having a happier love relationship….

Technorati Tags: abuse, aggression, appreciation, conflict, control, critique, Emotional Abuse, feelings, Healthy Marriage, hidden anger, rejection, verbal abuse

Like in: “when we are upset with each other we clam up and smile a lot, because you never let your anger show.”

Where do we learn these scripts? Like many other behaviors, we learn them in childhood – from our fathers, our mothers, our siblings and cousins. Did that make you wince? Then maybe you need to analyze your scripts and whether they’re hurting other people.

Some are fortunate enough to have learned (early or later) a healthy approach to healing pain. The unhealthy ones are these:

Withdrawal – We close ourselves off emotionally and put up walls to defend ourselves. This “keeping everybody out” ploy has a problem – it keeps everybody out. When you’re in pain, it is understandable that you need to get away from your abuser. But to heal you need someone kind and understanding who will hear you out and support you. They can’t do that if your door is locked.

Attack – In order to avoid being hurt again, we make ourselves stronger and tougher and wield power over others. What may start as a “kill or be killed” mentality against an abuser can lead to a non-discriminatory abuse of others. Attack as a way to handle emotional abuse is dangerous because you switch from being the victim to being the abuser, and merely keep the cruel cycle going.

Self-attack – This is a popular victim mentality – blaming yourself for the abuse. You beat yourself up for being weak enough to let abuse occur or continue. Not only does this allow the abuser to continue having power and control over you, it blinds you to the possibility of standing up for yourself and having the confidence to get out.

Avoiding – We hide the turmoil and pain by masking it. Instead of thinking about and dealing with that, we do this. Instead of confronting her emotionally abusive husband, Molly becomes addicted to drinking. This is an obvious avoidance, but there may be times when the avoidance is more subtle – maybe Molly develops OCD about cleaning the house, or becomes absorbed in making money, because they make her feel in control. Avoidance, whether self-destructive or not, is not dealing with the issue – it’s allowing it go on unhindered.

Solving emotional pain and overcoming emotional abuse and its effects do not occur by utilizing these four reactions, they occur through coaching and learning constructive ways to handle things. These four either inhibit the healing process or proliferate it. Worse still, an entrenchment in these behaviors causes us to be attracted to people with the same behaviors. Even after leaving an abusive relationship, we surround ourselves with people who withdraw, attack, and avoid, trapping ourselves in unhealthy relationships that play out over and over again like a bad song stuck on repeat.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Technorati Tags: angry husband, control, Emotional Abuse, frustration, healthy relationships, hidden anger, Self-Esteem, Silence

Now is time to include in the definition of emotional health the ability to express all emotions appropriately. Those who have this ability are surely mentally healthy, and able to keep their relationships with other growing. The opposite, being emotionally blocked and unable to know what feelings are present and how to express those feelings to others indicate lack of emotional health.

A person might be stuck in depression or in permanent stress; stuck in anger; stuck in obsessive fears, or stuck in perpetual guilt or shame. Each one of them indicates a solution that was chosen as the least of evils way back then, when growing up that now is hindering adult emotional development.

If we watch young children, as young as two years old, we can see the gamut of expressions being externalized as they happen. Emotions are there, and all the social and family education gets to work on the young person to control those expressions that are socially upsetting. Sadly, we repress emotions instead of accepting and channeling them as indicators of deep unsolved needs.

When we grow up, the most socially troublesome emotion is anger. How do we accept anger in ourselves, how to process it as an indicator of some unjust frustration suffered, and what to do to use it constructively is the challenge.
Emotionally healthy adults, with respect to anger, usually are comfortable with anger and hatred, their own and others. It’s not easy to accept, but is part of human emotions and it has a legitimate place.

The problem appears when socially we have no permission to feel or express anger. The message of emotional needs frustration is lost and can’t be solved; and moreover we suffer social rejection because of acting angry. We could even get more isolation and rejection the more the need prompts us to express anger in the wrong places.

This is one of the known roots of passive aggression: the anger gets hidden, and it can’t be expressed by normal ways. It then gets channeled in the more hidden ways: sullenness, sabotages, resistance, and emotional withdrawal…

Anger (including irritation, rage, hatred, etc.) is always based upon unfulfilled expectations. But we need to have the anger expressed, if we want to be able to offer any relief! What do you do in the case that you have only the smoke (passive aggression) but not the real, subjacent anger? Here is where you need to step in the readings about passive aggressive!

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Technorati Tags: anger, Emotional Abuse, emotions, feelings, frustration, Healthy Marriage, healthy relationships, hidden anger, negative emotions, Self-Esteem

Assertion is the art of saying what you need or believe in a way that other people can hear you clearly.

This ability is essential for effective problem-solving. The alternatives to assertion are

1.- submission, like in letting other people’s needs come always before yours, even being just or unjust. This will happen if you accept disrespectful treatment from a loved one for some time, while you grow a deep resentment;

2.- aggression – forcing your needs on another person without their agreement.

Both are lose-lose options, meaning that both sides, even the “winning one” will get less from the relationship. They are building anger, hurt and resentment instead of respect and love.

This is the way to assert yourself:

a) Get a clear idea of exactly the behavior irritating you. If he/she is not speaking to you in front of your friends, that is clearly a hostile behavior that needs addressing. What is the behavior that you want, instead of this? Acceptance, care, attention? Be clear on what you want.

b) Be clear and firm on your personal rights as a dignified person; and firmly believe that your rights, needs, and dignity are just as valid and important as anyone else’s, regardless of age, power, role, or gender.

c) You need to define the behavioral change that you need from this person or to set limits with someone whose behavior is unacceptable or hurtful to you.

HOW DO YOU DO ASSERTION?

1.- Begin describing the negative behavior in clear words:

“When you make jokes about my cooking in front of my friends, as you did last night at Alice’s party…”

2.- State the impact on you:

“I feel ignored and rejected.”

3.- Declare that you want a change:
“and I need you to (agree to make a specific behavior change):

“Remember that we are each other’s support system and we don’t criticize the other in public”

Your purpose is not to blame, but to deliver information about the impact of their behavior to the offending party. Messages centered on the “I” pro noun, delivered calmly, with steady, non-apologetic eye contact – have a better chance of being received as information, and not criticism.

The passive aggressive behavior needs someone to provide the offending person with a steady feedback on the impact of their behaviors…..which should extinguish them, if there is a willingness to change.

Want to hear more? We have good information and support for you!

Technorati Tags: aggression, anger, appreciation, Cold Shoulder, confrontation, Emotional Abuse, feelings, fight, Healthy Marriage, healthy relationships, hidden anger, Passive Aggresive Behavior, Self-Esteem

Because the damage is on the self-esteem and identity areas, healing emotional abuse means healing primarily both your mind and soul, not your body. Healing an emotionally abusive relationship can only take place once you realize that you are indeed in a power grab, abusive control style of relationship, not an egalitarian one. Prior to this, you need to do the following:

Accepting the sad reality that you are in an abusive relationship is hard and painful, but necessary. You can’t continue thinking that he is “too tired” or “making jokes but not seriously making fun about you.” This is for real a very sad place where he tries to humiliate you to keep you under his control.

WANT to Know More about How to Heal from Abuse?

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Technorati Tags: abuse, abusive relationship, anger, confrontation, Emotional Abuse, feelings, forgiveness, frustration, Healthy Marriage, hidden anger, loneliness, love