The emotional side that makes our decisions has been charmingly called “the old brain.” The old brain doesn’t understand words (a product of reason), but it does understand threats, survival and reproduction.

This changes up the way we think of conflict. It’s no longer a perceived difference of rational opinions (Wikipedia); there is the new idea that conflicts are emotional, in and of themselves. Conflicts seem reason-driven because they are covered up by a cost-analysis rationalization that legitimizes the confrontation.

Here is how the human brain works:

• The new brain thinks: it processes rational data.
• The middle brain feels: It processes emotions and gut feelings.
• The old brain decides: it takes into account the input from the other two brains, but it is the actual trigger of the decision. In other words, the old brain is the boss.

This idea is very practical, because day to day, we can ask ourselves: what primordial needs has my old brain today?

Do I feel insecure in my relationship or my job?
Do I feel threatened?
Is there some basic anxiety around my gut today?

After that, the path is clear: your job is to activate your middle and new brains and evaluate those panic triggers that the older brain is activating:

Is a sure thing that you will starve today?
Are there enemies at your door or is it a simple alarming noise?

In this way, we avoid making decisions ruled by the survival brain, the older one! Our decisions will be more rational and emotional if we evaluate and discard the messages from the older brain. The point is not necessarily to avoid all conflict the old brain alerts us to, but we can learn to separate defense mechanisms (being unnecessarily aggressive with a co-worker) from constructive conflict (a discussion about how to reprimand your children).

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation at Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

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Isn’t it wonderful how we submit to the pixie dust of year end’s magic? besides running here and there to present our best image, our best table and food, our best dress, house, etc, we also enter into a magic territory when it is necessary to design vital goals for us. Because? Just because now, only now, there is an open door to making them happen!

Yeah, right.

Year after year we have promised ourselves to exercise more, eat better and fight fair with our loved ones. It’s not that we ignore the improvement areas in our lives, far from that! Is that it looks more and more like a dialogue of deaf people, an impossible conversation between out higher self images, provided by the more developed parts of our brain, and an old, reptilian core of primitive survival forces located at the base of our head.

We, rational beings, know exactly how much good it would do us to keep an exercise structure…and cherish this wish as if we had an only rational decision-maker in our brain. What is what we deny or ignore? Other parts of our brain…

Even when we don’t know it, we are split and two parts of our brain compete for dominance. Facing a threat to the status quo, your reptilian brain reacts automatically to this planned change as an imaginary attack to the status quo.  What are the choices that the rational, thinking cortex has of winning and imposing an excellent program of exercise over this primal resistance? Almost zero.

The brain stem is the oldest and smallest region in the evolving human brain. It evolved hundreds of millions of years ago and is more like the entire brain of present-day reptiles. For this reason, it is often called the ‘reptilian brain’. Group of cells in the brain stem determine the brain’s general level of alertness and regulate the vegetative processes of the body such as breathing and heartbeat.  It’s concerned with fundamental needs such as survival, physical maintenance, hoarding, dominance, preening and mating. The basic ruling emotions of love, hate, fear, lust, and contentment are generated from this first stage of the brain.

Everything else, (including our self improvement plans) the reptilian brain ignores or leaves behind.

How can you convince your primitive brain that losing weight and starting a running program will be beneficial? Not with logic, of course! The primitive brain continues to feel only basic emotions….so you need to make a nice package:

Wanna change a big part of your personality, like beginning therapy, stoping smoking or controlling anger in your relationship? These are major changes, so you need to plan for the component of seducing your older brain into loving the new activity.

~Convince yourself that you are not changing your life because of running, you are only “adding up to life maintenance routines” feel proud about that;

~Remember the previous (and smaller) behaviors in each time of your life (like when you did learn meditation), recover that attitude and then teach yourself anger management techniques…they are only a continuation of what your brain already knows!

~ In short, you are embracing the basic brain reactions, and building upon them, not uprooting them. We yield to our primitive, survival emotions by accepting them and building upon them…Nothing wrong to include a plan to deal with our basic resistance while dreaming with new behaviors promised in our new year resolutions, but keep in touch with your reptilian core…and throw it a bone! Otherwise, your dreams will go up in smoke as last year!

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation at Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

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We wanted to challenge the “End of the Year Blues”, as we realized how many issues are still without resolution when it comes to important relationships…

With this in mind, we are proud to announce that December will be

“National Relationships Repair Month“

This FREE program spans over 4 whole weeks for a good discussion and healing of the issues that form the base of our relationships, so hidden we usually do not take the time to reflect on them…

We provide here good reading materials for you to learn from, questions and answers and finally, a good plan to restore your relationships. We count with your participation!

Get a good look at this new offer, and hop on board! Here is the link, and remember that we are waiting for you!

http://nationalrelationshipsmonth.com

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation at Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

 

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At the heart of the human experience is the need to feel loved, and to feel love for others. This connection in its multiple forms goes to the heart of our own identity. What kind of relationships? Better them to be healthy and meaningful, we wish….But in all cases, we tend to reenact the primal experiences we have had when children, (that is what we know, of course) and so our present relationships duplicate the anxiety and the pain and the difficulty of previous ones.

Here is the core of our situation: If each one of us has such a strong need to give and receive love, what are we doing when we sustain unhealthy connections that prevent and thwart our growth? Why is there so little love in the world?

It has to do with an imbalance between what we can give and what do we need…to keep the flow of connection alive. In healthier family systems, it is more important to be emotionally close, and resolve negative feelings with each other. It is also easy to admit when mistakes are made, feelings are hurt and situations demand a heartfelt apology…

In such a family, keeping well nurtured a member’s self esteem is more important than any single behavior, and each one of the members cares about keeping each other’s healthy feelings. Some individuals could even apologize for hurting the spouse’s feelings even if he believes the other person “should” have known better. One could decide that it is more important to be close to the loved one, than to be right. Educating the children in how do you resolve this right/close issue is usually essential for their future ability to build good relationship.

The primary factor in determining whether there will be trust, goodwill, and emotional closeness in a couple or family group is whether each person is convinced that the other cares not just about his or her own well being, but about the other person’s as well.  There has to be a perception that everybody’s feelings count and need to be taken care of, either them being adult or children.

The more family members have an understanding of the basic conflict style they use, the greater their chance of not acting them out in the relationship in a destructive way. If they know that there is a tendency to shouting, then they can establish ways of reminding each other that “here we care not to shout to each other, because we know how much it hurts.” This kind of shared understanding invites gently each person to take care of his/her own feelings and its management.

Relationships is the real way and a unique opportunity to understand ourselves in a new way, and to discover the best and most noble parts of ourselves. We are as trusting and caring in our lives as our past conflicts have been resolved, and the flow of care for each other has been maintained.

The reverse is also true, however. If we reject taking ownership of our own frustration and negative feelings, and blame the other person for how we feel and respond to her in a violent way, we stop the learning process and end up feeling angry, and often victimized. How we choose to deal with our own painful feelings from our past, as well as negotiate our present relationships, and how much we are able to love and empathize with another needs for love and connection, ultimately determines the outcome of the relationship, as well as our own spiritual and emotional growth.

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to Conflict Coach

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What are some rules that we recommend?

Well, for intense emotional issues and conflicts, there are two rules that we think are non-negotiable – you can’t go without them.

• Confrontation is by appointment only. Conflicts can occur at any time, we know. However, there is a time and a place for discussing problems and issues that are bothering us (i.e., McDonalds over lunch is not one of them). All parties should agree to briefly describe the problem, then make plans for when is a good time for all to talk. This can be as simple as saying, “I’d like to talk about what happened just now. Can we speak at home?”
• Everybody has the right to a time-out. Sometimes things get out of control when emotions like anger or fear escalate. Realize that every person has the right to feel overwhelmed, and the right to ask for a break to calm down and recollect. However, it also that person’s responsibility to make clear when you will reconvene (minutes or days later).

Need more ideas about coming up with family rules? It may help to divide into a few categories: rules that keep the conversation constructive, rules to handle disruptive emotions like anger, rules to improve communication, and how-to rules for reaching solutions that please both parties.

Here are some good examples of rules that pertain to the first category – maintaining constructive conflict:

• Confrontation by appointment only – we talked about this one. Just as a reminder, don’t make an appointment to sit down and talk right before bed, work or school.  There should be enough time to both talk out the issue and mentally unwind afterward.
• Optimal location – location has a lot to do with how constructive the confrontation is. A lot of interruptions will impede the flow of ideas, so pick a quiet place. Avoid the bedroom, which should stay associated with peace and rest. A good place to talk about issues is a calm, neutral, pleasing place. Moving while you talk can keep endorphins going at a nice pace, so a park is often a good place to go. If all else fails, phone conversations can remove a physical space that feels threatening.
• Start on a kind foot – Show your desire for mutual respect and peace by taking their hand, offering a gift or compliment, or anything that you feel is appropriate to diminish hostility. Just don’t go overboard into making it seem like a bribe! Your main objective is to show that you are opening the conversation on a sure ground by professing that you want to protect your relationship’s underlying values. In short: you are saying: we want to improve the good relationship we already have…

Need help creating rules for conflict in the other categories, like reaching workplace resolutions? Visit our conflict coach today to receive a free consultation. Coach Nora can send you on your way to a healthy relationship in no time at all!

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Is it possible to condition and program our brains the same way we would on a computer? The answer is yes! (And don’t worry, you don’t need high-tech skills to do it!) We are conditioning our brains every day, without realizing it. We do this when we use phrases and expressions to talk about ourselves. The little chatter in your head that says, “This I can do, this I can’t, this I’m good enough for, this I’m not,” etc. can make or break your self-esteem.

Why does this little voice have so much power? Because, if we analyze it, these opinions about ourselves don’t come from us. they come from years ago, when the first chatter was children, parents, and others evaluating us according to their standards. Gradually, their voices became the one we use to talk to ourselves! Think of it as living in a certain area for so long that you begin to pick up the same accent as the locals.

So, do you have a problem with speaking in public, because you are extremely self-conscious about your voice? Well, chances are that somewhere in your past, someone teased and judged you about your voice, and now that opinion has been taken up by your brain as true.

This is how smart your brain is: it can take up the smallest instances and fool you (and itself) into making them valid. However, if it’s smart enough to do this in the first place, it’s smart enough to reverse it as well, right? To be more confident about yourself, you need to become self-directed and watch carefully the things you say to yourself (i.e., the inner voice your brain is supplying you with). Are there lots of critical statements? Dismissing comments? Ironic appraisals and accusations about your own capacity?

Once you become aware of this internal negative chatter and where it can be coming from (an unreliable source), you can see how these comments can chip away at your self-esteem. Your communication processes (internal images, thoughts, feelings) need to screened and moderated, so that they can be transformed into a self-building stream of positive reinforcement.

Usually, we dismiss the power of this kind of self-programming. We think that we can’t teach our brain to think in new ways and break out of old routes of logic. If you have been raised as a person not confident about yourself at all, you will be attuned to those negative comments and validating them as real truths.

But you know what? Those “truths” are constructed anyway, so what is preventing you from feeding yourself (constructing) new positive comments?

I know a person who always says things to herself like “Hey, Queen Brilliant,” and “Hey, smarty pants,” and in those moments, she can feel how she becomes extremely happy! We all need to create that powerful state of esteem for ourselves so that excitement and significance are reinforced. That way, we don’t go back into old programmings, those feelings that we are not good at anything that someone, sometime ago, installed in our brains.

We need to program our brains the same way we would a personal computer. We should install the feelings we want, the images of ourselves we want, and the strategies to create the states we want to exist in. Similarly, we need to scour our systems (physical, mental, and emotional) for things that don’t belong and are only slowing us down! If we don’t, everything will be random and eccentric; we’ll never have the ability to access good feelings on cue, and they’ll never stick around.

I have had some wonderful results as I teach these new “programming” or conditioning techniques to my clients and readers. It’s not an instant process, because you actually have to reinforce the nerve cells in your brain while you reinforce your good behavior. However, just by teaching them that low self-esteem is never permanent, they are gaining better self-esteem and self-awareness , and feeling like completely new people because of it! It’s a great thing to see!

If you have low self-esteem and are struggling to find solutions, please contact Coach Nora today for a coaching session, where you’ll learn more about re-programming the negative messages that are keeping you miserable!

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Visit http://conflictcoach.me now.

Technorati Tags: appreciation, attitude change, brain, critique, emotions, feelings, happiness, negative emotions, respect, self-awareness, Self-Esteem, understanding

• Are you accessible when I try to reach out to you?
• Will you be responsive to my needs?
• Are you committed to this relationship?

In other words, beneath the content of words spoken in fights, partners are looking for answers to questions of:

• Are you there for me?
• Are you emotionally present?
• Do you see, value and love me?

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more!

Technorati Tags: appreciation, attitude change, conflict resolution, confrontation, control, critique, Emotional Abuse, forgiveness, happiness, Healthy Marriage, hidden anger, love, recognition

So what about getting defensive? Does that go against the natural program of love-seeking? Surprisingly enough, no.

When couples fight over silly things and become defensive (even though they don’t need to), there is an underlying reason for it. We may not realize it during a fight, but we pick up on things and fight over them because we are each concerned about our role in the relationships we are in. When a partner comments about something small, the other may become defensive, scared that this means they are a “bad” partner or that their partner loves them less. Sounds silly, right? But we all do it!

Beyond that, there are also subconscious questions buzzing in our minds when we fight over small things, make them look bigger, or become defensive. In these altercations, what we’re really saying and asking each other is:

• Are you accessible when I reach out to you?
• Will you respond to my needs and requests?
• Are you engaged in our relationship?

In other words, “Will you be there for me when I need you?” This is the basic question of attachment. Deep down, we all have these insecurities, and it’s reflected in the way we interact with others, especially significant others. It’s almost like our brains are telling us, “Fight! Then you will know if they love you!”

What does this mean for couples in a strained relationship, or a relationship where the love is “dying”?

Are you and your partner trying to avoid conflict, thinking that this is the best way to keep a relationship “safe”? Think about what we just said about conflict. If, during conflict, our brains are using conflict to find out whether to other person is really committed, why would we give that up? Healthy conflict that respects boundaries can help couples air problems, reach out to one another, reveal true needs, and test their commitment to each other and the relationship. In other words, if you pretend there are no problems, how can you know whether the two of you are willing to heal it? A couple that never fights never learns to love each other more deeply.

Protect the love and commitment in your relationship by accepting conflict as a normal part of life, and determine to handle it in a healthy way. In many ways, fighting is just our brains’ way of re-connecting with other people!

If you need help learning how to fight to protect (not harm!) the love in your relationship, our Conflict Coach can help you do just that. Visit the Conflict Coach today to receive your free coaching session.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation (by clicking here), with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

Technorati Tags: appreciation, conflict, conflict resolution, emotions, feelings, fight, happiness, Healthy Marriage, healthy relationships, Relationships, respect, understanding

The end result is that happily married couples make explicit decisions about how to manage day to day activities. They realize that decisions, small or large, must be made in an environment of mutual respect and understanding. When conflict arises, whether it’s doing dishes or parenting techniques, the couple has learned how to communicate effectively.

What can impede this happy marriage is the circumstances of the marriage itself – when the couple got married, and how good their relationship was before they did.

For example, many couples rush into marriage while still in that early “idealized” state, where they are totally in love and neither has any faults. Studies show that divorce rates usually peak in the third year of marriage – a testament to the idea that only fools rush in. Idealized images of each other lead to idealized expectations. This is dangerous because the couple doesn’t give themselves time to find out how to solve conflict; they’d rather imagine that it doesn’t exist.

Another issue is the idea that moving in together will let you get to know one another better. In truth, this situation is tricky, and divorce rates are higher among those couples who lived together before marriage. The problem is that living together without marrying, especially if it’s mostly for money reasons or convenience, can lead a couple to think that they’re in a temporary situation.

Without a sense of “we’re married now, we have to make this work,” the couple tends to avoid negotiating conflict by avoiding long-term problems altogether.

Negotiating conflict and learning to recognize that men and women have different ways of handling conflict are skills that are invaluable to a happy marriage. However, when couples refuse to move out of the idealized stage and into the reality of conflict, they only hurt themselves.

Remember that having conflict in your relationship is normal – not a red flag. The only real thing that can keep the two of you from having a happy relationship is pretending that conflict doesn’t exist.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

Technorati Tags: appreciation, conflict, conflict management, conflict resolution, divorce, happiness, Healthy Marriage, healthy relationships, love, preparing for marriage, Relationships, romance, understanding

Our frame of thinking and general attitude on life determines how satisfied we will feel and how successful we will become. A person who has a positive expectation about life in general, will behave accepting what life offers as an endless learning opportunity. This person will function in a more relaxed, calm and efficient way than someone who is apprehensive and fearful, always looking for the negative event he needs to prevent from and protect from, and accepts naturally a degree of failure as a normal happenstance.

Of course, our frame of expectations towards life is dependent on our previous experiences. If we were protected, helped and nurtured, we will see the universe as a peaceful entity, ready to give us what we need or deserve… If we have been frustrated and grew up in a scarcity environment, then we will look at life with dread expecting any next setback to produce serious damage to our life.

Not only does our attitude affect us, it also affects those around us, in short our mood modifies our environment. All this explanation is to say that developing and keeping a positive outlook is essential if we wish to lead a positive and fulfilling life.

Once we realize how important it is to take care of a negative outlook in life, we need to find a way to change it. There are many ways in which we can develop a more positive mindset, if we want to. We can begin to change how we think and feel about many situations that we encounter in day-to-day living. Changing attitude and not slipping back into negative thinking will take time and serious efforts,  but eventually the new mindset will become second nature.

This is the process to change your mindset:

1. Be aware of your negative thoughts; and practice on a daily basis on becoming more and more aware. When you set a goal for yourself, focus on completing one task at a time and think only of a positive outcome for it and experience the positive feelings related to task completion. Probably there will be some doubts about your capacity to finish, but don’t get scared so easily and keep going.
2. Watch out when you begin conversations using negative comments, and don’t allow others around you to talk in those terms. Find the good aspect hidden in everything and any situation.
3. Praise others’ positive actions; be fast in recognizing the merits of tasks well done.
4. Whatever you are doing in your day-to-day life, keep watching out for negative thoughts that put your resolve in jeopardy. Find the silver lining in any challenge!
5. Be patient with setbacks; you have been thinking in a negative way for too long…if you catch yourself saying some negativity, ask yourself: What good result can come from this situation?

You will find over time that many areas of your life can be improved just by changing your mindset from a negative one to a positive. You will find that your self-esteem improves, you become more confident in being able to achieve your goals, you feel happier than before, and your relationships improve! These are just a few of the areas where you can transform your life by learning to behave from a more positive mindset and thus build up a more happy life!

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Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more!

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