Isn’t it wonderful how we submit to the pixie dust of year end’s magic? besides running here and there to present our best image, our best table and food, our best dress, house, etc, we also enter into a magic territory when it is necessary to design vital goals for us. Because? Just because now, only now, there is an open door to making them happen!

Yeah, right.

Year after year we have promised ourselves to exercise more, eat better and fight fair with our loved ones. It’s not that we ignore the improvement areas in our lives, far from that! Is that it looks more and more like a dialogue of deaf people, an impossible conversation between out higher self images, provided by the more developed parts of our brain, and an old, reptilian core of primitive survival forces located at the base of our head.

We, rational beings, know exactly how much good it would do us to keep an exercise structure…and cherish this wish as if we had an only rational decision-maker in our brain. What is what we deny or ignore? Other parts of our brain…

Even when we don’t know it, we are split and two parts of our brain compete for dominance. Facing a threat to the status quo, your reptilian brain reacts automatically to this planned change as an imaginary attack to the status quo.  What are the choices that the rational, thinking cortex has of winning and imposing an excellent program of exercise over this primal resistance? Almost zero.

The brain stem is the oldest and smallest region in the evolving human brain. It evolved hundreds of millions of years ago and is more like the entire brain of present-day reptiles. For this reason, it is often called the ‘reptilian brain’. Group of cells in the brain stem determine the brain’s general level of alertness and regulate the vegetative processes of the body such as breathing and heartbeat.  It’s concerned with fundamental needs such as survival, physical maintenance, hoarding, dominance, preening and mating. The basic ruling emotions of love, hate, fear, lust, and contentment are generated from this first stage of the brain.

Everything else, (including our self improvement plans) the reptilian brain ignores or leaves behind.

How can you convince your primitive brain that losing weight and starting a running program will be beneficial? Not with logic, of course! The primitive brain continues to feel only basic emotions….so you need to make a nice package:

Wanna change a big part of your personality, like beginning therapy, stoping smoking or controlling anger in your relationship? These are major changes, so you need to plan for the component of seducing your older brain into loving the new activity.

~Convince yourself that you are not changing your life because of running, you are only “adding up to life maintenance routines” feel proud about that;

~Remember the previous (and smaller) behaviors in each time of your life (like when you did learn meditation), recover that attitude and then teach yourself anger management techniques…they are only a continuation of what your brain already knows!

~ In short, you are embracing the basic brain reactions, and building upon them, not uprooting them. We yield to our primitive, survival emotions by accepting them and building upon them…Nothing wrong to include a plan to deal with our basic resistance while dreaming with new behaviors promised in our new year resolutions, but keep in touch with your reptilian core…and throw it a bone! Otherwise, your dreams will go up in smoke as last year!

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation at Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

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We wanted to challenge the “End of the Year Blues”, as we realized how many issues are still without resolution when it comes to important relationships…

With this in mind, we are proud to announce that December will be

“National Relationships Repair Month“

This FREE program spans over 4 whole weeks for a good discussion and healing of the issues that form the base of our relationships, so hidden we usually do not take the time to reflect on them…

We provide here good reading materials for you to learn from, questions and answers and finally, a good plan to restore your relationships. We count with your participation!

Get a good look at this new offer, and hop on board! Here is the link, and remember that we are waiting for you!

http://nationalrelationshipsmonth.com

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation at Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

 

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Technorati Tags: attitude change, communication, conflict resolution, confrontation, emotions, feelings, forgiveness, frustration, happiness, Healthy Marriage, healthy relationships, love, marriage, recognition, reconciliation, Relationships, resilience, respect

However, is it possible that there is also such a thing as a “good” enemy? If so, can a bad enemy be turned into a good one?

Let’s remember what a marriage is. It’s a process, an agreement. Both sides agree to develop as individuals while also connecting with each other. In this way, each grow as separate human beings, but they grow (or at least try to) at the same pace and they grow in the same relationship. However, we know this isn’t always how it works out: often, the rate of growth becomes uneven, and both partners try to manage their differences in opinion, understanding, and perception (individual growth) without challenging the union that they’re trying to uphold.

That’s where the fights and arguments come in; they come with the territory of any relationship. Not only are they caused by different patterns of growth and understanding, conflicts are also essential to that growth itself. However, some relationships quickly fall into trouble if one or neither of the partners is at the point where they can handle that conflict in the right way. You need to learn how to be a good enemy, so you can confront yourself and your partner with the truth of your own reality, emotions and needs.

Thus, we can say that passive aggression is the “bad” enemy approach to conflict and growth. Passive aggression demands a reaction to conflict that deals with denial, retreat and sabotage. Being a “good” enemy demands a reaction to conflict that learns and creates growth.

So what behaviors does a “good” enemy have? Yes, you’re right in thinking, “Whatever the opposite of passive aggression is!” But let’s be a little more specific and break it down.

Do you avoid confrontation, escape from legitimate arguments or outright reject you partner’s arguments? That’s being a bad enemy.

If you fight your battles looking only at your self-interest, forgetting that you are part of a couple, and answering fire with fire, or all you care about is your self-defense, or if you are too proud or stubborn to admit your share of the troubles, that also makes you a bad enemy.

On the other hand, a good enemy does not avoid any arguments, but listens and makes an effort to understand the conflicting situation from the other side’s perspective. If you have strength of character and abundance of patience, you will be able to listen carefully and with enough respect as to make your partner deeply understood.

If you are able to tolerate the voices, the cries or the attacks, and keep asking for the causes of the anger, then you are able to determine what your partner is crying out for, perhaps because there is a felt need for contact or because the loneliness is expressing itself…

Signs of being a good enemy to your partner:

- You always remember how important is for your partner to feel good about himself each day;

- You are able to offer an apology and thus break communication barriers;

- You praise your partner whenever contributing positive ideas;

- You recognize and accept your shortcomings and think of ways for you to becoming a better partner;

- You treat your partner with respect and dignity at all times, even when you are raging mad at him/her.

The skills of a good enemy are:

- Never escalate the anger and the screaming;

- Deal with the problems in an easy, calm and self-empowered manner;

- Focus and remember the positive aspects that enhance the relationship;

- Be able to control situations, know when to stop and to say enough;

- Be able to make solid decisions, and sacrifice your self-interest.

You must also understand that in your relationship, to have it surviving and growing you should always work through your problems and settle your differences in a cooperative way. We said before that this does require patience and practice, and if you feel that your skills in this “good” enemy arena are not up to par, we can help!

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having  a conflict coach session, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

Technorati Tags: anger, angry husband, conflict resolution, confrontation, Emotional Abuse, frustration, humiliation, resilience, Self-Esteem

What are some rules that we recommend?

Well, for intense emotional issues and conflicts, there are two rules that we think are non-negotiable – you can’t go without them.

• Confrontation is by appointment only. Conflicts can occur at any time, we know. However, there is a time and a place for discussing problems and issues that are bothering us (i.e., McDonalds over lunch is not one of them). All parties should agree to briefly describe the problem, then make plans for when is a good time for all to talk. This can be as simple as saying, “I’d like to talk about what happened just now. Can we speak at home?”
• Everybody has the right to a time-out. Sometimes things get out of control when emotions like anger or fear escalate. Realize that every person has the right to feel overwhelmed, and the right to ask for a break to calm down and recollect. However, it also that person’s responsibility to make clear when you will reconvene (minutes or days later).

Need more ideas about coming up with family rules? It may help to divide into a few categories: rules that keep the conversation constructive, rules to handle disruptive emotions like anger, rules to improve communication, and how-to rules for reaching solutions that please both parties.

Here are some good examples of rules that pertain to the first category – maintaining constructive conflict:

• Confrontation by appointment only – we talked about this one. Just as a reminder, don’t make an appointment to sit down and talk right before bed, work or school.  There should be enough time to both talk out the issue and mentally unwind afterward.
• Optimal location – location has a lot to do with how constructive the confrontation is. A lot of interruptions will impede the flow of ideas, so pick a quiet place. Avoid the bedroom, which should stay associated with peace and rest. A good place to talk about issues is a calm, neutral, pleasing place. Moving while you talk can keep endorphins going at a nice pace, so a park is often a good place to go. If all else fails, phone conversations can remove a physical space that feels threatening.
• Start on a kind foot – Show your desire for mutual respect and peace by taking their hand, offering a gift or compliment, or anything that you feel is appropriate to diminish hostility. Just don’t go overboard into making it seem like a bribe! Your main objective is to show that you are opening the conversation on a sure ground by professing that you want to protect your relationship’s underlying values. In short: you are saying: we want to improve the good relationship we already have…

Need help creating rules for conflict in the other categories, like reaching workplace resolutions? Visit our conflict coach today to receive a free consultation. Coach Nora can send you on your way to a healthy relationship in no time at all!

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We are now watching this information about a whole society filled with Wounded Children (the name we use here in this blog to name adults carrying around their own, repressed ACEs) doing the best they can to survive the wounds of their childhood, that are produced in and by people in their most significant relationships.

The same place where our birth places us is the home that will give us any one of the adverse experiences listed below,  and in this way will put limits to our future possibility for happiness…

It is highly possible that our parents, by allowing any ACE to happen, are only reproducing the painful conditions of their own childhood; but the reality of us transmitting such pain to the new generations is very difficult to accept.

The ACE Study is an ongoing collaboration between the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and Kaiser Permanente. It is perhaps  the largest scientific research study of its kind, showing a direct, causal relationship between nine categories of adverse childhood experience:

• physical abuse;
• emotional abuse;
• sexual abuse;
• an alcohol and/or drug abuser in the household;
• an incarcerated household member;
• living with someone who is chronically depressed, mentally ill, institutionalized, or suicidal;
• witnessing domestic violence against the mother;
• parental discord indicated by divorce, separation, abandonment;
• emotional or physical neglect

The presence of each one of the Adverse Childhood Experiences determines at least 18 physical, mental and behavioral health outcomes. If you are brave enough, can you identify how many of those experiences were there, in your home when you were growing up?

The more ACEs people have had in their formative years, the higher the rate of mental, physical, behavioral disease and disability in the population, including higher rates of chronic disease, low educational achievement and increased violence.

In the words of the Adverse Childhood Experiences Study authors:

“The ACE Study reveals a powerful relationship between our emotional experiences as children and our physical and mental health as adults, as well as the major causes of adult mortality in the United States.

It documents the conversion of traumatic emotional experiences in childhood into organic disease later in life. How does this happen, this reverse alchemy, turning the gold of a newborn infant into the lead of a depressed, diseased adult?

The Study makes it clear that time does not heal some of the adverse experiences we found so common in the childhoods of a large population of middle-aged, middle class Americans. One does not ‘just get over’ some things, not even fifty years later.”

Whatever we can plan or imagine that would improve relationships in the home, is adding to the possibility that any newborn could have the whole deck of healthy possibilities allowed for his/her future.

http://www.heraldnet.com/article/20110514/OPINION03/705149995

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation (by clicking here), with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

Technorati Tags: aggression, anger, conflict, domestic violence, Emotional Abuse, frustration, healthy relationships, humiliation, isolation, loneliness, love, negative emotions, Relationships, respect, Self-Esteem

What are they? Here is the list of all communication activities that enforce the idea that one spouse is better than the other:

• interruption of spouse’s explanation or story;
• correcting all the time: “no, it’s not x, it’s z”;
• talking down (voice intonation);
• reacting as if something done by the other is grave; irreparable, and has no redemption (when it is a normal behavior, not a crime);
• saying “yes” to requests and then ignoring them, (no apologies or mention of the promised action);
• carving personal spaces from mutual ones, without negotiation;
• making decisions unilaterally;
• offering advice relentlessly and without being requested;
• saying “I would done completely opposite of you…”;
• being amazed at “wow, we are sooo different!” instead of focusing on similarities;
• invading personal spaces of the other person without even recognizing doing that;
• focusing on negative aspects of the partner, being blind to the positives;
• making silly jokes with your friends, where the spouse is the joke target;
• being blind to feelings of isolation, sadness and grief in spouse;
• offering fake comfort: “this also will pass” instead of a real hug

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to http://conflictcoach.me.

Technorati Tags: appreciation, conflict resolution, control, critique, frustration, negative emotions, passive aggressive, reconciliation, rejection, resentment

Any relationship is an implicit contract in which both individuals promise to help each other get satisfaction to some of the needs we all have. We need to help people find new ways to meet their personal needs in ways that will serve them and others in the long term.

From that neutral point of view, is that we offer this definition:

Given that people don’t know how to identify their own human needs and how to negotiate with others needs’ satisfaction, thus they need to fight with each other. Conflict is a learning experience, because:

• Is a way of interaction with each other by which we attempt to clarify our own needs;
• We explore the relationship limits, especially those related to how much it provides both parties with needs satisfaction.

Conflict creation involves either creating or responding to challenges, and so it is the main tool to get variety in our lives. What kind of variety? Here is the important distinction: it has to be from the kind of variety that makes us grow… in the right direction.

A conflict that challenges our need for love and connection has the risk of making us feel rejected and lonely. Perhaps the challenge is to learn how to process social isolation while reinforcing self-esteem? No one but the person undergoing this challenge can know.

What we do know is that we all need to navigate times when things don’t go as we planned them to be, when expectations are foiled and frustration of basic needs is the main threat. It is here that we need positive conflict strategies!

Positive conflict defines a process involving self-discovery, needs discovery, and reciprocal trade-offs, so both parties are satisfied with what they obtain beyond learning how to manage a good, respectful process.

Negative conflict is confrontation between people who don’t know how to express what they need. nor how to negotiate satisfiers for their needs. The end result is not learning but only venting caused by needs and frustration.

Moreover, it is called negative conflict because it has to recur as many times as necessary for both sides to learn what the other side’s needs are, and to begin offering something to the other to fulfill these needs!

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing Conflict Coach sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more!

Technorati Tags: appreciation, conflict resolution, confrontation, control, feelings, fight, frustration, growth, human needs, isolation, loneliness, love, recognition, Relationships, respect, Self-Esteem

Every day, we come into contact with people that are walking emotional bundles. They carry the weight of past experiences with them, framing their present experiences as well as whatever wrong assumptions about life they have gained from those hurts.

Their previous experiences have conditioned them, from childhood on, to see the world as a dangerous place, full of treacherous people and pregnant with risk. It’s best not to trust anybody! Because of this frame of reference, they can’t keep an open and trusting attitude about interpersonal interactions.

When you think about dealing with people like this, it is easy to see why they are called difficult people or difficult relationships. They are scared, resistant to trust others or directly rejecting cooperation out of mistrust.

Are they the walking wounded? You bet! The best way of framing this interaction is to see them as non-mature people (regardless of their age), that act as wounded children. They sulk, are easily frustrated and upset, get paranoid when given feedback and in general show a reduced ability to work with others in shared projects.

What is the next step, once you’ve realized that you’re dealing with a difficult person?

Don’t take their behavior personally. Their troublesome behavior is their own way of reacting to life, was there before you, and is directed to everybody they come into contact with.

Don’t fight back or try to beat them at their own games. They are consummate artists who have been practicing their skills for a lifetime, so don’t get into responding fire with fire. You will merely be showing them that dealing with other people is too complicated to handle.

Don’t give in to unreasonable requests. If you give them what they want just to appease them or put them in a good mood, they will request more and more later.

Don’t try to change them, you are not their parents/therapist or significant other.

Well, wait. Did we just tell you what NOT to do? Yes. Because in a situation like this, there is really only one thing you CAN do, and have a healthy outcome.

It’s this:

You can only change your responses to their behavior, not the behavior itself. In doing so, and doing it consistently and firmly, they will begin to recognize a cause and effect trend. I.e., if I push someone away in this way, the result is this. Or, if I demand this, I get that.

So, the bottom line is that you have to have a clear idea of what you stand for, tell people your position in a calm, clear way, walking away when they use intimidation, guilt or abuse to get you to do what you don’t consider appropriate for your place in the relationship and all the time avoiding getting emotionally involved.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today,by reading the ebook: Passive Aggressive Workplace.

Technorati Tags: anger, attitude change, conflict, conflict resolution, control, critique, frustration, humiliation, negative emotions, passive aggression, rejection, resentment, Resistance

Though the question is hard, maybe even confrontational, it is important to remember that everyone has points in their lives where they need to sit down and evaluate their roles, performance, and habits. Start by evaluating the relationship between yourself and your boss.

Here, we will address the signs of a difficult boss. If the signs are unfamiliar, perhaps the next step is to look for patterns in your own work ethic.

Lack of experience – many people find it hard to work under someone who got their position because of education, knowing the right people, etc. It means that they did not spend years climbing the ladder or struggling for a position. As such, a boss who does not deserve their position may ask you to do things they themselves don’t know how to do.

Unfortunately, that causes them to have twisted expectations of time. They may ask you to do a task in 30 minutes, not realizing (because they’ve never done it) that the task actually takes 3 hours.

Takes credit for your work – this is self-explanatory. If your boss or coworker takes the credit for something you did, you have an unhealthy situation. A good boss is willing to spread the credit around, because it builds confidence and trust among employees.

Blames you for mistakes – although a difficult boss will take credit, they will also lay blame, perhaps because they’ve been put on the spot and don’t want to look bad. Ideally, a boss should accept any mistakes made in the office as their responsibility – after all, they were in charge. Whatever reprimands happen later is between you and your boss, but a level of respect and confidentiality should always be maintained.

Lastly, a good boss encourages you to grow professionally. They see your success as their success. Alternatively, a difficult boss will think of their advancement first, choosing not to mentor or support employees in their own goals. Not only is it unkind toward your personal needs, it shows a lack of interest in the well-being and growth of the company.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Technorati Tags: anger, angry boss, bad boss, conflict, confrontation, control, fight, frustration, humiliation, respect, workplace anxiety

“Fight fire with fire”
“The best defense is a good attack”

Most of your experiences teach you to respond to other person’s perceived attack with another attack, so the dispute instead of being resolved escalates to a real battle.

Why do we do this? Because our brains are structured on the fight or flight response, and automatically provides us with a counter aggression response.

Well, you are going to say: if this is the natural way our brain reacts, it must be the good one, right?

Not necessarily! Too many times we misinterpret something said as an offense against us, or proceed based on our fears without enough information….

Fighting fire with fire is automatic, but deprives us of the power of really, really, managing the interaction. We are rendered hostages to anyone who wants to fight with us, be it convenient or not for ourselves.

Perhaps you are open to another proposal: this one that says that escalation will not get your needs fulfilled. As much as you can yell at your husband to make him understand how frustrated are you with him; or how much he can slam the door to stop your “nasty demands,” this aggressive counter-attack will release the anger but get you far from any satisfaction of your needs.

Especially if you are hurting because your needs for love and connection are not fulfilled, they are going to be even worst attended after escalating the aggressive interaction!

In the end, we are not obligated to answer fire with fire; it continues to be a personal choice the way we respond. It is always my choice how I respond to situations, because no amount of “fighting” or negative response will change the truth of the situation: that my real power consists in changing myself, and choosing my responses.

When I recover my own personal power, I can select another option: one that says that I’m free to not answer with more aggression. Of course, to do that, I need to control my emotions, recover a rhythm of breathing that will calm my automatic response to fight, and position myself as an observer.

What do I see? My loved one and I, and also see a clear picture of the interaction between us: This lovely couple, otherwise very loving and happy are embroiled now in this nasty dispute…are they really hurting each other? Can I see it as an exercise of testing each other’s limits; of learning how to express requests for love and support in a productive way instead of hurling insults?

A compassionate view of both of you, escalating a dispute because both need support and love from each other can help you to finally say:

Wait, what is that we want to get from each other? Is yelling at each other the best way? When we are done yelling, is it true that we still need to learn how to express our needs in such a way as the other can hear us?

Next time you see a fight coming your way, control your breathing, smile and say: “Can we sit down and have a nice conversation about your needs and mine? Where we can respect each other and listen? Now, tell me what is upsetting you so much!”

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Technorati Tags: aggression, attitude change, confrontation, Emotional Abuse, emotions, feelings, fight, frustration, healthy relationships, recognition, Self-Esteem, Silence