It’s the shock a woman feels the first time he screams, calls her a name or insults her. He is angry, shouting and facing her down with his entire wrath. Let’s remember this shock; the first sign that the promise of marriage (“to be together to love and respect each other”) was not taken seriously, but were only words.

As a spouse, you have to feel shocked, hurt and totally blindsided by his attack. There is no way we can cover up and deny the total effect of this aggression on us. It is sudden, unexpected, and leaves us with a sour taste afterwards… how do we make sense of this aggression in the midst of a marriage we believe “reasonably happy”?

How to recover the lost sense of security from being with him, when you don’t know if this terrible anger episode will repeat itself?
What if he is harboring a LOT of anger against you, and he is unable to process and release it? You don’t want to consider this possibility!

Almost by mandate, we immediately try to forget the incident or make excuses for his behavior to cover it up.

Why would a spouse cover up this abusive behavior?

It is too big a signal that there are huge hidden personality issues not recognized, but working underneath. Either because there is fear of the unknown aspects, or inability to discuss them; we choose denial and cover up by saying: “he was stressed out, too tired, under a lot of pressure, etc.”

This is the first mistake of an emotionally abusive relationship: not taking this violation of interpersonal limits seriously. Without that, taking care of healing the verbal and emotional abuse impact is not taken seriously, either.

By staying passive and not drawing a line, you are sending him the message that says it is ‘OK’ to treat you this way. You tell him that he has not crossed your boundaries in a way that is not acceptable, and give him permission to do it again. And he will… The more deep interpretation of this interaction can be this:

- He is yelling at you;
- You accept, understand him and forgive him;
- He is testing your limits, seeing how far he can go dominating you with his anger or cold anger explosions;
- You show that there are no protective limits around your self; you show yourself to be weak and not self-protective.
-He feels it as a one-upmanship game: how far can he go putting you down up until you react?

Let’s see how far down can she go? And he ups the ante with the violence. You think you are showing him love by staying put; he sees only one thing, you are just as weak and pathetic as he thought you were.

The truth is that his behavior shows that he has an internal problem of self-control and respect for others and you can’t fix it by staying. There is no amount of “love” you can give him that will solve this challenge; he needs to work at self-control and respect everybody, not only you.

In your marriage, it ‘never’ gets better and it ‘will’ get worse.You have to trust that the ‘first shock’ is the right answer, stop the denial and act on it by leaving. Either you continue or not the relationship, this is the only unequivocal message that tells him: “Abuse is NOT allowed here.”

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Isn’t it wonderful how we submit to the pixie dust of year end’s magic? besides running here and there to present our best image, our best table and food, our best dress, house, etc, we also enter into a magic territory when it is necessary to design vital goals for us. Because? Just because now, only now, there is an open door to making them happen!

Yeah, right.

Year after year we have promised ourselves to exercise more, eat better and fight fair with our loved ones. It’s not that we ignore the improvement areas in our lives, far from that! Is that it looks more and more like a dialogue of deaf people, an impossible conversation between out higher self images, provided by the more developed parts of our brain, and an old, reptilian core of primitive survival forces located at the base of our head.

We, rational beings, know exactly how much good it would do us to keep an exercise structure…and cherish this wish as if we had an only rational decision-maker in our brain. What is what we deny or ignore? Other parts of our brain…

Even when we don’t know it, we are split and two parts of our brain compete for dominance. Facing a threat to the status quo, your reptilian brain reacts automatically to this planned change as an imaginary attack to the status quo.  What are the choices that the rational, thinking cortex has of winning and imposing an excellent program of exercise over this primal resistance? Almost zero.

The brain stem is the oldest and smallest region in the evolving human brain. It evolved hundreds of millions of years ago and is more like the entire brain of present-day reptiles. For this reason, it is often called the ‘reptilian brain’. Group of cells in the brain stem determine the brain’s general level of alertness and regulate the vegetative processes of the body such as breathing and heartbeat.  It’s concerned with fundamental needs such as survival, physical maintenance, hoarding, dominance, preening and mating. The basic ruling emotions of love, hate, fear, lust, and contentment are generated from this first stage of the brain.

Everything else, (including our self improvement plans) the reptilian brain ignores or leaves behind.

How can you convince your primitive brain that losing weight and starting a running program will be beneficial? Not with logic, of course! The primitive brain continues to feel only basic emotions….so you need to make a nice package:

Wanna change a big part of your personality, like beginning therapy, stoping smoking or controlling anger in your relationship? These are major changes, so you need to plan for the component of seducing your older brain into loving the new activity.

~Convince yourself that you are not changing your life because of running, you are only “adding up to life maintenance routines” feel proud about that;

~Remember the previous (and smaller) behaviors in each time of your life (like when you did learn meditation), recover that attitude and then teach yourself anger management techniques…they are only a continuation of what your brain already knows!

~ In short, you are embracing the basic brain reactions, and building upon them, not uprooting them. We yield to our primitive, survival emotions by accepting them and building upon them…Nothing wrong to include a plan to deal with our basic resistance while dreaming with new behaviors promised in our new year resolutions, but keep in touch with your reptilian core…and throw it a bone! Otherwise, your dreams will go up in smoke as last year!

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation at Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

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Technorati Tags: anger, attitude change, confrontation, critique, emotions, feelings, fight, frustration, happiness, healthy relationships

What are some rules that we recommend?

Well, for intense emotional issues and conflicts, there are two rules that we think are non-negotiable – you can’t go without them.

• Confrontation is by appointment only. Conflicts can occur at any time, we know. However, there is a time and a place for discussing problems and issues that are bothering us (i.e., McDonalds over lunch is not one of them). All parties should agree to briefly describe the problem, then make plans for when is a good time for all to talk. This can be as simple as saying, “I’d like to talk about what happened just now. Can we speak at home?”
• Everybody has the right to a time-out. Sometimes things get out of control when emotions like anger or fear escalate. Realize that every person has the right to feel overwhelmed, and the right to ask for a break to calm down and recollect. However, it also that person’s responsibility to make clear when you will reconvene (minutes or days later).

Need more ideas about coming up with family rules? It may help to divide into a few categories: rules that keep the conversation constructive, rules to handle disruptive emotions like anger, rules to improve communication, and how-to rules for reaching solutions that please both parties.

Here are some good examples of rules that pertain to the first category – maintaining constructive conflict:

• Confrontation by appointment only – we talked about this one. Just as a reminder, don’t make an appointment to sit down and talk right before bed, work or school.  There should be enough time to both talk out the issue and mentally unwind afterward.
• Optimal location – location has a lot to do with how constructive the confrontation is. A lot of interruptions will impede the flow of ideas, so pick a quiet place. Avoid the bedroom, which should stay associated with peace and rest. A good place to talk about issues is a calm, neutral, pleasing place. Moving while you talk can keep endorphins going at a nice pace, so a park is often a good place to go. If all else fails, phone conversations can remove a physical space that feels threatening.
• Start on a kind foot – Show your desire for mutual respect and peace by taking their hand, offering a gift or compliment, or anything that you feel is appropriate to diminish hostility. Just don’t go overboard into making it seem like a bribe! Your main objective is to show that you are opening the conversation on a sure ground by professing that you want to protect your relationship’s underlying values. In short: you are saying: we want to improve the good relationship we already have…

Need help creating rules for conflict in the other categories, like reaching workplace resolutions? Visit our conflict coach today to receive a free consultation. Coach Nora can send you on your way to a healthy relationship in no time at all!

Technorati Tags: angry husband, appreciation, attitude change, Cold Shoulder, conflict, conflict coach, conflict resolution, conflict rules, confrontation, control, emotions, feelings, fight, frustration, happiness, Healthy Marriage, healthy relationships, negative emotions, Relationships, respect, Self-Esteem, understanding

So what about getting defensive? Does that go against the natural program of love-seeking? Surprisingly enough, no.

When couples fight over silly things and become defensive (even though they don’t need to), there is an underlying reason for it. We may not realize it during a fight, but we pick up on things and fight over them because we are each concerned about our role in the relationships we are in. When a partner comments about something small, the other may become defensive, scared that this means they are a “bad” partner or that their partner loves them less. Sounds silly, right? But we all do it!

Beyond that, there are also subconscious questions buzzing in our minds when we fight over small things, make them look bigger, or become defensive. In these altercations, what we’re really saying and asking each other is:

• Are you accessible when I reach out to you?
• Will you respond to my needs and requests?
• Are you engaged in our relationship?

In other words, “Will you be there for me when I need you?” This is the basic question of attachment. Deep down, we all have these insecurities, and it’s reflected in the way we interact with others, especially significant others. It’s almost like our brains are telling us, “Fight! Then you will know if they love you!”

What does this mean for couples in a strained relationship, or a relationship where the love is “dying”?

Are you and your partner trying to avoid conflict, thinking that this is the best way to keep a relationship “safe”? Think about what we just said about conflict. If, during conflict, our brains are using conflict to find out whether to other person is really committed, why would we give that up? Healthy conflict that respects boundaries can help couples air problems, reach out to one another, reveal true needs, and test their commitment to each other and the relationship. In other words, if you pretend there are no problems, how can you know whether the two of you are willing to heal it? A couple that never fights never learns to love each other more deeply.

Protect the love and commitment in your relationship by accepting conflict as a normal part of life, and determine to handle it in a healthy way. In many ways, fighting is just our brains’ way of re-connecting with other people!

If you need help learning how to fight to protect (not harm!) the love in your relationship, our Conflict Coach can help you do just that. Visit the Conflict Coach today to receive your free coaching session.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation (by clicking here), with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

Technorati Tags: appreciation, conflict, conflict resolution, emotions, feelings, fight, happiness, Healthy Marriage, healthy relationships, Relationships, respect, understanding

By MARIE HARTWELL-WALKER, ED.D.

For some people, this is a truly radical idea: There is no need to fight with your partner. Ever. Accusations, recriminations, character assassination, threats, name-calling, and cursing, whether delivered at top volume or with a quiet sarcastic sneer, damage a relationship, often irrevocably. Nobody needs to be a monster or to be treated monstrously. Nobody who yells will ever be heard. In the heat of a moment, it is always a choice whether to go for a run or run your partner down.

On the other hand, no two people in the world, no matter how made for each other they feel, will ever agree about everything at all times. (It would be quite boring if they did.) Couples do need to be able to negotiate differences. They do need to have room for constructive criticism. They do need a way to assert opinions and to disagree. And they do need to have a way to express intense feelings (that the other person may not understand or support) without feeling that they will be judged as lacking for doing so. READ MORE HERE:

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2008/10-rules-for-friendly-fighting-for-couples/

Technorati Tags: anger, appreciation, conflict, conflict resolution, confrontation, control, critique, fight, forgiveness, humiliation, passive aggressive, reconciliation

In other words, that our partner doesn’t show enough appreciation. Yet those who complaint about this are perpetrators as well! There is a certain degree of the “mirror-effect” in relationships… if you complain about your partner, chances are that you will be criticized in return and things will start to get sour. But if you praise and recognize your partner’s virtues, you will be flattered in return and things will remain in good terms.

It is true that it is easier to focus on the negative and not mention the positive. After all, we have been trained to pick out mistakes since childhood (remember those exercises where you had to choose which item did “not belong” to the group?), and most professions require us to constantly use our critical skills to find faults and blunders that could, say, bring a project or a budget to pieces.

But this education and professional upbringing is detrimental to our relationships because when it comes to people and relationships it should be the other way around: we choose each other because we all want and need someone else who can be for us “warts and all;” who can accept and appreciate all of our aspects; an attitude that is  generally called love. But when the person that is supposed to accept us as we are tries to begin the project of improving his or her partner by pointing out whatever faults he or she has, then that person feels unaccepted evaluated in a negative manner; in other words, unloved.

Remember that whatever you focus on, tends to take center stage: if you focus on a negative trait of your partner, like her tendency to be late for appointments and dates, then this trait will become prevalent and negate the perception of other positive traits that attracted you to her before. So let’s begin:

• Every time you need to talk about some changes needed, begin recollecting the good things done;
• Try to find a positive thing to comment on daily;
• Don’t you dare to mention negative aspects without talking about how good the positive ones are, first.
• If the results are awful, praise the good intention;
• Be very creative and find unexpected aspects to praise: a busy person that accomplishes everything could be praised for her constant smile, or her good disposition even along the busiest day;
• Don’t be mean, don’t link praise with immediate critique: “you did well, but forgot this part.” In this case, the “but” will cancel the praise. The two propositions don’t need to be linked.

To keep your marriage healthy and happy through the years, remember that you need to produce 5 positive appreciations for each critical comment offered to your partner. A higher rate of appreciation has been proven to guarantee long-lasting marriages!

Apply these techniques for a while and you will see a change in the quality of your relationships, having more trust, and pleasure in the mutual company.

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing Conflict Coach opportunities, along with blog updates, news, and more!

Technorati Tags: appreciation, critique, feelings, fight, Healthy Marriage, healthy relationships, isolation, love, recognition, respect, Self-Esteem

Any relationship is an implicit contract in which both individuals promise to help each other get satisfaction to some of the needs we all have. We need to help people find new ways to meet their personal needs in ways that will serve them and others in the long term.

From that neutral point of view, is that we offer this definition:

Given that people don’t know how to identify their own human needs and how to negotiate with others needs’ satisfaction, thus they need to fight with each other. Conflict is a learning experience, because:

• Is a way of interaction with each other by which we attempt to clarify our own needs;
• We explore the relationship limits, especially those related to how much it provides both parties with needs satisfaction.

Conflict creation involves either creating or responding to challenges, and so it is the main tool to get variety in our lives. What kind of variety? Here is the important distinction: it has to be from the kind of variety that makes us grow… in the right direction.

A conflict that challenges our need for love and connection has the risk of making us feel rejected and lonely. Perhaps the challenge is to learn how to process social isolation while reinforcing self-esteem? No one but the person undergoing this challenge can know.

What we do know is that we all need to navigate times when things don’t go as we planned them to be, when expectations are foiled and frustration of basic needs is the main threat. It is here that we need positive conflict strategies!

Positive conflict defines a process involving self-discovery, needs discovery, and reciprocal trade-offs, so both parties are satisfied with what they obtain beyond learning how to manage a good, respectful process.

Negative conflict is confrontation between people who don’t know how to express what they need. nor how to negotiate satisfiers for their needs. The end result is not learning but only venting caused by needs and frustration.

Moreover, it is called negative conflict because it has to recur as many times as necessary for both sides to learn what the other side’s needs are, and to begin offering something to the other to fulfill these needs!

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing Conflict Coach sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more!

Technorati Tags: appreciation, conflict resolution, confrontation, control, feelings, fight, frustration, growth, human needs, isolation, loneliness, love, recognition, Relationships, respect, Self-Esteem

Though the question is hard, maybe even confrontational, it is important to remember that everyone has points in their lives where they need to sit down and evaluate their roles, performance, and habits. Start by evaluating the relationship between yourself and your boss.

Here, we will address the signs of a difficult boss. If the signs are unfamiliar, perhaps the next step is to look for patterns in your own work ethic.

Lack of experience – many people find it hard to work under someone who got their position because of education, knowing the right people, etc. It means that they did not spend years climbing the ladder or struggling for a position. As such, a boss who does not deserve their position may ask you to do things they themselves don’t know how to do.

Unfortunately, that causes them to have twisted expectations of time. They may ask you to do a task in 30 minutes, not realizing (because they’ve never done it) that the task actually takes 3 hours.

Takes credit for your work – this is self-explanatory. If your boss or coworker takes the credit for something you did, you have an unhealthy situation. A good boss is willing to spread the credit around, because it builds confidence and trust among employees.

Blames you for mistakes – although a difficult boss will take credit, they will also lay blame, perhaps because they’ve been put on the spot and don’t want to look bad. Ideally, a boss should accept any mistakes made in the office as their responsibility – after all, they were in charge. Whatever reprimands happen later is between you and your boss, but a level of respect and confidentiality should always be maintained.

Lastly, a good boss encourages you to grow professionally. They see your success as their success. Alternatively, a difficult boss will think of their advancement first, choosing not to mentor or support employees in their own goals. Not only is it unkind toward your personal needs, it shows a lack of interest in the well-being and growth of the company.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Technorati Tags: anger, angry boss, bad boss, conflict, confrontation, control, fight, frustration, humiliation, respect, workplace anxiety

Winning means imposing their view, convincing the other person of his wrong ways, and having finally the last word. Finally, it becomes a form of control, and a power struggle.

How often have we seen people approach conflict situations with an aggressive, confrontational style that only exacerbates the problem? For them, attacking is the only way to solve a difference! Probably the results are more confrontation and frustration, and less resolution.

If you need to confront someone at work, and this person doesn’t take honest feedback very well, then you have a double problem:

a) How to communicate your request in a way they can hear it properly?

b) How to manage their emotions so you don’t get into a useless confrontation?

When the need to attack people (or defend yourself) arises, it is because we have been conditioned to see confrontation as a battle. Too many movies (and music, and shows) support the “it’s my way or the highway” message. Unfortunately, spreading that around just tells people that it’s okay to forget how to cooperate and deal with others with respect.

So how do we turn that defense/attack mechanism off? Let’s use constructive communication and “owning the problem.”

These are the basic points:

• Address the problem rather than attacking the other person’s behavior (“This is happening…” rather than “You are…”)
• Describe actions and situations (“We are falling behind in our delivery time”) rather than judging the person,
• Be specific about occurrences (“It happened the last three consecutive Fridays”) rather than general patterns,
• Follow this line of discussion and avoid being side tracked;
• Keep saying that you want a two-way discussion.

Owning the problem means that you tell the situation from the impact it has on you.

When you need to confront a party that has done something that causes frustration, disappointment or any kind of displeasure for you, you can think of that displeasure as your problem because you are the one experiencing it.

Here is the way to do it:

Ask for a time when there is peace and quiet; so you can deal with the person without witness;

Then, express some appreciation at the beginning:

“I see the way you deliver x, and I’m very happy with what you do.”

Describe the impact of the problem:

In my experience, “delays on Fridays are causing this problem for my schedule”

Invite the other side to provide solutions.

Close the conversation by reminding both of you of the point agreed on:

“So, we have decided that if you see a problem which could cause a delay, your first task is to let me know so we can work on a solution together, right?”

This is the basis for a next, incoming conversation, if the agreement doesn’t hold, so you can use this phrase to begin the new conversation about this person not fulfilling his side. The tone of voice has to be calm, secure and definitive.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Technorati Tags: appreciation, attitude change, conflict, confrontation, critique, feelings, fight, healthy relationships, humiliation, reconciliation, resilience, respect, understanding

“Fight fire with fire”
“The best defense is a good attack”

Most of your experiences teach you to respond to other person’s perceived attack with another attack, so the dispute instead of being resolved escalates to a real battle.

Why do we do this? Because our brains are structured on the fight or flight response, and automatically provides us with a counter aggression response.

Well, you are going to say: if this is the natural way our brain reacts, it must be the good one, right?

Not necessarily! Too many times we misinterpret something said as an offense against us, or proceed based on our fears without enough information….

Fighting fire with fire is automatic, but deprives us of the power of really, really, managing the interaction. We are rendered hostages to anyone who wants to fight with us, be it convenient or not for ourselves.

Perhaps you are open to another proposal: this one that says that escalation will not get your needs fulfilled. As much as you can yell at your husband to make him understand how frustrated are you with him; or how much he can slam the door to stop your “nasty demands,” this aggressive counter-attack will release the anger but get you far from any satisfaction of your needs.

Especially if you are hurting because your needs for love and connection are not fulfilled, they are going to be even worst attended after escalating the aggressive interaction!

In the end, we are not obligated to answer fire with fire; it continues to be a personal choice the way we respond. It is always my choice how I respond to situations, because no amount of “fighting” or negative response will change the truth of the situation: that my real power consists in changing myself, and choosing my responses.

When I recover my own personal power, I can select another option: one that says that I’m free to not answer with more aggression. Of course, to do that, I need to control my emotions, recover a rhythm of breathing that will calm my automatic response to fight, and position myself as an observer.

What do I see? My loved one and I, and also see a clear picture of the interaction between us: This lovely couple, otherwise very loving and happy are embroiled now in this nasty dispute…are they really hurting each other? Can I see it as an exercise of testing each other’s limits; of learning how to express requests for love and support in a productive way instead of hurling insults?

A compassionate view of both of you, escalating a dispute because both need support and love from each other can help you to finally say:

Wait, what is that we want to get from each other? Is yelling at each other the best way? When we are done yelling, is it true that we still need to learn how to express our needs in such a way as the other can hear us?

Next time you see a fight coming your way, control your breathing, smile and say: “Can we sit down and have a nice conversation about your needs and mine? Where we can respect each other and listen? Now, tell me what is upsetting you so much!”

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Technorati Tags: aggression, attitude change, confrontation, Emotional Abuse, emotions, feelings, fight, frustration, healthy relationships, recognition, Self-Esteem, Silence