But what about group interaction? As humans, we have a foundational need to belong to the group – which group you want to belong to, you decide, but you still have a need for company. When we are excluded or “ostracized” in any interaction, it strikes a blow to our self-esteem. This even includes interactions with strangers, such as networking seminars for work, group activities at school, blind dates or any other point where we might be rejected by a stranger. It is also devastating on youngsters; the impact of school bullying, where one person is selected to be rejected by a group of peers, has long lasting effects on self-esteem.

Of course, being rejected by a loved one or family member can be even more painful.

You might already know that passive aggressive behavior often revolves around avoiding rejection – the emotion is so painful that it calls for hurting others first. But even if you’re not passive aggressive, you know what it’s like to be rejected, and you probably subconsciously avoid the emotion. According to Kipling D. Williams, a Purdue University expert, ostracism can cause pain that often is deeper and lasts longer than a physical injury; he calls it an “invisible form of bullying.”

What happens in the brain when we’re rejected? Interestingly, the part of our brains that register physical pain also feel the sting of emotional pain like rejection.

Studies have shown that there is no one personality that is more or less susceptible to rejection and its damaging effects – it happens to all of us. Some of us may cope with rejection differently, however; we may try harder to be included by being more obliging and doing extra favors. Or, we may try to get attention by provoking others or even being aggressive. In extreme situations, continually being rejected can lead us to become overall less friendly and more aggressive to people, acting out on the sadness and pain that we’re feeling. Imagine having an intense wound that rude people kept poking their fingers in – wouldn’t you be angry and stop trusting those who approach saying “I’m only here to help”?

Anyone who is in this situation should know that there is always help out there for those willing to seek it. Even just a wise friend can help you, or a supportive coach. Another tip is to analyze carefully who you’re trying to be included with – are those you’re trying to impress promoting unhealthy ways of life and communication? Remember that your best bet at having a happy life is to surround yourself with others who are accepting and supportive – not negative and harsh.

And of course – remember that you can reject others, too, and cause them pain. Be aware of both your own emotions and those of others in order to put a stop to the vicious cycle of rejecting others by impulse to hurt, without thinking about the pain inflicted.

Do you need help learning how to cope with rejection, or how to know if you are rejecting others without realizing it? A Conflict Coach can help you here, with lessons and tips that will be useful to you in healing. Please visit Conflict Coach today to learn more.

Technorati Tags: abuse, belonging, brain, bullying, communication, Emotional Abuse, emotional needs, emotional pain, interaction, ostracization, ostracized, rejected, rejection, relationship conflict, Relationships, Self-Esteem

However, is it possible that there is also such a thing as a “good” enemy? If so, can a bad enemy be turned into a good one?

Let’s remember what a marriage is. It’s a process, an agreement. Both sides agree to develop as individuals while also connecting with each other. In this way, each grow as separate human beings, but they grow (or at least try to) at the same pace and they grow in the same relationship. However, we know this isn’t always how it works out: often, the rate of growth becomes uneven, and both partners try to manage their differences in opinion, understanding, and perception (individual growth) without challenging the union that they’re trying to uphold.

That’s where the fights and arguments come in; they come with the territory of any relationship. Not only are they caused by different patterns of growth and understanding, conflicts are also essential to that growth itself. However, some relationships quickly fall into trouble if one or neither of the partners is at the point where they can handle that conflict in the right way. You need to learn how to be a good enemy, so you can confront yourself and your partner with the truth of your own reality, emotions and needs.

Thus, we can say that passive aggression is the “bad” enemy approach to conflict and growth. Passive aggression demands a reaction to conflict that deals with denial, retreat and sabotage. Being a “good” enemy demands a reaction to conflict that learns and creates growth.

So what behaviors does a “good” enemy have? Yes, you’re right in thinking, “Whatever the opposite of passive aggression is!” But let’s be a little more specific and break it down.

Do you avoid confrontation, escape from legitimate arguments or outright reject you partner’s arguments? That’s being a bad enemy.

If you fight your battles looking only at your self-interest, forgetting that you are part of a couple, and answering fire with fire, or all you care about is your self-defense, or if you are too proud or stubborn to admit your share of the troubles, that also makes you a bad enemy.

On the other hand, a good enemy does not avoid any arguments, but listens and makes an effort to understand the conflicting situation from the other side’s perspective. If you have strength of character and abundance of patience, you will be able to listen carefully and with enough respect as to make your partner deeply understood.

If you are able to tolerate the voices, the cries or the attacks, and keep asking for the causes of the anger, then you are able to determine what your partner is crying out for, perhaps because there is a felt need for contact or because the loneliness is expressing itself…

Signs of being a good enemy to your partner:

- You always remember how important is for your partner to feel good about himself each day;

- You are able to offer an apology and thus break communication barriers;

- You praise your partner whenever contributing positive ideas;

- You recognize and accept your shortcomings and think of ways for you to becoming a better partner;

- You treat your partner with respect and dignity at all times, even when you are raging mad at him/her.

The skills of a good enemy are:

- Never escalate the anger and the screaming;

- Deal with the problems in an easy, calm and self-empowered manner;

- Focus and remember the positive aspects that enhance the relationship;

- Be able to control situations, know when to stop and to say enough;

- Be able to make solid decisions, and sacrifice your self-interest.

You must also understand that in your relationship, to have it surviving and growing you should always work through your problems and settle your differences in a cooperative way. We said before that this does require patience and practice, and if you feel that your skills in this “good” enemy arena are not up to par, we can help!

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having  a conflict coach session, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

Technorati Tags: anger, angry husband, conflict resolution, confrontation, Emotional Abuse, frustration, humiliation, resilience, Self-Esteem

We are now watching this information about a whole society filled with Wounded Children (the name we use here in this blog to name adults carrying around their own, repressed ACEs) doing the best they can to survive the wounds of their childhood, that are produced in and by people in their most significant relationships.

The same place where our birth places us is the home that will give us any one of the adverse experiences listed below,  and in this way will put limits to our future possibility for happiness…

It is highly possible that our parents, by allowing any ACE to happen, are only reproducing the painful conditions of their own childhood; but the reality of us transmitting such pain to the new generations is very difficult to accept.

The ACE Study is an ongoing collaboration between the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and Kaiser Permanente. It is perhaps  the largest scientific research study of its kind, showing a direct, causal relationship between nine categories of adverse childhood experience:

• physical abuse;
• emotional abuse;
• sexual abuse;
• an alcohol and/or drug abuser in the household;
• an incarcerated household member;
• living with someone who is chronically depressed, mentally ill, institutionalized, or suicidal;
• witnessing domestic violence against the mother;
• parental discord indicated by divorce, separation, abandonment;
• emotional or physical neglect

The presence of each one of the Adverse Childhood Experiences determines at least 18 physical, mental and behavioral health outcomes. If you are brave enough, can you identify how many of those experiences were there, in your home when you were growing up?

The more ACEs people have had in their formative years, the higher the rate of mental, physical, behavioral disease and disability in the population, including higher rates of chronic disease, low educational achievement and increased violence.

In the words of the Adverse Childhood Experiences Study authors:

“The ACE Study reveals a powerful relationship between our emotional experiences as children and our physical and mental health as adults, as well as the major causes of adult mortality in the United States.

It documents the conversion of traumatic emotional experiences in childhood into organic disease later in life. How does this happen, this reverse alchemy, turning the gold of a newborn infant into the lead of a depressed, diseased adult?

The Study makes it clear that time does not heal some of the adverse experiences we found so common in the childhoods of a large population of middle-aged, middle class Americans. One does not ‘just get over’ some things, not even fifty years later.”

Whatever we can plan or imagine that would improve relationships in the home, is adding to the possibility that any newborn could have the whole deck of healthy possibilities allowed for his/her future.

http://www.heraldnet.com/article/20110514/OPINION03/705149995

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation (by clicking here), with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

Technorati Tags: aggression, anger, conflict, domestic violence, Emotional Abuse, frustration, healthy relationships, humiliation, isolation, loneliness, love, negative emotions, Relationships, respect, Self-Esteem

• Are you accessible when I try to reach out to you?
• Will you be responsive to my needs?
• Are you committed to this relationship?

In other words, beneath the content of words spoken in fights, partners are looking for answers to questions of:

• Are you there for me?
• Are you emotionally present?
• Do you see, value and love me?

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more!

Technorati Tags: appreciation, attitude change, conflict resolution, confrontation, control, critique, Emotional Abuse, forgiveness, happiness, Healthy Marriage, hidden anger, love, recognition

These are all normal reactions, as most conflicts are uncomfortable, anxiety-filled situations. However, there are some tricks and tips that can keep you focused and calm during a conflict. The calmer you are, the better you are positioned to defend yourself, reach an agreement, or solve a problem.

Look at your goals; maybe there are some you have made that you still need to pursue. Is there something you really want, or want to see change, that hasn’t been finished because you’re afraid of the conflict involved? If so, keep those things that are worth fighting for at the front of your mind. Don’t let yourself say, “Oh, I’ll get what I want some other day.” You can achieve it today, with a little push and determination. Can you make a list of those important goals now?

Now that you know which goals you are going to pursue, let’s review the skills you need to achieve them. What are those skills?

Making the right questions:

Don’t try to read anyone’s mind. It may seem scary to think you are going to interrupt someone by saying, “What did you mean by….?” However, asking for clarification is the best way to not only smooth the situation, but also to give you a sense of power and control. Otherwise, it is one sided –you listen, and the other person rants. It may also make you feel better, to learn that someone didn’t mean it the way they said it.

Be clear about your right to pursue your goal

Try to think of it as “negotiation,” not “conflict.” When you think of it this way, you tell yourself that you have a stake in the outcome, and thus, you have a right to have your ideas heard, and your needs expressed. Again, telling yourself you have rights and a voice is a great way to make you feel empowered.

Develop a thick skin

If you feel oppressed, ridiculed, or abused in any way, it’s important to take a step back, ask for a breather or a moment alone. Think carefully about the situation, and ask yourself whether you are overreacting, or whether there is more to it. If you consider that there are some indications of emotional abuse included in the tug of war of the negotiation, ask yourself: Is it worth the price if I get what I want? Can I take this way of talking to me as only a trick to get me back off, and ignore it? If you can’t take a bit of pressure from the other side, the other side will know where to pressure you to give in! Smile and keep asking for what you want loud and clear.

Everybody wins

Remember that the idea of conflict is communication –not control. When you are confronted about your behavior, or you confront someone else, the point is not for someone to be the “winner” or the one with more power. The point is merely to have problems addressed and hopefully worked out. Whether those problems are fully solved or not, you should still walk away feeling respect towards the other person, and in turn, respected by them. So, avoid humiliating or attacking the other side, keep acting respectful and gracious, and say: “No need here to leave with the shorter end of the stick…I want for us two to get a solution we both agree on”

Sometimes taking this perspective is well received by the other side; sometimes is not, and you can be seen as a wimp…People sometimes believe that “winning” is humiliating and destroying the other side; so here and now you are teaching the other side a lesson on reciprocal respect. If no appellation works, and the other side is bent on total war and humiliation, then is time to walk out and decide that getting what you want is not worth the price of being humiliated. Walk away saying: “This is not the way I wish for us to deal with each other. Perhaps next time you can listen to what I want and talk to me with respect. I will be waiting”

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more!

Technorati Tags: aggression, attitude change, conflict, confrontation, critique, Emotional Abuse, emotions, feelings, respect, Self-Esteem

Our frame of thinking and general attitude on life determines how satisfied we will feel and how successful we will become. A person who has a positive expectation about life in general, will behave accepting what life offers as an endless learning opportunity. This person will function in a more relaxed, calm and efficient way than someone who is apprehensive and fearful, always looking for the negative event he needs to prevent from and protect from, and accepts naturally a degree of failure as a normal happenstance.

Of course, our frame of expectations towards life is dependent on our previous experiences. If we were protected, helped and nurtured, we will see the universe as a peaceful entity, ready to give us what we need or deserve… If we have been frustrated and grew up in a scarcity environment, then we will look at life with dread expecting any next setback to produce serious damage to our life.

Not only does our attitude affect us, it also affects those around us, in short our mood modifies our environment. All this explanation is to say that developing and keeping a positive outlook is essential if we wish to lead a positive and fulfilling life.

Once we realize how important it is to take care of a negative outlook in life, we need to find a way to change it. There are many ways in which we can develop a more positive mindset, if we want to. We can begin to change how we think and feel about many situations that we encounter in day-to-day living. Changing attitude and not slipping back into negative thinking will take time and serious efforts,  but eventually the new mindset will become second nature.

This is the process to change your mindset:

1. Be aware of your negative thoughts; and practice on a daily basis on becoming more and more aware. When you set a goal for yourself, focus on completing one task at a time and think only of a positive outcome for it and experience the positive feelings related to task completion. Probably there will be some doubts about your capacity to finish, but don’t get scared so easily and keep going.
2. Watch out when you begin conversations using negative comments, and don’t allow others around you to talk in those terms. Find the good aspect hidden in everything and any situation.
3. Praise others’ positive actions; be fast in recognizing the merits of tasks well done.
4. Whatever you are doing in your day-to-day life, keep watching out for negative thoughts that put your resolve in jeopardy. Find the silver lining in any challenge!
5. Be patient with setbacks; you have been thinking in a negative way for too long…if you catch yourself saying some negativity, ask yourself: What good result can come from this situation?

You will find over time that many areas of your life can be improved just by changing your mindset from a negative one to a positive. You will find that your self-esteem improves, you become more confident in being able to achieve your goals, you feel happier than before, and your relationships improve! These are just a few of the areas where you can transform your life by learning to behave from a more positive mindset and thus build up a more happy life!

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Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more!

Are you ready to take action and feel happy, strong, and in control of your life?

Click Here For Your  Free 30 Minutes Coaching Session,

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Technorati Tags: attitude change, conflict resolution, Emotional Abuse, emotions, feelings, happiness, happy life, isolation, loneliness, negative emotions, positive emotions, respect, Self-Esteem, understanding

This is what happened yesterday: in a general store, getting things for my kitchen, all the decor was full with different kinds of red hearts…Of course! It’s Valentine’s Day!….

Suddenly I found myself grabbing one of the balloons…and my left hand felt curiously small, kind of tiny…it would not let the balloon go as I went through the cashier. She rang everything up and I found myself walking out with a gorgeous red balloon with the “I love you” message screaming across it.

My rational mind asking: what’s going on here? why did you buy this balloon? who is this balloon for?

And the answer was loud and clear:  this balloon is for my inner child…Of course! she needs to hear from me, her adult self, that I cherish her!

As I never forgot her completely, but went through periods in which I could only remember the painful parts of her life I wanted so much to forget, now I have a better picture. I can see all her creativity, her survival skills deploying under extreme duress, emotional abuse and lack of appreciation. I can see her resourcefulness to find small joys in a bleak childhood, which translated into being a smart survivor now…

And this is a good opportunity to tell her, with all my love, that I recognize her, appreciate her tenacity and ability to resist oppression without denying the joys of life. She was a joyful survivor, never a bitter one. Always finding in a bit of sunshine, a flower, or a smile, the energy to keep living, learning and dreaming a better future…Of course you are my Valentine!

To my inner child, now I’m sending this loving Valentine; you deserve it more than anybody else. Wherever the alternative time you are in now, you are in my heart, always…thanks for surviving everything and bringing me here and now!

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to http://conflictcoach.me

Technorati Tags: appreciation, attitude change, Emotional Abuse, feelings, happiness, healthy relationships, love, reconciliation, Self-Esteem

There are many steps you can take to stop allowing others to intimidate you. The first step you should take is to get a good look at yourself and determine what is there in your irrational, unhealthy way of thinking has allowed yourself to become intimidated by others. Did your parents tell you that authorities were always right and needed to be respected? Was it your inner fear of confrontation? Or fear of starting a conflict if that was needed to defend your rights?

If you think this might have been the case then you should take steps towards:

• Identify new healthier ways of thinking to help you overcome and respond to the intimidating factors.
• Display your new ways of thinking and acting to those who are intimidating you, this will show them that you are no longer willing to be intimidated by them.
• Develop ways of dealing with people in case they respond negatively to the new you – our blog has many, many postings on how to deal with conflict in all of its forms.
• See the consequences of your new assertive behavior
• Stick to your guns and accept whatever the consequences are of your new behavior – there may be costs to standing up for yourself, but you have to realize that it is more important to stick to your values than let them be taken away.

These steps take practice to achieve, and there may be times where you back track and your progress takes a hit. The important thing is to move forward from those times, eventually making great improvements from your old ways of thinking.

The next step to take once you have developed a strategy for dealing with those who intimidate you is to develop ways to reinforce your beliefs in the new, more positive and strong self-image. The easiest way is to use daily affirmations or positive self-talk. Examples of positive self-talk include:

• I am a good person, who is worthy and deserves to be treat with respect
• I will not put anyone in a superhuman position over me
• I will take my life back under my control from any who tries to intimidate me in the future
• I will not allow others to intimidate me
• There is no one out there who can intimidate me.

It pays to put some effort in building up our resistance to intimidation, because it will make our lives easier and conflict-free. There is no better feeling in life than knowing you are being treated exactly the way you need and deserve to be treated.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today, when you sign up to our blog and receive the ebook: Healthy Marriage.

Technorati Tags: abuse, anger, conflict resolution, Emotional Abuse, Healthy Marriage, healthy relationships, negative emotions, personal power, Relationships, respect, self-empowerment, Self-Esteem

Some people are not even aware that they are being intimidated, simply because they are used to an asymmetrical relationship, where someone assumes the right to boss the other around. Others suffer intimidation on a regular basis and realize that it is making their life a constant misery. You might even be the one who is intimidating others, without realizing it!

People who are constantly intimidated go through many negative feelings. In order to be able to deal successfully with intimidation you first have to understand what intimidation really is, because it can come in many disguises:

• Using force to get what you want from others
• Threatening to or using power and control to get others to do what you want
• Getting others to believe they are less powerful than you
• Threatening others with your size or strength to get them to do what you want
• Holding punishments over their head, such as being fired, spanking or divorce
• Being quick tempered, angry or getting into a rage with someone to get them to do what you want
• Behaving in a manner that has others frightened to step up to you
• Using your wealth to get others to do what you want
• Using racial or sexual slurs to diminish others

If you are managing your relationships by intimidation, it is a kind of emotional abuse of others; one that leaves your inner circle attached to you by fear, not by love. Is this what you want?

Perhaps you learned to behave this way when you were growing up, but now it is not the best way to relate; you now know that it has a heavy price to pay. Your loved ones will complain that you emotionally abuse them, and they will be unable to see your good intentions, concealed as they are by the perceived abusive control.
If you are the one being intimidated, the first step to healing from this is to recognize the behavior. Stop yourself and think, “Am I letting this person intimidate me? Am I once again giving up something I want for what they want instead?” Once you realize this, you can begin to reverse the behaviors you’ve learned over the years, the behaviors that have kept you in a weaker position than you ever need to be.

Have you recognized your situation? Are you ready for it to stop?

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Please tune in to our next post: How to Stop Your Partner’s Intimidation

Technorati Tags: abusive, abusive relationships, anger, attack, conflict resolution, Emotional Abuse, Healthy Marriage, healthy relationships, interpersonal, intimidation, negative emotions, personal power, Relationships, self-empowerment, Self-Esteem

“Fight fire with fire”
“The best defense is a good attack”

Most of your experiences teach you to respond to other person’s perceived attack with another attack, so the dispute instead of being resolved escalates to a real battle.

Why do we do this? Because our brains are structured on the fight or flight response, and automatically provides us with a counter aggression response.

Well, you are going to say: if this is the natural way our brain reacts, it must be the good one, right?

Not necessarily! Too many times we misinterpret something said as an offense against us, or proceed based on our fears without enough information….

Fighting fire with fire is automatic, but deprives us of the power of really, really, managing the interaction. We are rendered hostages to anyone who wants to fight with us, be it convenient or not for ourselves.

Perhaps you are open to another proposal: this one that says that escalation will not get your needs fulfilled. As much as you can yell at your husband to make him understand how frustrated are you with him; or how much he can slam the door to stop your “nasty demands,” this aggressive counter-attack will release the anger but get you far from any satisfaction of your needs.

Especially if you are hurting because your needs for love and connection are not fulfilled, they are going to be even worst attended after escalating the aggressive interaction!

In the end, we are not obligated to answer fire with fire; it continues to be a personal choice the way we respond. It is always my choice how I respond to situations, because no amount of “fighting” or negative response will change the truth of the situation: that my real power consists in changing myself, and choosing my responses.

When I recover my own personal power, I can select another option: one that says that I’m free to not answer with more aggression. Of course, to do that, I need to control my emotions, recover a rhythm of breathing that will calm my automatic response to fight, and position myself as an observer.

What do I see? My loved one and I, and also see a clear picture of the interaction between us: This lovely couple, otherwise very loving and happy are embroiled now in this nasty dispute…are they really hurting each other? Can I see it as an exercise of testing each other’s limits; of learning how to express requests for love and support in a productive way instead of hurling insults?

A compassionate view of both of you, escalating a dispute because both need support and love from each other can help you to finally say:

Wait, what is that we want to get from each other? Is yelling at each other the best way? When we are done yelling, is it true that we still need to learn how to express our needs in such a way as the other can hear us?

Next time you see a fight coming your way, control your breathing, smile and say: “Can we sit down and have a nice conversation about your needs and mine? Where we can respect each other and listen? Now, tell me what is upsetting you so much!”

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Technorati Tags: aggression, attitude change, confrontation, Emotional Abuse, emotions, feelings, fight, frustration, healthy relationships, recognition, Self-Esteem, Silence