In the Harvard Business Review Magazine, we found this article by Anne Morriss and others, who say that excessive focus on our own goals, interests and priorities is damaging to organizational objectives. In short, self-interest is not conducive to group success. Here is the quote:

“One leader we studied fell into this destructive behavior after a long, successful run at a number of software companies. Troy’s bosses had always valued his drive and accountability. But when customer complaints began pouring into the service division he was managing, he pinned the blame on the “mediocrity” of the product development division, claiming that his team had to support an inferior product.

Troy’s COO disagreed and began to hint that Troy’s job was on the line: After all, the complaints had started accumulating on his watch. To shore up his position, Troy started working to win over senior colleagues one by one—“picking them off,” as he put it—by asking for feedback on his performance. His strategy worked to some extent. Senior management recognized that he was committed to improving his leadership skills. But the customer service problems just got worse. People began trashing the company on influential blogs, and demands for refunds kept rising. The more Troy worked to save his job, the harder his job became.

Troy had a leadership breakthrough when one of his service representatives asked for help resolving the growing conflict with the product development team. The rep’s despair triggered a shift in Troy’s thinking—away from worrying about his own position and toward healing the split between the two divisions. Troy hosted a series of cross-team meetings and made sure that both groups felt heard. By the third meeting, the teams were brainstorming about ways to solve the service problem together, by improving the software and helping customers learn how to better use it.

Like other effective leaders, Troy changed his focus from protecting himself to supporting the members of his team and making sure that customers were happy. Within a few weeks, demands for refunds began to decrease, even though the company hadn’t yet made any upgrades to the product.

The decision to focus on others can feel dangerous. It forces you to take your eyes off your own welfare and to stop scanning the horizon for predators. Risk aversion is a protective mechanism wired into our DNA; that’s why security concerns generally trump impact. But all breakthrough leaders find ways to tame their security impulses. Most are amazed by the energy and meaning they discover when they no longer define themselves by their personal needs and fears.”

Quite a lesson. Being brave enough to think about the well-being of others (solving a conflict between team members) shifts the focus of this manager from his own goals, and even makes him take the such a risky position as being concerned about others!

It’s time that, even coming from very tame research papers from prestigious educational entities, we begin challenging the self-centered models that lead the social contract into failure and begin promoting more socially oriented mindsets. I’m glad to see that what redeems this manager is the always new and promising activity of peacemaking and conflict solving.

More information can be found at: http://hbr.org/2011/01/managing-yourself-stop-holding-yourself-back/ar/pr

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation at Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

 

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Technorati Tags: communication, conflict, conflict resolution, leaders, leadership, management, success, team building, teamwork, workplace communication, workplace conflict

After time and time again spent confronting others, we end up with a confrontational attitude, where we focus on the “I” versus “others”; “I will defend my rights,” “Nobody trespasses against me,” “I will get even.”

Sometimes this is the relationship model we learn at home; other times is the result of life experiences. Ultimately, there is no way we can get near others emotionally (and thus solve our needs) if we don’t confront this ‘either/or’ attitude. Why is this? Why is it so damaging to relationships?

Quite simply, this attitude divides the world as we see it in a polarity, where if one person is right, the other has to be wrong. This is one of the basic “flawed reasoning” types of logic that we force our brains (and other people) to conform to. In the real world, things are much more complex that we sometimes have the time or energy to deal with. However, that doesn’t change the fact that very few things are black and white, and we can get into trouble for assuming so.

What can you do if you are having trouble tolerating this complex thing called “multiple views”?

• Stop believing that your truth is the truth; what is true for you is not necessarily true for others.

• Stop insisting that other people must agree with you; it would be nice but disagreement is also OK. Sometimes, disagreeing with each other will lead to the inspiration of a new, improved, collaborated idea.

• Tell yourself that not every person will see things the way you do, even if you explain your perspective. Unless two people share the same brain, they do not often see things the exact same way. We each bring our own ideas, personalities and experiences to the table.

• With that in mind, you can stop invalidating other people’s experiences and opinions, just because they don’t align with yours.

• Take responsibility for yourself. You can’t always control what happens to you, yes; however, you can always control how you react. That is nobody else’s obligation but your own.

Of course, this perspective will not automatically make others follow you. That is the not the point of tolerance. However, it will make you happier, because you will not be forcing others to align with you. Your relationships with others will be more productive and fulfilling, which allows for a better exchange of ideas, energy, needs and communication.

Are you having trouble tolerating difference and complexity? Is it endangering your work or personal life? Please, don’t wait until your life is going downhill fast; get a free coaching session with a coach today!

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation at Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

 

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Technorati Tags: Anger Management, communication, conflict, conflict resolution, confrontation, fair fighting, opinions, tolerance, views, workplace conflict

But a great relationship relies on all of those things, comfortably shared. So how can you learn to improve your willingness to communicate with each other, if it doesn’t come naturally to one or both of you?

Firstly, it is important that you stay honest with yourself about what you need in a relationship, and from life in general. Remember, relationships satisfy us emotionally because we provide each other with things we need: love, respect, support, commitment. When we provide each other with what we each need, we grow at the same pace because we are each at a positive level. Beyond that, there are also other needs each of you have that have to be brought out in the relationship: commitment to careers, life goals, dreams, favorite activities, etc. For example, if one partner isn’t aware that something is important to the other, imagine their surprise when suddenly, a date is postponed for a meeting with a beloved mentor!

Your needs tie into what you expect from a relationship, and what you won’t condone. If you know ahead of time that you are not comfortable with this or that (for example, if you think hard and admit that you have a tendency to be jealous and expect attention) then you can communicate that to your partner early on.

When we talk about communicating our boundaries with each other, there are some basic ideas at play: how much of your life you want to share, how much of your resources you want to become “shared” (money, for example), and how much emotion you’re willing to invest in order to make your partner happy.

Kind of like balancing your budget, you need to decide how much you’re willing to “spend” in the relationship. Now, you don’t have to be exacting and superficial on this, but you should have an idea of how much of yourself and your time you’re willing to share. Not only does this tell you something about yourself and your emotional needs regarding intimacy, it tells you how willing you are to commit to your partner in the long run. If you feel you are “investing” more than you are comfortable with just so the other person is happy, you will short-change yourself in the long run. Your relationship needs to go at a pace that seems a good fit for both of you.

When sharing your boundaries and intimacy “budget” with your partner, remember that no one can read your mind. You have to be clear, and if you really feel something is important to you, state it. Don’t hesitate to share your true feelings, although of course you want to do it with compassion and respect (as you would want done to you, if you overstep or make someone else feel uncomfortable or threatened). If you feel that something is especially hurtful toward you, say so the first time you feel wronged. State how it makes you feel and that you won’t allow it.

Lastly, of course, is to remember that your partner is doing this mental analysis of himself, as well! He’d better know his boundaries, just like you. You can encourage your partner to share their needs and desires with you, but you’ll only be convincing if you offer some honesty in return. When the two of you feel you can be honest with each other, you can quickly get to the heart of matters and conflicts. You can feel free to say, “Yes, here, this makes me uncomfortable,” or “Here, we disagree because we each come from these two opinions about gender roles.” Once the two of you are in that space of near-objectivity, you can begin to look not only around, inside, and through issues, but beyond them. You can see all the opportunities for common growth!

Many couples struggle with how to set boundaries properly and respectfully. If you find yourself in a relationship where boundaries are being crossed (and you don’t know how to express your true feelings) or a new relationship where you’re not sure how much of yourself to give, don’t hesitate to call on one of our coaches for support. We are always here for you and your relationship needs! Visit Conflict Coach today for your private, confidential consultation.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today. We can begin by you receiving from Conflict Coach a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

 

Technorati Tags: boundaries, comfort zone, commitment, conflict, conflict resolution, honesty, insecurity, intimacy, limits, love, openness, Relationships, Self-Esteem, sharing, trust

At the heart of the human experience is the need to feel loved, and to feel love for others. This connection in its multiple forms goes to the heart of our own identity. What kind of relationships? Better them to be healthy and meaningful, we wish….But in all cases, we tend to reenact the primal experiences we have had when children, (that is what we know, of course) and so our present relationships duplicate the anxiety and the pain and the difficulty of previous ones.

Here is the core of our situation: If each one of us has such a strong need to give and receive love, what are we doing when we sustain unhealthy connections that prevent and thwart our growth? Why is there so little love in the world?

It has to do with an imbalance between what we can give and what do we need…to keep the flow of connection alive. In healthier family systems, it is more important to be emotionally close, and resolve negative feelings with each other. It is also easy to admit when mistakes are made, feelings are hurt and situations demand a heartfelt apology…

In such a family, keeping well nurtured a member’s self esteem is more important than any single behavior, and each one of the members cares about keeping each other’s healthy feelings. Some individuals could even apologize for hurting the spouse’s feelings even if he believes the other person “should” have known better. One could decide that it is more important to be close to the loved one, than to be right. Educating the children in how do you resolve this right/close issue is usually essential for their future ability to build good relationship.

The primary factor in determining whether there will be trust, goodwill, and emotional closeness in a couple or family group is whether each person is convinced that the other cares not just about his or her own well being, but about the other person’s as well.  There has to be a perception that everybody’s feelings count and need to be taken care of, either them being adult or children.

The more family members have an understanding of the basic conflict style they use, the greater their chance of not acting them out in the relationship in a destructive way. If they know that there is a tendency to shouting, then they can establish ways of reminding each other that “here we care not to shout to each other, because we know how much it hurts.” This kind of shared understanding invites gently each person to take care of his/her own feelings and its management.

Relationships is the real way and a unique opportunity to understand ourselves in a new way, and to discover the best and most noble parts of ourselves. We are as trusting and caring in our lives as our past conflicts have been resolved, and the flow of care for each other has been maintained.

The reverse is also true, however. If we reject taking ownership of our own frustration and negative feelings, and blame the other person for how we feel and respond to her in a violent way, we stop the learning process and end up feeling angry, and often victimized. How we choose to deal with our own painful feelings from our past, as well as negotiate our present relationships, and how much we are able to love and empathize with another needs for love and connection, ultimately determines the outcome of the relationship, as well as our own spiritual and emotional growth.

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to Conflict Coach

Technorati Tags: appreciation, conflict, confrontation, critique, forgiveness, happiness, Healthy Marriage, healthy relationships, reconciliation, resilience

What are some rules that we recommend?

Well, for intense emotional issues and conflicts, there are two rules that we think are non-negotiable – you can’t go without them.

• Confrontation is by appointment only. Conflicts can occur at any time, we know. However, there is a time and a place for discussing problems and issues that are bothering us (i.e., McDonalds over lunch is not one of them). All parties should agree to briefly describe the problem, then make plans for when is a good time for all to talk. This can be as simple as saying, “I’d like to talk about what happened just now. Can we speak at home?”
• Everybody has the right to a time-out. Sometimes things get out of control when emotions like anger or fear escalate. Realize that every person has the right to feel overwhelmed, and the right to ask for a break to calm down and recollect. However, it also that person’s responsibility to make clear when you will reconvene (minutes or days later).

Need more ideas about coming up with family rules? It may help to divide into a few categories: rules that keep the conversation constructive, rules to handle disruptive emotions like anger, rules to improve communication, and how-to rules for reaching solutions that please both parties.

Here are some good examples of rules that pertain to the first category – maintaining constructive conflict:

• Confrontation by appointment only – we talked about this one. Just as a reminder, don’t make an appointment to sit down and talk right before bed, work or school.  There should be enough time to both talk out the issue and mentally unwind afterward.
• Optimal location – location has a lot to do with how constructive the confrontation is. A lot of interruptions will impede the flow of ideas, so pick a quiet place. Avoid the bedroom, which should stay associated with peace and rest. A good place to talk about issues is a calm, neutral, pleasing place. Moving while you talk can keep endorphins going at a nice pace, so a park is often a good place to go. If all else fails, phone conversations can remove a physical space that feels threatening.
• Start on a kind foot – Show your desire for mutual respect and peace by taking their hand, offering a gift or compliment, or anything that you feel is appropriate to diminish hostility. Just don’t go overboard into making it seem like a bribe! Your main objective is to show that you are opening the conversation on a sure ground by professing that you want to protect your relationship’s underlying values. In short: you are saying: we want to improve the good relationship we already have…

Need help creating rules for conflict in the other categories, like reaching workplace resolutions? Visit our conflict coach today to receive a free consultation. Coach Nora can send you on your way to a healthy relationship in no time at all!

Technorati Tags: angry husband, appreciation, attitude change, Cold Shoulder, conflict, conflict coach, conflict resolution, conflict rules, confrontation, control, emotions, feelings, fight, frustration, happiness, Healthy Marriage, healthy relationships, negative emotions, Relationships, respect, Self-Esteem, understanding

We are now watching this information about a whole society filled with Wounded Children (the name we use here in this blog to name adults carrying around their own, repressed ACEs) doing the best they can to survive the wounds of their childhood, that are produced in and by people in their most significant relationships.

The same place where our birth places us is the home that will give us any one of the adverse experiences listed below,  and in this way will put limits to our future possibility for happiness…

It is highly possible that our parents, by allowing any ACE to happen, are only reproducing the painful conditions of their own childhood; but the reality of us transmitting such pain to the new generations is very difficult to accept.

The ACE Study is an ongoing collaboration between the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and Kaiser Permanente. It is perhaps  the largest scientific research study of its kind, showing a direct, causal relationship between nine categories of adverse childhood experience:

• physical abuse;
• emotional abuse;
• sexual abuse;
• an alcohol and/or drug abuser in the household;
• an incarcerated household member;
• living with someone who is chronically depressed, mentally ill, institutionalized, or suicidal;
• witnessing domestic violence against the mother;
• parental discord indicated by divorce, separation, abandonment;
• emotional or physical neglect

The presence of each one of the Adverse Childhood Experiences determines at least 18 physical, mental and behavioral health outcomes. If you are brave enough, can you identify how many of those experiences were there, in your home when you were growing up?

The more ACEs people have had in their formative years, the higher the rate of mental, physical, behavioral disease and disability in the population, including higher rates of chronic disease, low educational achievement and increased violence.

In the words of the Adverse Childhood Experiences Study authors:

“The ACE Study reveals a powerful relationship between our emotional experiences as children and our physical and mental health as adults, as well as the major causes of adult mortality in the United States.

It documents the conversion of traumatic emotional experiences in childhood into organic disease later in life. How does this happen, this reverse alchemy, turning the gold of a newborn infant into the lead of a depressed, diseased adult?

The Study makes it clear that time does not heal some of the adverse experiences we found so common in the childhoods of a large population of middle-aged, middle class Americans. One does not ‘just get over’ some things, not even fifty years later.”

Whatever we can plan or imagine that would improve relationships in the home, is adding to the possibility that any newborn could have the whole deck of healthy possibilities allowed for his/her future.

http://www.heraldnet.com/article/20110514/OPINION03/705149995

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation (by clicking here), with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

Technorati Tags: aggression, anger, conflict, domestic violence, Emotional Abuse, frustration, healthy relationships, humiliation, isolation, loneliness, love, negative emotions, Relationships, respect, Self-Esteem

So what about getting defensive? Does that go against the natural program of love-seeking? Surprisingly enough, no.

When couples fight over silly things and become defensive (even though they don’t need to), there is an underlying reason for it. We may not realize it during a fight, but we pick up on things and fight over them because we are each concerned about our role in the relationships we are in. When a partner comments about something small, the other may become defensive, scared that this means they are a “bad” partner or that their partner loves them less. Sounds silly, right? But we all do it!

Beyond that, there are also subconscious questions buzzing in our minds when we fight over small things, make them look bigger, or become defensive. In these altercations, what we’re really saying and asking each other is:

• Are you accessible when I reach out to you?
• Will you respond to my needs and requests?
• Are you engaged in our relationship?

In other words, “Will you be there for me when I need you?” This is the basic question of attachment. Deep down, we all have these insecurities, and it’s reflected in the way we interact with others, especially significant others. It’s almost like our brains are telling us, “Fight! Then you will know if they love you!”

What does this mean for couples in a strained relationship, or a relationship where the love is “dying”?

Are you and your partner trying to avoid conflict, thinking that this is the best way to keep a relationship “safe”? Think about what we just said about conflict. If, during conflict, our brains are using conflict to find out whether to other person is really committed, why would we give that up? Healthy conflict that respects boundaries can help couples air problems, reach out to one another, reveal true needs, and test their commitment to each other and the relationship. In other words, if you pretend there are no problems, how can you know whether the two of you are willing to heal it? A couple that never fights never learns to love each other more deeply.

Protect the love and commitment in your relationship by accepting conflict as a normal part of life, and determine to handle it in a healthy way. In many ways, fighting is just our brains’ way of re-connecting with other people!

If you need help learning how to fight to protect (not harm!) the love in your relationship, our Conflict Coach can help you do just that. Visit the Conflict Coach today to receive your free coaching session.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation (by clicking here), with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

Technorati Tags: appreciation, conflict, conflict resolution, emotions, feelings, fight, happiness, Healthy Marriage, healthy relationships, Relationships, respect, understanding

For example – do you and your partner constantly fight? Are there certain behaviors that, whenever your partner does them, you feel attacked, disrespected, and mistreated? Does your partner fire right back, saying, “Well, when you do this, I feel the same way”?

Often, our first instinct is to say: “I’ll change when you do.” However, studies show that the is the LAST way you’ll get the change you want to see. Rather, the best way to see change happen is to act and think the way you want to be treated. If you brain learns, “Okay, this is how I should react here,” you both will be better communicators and lovers.

What we now know about the brain tells us that we need to practice the behaviors we want to have. It is not wishing, but doing, that delivers results. When you invite your brain to develop positive thinking patterns, it causes internal changes that will deliver more trust and positive emotions in the future. The neurons wire together, and they create a new, stronger electrochemical pathway, dropping the negative behaviors you don’t want.

For instance, if you want to change the way you appreciate or recognize your spouse –  knowing that you need to do 5 appreciative comments to delete a harsh, critical one – how would you do it?

We know that successful (happy!) partners still have conflicts like everybody else. However, they do something different from distressed partners, who continue feeling upset, aggravated or hurt by their spouses.

In the free-of-conflict times, positive couples regularly interact in supportive ways. For example, they show interest in the other person (no cold shoulders), offer appreciative comments on any aspect of the other person’s behavior, express their happiness for being in this relationship, plan fun outings together, show, express and receive affection, flirt, and so on. They are priming their brains to be happy so that, when conflict comes along, their thoughts and actions are geared toward respect and happiness.

Why does this work? Does it seem too simple? Think of it this way: acting positively when conflict isn’t happening acts like an emotional bank account. Positive couples draw on this bank account in times of conflict. No more and no less than this simple “brain priming” is necessary to be able to face differences! By being an example for how you want to be treated, and creating an environment of respect, the positive couple can look at conflict with a constructive perspective, ready to learn from it and not using it to destroy the other.

Does it look like a completely simple, fool-proof, basic receipt for enduring happiness? Guess what: it is!

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation (by clicking here), with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

Technorati Tags: angry husband, appreciation, attitude change, backstabbing, Cold Shoulder, conflict, conflict resolution, feelings, love, negative emotions, respect, Silence

By MARIE HARTWELL-WALKER, ED.D.

For some people, this is a truly radical idea: There is no need to fight with your partner. Ever. Accusations, recriminations, character assassination, threats, name-calling, and cursing, whether delivered at top volume or with a quiet sarcastic sneer, damage a relationship, often irrevocably. Nobody needs to be a monster or to be treated monstrously. Nobody who yells will ever be heard. In the heat of a moment, it is always a choice whether to go for a run or run your partner down.

On the other hand, no two people in the world, no matter how made for each other they feel, will ever agree about everything at all times. (It would be quite boring if they did.) Couples do need to be able to negotiate differences. They do need to have room for constructive criticism. They do need a way to assert opinions and to disagree. And they do need to have a way to express intense feelings (that the other person may not understand or support) without feeling that they will be judged as lacking for doing so. READ MORE HERE:

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2008/10-rules-for-friendly-fighting-for-couples/

Technorati Tags: anger, appreciation, conflict, conflict resolution, confrontation, control, critique, fight, forgiveness, humiliation, passive aggressive, reconciliation

These are all normal reactions, as most conflicts are uncomfortable, anxiety-filled situations. However, there are some tricks and tips that can keep you focused and calm during a conflict. The calmer you are, the better you are positioned to defend yourself, reach an agreement, or solve a problem.

Look at your goals; maybe there are some you have made that you still need to pursue. Is there something you really want, or want to see change, that hasn’t been finished because you’re afraid of the conflict involved? If so, keep those things that are worth fighting for at the front of your mind. Don’t let yourself say, “Oh, I’ll get what I want some other day.” You can achieve it today, with a little push and determination. Can you make a list of those important goals now?

Now that you know which goals you are going to pursue, let’s review the skills you need to achieve them. What are those skills?

Making the right questions:

Don’t try to read anyone’s mind. It may seem scary to think you are going to interrupt someone by saying, “What did you mean by….?” However, asking for clarification is the best way to not only smooth the situation, but also to give you a sense of power and control. Otherwise, it is one sided –you listen, and the other person rants. It may also make you feel better, to learn that someone didn’t mean it the way they said it.

Be clear about your right to pursue your goal

Try to think of it as “negotiation,” not “conflict.” When you think of it this way, you tell yourself that you have a stake in the outcome, and thus, you have a right to have your ideas heard, and your needs expressed. Again, telling yourself you have rights and a voice is a great way to make you feel empowered.

Develop a thick skin

If you feel oppressed, ridiculed, or abused in any way, it’s important to take a step back, ask for a breather or a moment alone. Think carefully about the situation, and ask yourself whether you are overreacting, or whether there is more to it. If you consider that there are some indications of emotional abuse included in the tug of war of the negotiation, ask yourself: Is it worth the price if I get what I want? Can I take this way of talking to me as only a trick to get me back off, and ignore it? If you can’t take a bit of pressure from the other side, the other side will know where to pressure you to give in! Smile and keep asking for what you want loud and clear.

Everybody wins

Remember that the idea of conflict is communication –not control. When you are confronted about your behavior, or you confront someone else, the point is not for someone to be the “winner” or the one with more power. The point is merely to have problems addressed and hopefully worked out. Whether those problems are fully solved or not, you should still walk away feeling respect towards the other person, and in turn, respected by them. So, avoid humiliating or attacking the other side, keep acting respectful and gracious, and say: “No need here to leave with the shorter end of the stick…I want for us two to get a solution we both agree on”

Sometimes taking this perspective is well received by the other side; sometimes is not, and you can be seen as a wimp…People sometimes believe that “winning” is humiliating and destroying the other side; so here and now you are teaching the other side a lesson on reciprocal respect. If no appellation works, and the other side is bent on total war and humiliation, then is time to walk out and decide that getting what you want is not worth the price of being humiliated. Walk away saying: “This is not the way I wish for us to deal with each other. Perhaps next time you can listen to what I want and talk to me with respect. I will be waiting”

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more!

Technorati Tags: aggression, attitude change, conflict, confrontation, critique, Emotional Abuse, emotions, feelings, respect, Self-Esteem