The emotional side that makes our decisions has been charmingly called “the old brain.” The old brain doesn’t understand words (a product of reason), but it does understand threats, survival and reproduction.

This changes up the way we think of conflict. It’s no longer a perceived difference of rational opinions (Wikipedia); there is the new idea that conflicts are emotional, in and of themselves. Conflicts seem reason-driven because they are covered up by a cost-analysis rationalization that legitimizes the confrontation.

Here is how the human brain works:

• The new brain thinks: it processes rational data.
• The middle brain feels: It processes emotions and gut feelings.
• The old brain decides: it takes into account the input from the other two brains, but it is the actual trigger of the decision. In other words, the old brain is the boss.

This idea is very practical, because day to day, we can ask ourselves: what primordial needs has my old brain today?

Do I feel insecure in my relationship or my job?
Do I feel threatened?
Is there some basic anxiety around my gut today?

After that, the path is clear: your job is to activate your middle and new brains and evaluate those panic triggers that the older brain is activating:

Is a sure thing that you will starve today?
Are there enemies at your door or is it a simple alarming noise?

In this way, we avoid making decisions ruled by the survival brain, the older one! Our decisions will be more rational and emotional if we evaluate and discard the messages from the older brain. The point is not necessarily to avoid all conflict the old brain alerts us to, but we can learn to separate defense mechanisms (being unnecessarily aggressive with a co-worker) from constructive conflict (a discussion about how to reprimand your children).

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation at Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

Related Blogs

Technorati Tags: aggression, attitude change, Cold Shoulder, conflict resolution, control, croc brain, emotional decision-making, emotions, happiness, negative emotions, old brain, rejection, Self-Esteem, threat

What are some rules that we recommend?

Well, for intense emotional issues and conflicts, there are two rules that we think are non-negotiable – you can’t go without them.

• Confrontation is by appointment only. Conflicts can occur at any time, we know. However, there is a time and a place for discussing problems and issues that are bothering us (i.e., McDonalds over lunch is not one of them). All parties should agree to briefly describe the problem, then make plans for when is a good time for all to talk. This can be as simple as saying, “I’d like to talk about what happened just now. Can we speak at home?”
• Everybody has the right to a time-out. Sometimes things get out of control when emotions like anger or fear escalate. Realize that every person has the right to feel overwhelmed, and the right to ask for a break to calm down and recollect. However, it also that person’s responsibility to make clear when you will reconvene (minutes or days later).

Need more ideas about coming up with family rules? It may help to divide into a few categories: rules that keep the conversation constructive, rules to handle disruptive emotions like anger, rules to improve communication, and how-to rules for reaching solutions that please both parties.

Here are some good examples of rules that pertain to the first category – maintaining constructive conflict:

• Confrontation by appointment only – we talked about this one. Just as a reminder, don’t make an appointment to sit down and talk right before bed, work or school.  There should be enough time to both talk out the issue and mentally unwind afterward.
• Optimal location – location has a lot to do with how constructive the confrontation is. A lot of interruptions will impede the flow of ideas, so pick a quiet place. Avoid the bedroom, which should stay associated with peace and rest. A good place to talk about issues is a calm, neutral, pleasing place. Moving while you talk can keep endorphins going at a nice pace, so a park is often a good place to go. If all else fails, phone conversations can remove a physical space that feels threatening.
• Start on a kind foot – Show your desire for mutual respect and peace by taking their hand, offering a gift or compliment, or anything that you feel is appropriate to diminish hostility. Just don’t go overboard into making it seem like a bribe! Your main objective is to show that you are opening the conversation on a sure ground by professing that you want to protect your relationship’s underlying values. In short: you are saying: we want to improve the good relationship we already have…

Need help creating rules for conflict in the other categories, like reaching workplace resolutions? Visit our conflict coach today to receive a free consultation. Coach Nora can send you on your way to a healthy relationship in no time at all!

Technorati Tags: angry husband, appreciation, attitude change, Cold Shoulder, conflict, conflict coach, conflict resolution, conflict rules, confrontation, control, emotions, feelings, fight, frustration, happiness, Healthy Marriage, healthy relationships, negative emotions, Relationships, respect, Self-Esteem, understanding

For example – do you and your partner constantly fight? Are there certain behaviors that, whenever your partner does them, you feel attacked, disrespected, and mistreated? Does your partner fire right back, saying, “Well, when you do this, I feel the same way”?

Often, our first instinct is to say: “I’ll change when you do.” However, studies show that the is the LAST way you’ll get the change you want to see. Rather, the best way to see change happen is to act and think the way you want to be treated. If you brain learns, “Okay, this is how I should react here,” you both will be better communicators and lovers.

What we now know about the brain tells us that we need to practice the behaviors we want to have. It is not wishing, but doing, that delivers results. When you invite your brain to develop positive thinking patterns, it causes internal changes that will deliver more trust and positive emotions in the future. The neurons wire together, and they create a new, stronger electrochemical pathway, dropping the negative behaviors you don’t want.

For instance, if you want to change the way you appreciate or recognize your spouse –  knowing that you need to do 5 appreciative comments to delete a harsh, critical one – how would you do it?

We know that successful (happy!) partners still have conflicts like everybody else. However, they do something different from distressed partners, who continue feeling upset, aggravated or hurt by their spouses.

In the free-of-conflict times, positive couples regularly interact in supportive ways. For example, they show interest in the other person (no cold shoulders), offer appreciative comments on any aspect of the other person’s behavior, express their happiness for being in this relationship, plan fun outings together, show, express and receive affection, flirt, and so on. They are priming their brains to be happy so that, when conflict comes along, their thoughts and actions are geared toward respect and happiness.

Why does this work? Does it seem too simple? Think of it this way: acting positively when conflict isn’t happening acts like an emotional bank account. Positive couples draw on this bank account in times of conflict. No more and no less than this simple “brain priming” is necessary to be able to face differences! By being an example for how you want to be treated, and creating an environment of respect, the positive couple can look at conflict with a constructive perspective, ready to learn from it and not using it to destroy the other.

Does it look like a completely simple, fool-proof, basic receipt for enduring happiness? Guess what: it is!

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation (by clicking here), with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

Technorati Tags: angry husband, appreciation, attitude change, backstabbing, Cold Shoulder, conflict, conflict resolution, feelings, love, negative emotions, respect, Silence

Assertion is the art of saying what you need or believe in a way that other people can hear you clearly.

This ability is essential for effective problem-solving. The alternatives to assertion are

1.- submission, like in letting other people’s needs come always before yours, even being just or unjust. This will happen if you accept disrespectful treatment from a loved one for some time, while you grow a deep resentment;

2.- aggression – forcing your needs on another person without their agreement.

Both are lose-lose options, meaning that both sides, even the “winning one” will get less from the relationship. They are building anger, hurt and resentment instead of respect and love.

This is the way to assert yourself:

a) Get a clear idea of exactly the behavior irritating you. If he/she is not speaking to you in front of your friends, that is clearly a hostile behavior that needs addressing. What is the behavior that you want, instead of this? Acceptance, care, attention? Be clear on what you want.

b) Be clear and firm on your personal rights as a dignified person; and firmly believe that your rights, needs, and dignity are just as valid and important as anyone else’s, regardless of age, power, role, or gender.

c) You need to define the behavioral change that you need from this person or to set limits with someone whose behavior is unacceptable or hurtful to you.

HOW DO YOU DO ASSERTION?

1.- Begin describing the negative behavior in clear words:

“When you make jokes about my cooking in front of my friends, as you did last night at Alice’s party…”

2.- State the impact on you:

“I feel ignored and rejected.”

3.- Declare that you want a change:
“and I need you to (agree to make a specific behavior change):

“Remember that we are each other’s support system and we don’t criticize the other in public”

Your purpose is not to blame, but to deliver information about the impact of their behavior to the offending party. Messages centered on the “I” pro noun, delivered calmly, with steady, non-apologetic eye contact – have a better chance of being received as information, and not criticism.

The passive aggressive behavior needs someone to provide the offending person with a steady feedback on the impact of their behaviors…..which should extinguish them, if there is a willingness to change.

Want to hear more? We have good information and support for you!

Technorati Tags: aggression, anger, appreciation, Cold Shoulder, confrontation, Emotional Abuse, feelings, fight, Healthy Marriage, healthy relationships, hidden anger, Passive Aggresive Behavior, Self-Esteem

The silent treatment, also known as the “cold shoulder treatment,” consists of feigned apathy, total silence, and being distant on purpose. One person displays an attitude of complete disinterest for the spouse, as if the other person would be a complete stranger.

This form of emotional abuse can be very disorienting. Being ignored on purpose by your husband, your most intimate ally crumbles your whole being. The experience can leave you thinking that you have been reduced to the level of a ghost, if your presence is systematically ignored and turned irrelevant.

Typically, the person in control does this as a form of non-physical punishment, with the purpose of showing his anger by making you feel less worthy, not valued, unimportant, and not cared about. Is a very strong negative message delivered in a way that doesn’t leave external traces: there are no signals of physical abuse.

Between the lines, what your abuser is trying to do is to manipulate you in the area of your self image by making you feel reduced to nothing he can show interest on. If he is not seeing you, or your qualities, who are you? Not more than a shadow! Here is a female voice:

“I really don’t know what to do, or say. If I say “can we talk about this?” he will roll his eyes or tell me to shut up. He reconnects when and how he wants…while I wait in despair. I have truly lost hope. I don’t know how much more I can take. When things are good between us life is incredible, but he has this Jekyll and Hyde thing going on… and I always feel like it is my fault, because I don’t know how and why his cold shoulder towards me starts. What did I do to anger him so much as to be so cruel?”

First, this posting is encouraging you to perceive the hidden control under this behavior….by having you waiting for a connection, the more powerful person is showing his control. If you continue asking for explanations, or reasons, or “why are you doing this” questions, you keep confirming the toxic nature of this treatment.

What to do? well, you can always take a step behind, look at the behavior and ask yourself if you have a choice of answering. Perhaps choosing to ignore? changing the subject? doing your own thing? not acknowledging his treatment?
Remember, you have choices!

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to http://www.creativeconflicts.com.

Technorati Tags: Cold Shoulder, Emotional Abuse, healthy relationships, Silence

This form of emotional abuse can be very disorienting. Being ignored on purpose by your husband, your most intimate ally, crumbles your whole being. The experience can leave you thinking that you have been reduced to the level of a ghost, if your presence is systematically ignored and turned irrelevant…!

Want to be able to identify and heal cold shoulder?

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Technorati Tags: abuse, anger, Cold Shoulder, Emotional Abuse, feelings, frustration, hidden anger, resilience

It is sad, and sometimes you think: Am I going ever to be happy?

Today, with the excitement of the New Year, there are a few poignant contrasts in your soul….how can you look away from the sadness of your situation? Which way to a future more full of happiness and hope?

For everybody around you, hope can be easy to say and to have; for you, from the depth of despair, there is a voice that says: “I can’t ever be as happy as I want…I’m condemned to survive only in an abusive relationship…”

However, there is another voice, well hidden under your despair and perhaps your deep cynicism. It’s the voice of your own soul, saying…”We were born to be happy by doing great things, and this is a fact I also was born with, impossible to cover up with this daily misery of my present life.”

If this is your case, I have a cute idea for you…..

Tonight, when everybody is happy sharing what they want from all the possibilities a new year brings, you will put aside your ugly experiences. You will do that by breathing deeply, so deep that your chest hurts a bit there, in the bottom of your lungs, and from there, when you exhale, you will imagine that all sadness is leaving you…

Keep breathing, and now when you inhale to the bottom of your lungs, imagine that a stream of positive energy is coming into you, reaching deep into you, and touching your brave soul….There! Your breath energy is connected with the real you, not the scared and beaten down you, but with the brave soul that still dreams of her happiness.

This is the opportunity to connect with who you really are; to let that brave soul of yours remember her dreams, and to cherish those dreams as part of who you are:

• Nobody can take away your dreams;
• Nobody can silence your deeper soul;
• This deep soul is still ready to do what it needs to do as her purpose in life…

Throw away all the negative questions; stop thinking about all the obstacles in front of you, just let this joy of finding your life purpose fill you….from hair to toes. Each time you breathe in, this light inside is shining; each time you breathe out, the negativities go away.

Now, you are the owner of your dreams. Don’t let the actual circumstances of your life stop you. Keep thinking: “Which is the way I can go around this obstacle and reach what I want?”

And begin thinking how you are going to keep your dreams alive and motivating you in 2010? Perhaps by writing them down now? Making a note in my calendar (“Remember to breathe in your happiness every day”) or finding your own personal, secret way?

Whatever way you keep your happiness alive, is a good way! Happy 2010!

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Technorati Tags: appreciation, Cold Shoulder, Emotional Abuse, happiness, healthy relationships, indiference, loneliness, soul purpose

He says nothing, but you know he is mad as hell. He is obviously sulking in front of you, and his attitude fills the room with a very negative vibe. For you, this silent anger is far more maddening and crazy than an overt attack…you would prefer to have him shouting his complains!

He is acting out the “angry blackmailer role,” a script that basically tells you without words: “Look how mad I am, because of what you did to me I have to be raving mad… all is your fault. Now figure out what you did wrong and how you’re going to make it up to me.”

So he sits in his magnificent silence, and you know you are being held hostage of his real or invented rage. You are forced now to guess what provoked his rage. How are you going to act without showing your own frustration? By being rational as hell, of course! When he says nothing, what can you say or do? Acting in a very cold way is your only way out:

Avoid getting to the conclusion that nothing can be done with this kind of blackmailer, and don’t walk away. Take a deep breath and think in this way:

• It is useless to expect him to tell what is wrong;
• It is worthless to ask them what is wrong, or tell him he needs to stop this childish behavior;
• It is counterproductive to appeal to peace and understanding: he is having fun!
• It is silly to take the blame and apologize for whatever he feels is wrong;
• It is useless to search for his deeper motivations now;

Get another deep breath and remember that you are dealing with an immature person who feels inadequate or powerless and who uses silent control as a means of getting you attached to him.

When you are able to focus on the “scared child aspect”, say something like:

“It looks like you’re angry right now, and I’ll be willing to discuss this situation with you as soon as you’re ready to talk about it,”

Then leave the room, and him alone.

Is important that you stick to this calm attitude, accepting their anger, even recognizing its cause if you know it:

“I’m clear that you are upset because I need to travel around your birthday and will not be here exactly that date, but I’m certainly willing to plan for a second birthday party and do what makes you happy then.”

His behavior doesn’t give you a lot of room: you need to accept the fact that you will have to make the first move most, if not all, of the times. This person is now in your life, and you can’t change that now, so send him the message that they can tell you what they’re angry about and you offer to hear them out without escalating the conflict with your own complaints.

Keeping calm, and treating his behavior as a communication problem that can be solved when he decides to share are the best rational  techniques that can change this situation. You need to avoid showing your frustration, shouting or telling about the challenges you encounter in the relationship.

Now the only way out is to inform your hubby in a calm way that you are inviting him to talk in his own time, as if you are not surprised, disappointed or repulsed by his acting out his anger. He can’t express his anger in any other way, so bear with it in a calm way.
And have clarity in what you are going to say: “You can be silent, and I can try to understand what is going on with you, but to go to any conclusion, you need to share with me what is the issue. If you can’t talk now, I will ask you in two hours….See you”

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Technorati Tags: anger, angry husband, Cold Shoulder, conflict, negative emotions, rejection, resentment, Silence, understanding

Are you kept by your loved one in hurtful, frustrating, and confusing isolation, and you don’t know why? Have you always been afraid of confronting someone you love, because he/she ignores you and gives you the silent treatment on purpose?

Are you getting the cold shoulder, and don’t even know why? Is someone who’s normally eager to speak to you now keeping your conversations to the bare minimum? And, as a result, are you unsure of how to respond in a way that gets you accepted back in important conversations, allowing you to feel included and respected?

Moreover, have you ever been afraid of interpersonal conflicts and their consequences? Unsure of how to respond in a way that promotes a normal, respectful interaction? Are you in a relationship where there is a lot of isolation and rejection on purpose, so you are put in a hurtful, frustrating, and confusing situation? Are you feeling hurt and lonely in an intimate relationship?

Here’s how to confront the person who’s ignoring you without making things worse.FIRST STEP: Learning to assert yourself

Probably nobody taught you in the past how to assert yourself, and in this way you did not had the skills necessary to face difficult interactions….ending in a place where you feel scared, controlled or abused.

Well, here is a way to build your self-esteem and know how to respond to the silent treatment and other exclusionary tactics in a way that respects what you do need, and also takes care of the relationship.

In the past, you could even have developed a way of denying conflicts in order to escape from all confrontations, and ended up forcing yourself to hide your deep frustrations, because you feared that escalating arguments would take the discussion into emotional abuse or any kind of violence? In this way, you explained away and denied the emotional abuse suffered by the cold shoulder you received. If it has happened to you, you know that this is the worst loneliness… the scars of mistrust and anger are still there, waiting to heal. You need to remember that negative emotions have a lingering impact in your overall physical and emotional health.

Now you can begin to see those scars as produced by a passive aggressive method of spousal abuse: rejection by silent treatment. This rejection is insidious because it’s hard to punish someone for not making eye contact or ignoring another person. If the person is confronted by your asking, “Why are you not talking to me?,” the person can easily deny the accusation, explaining it away. You continue feeling isolated and left out, but now, you could even be seen as inventing things!

Well, now there is a better way to react than denial, so you can stop feeling scared or pushed into a little corner…, no more! Now you can learn how to turn around a situation and use it for better purposes. Then, you can learn how to use these easy methods in every aspect of your life: work, family, love.

Assertion is the art of saying what you need or believe in a way that other people can hear you clearly. This ability is essential for effective problem-solving. The alternatives to assertion are submission (letting other’s needs come before yours, which will happen if you accept the cold shoulder treatment for longer time) and aggression – forcing your needs on another person without their agreement. Both are lose-lose options.

SECOND STEP: This is the way to assert yourself:

a) get a clear idea of what is irritating you. If he/she is not speaking to you in front of your friends, that is clearly a hostile behavior that needs addressing. What is the behavior that you want, instead of this? Acceptance, care, attention? Be clear on what you want.

Also, be clear and firm on your personal rights as a dignified person; and firmly believe that your rights, needs, and dignity are just as valid and important as anyone else’s, regardless of age, power, role, or gender.

You need to define a change that you need from someone, and/or to set limits with someone who’s behavior is unacceptable or hurtful to you.

b) Begin describing the negative behavior in clear words: 
“When you ignore me in front of my friends, as you did last night at Mike’s party…”

then state the impact on you: “I feel ignored and rejected.”

then declare that you want a change: “and I need you to (agree to make a specific behavior change: “remember that you are not alone in the party and behave as part of a couple with me)”

Your purpose is not to blame, but to deliver information about the impact of their behavior to the offending party. Messages centered on the “I” pro noun, delivered calmly, with steady, non-apologetic eye contact – have a better chance of being received as information, and not criticism.

The continued use of this response is necessary to provide the PA person with a steady feedback on the impact of their behaviors…..which should extinguish them, if there is a willingness to change.

To your happiness!

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

http://ezinearticles.com/?Are-You-Getting-the-Cold-Shoulder-from-Your-Loved-One,-and-You-Dont-Know-Why?&id=380824

Technorati Tags: angry husband, backstabbing, Cold Shoulder, Healthy Marriage, hidden anger, loneliness

Have you noticed that usually there is a thick curtain of technological devices between you and him, like his cell phone (always in a call with someone) his computer (always having to finish something urgent) or the TV?

There are multiple ways in which a passive aggressive husband will block normal communication with you if he feels that you are pressing him into a deeper emotional conversation he doesn’t want any part in.

What was before now an opportunity for some violent confrontations and shouting has changed. Normal people having strong feelings about how they want their most important relationship don’t express them now. If suppressing angry verbal confrontations is a good thing, it was because we wanted to replace them with respectful conversations! What you get instead is passive aggressive responses, wrapped in all kinds of technology.

If interpersonal conflict is a growth opportunity because it teaches us to negotiate our wants and needs with loved ones, technology is allowing more and more passive aggressive ways of canceling passion and fire from conflicts.

As you’re sitting here, in front of your computer reading this post, many things will cross your mind… I can imagine you matching this list with your personal experience…and finding lots of points in common.

OK, now the list:

1) You both have had a discussion, and he leaves for his office. When you try to call him in his cell to close the conversation, he doesn’t answer calls.
2) You think of leaving him a message, but he is not picking up his messages, so you feel like it’s wrong to leave a third one.
3) What is the point of sending him a text message, if no answer?
4) Perhaps an email will pop up on his screen at work? same silence
5) When he gets back, is it time for his TV favorite program?
6) You feel left out, getting frantic for some response from his side, so you are at this point pressing the talk…and so get accused of “being too emotional,” “losing control” and “unable to think in a logical way.”
7) When you finally get to have some time/space to confront him, he is completely in control, peaceful and calm, and you are a total wreck.

Confusing? You bet!

The truth is that technology provides an elegant, ubiquitous shield to protect a person with passive aggressive tendencies from having to accept and process the messy emotional issues of any relationship.

If you are the party most needy of feeling a deep personal connection, this technological shield will leave you out in the cold, full of frustrated expectations, and pondering what kind of future is there for you and your too normal wish for intimacy and love.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Technorati Tags: Cold Shoulder, emotions, feelings, frustration, loneliness, rejection, resentment, Silence