For example – do you and your partner constantly fight? Are there certain behaviors that, whenever your partner does them, you feel attacked, disrespected, and mistreated? Does your partner fire right back, saying, “Well, when you do this, I feel the same way”?

Often, our first instinct is to say: “I’ll change when you do.” However, studies show that the is the LAST way you’ll get the change you want to see. Rather, the best way to see change happen is to act and think the way you want to be treated. If you brain learns, “Okay, this is how I should react here,” you both will be better communicators and lovers.

What we now know about the brain tells us that we need to practice the behaviors we want to have. It is not wishing, but doing, that delivers results. When you invite your brain to develop positive thinking patterns, it causes internal changes that will deliver more trust and positive emotions in the future. The neurons wire together, and they create a new, stronger electrochemical pathway, dropping the negative behaviors you don’t want.

For instance, if you want to change the way you appreciate or recognize your spouse –  knowing that you need to do 5 appreciative comments to delete a harsh, critical one – how would you do it?

We know that successful (happy!) partners still have conflicts like everybody else. However, they do something different from distressed partners, who continue feeling upset, aggravated or hurt by their spouses.

In the free-of-conflict times, positive couples regularly interact in supportive ways. For example, they show interest in the other person (no cold shoulders), offer appreciative comments on any aspect of the other person’s behavior, express their happiness for being in this relationship, plan fun outings together, show, express and receive affection, flirt, and so on. They are priming their brains to be happy so that, when conflict comes along, their thoughts and actions are geared toward respect and happiness.

Why does this work? Does it seem too simple? Think of it this way: acting positively when conflict isn’t happening acts like an emotional bank account. Positive couples draw on this bank account in times of conflict. No more and no less than this simple “brain priming” is necessary to be able to face differences! By being an example for how you want to be treated, and creating an environment of respect, the positive couple can look at conflict with a constructive perspective, ready to learn from it and not using it to destroy the other.

Does it look like a completely simple, fool-proof, basic receipt for enduring happiness? Guess what: it is!

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation (by clicking here), with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

Technorati Tags: angry husband, appreciation, attitude change, backstabbing, Cold Shoulder, conflict, conflict resolution, feelings, love, negative emotions, respect, Silence

What if we believe that we have “bad luck”? then everything we plan will have to do two battles: one against reality out there, and the second one to convince “luck” to bend over our desire….making everything a double challenge.

We all have a variety of core beliefs, of which some are empowering (positive beliefs) and others are limiting (negative beliefs). In the US, popular culture tends to push for more positive than negative beliefs, which promotes a feeling that most projects are possible and doable. If we grew up with the people around us telling that only men can do the things we also want to do, then we have again the double challenge: getting to have the opportunity to do those desired tasks and proving that we are as valuable as men at each step….

Every day, in fact every minute we are reinforcing or weakening them. It is an on-going process. Each time we tell ourselves that our plans are within reach, we help them be doable. Even we are influencing each other when we express those beliefs, and sometimes it doesn’t help our loved ones hearing us expressing negative beliefs about their capacities. Why, if they never did this task, how come now they think they can do it? Well, me saying that they will never learn is only a half disguised act of sabotage…Perhaps it’s best to let them try, because even trying and failing, they will know better for the next try.

As a result, we need to be aware of negative, judgmental beliefs popping up in our minds, and work actively to replace them with a more positive approach.

This reframing goes a long way: we can “reframe” failure as an opportunity for a new beginning; and we can see conflict as an opportunity to really know what we want and negotiate better what we need to receive. It’s only a matter of framing these two concepts into the right environment!

Several suggestions follow from this concept:

• Find the areas in your life you would change if you could (finances, relationships, work)
• Use each subject you have listed as a heading in a new piece of paper, and write why do you believe you can’t;
• Review the list of beliefs, find the negatives and turn them 180 degrees;
• Have a set of ideas, words and phrases that define the positive framing of each issue.
• Put those positive phrases on cards and read them each night before going to sleep.

If you do a periodic revision of your basic assumptions about life in general, and your happiness in particular, you will see that more positive experiences are happening now that you are in control of the beliefs that determine your reality.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Technorati Tags: attitude change, backstabbing, critique, Emotional Abuse, feelings, happiness, healthy relationships, negative emotions, rejection, resilience, workplace anxiety

What is this powerful indicator that Dr. Gottman was focusing on? The communication styles of both sides, when the fight begins. There are four very definite conflict moves that will tell if you if they know how to fight fair, or if they are going for the yugular, as in other street conflict you can have. There is a fine line between constructive conflict and destructive one…and here it is crossed early on.

Yes, the first sorry mistake is to forget that you are fighting with the person you love, and begin fighting as if your loved one is an enemy to destroy. What kind of satisfaction will you obtain if you win the piddly battle now but lose the war and end up losing your spouse in the long run?

Looks silly to respond that you want to “win”, but that is what most people do. Let’s see how do they fight:

The Nasty Fight has four elements:

a) Begin critizing the other person immediately, about something real or about something you’ve imagined that the person did. It doesn’t matter if it is real, the effect is get the other person feeling critized in a very real way;
b) Defend yourself immediately, and don’t consider if the other person has said something true. To protect yourself is the first duty, and doing that reject any opening to share responsibility or worry by listening.
c) Even better, do the total silence/stonewalling answer. You withdraw from the conversation, deny that you have something to do, and block the communication lines between your spouse and you. 85% of the stonewallers were men, by the way, in Gottman’s study.
d) Contemp is the last move you can do to destroy your partner’s trust on you. You are the superior one, and look at her as from the high levels of your better judgement. She has to appear small, insignificant and silly…help convey this meaning doing some put-downs, correct her ideas or language, make fun of some ideas and laugh at loud at such silliness.

Did you see yourself in some of these behaviors? Are they your first answer when you feel like cornered by circumstances too difficult to accept? And now, are you a bit scared of the price you will pay for this conflict creating behavior?

Well, it’s not so difficult to change and learn to have more positive confrontations. Begin by using phrases like these ones when asking:

“Can you tell me more about what worries you? I’m here to listen;”
” and you were hurt by my behavior? how so?”
” I understand that you did what you did because you had good reasons, and I trust your judgement; perhaps I’m missing information?”
“We need to talk about this issue, and I find myself resisting, but be patient and bring me back when I wander?”
“When you tell me your reactions as now, I feel a bit scared of the consequences, but allow me to walk around a bit…”

More information about how you can learn to have conversations with your partner without aggression? Have a look at Fair Fighting

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Technorati Tags: aggression, backstabbing, confrontation, critiques, feelings, fight, Healthy Marriage, humiliation, negative emotions, put down, reconciliation

Are you kept by your loved one in hurtful, frustrating, and confusing isolation, and you don’t know why? Have you always been afraid of confronting someone you love, because he/she ignores you and gives you the silent treatment on purpose?

Are you getting the cold shoulder, and don’t even know why? Is someone who’s normally eager to speak to you now keeping your conversations to the bare minimum? And, as a result, are you unsure of how to respond in a way that gets you accepted back in important conversations, allowing you to feel included and respected?

Moreover, have you ever been afraid of interpersonal conflicts and their consequences? Unsure of how to respond in a way that promotes a normal, respectful interaction? Are you in a relationship where there is a lot of isolation and rejection on purpose, so you are put in a hurtful, frustrating, and confusing situation? Are you feeling hurt and lonely in an intimate relationship?

Here’s how to confront the person who’s ignoring you without making things worse.FIRST STEP: Learning to assert yourself

Probably nobody taught you in the past how to assert yourself, and in this way you did not had the skills necessary to face difficult interactions….ending in a place where you feel scared, controlled or abused.

Well, here is a way to build your self-esteem and know how to respond to the silent treatment and other exclusionary tactics in a way that respects what you do need, and also takes care of the relationship.

In the past, you could even have developed a way of denying conflicts in order to escape from all confrontations, and ended up forcing yourself to hide your deep frustrations, because you feared that escalating arguments would take the discussion into emotional abuse or any kind of violence? In this way, you explained away and denied the emotional abuse suffered by the cold shoulder you received. If it has happened to you, you know that this is the worst loneliness… the scars of mistrust and anger are still there, waiting to heal. You need to remember that negative emotions have a lingering impact in your overall physical and emotional health.

Now you can begin to see those scars as produced by a passive aggressive method of spousal abuse: rejection by silent treatment. This rejection is insidious because it’s hard to punish someone for not making eye contact or ignoring another person. If the person is confronted by your asking, “Why are you not talking to me?,” the person can easily deny the accusation, explaining it away. You continue feeling isolated and left out, but now, you could even be seen as inventing things!

Well, now there is a better way to react than denial, so you can stop feeling scared or pushed into a little corner…, no more! Now you can learn how to turn around a situation and use it for better purposes. Then, you can learn how to use these easy methods in every aspect of your life: work, family, love.

Assertion is the art of saying what you need or believe in a way that other people can hear you clearly. This ability is essential for effective problem-solving. The alternatives to assertion are submission (letting other’s needs come before yours, which will happen if you accept the cold shoulder treatment for longer time) and aggression – forcing your needs on another person without their agreement. Both are lose-lose options.

SECOND STEP: This is the way to assert yourself:

a) get a clear idea of what is irritating you. If he/she is not speaking to you in front of your friends, that is clearly a hostile behavior that needs addressing. What is the behavior that you want, instead of this? Acceptance, care, attention? Be clear on what you want.

Also, be clear and firm on your personal rights as a dignified person; and firmly believe that your rights, needs, and dignity are just as valid and important as anyone else’s, regardless of age, power, role, or gender.

You need to define a change that you need from someone, and/or to set limits with someone who’s behavior is unacceptable or hurtful to you.

b) Begin describing the negative behavior in clear words: 
“When you ignore me in front of my friends, as you did last night at Mike’s party…”

then state the impact on you: “I feel ignored and rejected.”

then declare that you want a change: “and I need you to (agree to make a specific behavior change: “remember that you are not alone in the party and behave as part of a couple with me)”

Your purpose is not to blame, but to deliver information about the impact of their behavior to the offending party. Messages centered on the “I” pro noun, delivered calmly, with steady, non-apologetic eye contact – have a better chance of being received as information, and not criticism.

The continued use of this response is necessary to provide the PA person with a steady feedback on the impact of their behaviors…..which should extinguish them, if there is a willingness to change.

To your happiness!

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

http://ezinearticles.com/?Are-You-Getting-the-Cold-Shoulder-from-Your-Loved-One,-and-You-Dont-Know-Why?&id=380824

Technorati Tags: angry husband, backstabbing, Cold Shoulder, Healthy Marriage, hidden anger, loneliness

How this issue is broached, makes the whole difference. Can we ask for support without feeling humiliated and put down? Do we have to ask; when it was promised to us from the beginning? If this automatic support falters and our partner sides with others and not with us, can we trust that the relationship is still strong enough?

The basic question is one about the reciprocal commitment to each other´s growth and development, including overcoming childhood traumas by providing here and now the love and recognition that our parents were never able to deliver. We have chosen this partner, and only this partner, with the purpose to heal the past together and experience now the support and appreciation we so much need and cherish.

Then, the real obstacles begin…people are people and most times they cant see the trust deposited in them in the middle of a battle for getting “what I want” over what the other can give…real battles are waged in the wrong conviction that imposing our will we will satisfy the eternal yearning for love and support.

What is sad is how we forget the real needs underneath the positions of the battle format: a need to be accepted and understood, not humiliated or put down by the other.

The real test, the true moment when we can see it this relationship will subsist and deliver its promise is when we can see one side behaving towards the other in the same way his or her parents did: doing humiliation; rejection and put downs with impunity.

Here the circle has closed and we are in the same place we started from and wanted to leave forever…with the help that this partner, selected for our growth, was going to provide.

The helper is now the perpetrator of the verbal and emotional violence we wanted to leave behind in our childhood, and the promise of marriage is broken.

How can we change this dynamics and move on? Perhaps making the explicit contract obvios to both: “we are here together to provide good things for each other; and not to repeat the hurts of the past; if we repeat this treatment so hurtful, then we are not for each other”

Making obvious the deal can help to stop it. Can we from there design another contract including this time the real healing of the hurts of the past? Can we say: “As nobody recognized the good things I did while I was growing up, could you be more generous with your appreciation of me here in the house and when we are with friends? I’d love to hear you saying how much you admire me!”

Neil Warner

Technorati Tags: aggression, backstabbing, emotions, healthy relationships, humiliation, loneliness, love

Are you familiar or have you been in the receiving end of someone of the following “nice attitudes”?

1) The boss that takes full credit from the team’s work thus sabotaging employee advancement;
2) The boss keeps complete control over the project;
3) The boss restrict necessary information for the worker to do a good job;
4) Planning for meetings with the employee and showing up later or never;
5) Overriding the worker’s authority with his team;
6) Criticizing an employee in public, making him feel worthless;
7) Exploiting an employee’s particular talent;
8 ) Withholding employee recognition and praise;
9) Playing another worker against old time employee;
10) Micro-managing decisions which are in the employee power to do.

It’s not easy to survive in jobs where leadership is developing this dangerous attitude. You need a minimum of trust in your work environment to be able to concentrate day to day in what needs to be done according to your job description….why is it so difficult to find leaders you can trust?

A risky work environment is stressful, and you pay a high price for keeping a job in a team you have no confidence in. It can force you to get help for issues of anger management, or stress management, or develop by necessity new skills in understanding passive aggression in the work place. Whatever it takes, it needs to be done if you want to keep a measure of rationality doing a job under a boss that is a challenge in himself!

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of interpersonal experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with positive strategies. You don’t have to stay in a risky workplace relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today. Get your own copy of the ebook “Passive Aggressive Workplace, here, and begin managing your environment better!

Technorati Tags: anger, backstabbing, critique, humiliation, passive aggressive boss, recognition

The ones that bother most are not the openly competitive people, because you know what they want, and there are no surprises in them getting ahead to snag the best projects, and commissions. What you don’t prepare for is the slow sabotage of certain people who feign cooperation and dedication, only to produce consistent failures.

If you were expecting someone to do a shared project, and your own evaluation is supposed to be in the whole project, but one part is not forthcoming, then what do you do? There were lots of promises, guarantees and strong words, but no results. And you don’t know if to believe this person, or to accept that the project is doomed and you are responsible very soon to report a failure.

Here is when the rubber meets the road: you are realizing that his delay is intentional and focused on making you fail! Difficult to believe, but no other plausible explanations are around, so you need to accept you’ve been blindsided by this person.

What do you do: have a strong discussion or say nothing? Knowing that a passive aggressive person won’t fight back, they can clam up, give you the cold shoulder, tell you what you want to hear, or burst into tears and run away.

If you show your anger, the PA will be less cooperative, stop communicating and confirm that you are his enemy, so becoming more hostile and resentful, even to the point of planning his revenge. Then, how do you manage this potentially explosive situation?

For some reason we have been conditioned to avoid any kind of open confrontation, even the healthy ones, and to try to keep up with a forced situation that doesn’t deserve to be called “peace,” but an angry truce.

Let’s go back to the basic situation, where you are a team leader, or a manager, and you have someone in your team behaving in this way. Of course, you know that this person is immature, that his PA behavior is a defense mechanism, and all that. Anyhow, this person is not responding to you!

Now, it becomes really personal…and you shift from an outsider’s view to a very interested insider, because the action is against you or your work objectives…You suddenly realize that the passive aggressive person’s goal is an attempt to control his environment, meaning by that you and your responses. He is controlling at least the time of delivery of this shared project!

What can you do? If you have identified already the presence of this kind of behavior, you know that you have always to design an alternative plan “B” which can provide you with the extra help needed to deliver the project done in time and quality.

If not, then the choice is to continue expecting from him the delivery of his task, or replacing him. In both ways, the “solution” will leave a bad taste in the relationship. The first lesson, “never trust your own evaluation to the hands of other person who cold be passive aggressive,” is learnt. In brief, control your expectations, parcel out important tasks so there are several responsible people involved, and re-check frequently to see how much delay the PA can generate before you stop him.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Technorati Tags: backstabbing, confrontation, control, hidden anger, passive aggressive, resentment, Sabotage, workplace anxiety