The emotional side that makes our decisions has been charmingly called “the old brain.” The old brain doesn’t understand words (a product of reason), but it does understand threats, survival and reproduction.

This changes up the way we think of conflict. It’s no longer a perceived difference of rational opinions (Wikipedia); there is the new idea that conflicts are emotional, in and of themselves. Conflicts seem reason-driven because they are covered up by a cost-analysis rationalization that legitimizes the confrontation.

Here is how the human brain works:

• The new brain thinks: it processes rational data.
• The middle brain feels: It processes emotions and gut feelings.
• The old brain decides: it takes into account the input from the other two brains, but it is the actual trigger of the decision. In other words, the old brain is the boss.

This idea is very practical, because day to day, we can ask ourselves: what primordial needs has my old brain today?

Do I feel insecure in my relationship or my job?
Do I feel threatened?
Is there some basic anxiety around my gut today?

After that, the path is clear: your job is to activate your middle and new brains and evaluate those panic triggers that the older brain is activating:

Is a sure thing that you will starve today?
Are there enemies at your door or is it a simple alarming noise?

In this way, we avoid making decisions ruled by the survival brain, the older one! Our decisions will be more rational and emotional if we evaluate and discard the messages from the older brain. The point is not necessarily to avoid all conflict the old brain alerts us to, but we can learn to separate defense mechanisms (being unnecessarily aggressive with a co-worker) from constructive conflict (a discussion about how to reprimand your children).

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation at Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

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Isn’t it wonderful how we submit to the pixie dust of year end’s magic? besides running here and there to present our best image, our best table and food, our best dress, house, etc, we also enter into a magic territory when it is necessary to design vital goals for us. Because? Just because now, only now, there is an open door to making them happen!

Yeah, right.

Year after year we have promised ourselves to exercise more, eat better and fight fair with our loved ones. It’s not that we ignore the improvement areas in our lives, far from that! Is that it looks more and more like a dialogue of deaf people, an impossible conversation between out higher self images, provided by the more developed parts of our brain, and an old, reptilian core of primitive survival forces located at the base of our head.

We, rational beings, know exactly how much good it would do us to keep an exercise structure…and cherish this wish as if we had an only rational decision-maker in our brain. What is what we deny or ignore? Other parts of our brain…

Even when we don’t know it, we are split and two parts of our brain compete for dominance. Facing a threat to the status quo, your reptilian brain reacts automatically to this planned change as an imaginary attack to the status quo.  What are the choices that the rational, thinking cortex has of winning and imposing an excellent program of exercise over this primal resistance? Almost zero.

The brain stem is the oldest and smallest region in the evolving human brain. It evolved hundreds of millions of years ago and is more like the entire brain of present-day reptiles. For this reason, it is often called the ‘reptilian brain’. Group of cells in the brain stem determine the brain’s general level of alertness and regulate the vegetative processes of the body such as breathing and heartbeat.  It’s concerned with fundamental needs such as survival, physical maintenance, hoarding, dominance, preening and mating. The basic ruling emotions of love, hate, fear, lust, and contentment are generated from this first stage of the brain.

Everything else, (including our self improvement plans) the reptilian brain ignores or leaves behind.

How can you convince your primitive brain that losing weight and starting a running program will be beneficial? Not with logic, of course! The primitive brain continues to feel only basic emotions….so you need to make a nice package:

Wanna change a big part of your personality, like beginning therapy, stoping smoking or controlling anger in your relationship? These are major changes, so you need to plan for the component of seducing your older brain into loving the new activity.

~Convince yourself that you are not changing your life because of running, you are only “adding up to life maintenance routines” feel proud about that;

~Remember the previous (and smaller) behaviors in each time of your life (like when you did learn meditation), recover that attitude and then teach yourself anger management techniques…they are only a continuation of what your brain already knows!

~ In short, you are embracing the basic brain reactions, and building upon them, not uprooting them. We yield to our primitive, survival emotions by accepting them and building upon them…Nothing wrong to include a plan to deal with our basic resistance while dreaming with new behaviors promised in our new year resolutions, but keep in touch with your reptilian core…and throw it a bone! Otherwise, your dreams will go up in smoke as last year!

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation at Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

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We wanted to challenge the “End of the Year Blues”, as we realized how many issues are still without resolution when it comes to important relationships…

With this in mind, we are proud to announce that December will be

“National Relationships Repair Month“

This FREE program spans over 4 whole weeks for a good discussion and healing of the issues that form the base of our relationships, so hidden we usually do not take the time to reflect on them…

We provide here good reading materials for you to learn from, questions and answers and finally, a good plan to restore your relationships. We count with your participation!

Get a good look at this new offer, and hop on board! Here is the link, and remember that we are waiting for you!

http://nationalrelationshipsmonth.com

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation at Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

 

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This learned process allows the child to know where the parent is, and how to get close to the parent. With that knowledge, the child can successfully go to the parent during times of distress, discomfort or hunger. Attachment strengthens the relationship the child associates with the parent: a relationship of security and safety, a base from which to build later independence.

It all seems pretty uniform, right? Not after we look at how delicate this sense of security and safety is. During the first few months to the first year of a child’s life, the strength of those secure feelings relies almost solely on how the parent (attachment figure) acts. The parent has to repeat again and again those experience that make the child feel safe – feeding, rocking, playing, etc. It’s like building up muscle – you have to work out the same spot over and over to build strength!

When the parent reinforces this attachment bond, this strength of security, the child can grow up with a better feeling of well-being. This enables them to explore their world with confidence, as well as being self-assured when making new connections with people they don’t know. When a parent doesn’t reinforce this bond, the opposite happens; a child lacks an internal sense of well-being and self-esteem, which leads to lost opportunities in life as well as strained relationships fraught with mistrust.

This latter style of attachment between parent and child is called avoidant, in which both parties avoid closeness and emotional attachment at all costs. The sad part is that parents who are avoidant are often children of avoidant parents themselves – the cycle just continues, with parents, children and grandchildren all behaving in way that they themselves don’t understand the severity of.

Anxious (also called disorganized or ambivalent) attachment is a mix between the two other styles, where the parent behaves in a disorganized way that leads the child to associate intense emotions with fright and disorganization. They grow up suspecting others of foul play or double-intentions, imagining or even creating unreliability in relationships.

We can use our primary attachment, learned in infancy, to analyze how we approach social relationships. Those attachments we make with parents repeat with friends, teachers and later romantic partners, until we are in a cyclic routine that seems to have no source (or end). It just becomes our “way of being.”

Sometimes, we will have clients come to us who feel that the world is basically emotionally barren (avoidant), where finding any measure of love or trust is impossible. Other times, we have clients who feel that the world is chaotic, full of unreliable emotions and two-faced people surround them… (ambivalent).

We truly feel that although the world is what you can make of it, according to this primal attachment model that you received long time ago,  it doesn’t have to be exactly what your parents and past life made you experience. One of the first ways to re-examine your outlook on life (if you need a boost in your career or love life, for example) is to re-examine your attachment style. What is important to see is that our old attachment models determine the amount of trust and intimacy we can get today with our present partners. If those models have so much power, then surely, changing those models out for better ones has huge potential for your personal and marital growth! And we have even the support of neuroplasticity, the brain’s own ability to grow and change,  to be assured that we can change old attachment patterns by rewiring our brain.

Are you concerned about the lack of trust and intimacy in your relationship? Are you afraid this situation will be permanent “for the rest of your life”?  Do you feel you don’t have the confidence and self-esteem needed to make that next big step or decision in your own life? Conflict Coach can help you identify and re-examine your own personal attachment style, in order to re-invent the attachment models your decision-making brain relies on.

Visit Conflict Coach today for a complimentary coaching session!

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today. 

We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation, followed with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

Technorati Tags: appreciation, attitude change, confrontation, critique, emotions, loneliness, love, resentment, respect, trust

What are some rules that we recommend?

Well, for intense emotional issues and conflicts, there are two rules that we think are non-negotiable – you can’t go without them.

• Confrontation is by appointment only. Conflicts can occur at any time, we know. However, there is a time and a place for discussing problems and issues that are bothering us (i.e., McDonalds over lunch is not one of them). All parties should agree to briefly describe the problem, then make plans for when is a good time for all to talk. This can be as simple as saying, “I’d like to talk about what happened just now. Can we speak at home?”
• Everybody has the right to a time-out. Sometimes things get out of control when emotions like anger or fear escalate. Realize that every person has the right to feel overwhelmed, and the right to ask for a break to calm down and recollect. However, it also that person’s responsibility to make clear when you will reconvene (minutes or days later).

Need more ideas about coming up with family rules? It may help to divide into a few categories: rules that keep the conversation constructive, rules to handle disruptive emotions like anger, rules to improve communication, and how-to rules for reaching solutions that please both parties.

Here are some good examples of rules that pertain to the first category – maintaining constructive conflict:

• Confrontation by appointment only – we talked about this one. Just as a reminder, don’t make an appointment to sit down and talk right before bed, work or school.  There should be enough time to both talk out the issue and mentally unwind afterward.
• Optimal location – location has a lot to do with how constructive the confrontation is. A lot of interruptions will impede the flow of ideas, so pick a quiet place. Avoid the bedroom, which should stay associated with peace and rest. A good place to talk about issues is a calm, neutral, pleasing place. Moving while you talk can keep endorphins going at a nice pace, so a park is often a good place to go. If all else fails, phone conversations can remove a physical space that feels threatening.
• Start on a kind foot – Show your desire for mutual respect and peace by taking their hand, offering a gift or compliment, or anything that you feel is appropriate to diminish hostility. Just don’t go overboard into making it seem like a bribe! Your main objective is to show that you are opening the conversation on a sure ground by professing that you want to protect your relationship’s underlying values. In short: you are saying: we want to improve the good relationship we already have…

Need help creating rules for conflict in the other categories, like reaching workplace resolutions? Visit our conflict coach today to receive a free consultation. Coach Nora can send you on your way to a healthy relationship in no time at all!

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Is it possible to condition and program our brains the same way we would on a computer? The answer is yes! (And don’t worry, you don’t need high-tech skills to do it!) We are conditioning our brains every day, without realizing it. We do this when we use phrases and expressions to talk about ourselves. The little chatter in your head that says, “This I can do, this I can’t, this I’m good enough for, this I’m not,” etc. can make or break your self-esteem.

Why does this little voice have so much power? Because, if we analyze it, these opinions about ourselves don’t come from us. they come from years ago, when the first chatter was children, parents, and others evaluating us according to their standards. Gradually, their voices became the one we use to talk to ourselves! Think of it as living in a certain area for so long that you begin to pick up the same accent as the locals.

So, do you have a problem with speaking in public, because you are extremely self-conscious about your voice? Well, chances are that somewhere in your past, someone teased and judged you about your voice, and now that opinion has been taken up by your brain as true.

This is how smart your brain is: it can take up the smallest instances and fool you (and itself) into making them valid. However, if it’s smart enough to do this in the first place, it’s smart enough to reverse it as well, right? To be more confident about yourself, you need to become self-directed and watch carefully the things you say to yourself (i.e., the inner voice your brain is supplying you with). Are there lots of critical statements? Dismissing comments? Ironic appraisals and accusations about your own capacity?

Once you become aware of this internal negative chatter and where it can be coming from (an unreliable source), you can see how these comments can chip away at your self-esteem. Your communication processes (internal images, thoughts, feelings) need to screened and moderated, so that they can be transformed into a self-building stream of positive reinforcement.

Usually, we dismiss the power of this kind of self-programming. We think that we can’t teach our brain to think in new ways and break out of old routes of logic. If you have been raised as a person not confident about yourself at all, you will be attuned to those negative comments and validating them as real truths.

But you know what? Those “truths” are constructed anyway, so what is preventing you from feeding yourself (constructing) new positive comments?

I know a person who always says things to herself like “Hey, Queen Brilliant,” and “Hey, smarty pants,” and in those moments, she can feel how she becomes extremely happy! We all need to create that powerful state of esteem for ourselves so that excitement and significance are reinforced. That way, we don’t go back into old programmings, those feelings that we are not good at anything that someone, sometime ago, installed in our brains.

We need to program our brains the same way we would a personal computer. We should install the feelings we want, the images of ourselves we want, and the strategies to create the states we want to exist in. Similarly, we need to scour our systems (physical, mental, and emotional) for things that don’t belong and are only slowing us down! If we don’t, everything will be random and eccentric; we’ll never have the ability to access good feelings on cue, and they’ll never stick around.

I have had some wonderful results as I teach these new “programming” or conditioning techniques to my clients and readers. It’s not an instant process, because you actually have to reinforce the nerve cells in your brain while you reinforce your good behavior. However, just by teaching them that low self-esteem is never permanent, they are gaining better self-esteem and self-awareness , and feeling like completely new people because of it! It’s a great thing to see!

If you have low self-esteem and are struggling to find solutions, please contact Coach Nora today for a coaching session, where you’ll learn more about re-programming the negative messages that are keeping you miserable!

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Visit http://conflictcoach.me now.

Technorati Tags: appreciation, attitude change, brain, critique, emotions, feelings, happiness, negative emotions, respect, self-awareness, Self-Esteem, understanding

• Are you accessible when I try to reach out to you?
• Will you be responsive to my needs?
• Are you committed to this relationship?

In other words, beneath the content of words spoken in fights, partners are looking for answers to questions of:

• Are you there for me?
• Are you emotionally present?
• Do you see, value and love me?

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more!

Technorati Tags: appreciation, attitude change, conflict resolution, confrontation, control, critique, Emotional Abuse, forgiveness, happiness, Healthy Marriage, hidden anger, love, recognition

For example – do you and your partner constantly fight? Are there certain behaviors that, whenever your partner does them, you feel attacked, disrespected, and mistreated? Does your partner fire right back, saying, “Well, when you do this, I feel the same way”?

Often, our first instinct is to say: “I’ll change when you do.” However, studies show that the is the LAST way you’ll get the change you want to see. Rather, the best way to see change happen is to act and think the way you want to be treated. If you brain learns, “Okay, this is how I should react here,” you both will be better communicators and lovers.

What we now know about the brain tells us that we need to practice the behaviors we want to have. It is not wishing, but doing, that delivers results. When you invite your brain to develop positive thinking patterns, it causes internal changes that will deliver more trust and positive emotions in the future. The neurons wire together, and they create a new, stronger electrochemical pathway, dropping the negative behaviors you don’t want.

For instance, if you want to change the way you appreciate or recognize your spouse –  knowing that you need to do 5 appreciative comments to delete a harsh, critical one – how would you do it?

We know that successful (happy!) partners still have conflicts like everybody else. However, they do something different from distressed partners, who continue feeling upset, aggravated or hurt by their spouses.

In the free-of-conflict times, positive couples regularly interact in supportive ways. For example, they show interest in the other person (no cold shoulders), offer appreciative comments on any aspect of the other person’s behavior, express their happiness for being in this relationship, plan fun outings together, show, express and receive affection, flirt, and so on. They are priming their brains to be happy so that, when conflict comes along, their thoughts and actions are geared toward respect and happiness.

Why does this work? Does it seem too simple? Think of it this way: acting positively when conflict isn’t happening acts like an emotional bank account. Positive couples draw on this bank account in times of conflict. No more and no less than this simple “brain priming” is necessary to be able to face differences! By being an example for how you want to be treated, and creating an environment of respect, the positive couple can look at conflict with a constructive perspective, ready to learn from it and not using it to destroy the other.

Does it look like a completely simple, fool-proof, basic receipt for enduring happiness? Guess what: it is!

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation (by clicking here), with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

Technorati Tags: angry husband, appreciation, attitude change, backstabbing, Cold Shoulder, conflict, conflict resolution, feelings, love, negative emotions, respect, Silence

These are all normal reactions, as most conflicts are uncomfortable, anxiety-filled situations. However, there are some tricks and tips that can keep you focused and calm during a conflict. The calmer you are, the better you are positioned to defend yourself, reach an agreement, or solve a problem.

Look at your goals; maybe there are some you have made that you still need to pursue. Is there something you really want, or want to see change, that hasn’t been finished because you’re afraid of the conflict involved? If so, keep those things that are worth fighting for at the front of your mind. Don’t let yourself say, “Oh, I’ll get what I want some other day.” You can achieve it today, with a little push and determination. Can you make a list of those important goals now?

Now that you know which goals you are going to pursue, let’s review the skills you need to achieve them. What are those skills?

Making the right questions:

Don’t try to read anyone’s mind. It may seem scary to think you are going to interrupt someone by saying, “What did you mean by….?” However, asking for clarification is the best way to not only smooth the situation, but also to give you a sense of power and control. Otherwise, it is one sided –you listen, and the other person rants. It may also make you feel better, to learn that someone didn’t mean it the way they said it.

Be clear about your right to pursue your goal

Try to think of it as “negotiation,” not “conflict.” When you think of it this way, you tell yourself that you have a stake in the outcome, and thus, you have a right to have your ideas heard, and your needs expressed. Again, telling yourself you have rights and a voice is a great way to make you feel empowered.

Develop a thick skin

If you feel oppressed, ridiculed, or abused in any way, it’s important to take a step back, ask for a breather or a moment alone. Think carefully about the situation, and ask yourself whether you are overreacting, or whether there is more to it. If you consider that there are some indications of emotional abuse included in the tug of war of the negotiation, ask yourself: Is it worth the price if I get what I want? Can I take this way of talking to me as only a trick to get me back off, and ignore it? If you can’t take a bit of pressure from the other side, the other side will know where to pressure you to give in! Smile and keep asking for what you want loud and clear.

Everybody wins

Remember that the idea of conflict is communication –not control. When you are confronted about your behavior, or you confront someone else, the point is not for someone to be the “winner” or the one with more power. The point is merely to have problems addressed and hopefully worked out. Whether those problems are fully solved or not, you should still walk away feeling respect towards the other person, and in turn, respected by them. So, avoid humiliating or attacking the other side, keep acting respectful and gracious, and say: “No need here to leave with the shorter end of the stick…I want for us two to get a solution we both agree on”

Sometimes taking this perspective is well received by the other side; sometimes is not, and you can be seen as a wimp…People sometimes believe that “winning” is humiliating and destroying the other side; so here and now you are teaching the other side a lesson on reciprocal respect. If no appellation works, and the other side is bent on total war and humiliation, then is time to walk out and decide that getting what you want is not worth the price of being humiliated. Walk away saying: “This is not the way I wish for us to deal with each other. Perhaps next time you can listen to what I want and talk to me with respect. I will be waiting”

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more!

Technorati Tags: aggression, attitude change, conflict, confrontation, critique, Emotional Abuse, emotions, feelings, respect, Self-Esteem

How can we promote happiness in our environment? Gratitude could very well be the key.

Because many of us may lead busy and stressful lives that barely give us quality time to spend with our loved ones, we tend to forget that having them in our lives is a blessing. In other words, we focus on the negative instead of the positive, and that makes us surly… which in turn, can make those around us become dour.

But if we consider positive aspects in our lives, then the time we get to spend with our families is a gift instead of a burden. Being grateful for this gift -and honestly so- can be a way of approaching and improving the world around us, and it is a value that we should share with our loved ones.

We live in a society where we are constantly bombarded with the idea that we should feel entitled to having everything and where the rule of thumb is always wanting more. Yet wanting more never made anybody happier and in fact, is a constant cause of anxiety and frustration. On the other hand, there are studies proving that gratefulness brings about more personal satisfaction and a deep sense of well-being.

If for instance you are married and have children, it would be a good idea to instill gratitude in them through little actions, such as asking them to tell you about the good things that happened to them each day, or by allowing them to lead the prayer before dinner and asking them to state something the whole family should be glad about. It’s your own practice of a grateful attitude which will set the pace in your environment, when you share the daily events you feel grateful for.

Besides, this positive environment with less critique and more appreciation makes children more sympathetic and caring.

You could also try being more appreciative towards your spouse. Sometimes, precisely because we see them every day, we become oblivious to how lucky we are to be able to spend time with our chosen life partners! We go the way of entitlement and take them for granted. Remember why you married that person, what led you to choose them, and what led them to choose you.

Remind him too of all the good old things and the good new things. Has she changed any old habit that you were not exactly thrilled about when you met? Thank her for it. Did he take out the garbage without being asked to? Tell him how much you appreciate it. Share with him the idea of instilling gratefulness in your children, which is bound to open a discussion about the benefits this can have in them and in you two as a couple.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation (by clicking here), with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

Technorati Tags: appreciation, attitude change, conflict resolution, emotions, feelings, forgiveness, Healthy Marriage, healthy relationships, love, Resistance