CREATIVE CONFLICT RESOLUTIONS » attitude change

Surprise! you are happiest when sharing issues making your husband unhappy!

alfaprima — Wed, 28 Mar 2012 18:53:21 +0000

According to a new research study conducted by the American Psychological Society, men and women have different criteria for feeling happy in a relationship.

Yeah, shocker, right? However, the criteria this particular study found is interesting, and could help you understand better what your partner needs from you during conflict.

Couples were brought in and videotaped having a discussion about a recent conflict in the relationship. What research found was that men are happiest when they can accurately tell that the woman is happy. However, women are happiest when they can accurately tell that the man is unhappy. In other words, we finally know the answer to the question of “what do women want?”

They want to know that their partners are open enough to share not just happiness, but the harder-to-express unhappiness. Think about how this could apply to your own relationship with your partner. Are you continually feeling dissatisfied with the way that conflict is handled? Do you think it could be because one or both of you is not expressing your true feelings accurately? Men, think about whether or not you’re “holding back” to “prevent” conflict – what if you’re causing more? Women, too, can be inadvertently causing the man to think he has to hide his feelings, depending on how you react to his criticism or negative emotions.

Another interesting facet of this is that when women are expressing unhappiness, some men are not as comfortable or satisfied with the relationship (perhaps because they worry that they, the men, are the cause of the unhappiness?) This also has to do with the fear some people have of being “empathetic” to another person. In some cultures or families, a man feeling empathy for a distraught woman is seen as “weakness” or “vulnerability.” However, this obviously creates dissatisfaction for the female partner, because the man a) doesn’t want to share negativity, and/or b) doesn’t want to hear it. This is unhealthy for both sides because it halts growth and impedes solutions. Now, of course, we are left with the ultimate question:

How do we help men to face negative issues and feelings without escaping, denying or twisting those issues? We know this part os necessary for growth, but….Please, could you share your experiences below? We want to hear from you!

(Read the entire article about the study here)

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation at Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

Emotions, the Hidden Engine of our Decisions!

Nora Femenia — Mon, 12 Mar 2012 17:05:19 +0000

Here’s some new content, inspired by a curated lens from Squidoo on Emotional Health. Do you know what your emotions are making you do?

What if you could harness them to get what you really want out of life? Dr. Silvan S. Tomkins has suggested through his work that we do the things we do in our lives because of how we feel. That is, we are not all as rational as we thought!

Our emotions, even when we don’t recognize them or define them consciously, drive us to make decisions and choose actions.To understand this better (perhaps you’re saying, “No, I’m completely rational!”), think about it in this way. Dr. Tomkins states that being interested in something is a feeling or emotion. That interest then motivates you to act or speak.

So, think about the last time you were interested in doing something. Did you come up with that interest in a logical way (reason), or was it a gut instinct/attraction (emotion)?This, in the end, helps us to understand that when we plan out our lives, and live them each day, our deep interests and desires are driving us to act.

You might think that working a 9 to 5 job is not the result of your emotions, but if you employ your reason, you will probably find that it is: perhaps you are interested in the money, which translates to happiness for you. Perhaps you are interested in the power of one day getting the top position at your company, or the distant possibility of doing something great in the company’s market sector. Or… perhaps you are hiding in a cubicle because you fear that you will fail if you try to do greater things.

When we are infants and young children, we feel more often than we use cognitive processes (think). Our interests are simple: food, shelter, warmth, play, love… i.e., – HAPPINESS! Those feelings still drive us (because who doesn’t want to be happy?), but as adults we’re taught to “think logically” and not let emotion rule us. We think you could have the best of both worlds instead of being pulled in opposite directions.

If you put your brain to work, and look deeper for an explanation of what you’re feeling and why, you could end up creating a life plan that actually makes sense to you, that gives you actual fulfillment by pursuing it. Remember, pursuing happiness can be just as rewarding as achieving it!

If you need help getting your emotions to “explain themselves,” you can talk to one of our coaches in a private, one on one phone session.

Visit us at Conflict Coach to schedule a meeting, your first consultation is free!

Are you passive, assertive, or aggressive?

neilwarner — Mon, 05 Mar 2012 17:39:47 +0000

Your communication style is important to recognize and define, as it affects how people react to you and how they address your needs. In the workplace, it can be especially important to know how you are communicating (and thus how you are perceived) as a professional colleague. It is also important in personal relationships, in order to give and receive needs satisfaction.

The American Management Associationbreaks it down in this way:

1.     ”This is what I think.” (Assertive)
2.     ”This is what I think—you’re an idiot to think otherwise.” (Aggressive)
3.     ”This is what I think, but it’s probably not important to you.” (Passive)

When you have an aggressive communication style, other perceive you as disrespectful of alternate opinions (not good in the workplace!). This can lead to anger and resentment, especially if you are in a leadership position (this goes for managers, parents or partners!). When you are passive, others may think you are not committed because you either feel guilty about offering criticism, or blindly agree with all criticism pointed toward you. You end up being controlled by others in this way, which can make you feel resentful, uncooperative, or unfulfilled. In all cases, relationships cannot grow or move forward when only being pulled toward and satisfying one person’s needs.

Assertive is the most conductive for a healthy life, because it falls between these two. An assertive communication style allows you to express your own ideas and opinions, but also allows for respect of others’ ideas. This promotes an atmosphere of equality, positive progress, and cooperation.

Which communication style are you? Is it affecting your work and home life in a negative way? You can talk to our Conflict Coach about it, and receive a free consultation on your first visit!

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion.
You don’t have to suffer alone in an unhealthy relationship for one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.You can begin with our passive aggressive system created just for men, at Stop Your Passive Aggression, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

So you believe to be a rational decision-maker? How wrong can you be?

alfaprima — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 21:19:25 +0000

According to researchers of the brain, we all make most decisions based on emotions and passions. Surprising, right? It challenges the common notion that we are logical decision-makers, and that emotions (when uncontrolled) are part of the immature self.. As much as we may try to pretend otherwise, in our natural state, we really only use rational thinking when we have to justify our emotion-driven decisions.

The emotional side that makes our decisions has been charmingly called “the old brain.” The old brain doesn’t understand words (a product of reason), but it does understand threats, survival and reproduction.

This changes up the way we think of conflict. It’s no longer a perceived difference of rational opinions (Wikipedia); there is the new idea that conflicts are emotional, in and of themselves. Conflicts seem reason-driven because they are covered up by a cost-analysis rationalization that legitimizes the confrontation.

Here is how the human brain works:

The new brain thinks: it processes rational data.
The middle brain feels: It processes emotions and gut feelings.
The old brain decides: it takes into account the input from the other two brains, but it is the actual trigger of the decision. In other words, the old brain is the boss.

This idea is very practical, because day to day, we can ask ourselves: what primordial needs has my old brain today?

Do I feel insecure in my relationship or my job?
Do I feel threatened?
Is there some basic anxiety around my gut today?

After that, the path is clear: your job is to activate your middle and new brains and evaluate those panic triggers that the older brain is activating:

Is a sure thing that you will starve today?
Are there enemies at your door or is it a simple alarming noise?

In this way, we avoid making decisions ruled by the survival brain, the older one! Our decisions will be more rational and emotional if we evaluate and discard the messages from the older brain. The point is not necessarily to avoid all conflict the old brain alerts us to, but we can learn to separate defense mechanisms (being unnecessarily aggressive with a co-worker) from constructive conflict (a discussion about how to reprimand your children).

New Year’s Resolutions Doomed to Fail?

alfaprima — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 22:00:32 +0000

Isn’t it wonderful how we submit to the pixie dust of year end’s magic? besides running here and there to present our best image, our best table and food, our best dress, house, etc, we also enter into a magic territory when it is necessary to design vital goals for us. Because? Just because now, only now, there is an open door to making them happen!

Yeah, right.

Year after year we have promised ourselves to exercise more, eat better and fight fair with our loved ones. It’s not that we ignore the improvement areas in our lives, far from that! Is that it looks more and more like a dialogue of deaf people, an impossible conversation between out higher self images, provided by the more developed parts of our brain, and an old, reptilian core of primitive survival forces located at the base of our head.

We, rational beings, know exactly how much good it would do us to keep an exercise structure…and cherish this wish as if we had an only rational decision-maker in our brain. What is what we deny or ignore? Other parts of our brain…

Even when we don’t know it, we are split and two parts of our brain compete for dominance. Facing a threat to the status quo, your reptilian brain reacts automatically to this planned change as an imaginary attack to the status quo. What are the choices that the rational, thinking cortex has of winning and imposing an excellent program of exercise over this primal resistance? Almost zero.

The brain stem is the oldest and smallest region in the evolving human brain. It evolved hundreds of millions of years ago and is more like the entire brain of present-day reptiles. For this reason, it is often called the ‘reptilian brain’. Group of cells in the brain stem determine the brain’s general level of alertness and regulate the vegetative processes of the body such as breathing and heartbeat. It’s concerned with fundamental needs such as survival, physical maintenance, hoarding, dominance, preening and mating. The basic ruling emotions of love, hate, fear, lust, and contentment are generated from this first stage of the brain.

Everything else, (including our self improvement plans) the reptilian brain ignores or leaves behind.

How can you convince your primitive brain that losing weight and starting a running program will be beneficial? Not with logic, of course! The primitive brain continues to feel only basic emotions….so you need to make a nice package:

Wanna change a big part of your personality, like beginning therapy, stoping smoking or controlling anger in your relationship? These are major changes, so you need to plan for the component of seducing your older brain into loving the new activity.

~Convince yourself that you are not changing your life because of running, you are only “adding up to life maintenance routines” feel proud about that;

~Remember the previous (and smaller) behaviors in each time of your life (like when you did learn meditation), recover that attitude and then teach yourself anger management techniques…they are only a continuation of what your brain already knows!

~ In short, you are embracing the basic brain reactions, and building upon them, not uprooting them. We yield to our primitive, survival emotions by accepting them and building upon them…Nothing wrong to include a plan to deal with our basic resistance while dreaming with new behaviors promised in our new year resolutions, but keep in touch with your reptilian core…and throw it a bone! Otherwise, your dreams will go up in smoke as last year!

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation at Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

December is The National Relationships Repair Month

alfaprima — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 18:10:38 +0000

As the end of the year approaches, we at Creative Conflicts have been busy thinking how we could make this end of the year different for you and for us…

We wanted to challenge the “End of the Year Blues”, as we realized how many issues are still without resolution when it comes to important relationships…

With this in mind, we are proud to announce that December will be

“National Relationships Repair Month“

This FREE program spans over 4 whole weeks for a good discussion and healing of the issues that form the base of our relationships, so hidden we usually do not take the time to reflect on them…

We provide here good reading materials for you to learn from, questions and answers and finally, a good plan to restore your relationships. We count with your participation!

Get a good look at this new offer, and hop on board! Here is the link, and remember that we are waiting for you!

http://nationalrelationshipsmonth.com

Neil Warner

Rebuild New Trust in Your Relationships

alfaprima — Thu, 30 Jun 2011 22:32:26 +0000

Attachment patterns are being created even as the child is being delivered from the womb. Attachment to others is inborn and instinctive, part of the brain that evolves as a self-protection measure for the child.

This learned process allows the child to know where the parent is, and how to get close to the parent. With that knowledge, the child can successfully go to the parent during times of distress, discomfort or hunger. Attachment strengthens the relationship the child associates with the parent: a relationship of security and safety, a base from which to build later independence.

It all seems pretty uniform, right? Not after we look at how delicate this sense of security and safety is. During the first few months to the first year of a child’s life, the strength of those secure feelings relies almost solely on how the parent (attachment figure) acts. The parent has to repeat again and again those experience that make the child feel safe – feeding, rocking, playing, etc. It’s like building up muscle – you have to work out the same spot over and over to build strength!

When the parent reinforces this attachment bond, this strength of security, the child can grow up with a better feeling of well-being. This enables them to explore their world with confidence, as well as being self-assured when making new connections with people they don’t know. When a parent doesn’t reinforce this bond, the opposite happens; a child lacks an internal sense of well-being and self-esteem, which leads to lost opportunities in life as well as strained relationships fraught with mistrust.

This latter style of attachment between parent and child is called avoidant, in which both parties avoid closeness and emotional attachment at all costs. The sad part is that parents who are avoidant are often children of avoidant parents themselves – the cycle just continues, with parents, children and grandchildren all behaving in way that they themselves don’t understand the severity of.

Anxious (also called disorganized or ambivalent) attachment is a mix between the two other styles, where the parent behaves in a disorganized way that leads the child to associate intense emotions with fright and disorganization. They grow up suspecting others of foul play or double-intentions, imagining or even creating unreliability in relationships.

We can use our primary attachment, learned in infancy, to analyze how we approach social relationships. Those attachments we make with parents repeat with friends, teachers and later romantic partners, until we are in a cyclic routine that seems to have no source (or end). It just becomes our “way of being.”

Sometimes, we will have clients come to us who feel that the world is basically emotionally barren (avoidant), where finding any measure of love or trust is impossible. Other times, we have clients who feel that the world is chaotic, full of unreliable emotions and two-faced people surround them… (ambivalent).

We truly feel that although the world is what you can make of it, according to this primal attachment model that you received long time ago, it doesn’t have to be exactly what your parents and past life made you experience. One of the first ways to re-examine your outlook on life (if you need a boost in your career or love life, for example) is to re-examine your attachment style. What is important to see is that our old attachment models determine the amount of trust and intimacy we can get today with our present partners. If those models have so much power, then surely, changing those models out for better ones has huge potential for your personal and marital growth! And we have even the support of neuroplasticity, the brain’s own ability to grow and change, to be assured that we can change old attachment patterns by rewiring our brain.

Are you concerned about the lack of trust and intimacy in your relationship? Are you afraid this situation will be permanent “for the rest of your life”? Do you feel you don’t have the confidence and self-esteem needed to make that next big step or decision in your own life? Conflict Coach can help you identify and re-examine your own personal attachment style, in order to re-invent the attachment models your decision-making brain relies on.

Visit Conflict Coach today for a complimentary coaching session!

Neil Warner

We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation, followed with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

Technorati Tags: appreciation, attitude change, confrontation, critique, emotions, loneliness, love, resentment, respect, trust

Keep the Peace using Conflict Rules

alfaprima — Thu, 09 Jun 2011 15:13:56 +0000

Today we have a useful step for resolving frequent conflict in family relationships. Create “rules of engagement” with your partner or family members, and make sure that the rules are clear to everyone. The next time there is a conflict, these rules are to be strictly followed.

What are some rules that we recommend?

Well, for intense emotional issues and conflicts, there are two rules that we think are non-negotiable – you can’t go without them.

Confrontation is by appointment only. Conflicts can occur at any time, we know. However, there is a time and a place for discussing problems and issues that are bothering us (i.e., McDonalds over lunch is not one of them). All parties should agree to briefly describe the problem, then make plans for when is a good time for all to talk. This can be as simple as saying, “I’d like to talk about what happened just now. Can we speak at home?”
Everybody has the right to a time-out. Sometimes things get out of control when emotions like anger or fear escalate. Realize that every person has the right to feel overwhelmed, and the right to ask for a break to calm down and recollect. However, it also that person’s responsibility to make clear when you will reconvene (minutes or days later).

Need more ideas about coming up with family rules? It may help to divide into a few categories: rules that keep the conversation constructive, rules to handle disruptive emotions like anger, rules to improve communication, and how-to rules for reaching solutions that please both parties.

Here are some good examples of rules that pertain to the first category – maintaining constructive conflict:

Confrontation by appointment only – we talked about this one. Just as a reminder, don’t make an appointment to sit down and talk right before bed, work or school. There should be enough time to both talk out the issue and mentally unwind afterward.
Optimal location – location has a lot to do with how constructive the confrontation is. A lot of interruptions will impede the flow of ideas, so pick a quiet place. Avoid the bedroom, which should stay associated with peace and rest. A good place to talk about issues is a calm, neutral, pleasing place. Moving while you talk can keep endorphins going at a nice pace, so a park is often a good place to go. If all else fails, phone conversations can remove a physical space that feels threatening.
Start on a kind foot – Show your desire for mutual respect and peace by taking their hand, offering a gift or compliment, or anything that you feel is appropriate to diminish hostility. Just don’t go overboard into making it seem like a bribe! Your main objective is to show that you are opening the conversation on a sure ground by professing that you want to protect your relationship’s underlying values. In short: you are saying: we want to improve the good relationship we already have…

Need help creating rules for conflict in the other categories, like reaching workplace resolutions? Visit our conflict coach today to receive a free consultation. Coach Nora can send you on your way to a healthy relationship in no time at all!

: Neil Warner

We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation (by clicking here), with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

Technorati Tags: angry husband, appreciation, attitude change, Cold Shoulder, conflict, conflict coach, conflict resolution, conflict rules, confrontation, control, emotions, feelings, fight, frustration, happiness, Healthy Marriage, healthy relationships, negative emotions, Relationships, respect, Self-Esteem, understanding

Would you Program Your Brain for High Self-Esteem?

alfaprima — Fri, 27 May 2011 16:30:53 +0000

If you are having trouble with your low self-esteem, the first place you should start is your brain. You need to train it to accept praise from others, and to praise itself as well.

Is it possible to condition and program our brains the same way we would on a computer? The answer is yes! (And don’t worry, you don’t need high-tech skills to do it!) We are conditioning our brains every day, without realizing it. We do this when we use phrases and expressions to talk about ourselves. The little chatter in your head that says, “This I can do, this I can’t, this I’m good enough for, this I’m not,” etc. can make or break your self-esteem.

Why does this little voice have so much power? Because, if we analyze it, these opinions about ourselves don’t come from us. they come from years ago, when the first chatter was children, parents, and others evaluating us according to their standards. Gradually, their voices became the one we use to talk to ourselves! Think of it as living in a certain area for so long that you begin to pick up the same accent as the locals.

So, do you have a problem with speaking in public, because you are extremely self-conscious about your voice? Well, chances are that somewhere in your past, someone teased and judged you about your voice, and now that opinion has been taken up by your brain as true.

This is how smart your brain is: it can take up the smallest instances and fool you (and itself) into making them valid. However, if it’s smart enough to do this in the first place, it’s smart enough to reverse it as well, right? To be more confident about yourself, you need to become self-directed and watch carefully the things you say to yourself (i.e., the inner voice your brain is supplying you with). Are there lots of critical statements? Dismissing comments? Ironic appraisals and accusations about your own capacity?

Once you become aware of this internal negative chatter and where it can be coming from (an unreliable source), you can see how these comments can chip away at your self-esteem. Your communication processes (internal images, thoughts, feelings) need to screened and moderated, so that they can be transformed into a self-building stream of positive reinforcement.

Usually, we dismiss the power of this kind of self-programming. We think that we can’t teach our brain to think in new ways and break out of old routes of logic. If you have been raised as a person not confident about yourself at all, you will be attuned to those negative comments and validating them as real truths.

But you know what? Those “truths” are constructed anyway, so what is preventing you from feeding yourself (constructing) new positive comments?

I know a person who always says things to herself like “Hey, Queen Brilliant,” and “Hey, smarty pants,” and in those moments, she can feel how she becomes extremely happy! We all need to create that powerful state of esteem for ourselves so that excitement and significance are reinforced. That way, we don’t go back into old programmings, those feelings that we are not good at anything that someone, sometime ago, installed in our brains.

We need to program our brains the same way we would a personal computer. We should install the feelings we want, the images of ourselves we want, and the strategies to create the states we want to exist in. Similarly, we need to scour our systems (physical, mental, and emotional) for things that don’t belong and are only slowing us down! If we don’t, everything will be random and eccentric; we’ll never have the ability to access good feelings on cue, and they’ll never stick around.

I have had some wonderful results as I teach these new “programming” or conditioning techniques to my clients and readers. It’s not an instant process, because you actually have to reinforce the nerve cells in your brain while you reinforce your good behavior. However, just by teaching them that low self-esteem is never permanent, they are gaining better self-esteem and self-awareness , and feeling like completely new people because of it! It’s a great thing to see!

If you have low self-esteem and are struggling to find solutions, please contact Coach Nora today for a coaching session, where you’ll learn more about re-programming the negative messages that are keeping you miserable!

Technorati Tags: appreciation, attitude change, brain, critique, emotions, feelings, happiness, negative emotions, respect, self-awareness, Self-Esteem, understanding

Will you be there for me?

alfaprima — Wed, 11 May 2011 05:54:49 +0000

In the inner game of relationships, there are core questions that make or break them. Those questions refers to the most basic needs we humans have: for companionship and recognition:

Are you accessible when I try to reach out to you?
Will you be responsive to my needs?
Are you committed to this relationship?

In other words, beneath the content of words spoken in fights, partners are looking for answers to questions of:

Are you there for me?
Are you emotionally present?
Do you see, value and love me?

In short, the present relationship presents the (un) resolved issues of our early childhood attachments… raising their heads again.

We need someone who can give us the exact doses of certainty, of recognition of who we are, of what we are as persons.

Is this implicit request at the core of all our interactions: “Do I have from you the needed attention so I can feel valuable?”

If we accept this initial proposition, then another follows that is almost inevitable:

“Are you going to give me the necessary recognition for my life to be enjoyable, or do I need to start a conflict with you in order to get your attention away from your computer and into me and my needs?”

Can you agree in seeing any dispute as a way to reclaim the missing attention from our beloved ones? If they are not naturally focusing on us, can we start a fight in order to re-focus on relationship issues?

If we remember the basic contract in a marriage: to be there for each other, then even a dispute is a legitimate call for attention that needs to be solved!

Technorati Tags: appreciation, attitude change, conflict resolution, confrontation, control, critique, Emotional Abuse, forgiveness, happiness, Healthy Marriage, hidden anger, love, recognition

CREATIVE CONFLICT RESOLUTIONS » attitude change

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