1) We want to maximize the expression and the experience of interest and joy in our lives and the lives of those around us.

2) We want to minimize the expression of negative feelings of all concerned. Those feelings I will specifically name as: anger, fear, distress, disgust and shame.

3) The way to achieve the goals of # 1 and # 2 is to express ALL FEELING whether they be positive or negative!

4) We do this by educating ourselves and others about the importance of feelings both negative and positive. We develop understandings between us that it is ok to express any type of feeling. We develop articulated rules for doing so.

… Always keep in mind that this can happen to and be expressed by anyone in the room. We need not feel guilty for expressing our suffering if we are not the ill partner. Expressing our suffering lets the other know that their suffering has meaning and is reflected in the other. We all end in recognizing, on a higher level, that to suffer is human and in the end we feel better.

(See the whole article here)

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to suffer alone in an unhealthy relationship for one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.You can begin with our passive aggressive system created just for men, at Stop Your Passive Aggression, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

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Technorati Tags: abuse, anger, appreciation, conflict resolution, Emotional Abuse, emotions, frustration, hidden anger, humiliation, passive aggression, peace, repressed anger

According to a new research study conducted by the American Psychological Society, men and women have different criteria for feeling happy in a relationship.

Yeah, shocker, right? However, the criteria this particular study found is interesting, and could help you understand better what your partner needs from you during conflict.

Couples were brought in and videotaped having a discussion about a recent conflict in the relationship. What research found was that men are happiest when they can accurately tell that the woman is happy. However, women are happiest when they can accurately tell that the man is unhappy. In other words, we finally know the answer to the question of “what do women want?”

They want to know that their partners are open enough to share not just happiness, but the harder-to-express unhappiness. Think about how this could apply to your own relationship with your partner. Are you continually feeling dissatisfied with the way that conflict is handled? Do you think it could be because one or both of you is not expressing your true feelings accurately? Men, think about whether or not you’re “holding back” to “prevent” conflict – what if you’re causing more? Women, too, can be inadvertently causing the man to think he has to hide his feelings, depending on how you react to his criticism or negative emotions.

Another interesting facet of this is that when women are expressing unhappiness, some men are not as comfortable or satisfied with the relationship (perhaps because they worry that they, the men, are the cause of the unhappiness?) This also has to do with the fear some people have of being “empathetic” to another person. In some cultures or families, a man feeling empathy for a distraught woman is seen as “weakness” or “vulnerability.” However, this obviously creates dissatisfaction for the female partner, because the man a) doesn’t want to share negativity, and/or b) doesn’t want to hear it. This is unhealthy for both sides because it halts growth and impedes solutions. Now, of course, we are left with the ultimate question:

How do we help men to face negative issues and feelings without escaping, denying or twisting those issues? We know this part os necessary for growth, but….Please, could you share your experiences below? We want to hear from you!

(Read the entire article about the study here)

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation at Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

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Technorati Tags: anger, angry husband, attitude change, communication, conflict resolution, domestic violence, empathy, feelings, frustration, happiness, Healthy Marriage, healthy relationships, identification, love, positive emotions

If you could change something about your relationship, what would it be? More respect? More trust? More commitment?

We all have times where our partners don’t give us what we want, but sometimes we also don’t get what we need - the basic foundation traits of a healthy relationship. Without our basic relationship needs being fulfilled, it’s hard to function as healthy, happy people, isn’t it?

Now a permanent part of our sibling site, National Relationships Month, the Deep Love Needs Survey offers you the opportunity to explain your deepest relationships needs to us. We’re listening to you! We read your responses every day to get an idea of what new resources we can create to help you, so that we can help you on your way to achieving relationship happiness! 

You’ll also get a free coaching session for taking the survey!

Ready to go? Visit us today at the Deep Love Needs Survey

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Technorati Tags: aggression, anger, Cold Shoulder, conflict, confrontation, critique, frustration, humiliation, isolation, loneliness, love, negative emotions, reconciliation, rejection, Relationships, resentment, verbal abuse

Isn’t it wonderful how we submit to the pixie dust of year end’s magic? besides running here and there to present our best image, our best table and food, our best dress, house, etc, we also enter into a magic territory when it is necessary to design vital goals for us. Because? Just because now, only now, there is an open door to making them happen!

Yeah, right.

Year after year we have promised ourselves to exercise more, eat better and fight fair with our loved ones. It’s not that we ignore the improvement areas in our lives, far from that! Is that it looks more and more like a dialogue of deaf people, an impossible conversation between out higher self images, provided by the more developed parts of our brain, and an old, reptilian core of primitive survival forces located at the base of our head.

We, rational beings, know exactly how much good it would do us to keep an exercise structure…and cherish this wish as if we had an only rational decision-maker in our brain. What is what we deny or ignore? Other parts of our brain…

Even when we don’t know it, we are split and two parts of our brain compete for dominance. Facing a threat to the status quo, your reptilian brain reacts automatically to this planned change as an imaginary attack to the status quo.  What are the choices that the rational, thinking cortex has of winning and imposing an excellent program of exercise over this primal resistance? Almost zero.

The brain stem is the oldest and smallest region in the evolving human brain. It evolved hundreds of millions of years ago and is more like the entire brain of present-day reptiles. For this reason, it is often called the ‘reptilian brain’. Group of cells in the brain stem determine the brain’s general level of alertness and regulate the vegetative processes of the body such as breathing and heartbeat.  It’s concerned with fundamental needs such as survival, physical maintenance, hoarding, dominance, preening and mating. The basic ruling emotions of love, hate, fear, lust, and contentment are generated from this first stage of the brain.

Everything else, (including our self improvement plans) the reptilian brain ignores or leaves behind.

How can you convince your primitive brain that losing weight and starting a running program will be beneficial? Not with logic, of course! The primitive brain continues to feel only basic emotions….so you need to make a nice package:

Wanna change a big part of your personality, like beginning therapy, stoping smoking or controlling anger in your relationship? These are major changes, so you need to plan for the component of seducing your older brain into loving the new activity.

~Convince yourself that you are not changing your life because of running, you are only “adding up to life maintenance routines” feel proud about that;

~Remember the previous (and smaller) behaviors in each time of your life (like when you did learn meditation), recover that attitude and then teach yourself anger management techniques…they are only a continuation of what your brain already knows!

~ In short, you are embracing the basic brain reactions, and building upon them, not uprooting them. We yield to our primitive, survival emotions by accepting them and building upon them…Nothing wrong to include a plan to deal with our basic resistance while dreaming with new behaviors promised in our new year resolutions, but keep in touch with your reptilian core…and throw it a bone! Otherwise, your dreams will go up in smoke as last year!

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation at Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

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Technorati Tags: anger, attitude change, confrontation, critique, emotions, feelings, fight, frustration, happiness, healthy relationships

However, is it possible that there is also such a thing as a “good” enemy? If so, can a bad enemy be turned into a good one?

Let’s remember what a marriage is. It’s a process, an agreement. Both sides agree to develop as individuals while also connecting with each other. In this way, each grow as separate human beings, but they grow (or at least try to) at the same pace and they grow in the same relationship. However, we know this isn’t always how it works out: often, the rate of growth becomes uneven, and both partners try to manage their differences in opinion, understanding, and perception (individual growth) without challenging the union that they’re trying to uphold.

That’s where the fights and arguments come in; they come with the territory of any relationship. Not only are they caused by different patterns of growth and understanding, conflicts are also essential to that growth itself. However, some relationships quickly fall into trouble if one or neither of the partners is at the point where they can handle that conflict in the right way. You need to learn how to be a good enemy, so you can confront yourself and your partner with the truth of your own reality, emotions and needs.

Thus, we can say that passive aggression is the “bad” enemy approach to conflict and growth. Passive aggression demands a reaction to conflict that deals with denial, retreat and sabotage. Being a “good” enemy demands a reaction to conflict that learns and creates growth.

So what behaviors does a “good” enemy have? Yes, you’re right in thinking, “Whatever the opposite of passive aggression is!” But let’s be a little more specific and break it down.

Do you avoid confrontation, escape from legitimate arguments or outright reject you partner’s arguments? That’s being a bad enemy.

If you fight your battles looking only at your self-interest, forgetting that you are part of a couple, and answering fire with fire, or all you care about is your self-defense, or if you are too proud or stubborn to admit your share of the troubles, that also makes you a bad enemy.

On the other hand, a good enemy does not avoid any arguments, but listens and makes an effort to understand the conflicting situation from the other side’s perspective. If you have strength of character and abundance of patience, you will be able to listen carefully and with enough respect as to make your partner deeply understood.

If you are able to tolerate the voices, the cries or the attacks, and keep asking for the causes of the anger, then you are able to determine what your partner is crying out for, perhaps because there is a felt need for contact or because the loneliness is expressing itself…

Signs of being a good enemy to your partner:

- You always remember how important is for your partner to feel good about himself each day;

- You are able to offer an apology and thus break communication barriers;

- You praise your partner whenever contributing positive ideas;

- You recognize and accept your shortcomings and think of ways for you to becoming a better partner;

- You treat your partner with respect and dignity at all times, even when you are raging mad at him/her.

The skills of a good enemy are:

- Never escalate the anger and the screaming;

- Deal with the problems in an easy, calm and self-empowered manner;

- Focus and remember the positive aspects that enhance the relationship;

- Be able to control situations, know when to stop and to say enough;

- Be able to make solid decisions, and sacrifice your self-interest.

You must also understand that in your relationship, to have it surviving and growing you should always work through your problems and settle your differences in a cooperative way. We said before that this does require patience and practice, and if you feel that your skills in this “good” enemy arena are not up to par, we can help!

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having  a conflict coach session, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

Technorati Tags: anger, angry husband, conflict resolution, confrontation, Emotional Abuse, frustration, humiliation, resilience, Self-Esteem

We are now watching this information about a whole society filled with Wounded Children (the name we use here in this blog to name adults carrying around their own, repressed ACEs) doing the best they can to survive the wounds of their childhood, that are produced in and by people in their most significant relationships.

The same place where our birth places us is the home that will give us any one of the adverse experiences listed below,  and in this way will put limits to our future possibility for happiness…

It is highly possible that our parents, by allowing any ACE to happen, are only reproducing the painful conditions of their own childhood; but the reality of us transmitting such pain to the new generations is very difficult to accept.

The ACE Study is an ongoing collaboration between the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and Kaiser Permanente. It is perhaps  the largest scientific research study of its kind, showing a direct, causal relationship between nine categories of adverse childhood experience:

• physical abuse;
• emotional abuse;
• sexual abuse;
• an alcohol and/or drug abuser in the household;
• an incarcerated household member;
• living with someone who is chronically depressed, mentally ill, institutionalized, or suicidal;
• witnessing domestic violence against the mother;
• parental discord indicated by divorce, separation, abandonment;
• emotional or physical neglect

The presence of each one of the Adverse Childhood Experiences determines at least 18 physical, mental and behavioral health outcomes. If you are brave enough, can you identify how many of those experiences were there, in your home when you were growing up?

The more ACEs people have had in their formative years, the higher the rate of mental, physical, behavioral disease and disability in the population, including higher rates of chronic disease, low educational achievement and increased violence.

In the words of the Adverse Childhood Experiences Study authors:

“The ACE Study reveals a powerful relationship between our emotional experiences as children and our physical and mental health as adults, as well as the major causes of adult mortality in the United States.

It documents the conversion of traumatic emotional experiences in childhood into organic disease later in life. How does this happen, this reverse alchemy, turning the gold of a newborn infant into the lead of a depressed, diseased adult?

The Study makes it clear that time does not heal some of the adverse experiences we found so common in the childhoods of a large population of middle-aged, middle class Americans. One does not ‘just get over’ some things, not even fifty years later.”

Whatever we can plan or imagine that would improve relationships in the home, is adding to the possibility that any newborn could have the whole deck of healthy possibilities allowed for his/her future.

http://www.heraldnet.com/article/20110514/OPINION03/705149995

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation (by clicking here), with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

Technorati Tags: aggression, anger, conflict, domestic violence, Emotional Abuse, frustration, healthy relationships, humiliation, isolation, loneliness, love, negative emotions, Relationships, respect, Self-Esteem

By MARIE HARTWELL-WALKER, ED.D.

For some people, this is a truly radical idea: There is no need to fight with your partner. Ever. Accusations, recriminations, character assassination, threats, name-calling, and cursing, whether delivered at top volume or with a quiet sarcastic sneer, damage a relationship, often irrevocably. Nobody needs to be a monster or to be treated monstrously. Nobody who yells will ever be heard. In the heat of a moment, it is always a choice whether to go for a run or run your partner down.

On the other hand, no two people in the world, no matter how made for each other they feel, will ever agree about everything at all times. (It would be quite boring if they did.) Couples do need to be able to negotiate differences. They do need to have room for constructive criticism. They do need a way to assert opinions and to disagree. And they do need to have a way to express intense feelings (that the other person may not understand or support) without feeling that they will be judged as lacking for doing so. READ MORE HERE:

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2008/10-rules-for-friendly-fighting-for-couples/

Technorati Tags: anger, appreciation, conflict, conflict resolution, confrontation, control, critique, fight, forgiveness, humiliation, passive aggressive, reconciliation

Every day, we come into contact with people that are walking emotional bundles. They carry the weight of past experiences with them, framing their present experiences as well as whatever wrong assumptions about life they have gained from those hurts.

Their previous experiences have conditioned them, from childhood on, to see the world as a dangerous place, full of treacherous people and pregnant with risk. It’s best not to trust anybody! Because of this frame of reference, they can’t keep an open and trusting attitude about interpersonal interactions.

When you think about dealing with people like this, it is easy to see why they are called difficult people or difficult relationships. They are scared, resistant to trust others or directly rejecting cooperation out of mistrust.

Are they the walking wounded? You bet! The best way of framing this interaction is to see them as non-mature people (regardless of their age), that act as wounded children. They sulk, are easily frustrated and upset, get paranoid when given feedback and in general show a reduced ability to work with others in shared projects.

What is the next step, once you’ve realized that you’re dealing with a difficult person?

Don’t take their behavior personally. Their troublesome behavior is their own way of reacting to life, was there before you, and is directed to everybody they come into contact with.

Don’t fight back or try to beat them at their own games. They are consummate artists who have been practicing their skills for a lifetime, so don’t get into responding fire with fire. You will merely be showing them that dealing with other people is too complicated to handle.

Don’t give in to unreasonable requests. If you give them what they want just to appease them or put them in a good mood, they will request more and more later.

Don’t try to change them, you are not their parents/therapist or significant other.

Well, wait. Did we just tell you what NOT to do? Yes. Because in a situation like this, there is really only one thing you CAN do, and have a healthy outcome.

It’s this:

You can only change your responses to their behavior, not the behavior itself. In doing so, and doing it consistently and firmly, they will begin to recognize a cause and effect trend. I.e., if I push someone away in this way, the result is this. Or, if I demand this, I get that.

So, the bottom line is that you have to have a clear idea of what you stand for, tell people your position in a calm, clear way, walking away when they use intimidation, guilt or abuse to get you to do what you don’t consider appropriate for your place in the relationship and all the time avoiding getting emotionally involved.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today,by reading the ebook: Passive Aggressive Workplace.

Technorati Tags: anger, attitude change, conflict, conflict resolution, control, critique, frustration, humiliation, negative emotions, passive aggression, rejection, resentment, Resistance

Though the question is hard, maybe even confrontational, it is important to remember that everyone has points in their lives where they need to sit down and evaluate their roles, performance, and habits. Start by evaluating the relationship between yourself and your boss.

Here, we will address the signs of a difficult boss. If the signs are unfamiliar, perhaps the next step is to look for patterns in your own work ethic.

Lack of experience – many people find it hard to work under someone who got their position because of education, knowing the right people, etc. It means that they did not spend years climbing the ladder or struggling for a position. As such, a boss who does not deserve their position may ask you to do things they themselves don’t know how to do.

Unfortunately, that causes them to have twisted expectations of time. They may ask you to do a task in 30 minutes, not realizing (because they’ve never done it) that the task actually takes 3 hours.

Takes credit for your work – this is self-explanatory. If your boss or coworker takes the credit for something you did, you have an unhealthy situation. A good boss is willing to spread the credit around, because it builds confidence and trust among employees.

Blames you for mistakes – although a difficult boss will take credit, they will also lay blame, perhaps because they’ve been put on the spot and don’t want to look bad. Ideally, a boss should accept any mistakes made in the office as their responsibility – after all, they were in charge. Whatever reprimands happen later is between you and your boss, but a level of respect and confidentiality should always be maintained.

Lastly, a good boss encourages you to grow professionally. They see your success as their success. Alternatively, a difficult boss will think of their advancement first, choosing not to mentor or support employees in their own goals. Not only is it unkind toward your personal needs, it shows a lack of interest in the well-being and growth of the company.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Technorati Tags: anger, angry boss, bad boss, conflict, confrontation, control, fight, frustration, humiliation, respect, workplace anxiety

These are all normal reactions, as most confrontations are uncomfortable and anxiety-filled situations. However, there are some tricks and tips that can keep you focused and calm during a confrontation. The calmer you are, the better prepared you are to defend yourself, reach an agreement, or solve a problem.

Look at your goals; maybe some you’ve made that still haven’t gotten done. Is there something you really want, or want to see change, that hasn’t been finished because you’re afraid of the confrontation involved? If so, keep those things, the things worth fighting for, at the front of your mind. Don’t let yourself say, “Oh, I’ll get what I want some other day.” You can achieve it today, with a little push and determination.

Don’t try to read anyone’s mind. It may seem scary to think about interrupting someone and saying, “What did you mean by….?” However, asking for clarification is the best way to not only smooth the situation, but also give you a sense of power and control. Otherwise, it is one sided – you listen, and the other person rants. It may also make you feel better, to learn that someone didn’t mean it the way they said it.

Try to think of it as “negotiation,” not “confrontation.” When you think of it this way, you tell yourself that you have a stake in the outcome, and thus, you have a right to have your ideas heard, and your needs expressed. Again, telling yourself you have rights and a voice is a great way to make you feel empowered.

If you feel oppressed, ridiculed, or abused in any way, it’s important to take a step back, ask for a breather or a moment alone. Think carefully about the situation, and ask yourself whether you are overreacting, or whether there is more to it. If you feel it is some kind of abuse, or if you simply can’t decide for yourself, it may be time to ask a third party (mediator, therapist, etc.) to step in.

Remember that the idea of confrontation is communication – not control. When you are confronted about your behavior, or you confront someone else, the point is not for someone to be the “winner” or the one with more power. The point is merely to have problems addressed and hopefully worked out. Whether those problems are fully solved or not, you should still walk away feeling respectful of the other person, and in turn, respected by them.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Technorati Tags: aggression, anger, appreciation, communication, conflict, critique, feelings, forgiveness, goals, negative emotions, reconciliation