In life, we are always learning how to do relationships better. Is a constant process... and we can never be completely sure that we do it to the complete satisfaction of the person we relate to.
In short, being happy in a relationship is a moving target, and we can aspire only to a decent average of happy days, and a low percentage of crisis, wich are painful opportunities to learn something about ourselves.
The basic tool that I use is the ever balancing of needs: how much do I care for my own needs and how much do I care for the other person's needs? Is in this balance that everything is evaluated, measured and practiced. Too much stress on my own needs and there is no relationship but only self-absorption; too much dedication to others and my own self would not get developed....Is in this daily evaluation that our own personal growth happens. How well can I balance both interests will allow me and others to be happy and connected.
How do you do it? By being very careful about identifying your own needs....you have to watch about how well your own needs of security and comfort, (having life basics) variety (some excitement and novelty), significance (to feel important in the eyes of your loved ones), love and connection (in a personal relationship) and personal growth (self-development) are solved day by day. At the same time, watching carefully how your partner is going about the business of solving his/her needs with your help is the other part of the deal.
When needs are frustrated, and our partner is ignoring our needs, conflict follows. In which other way are you going to call his/her attention, otherwise? At the end, we end up having to fight...when it would be otherwise more intelligent to make a contract where we explicitly promise to attend each other needs... That's the reason sometimes we also need a good enemy, that person wh can call our attention to a situation where we are not fulfilling needs of people around us...
Would you like to comment? or to get an idea about how to fight fair?