It's important that both sides of a couple can trust the strength of their secure relationship. Often the insecurities of one partner affect the entire foundation for both. So helping your partner to feel more secure will in turn make you feel more secure.
We all carry within us past experiences from as far back as childhood that affect how secure we feel with our partners. But just because our comfort with closeness is deep rooted, doesn't mean it can’t be repaired and improved right now.
Common insecurities in a relationship
- He feels you will leave him if he upsets or disagrees with you.
- He fears that you are spending more time at work, with your friends, or even with your children because you don’t want to spend time with him.
- Not enough physical intimacy makes him worry you aren't attracted to him
- OR Physical intimacy makes him vulnerable and worry he will be too easily hurt
- He is not getting one or more of his needs met and feels neglected or unworthy
Talking to your partner in the right way is the biggest thing you can do to build a Secure bond between you. You need to know how to send the message that even when there are problems, the relationship is secure and both of you can deal with the challenges.
Always speak calmly, give him eye contact and explain your thoughts and feelings. Your partner, even during conflict, needs to know you respect, appreciate, support and care for him.
“I love you, but I don’t like it when you.... because..... It doesn't change how I feel about you, but I need to you not do that again.”
“I care about you and what you say and think, but I don’t agree with what you said (repeat what you heard him say and be open to the possibility that you misunderstood.)
“I have a big project at work right now and am going to have to stay late doing... 3 nights this week. But I will miss you and would like to …. with you when I get home.”
“I’m really excited to see my friends this week because.... and I would love to plan a date night with you too since I will be with them on Tuesday.”
“The kids have a big concert coming up at school and need some extra help. Maybe you could join us so I don’t miss out on time with you.”
Comment on something you like about his looks. Initiate contact - kissing, touching his back or shoulder as you walk by, or sex.
“I notice sometimes holding hands or kissing you bothers you - I want you to know that I enjoy touching you to show you that I care and I trust you, and I am so attracted to you.”
“I would love to know about... (what you are working on/what your goals are right now/what I can do for you/etc.
“I really appreciate that you...(this could even be a small task.)
“You are so good at....” (pick something, anything, just tell him!)