Intimacy refers to the degree in which you need emotional closeness with your partner. It can be terrifying to really reflect on the emotional needs for dependency we humans have, and how do we satisfy or frustrate those needs…If it is true that we all need a degree of openness and proximity to others we love and trust, at the same time it exposes us to disappointment, frustration and outright harm.
Here is the trade off: perhaps you need to experience emotional closeness and security with a special person, because it makes you feel complete and thus you tend to be open with this partner. Intimacy and trust and openness go together.
The best situation is when you are clearly comfortable with giving and receiving emotional intimacy. Previous experiences have been positive and you crave more of a good thing…no fear or anticipation of negative consequences because of being open. You can afford to express your need for intimacy and enjoy receiving it.
There is a natural expectation of openness, in which you tend to believe your partner returns your feelings and devotion and being generally comfortable with surrendering yourself to a partner. In this frame of heart, you probably would experience surprise and concern if you found that there were serious secrets between you and your partner.
Does it matter if your partner’s feelings are equally as strong as yours? Probably to a certain degree…but you know that men and women are experiencing intimacy in a different way, and it can not be compared. Still, for you it is a given that you are willing to take the risks associated with being vulnerable on many levels, because this is the ideal form of connection with a loved one, and the only one that nurtures your needs.
However, it is important for you that the person nears you values and needs a degree of proximity similar to yours. When you did find this person, the the real game of being near begins!
Sometimes you wonder how to test the other person’s level of needed intimacy, because to be unsure that both desire and need the same compromise to be near is really damaging. Fights, disputes and heated arguments sometimes cover up a hidden question: “do you care about this as much as I do?”
A person who ignores your wishes for proximity, or makes fun of them, is too scared of being near. Previous experiences have told this person that if you get too near, terrible things can happen, basically that one person will tend to dominate the other, making a psychological and emotional dependent…
On the other side, you need to know if the other person considers that he has the moral duty to share almost everything with you, as not to develop walls in your relationship that will separate the couple in the future. If this person reserves his right to hold back what is “incorrect, or improper” to share, then inevitably you will see different degrees of commitment and trust. Even the idea that is best not to argue or dispute so as not to “upset” you, covers a lethal attitude wherein you will be kept apart from aspects of his life he deems out of the marriage limits.
Again, is this a kind of experience that you want, when you need trust and intimacy? It is worth to explore carefully, respectfully but deeply, what are the reciprocal needs for intimacy…any person who experiences your needs as too demanding, and plans to hold back, will be a constant source of frustration and loneliness. Now, you know what to look for!
Neil Warner
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