This Valentine season, you will have (or give) diamonds, nice red roses, a fancy evening and bittersweet chocolate. With the exception of the diamonds, all the rest can be forgotten in a week. Which is the most important gift that you want for your relationship? Is the one you really need conjugal peace and harmony? After all, both peace and chocolate will help you stay healthy and happy – but which one helps you avoid the constant fighting that can lead to divorce?

Why do couples fight? Marital squabbles can be over lots of things:

• Control struggles (who’s in charge) and how decisions are made

• Degree of reciprocal control or independence

• Treatment of in-laws and significant relatives

• Sex: how, when, why, by whom, varieties

• Money: earning, managing, saving and spending

With the objective of controlling, humiliating or winning over the other, all kinds of negative things are said, things that are difficult to take back. The results are very sad; repetition of the fight, which is inevitable when it is not resolved, will sour the relationship. Fair fighting is designed to deal with issues that bring conflict without destroying the relationship.

We need to remind you that “love” as it is known in songs and popular conversations, has no meaning if it not carried along a certain set of behaviors. Those love behaviors have to be learned, and applied. Once you accept this, you will find that your life is infinitely more satisfying and rich, because people will recognize immediately that you know how to treat them well!

Want to know how to spark some passion in your relationship? See our case study at Relationship Repair.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation at Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

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Technorati Tags: fair fighting, health marriage, love, marriage, passion, relationship repair, Relationships, Valentine's Day

Isn’t it wonderful how we submit to the pixie dust of year end’s magic? besides running here and there to present our best image, our best table and food, our best dress, house, etc, we also enter into a magic territory when it is necessary to design vital goals for us. Because? Just because now, only now, there is an open door to making them happen!

Yeah, right.

Year after year we have promised ourselves to exercise more, eat better and fight fair with our loved ones. It’s not that we ignore the improvement areas in our lives, far from that! Is that it looks more and more like a dialogue of deaf people, an impossible conversation between out higher self images, provided by the more developed parts of our brain, and an old, reptilian core of primitive survival forces located at the base of our head.

We, rational beings, know exactly how much good it would do us to keep an exercise structure…and cherish this wish as if we had an only rational decision-maker in our brain. What is what we deny or ignore? Other parts of our brain…

Even when we don’t know it, we are split and two parts of our brain compete for dominance. Facing a threat to the status quo, your reptilian brain reacts automatically to this planned change as an imaginary attack to the status quo.  What are the choices that the rational, thinking cortex has of winning and imposing an excellent program of exercise over this primal resistance? Almost zero.

The brain stem is the oldest and smallest region in the evolving human brain. It evolved hundreds of millions of years ago and is more like the entire brain of present-day reptiles. For this reason, it is often called the ‘reptilian brain’. Group of cells in the brain stem determine the brain’s general level of alertness and regulate the vegetative processes of the body such as breathing and heartbeat.  It’s concerned with fundamental needs such as survival, physical maintenance, hoarding, dominance, preening and mating. The basic ruling emotions of love, hate, fear, lust, and contentment are generated from this first stage of the brain.

Everything else, (including our self improvement plans) the reptilian brain ignores or leaves behind.

How can you convince your primitive brain that losing weight and starting a running program will be beneficial? Not with logic, of course! The primitive brain continues to feel only basic emotions….so you need to make a nice package:

Wanna change a big part of your personality, like beginning therapy, stoping smoking or controlling anger in your relationship? These are major changes, so you need to plan for the component of seducing your older brain into loving the new activity.

~Convince yourself that you are not changing your life because of running, you are only “adding up to life maintenance routines” feel proud about that;

~Remember the previous (and smaller) behaviors in each time of your life (like when you did learn meditation), recover that attitude and then teach yourself anger management techniques…they are only a continuation of what your brain already knows!

~ In short, you are embracing the basic brain reactions, and building upon them, not uprooting them. We yield to our primitive, survival emotions by accepting them and building upon them…Nothing wrong to include a plan to deal with our basic resistance while dreaming with new behaviors promised in our new year resolutions, but keep in touch with your reptilian core…and throw it a bone! Otherwise, your dreams will go up in smoke as last year!

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation at Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

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Technorati Tags: anger, attitude change, confrontation, critique, emotions, feelings, fight, frustration, happiness, healthy relationships

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We wanted to challenge the “End of the Year Blues”, as we realized how many issues are still without resolution when it comes to important relationships…

With this in mind, we are proud to announce that December will be

“National Relationships Repair Month“

This FREE program spans over 4 whole weeks for a good discussion and healing of the issues that form the base of our relationships, so hidden we usually do not take the time to reflect on them…

We provide here good reading materials for you to learn from, questions and answers and finally, a good plan to restore your relationships. We count with your participation!

Get a good look at this new offer, and hop on board! Here is the link, and remember that we are waiting for you!

http://nationalrelationshipsmonth.com

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation at Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

 

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Technorati Tags: attitude change, communication, conflict resolution, confrontation, emotions, feelings, forgiveness, frustration, happiness, Healthy Marriage, healthy relationships, love, marriage, recognition, reconciliation, Relationships, resilience, respect

In the Harvard Business Review Magazine, we found this article by Anne Morriss and others, who say that excessive focus on our own goals, interests and priorities is damaging to organizational objectives. In short, self-interest is not conducive to group success. Here is the quote:

“One leader we studied fell into this destructive behavior after a long, successful run at a number of software companies. Troy’s bosses had always valued his drive and accountability. But when customer complaints began pouring into the service division he was managing, he pinned the blame on the “mediocrity” of the product development division, claiming that his team had to support an inferior product.

Troy’s COO disagreed and began to hint that Troy’s job was on the line: After all, the complaints had started accumulating on his watch. To shore up his position, Troy started working to win over senior colleagues one by one—“picking them off,” as he put it—by asking for feedback on his performance. His strategy worked to some extent. Senior management recognized that he was committed to improving his leadership skills. But the customer service problems just got worse. People began trashing the company on influential blogs, and demands for refunds kept rising. The more Troy worked to save his job, the harder his job became.

Troy had a leadership breakthrough when one of his service representatives asked for help resolving the growing conflict with the product development team. The rep’s despair triggered a shift in Troy’s thinking—away from worrying about his own position and toward healing the split between the two divisions. Troy hosted a series of cross-team meetings and made sure that both groups felt heard. By the third meeting, the teams were brainstorming about ways to solve the service problem together, by improving the software and helping customers learn how to better use it.

Like other effective leaders, Troy changed his focus from protecting himself to supporting the members of his team and making sure that customers were happy. Within a few weeks, demands for refunds began to decrease, even though the company hadn’t yet made any upgrades to the product.

The decision to focus on others can feel dangerous. It forces you to take your eyes off your own welfare and to stop scanning the horizon for predators. Risk aversion is a protective mechanism wired into our DNA; that’s why security concerns generally trump impact. But all breakthrough leaders find ways to tame their security impulses. Most are amazed by the energy and meaning they discover when they no longer define themselves by their personal needs and fears.”

Quite a lesson. Being brave enough to think about the well-being of others (solving a conflict between team members) shifts the focus of this manager from his own goals, and even makes him take the such a risky position as being concerned about others!

It’s time that, even coming from very tame research papers from prestigious educational entities, we begin challenging the self-centered models that lead the social contract into failure and begin promoting more socially oriented mindsets. I’m glad to see that what redeems this manager is the always new and promising activity of peacemaking and conflict solving.

More information can be found at: http://hbr.org/2011/01/managing-yourself-stop-holding-yourself-back/ar/pr

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation at Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

 

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Technorati Tags: communication, conflict, conflict resolution, leaders, leadership, management, success, team building, teamwork, workplace communication, workplace conflict

But what about group interaction? As humans, we have a foundational need to belong to the group – which group you want to belong to, you decide, but you still have a need for company. When we are excluded or “ostracized” in any interaction, it strikes a blow to our self-esteem. This even includes interactions with strangers, such as networking seminars for work, group activities at school, blind dates or any other point where we might be rejected by a stranger. It is also devastating on youngsters; the impact of school bullying, where one person is selected to be rejected by a group of peers, has long lasting effects on self-esteem.

Of course, being rejected by a loved one or family member can be even more painful.

You might already know that passive aggressive behavior often revolves around avoiding rejection – the emotion is so painful that it calls for hurting others first. But even if you’re not passive aggressive, you know what it’s like to be rejected, and you probably subconsciously avoid the emotion. According to Kipling D. Williams, a Purdue University expert, ostracism can cause pain that often is deeper and lasts longer than a physical injury; he calls it an “invisible form of bullying.”

What happens in the brain when we’re rejected? Interestingly, the part of our brains that register physical pain also feel the sting of emotional pain like rejection.

Studies have shown that there is no one personality that is more or less susceptible to rejection and its damaging effects – it happens to all of us. Some of us may cope with rejection differently, however; we may try harder to be included by being more obliging and doing extra favors. Or, we may try to get attention by provoking others or even being aggressive. In extreme situations, continually being rejected can lead us to become overall less friendly and more aggressive to people, acting out on the sadness and pain that we’re feeling. Imagine having an intense wound that rude people kept poking their fingers in – wouldn’t you be angry and stop trusting those who approach saying “I’m only here to help”?

Anyone who is in this situation should know that there is always help out there for those willing to seek it. Even just a wise friend can help you, or a supportive coach. Another tip is to analyze carefully who you’re trying to be included with – are those you’re trying to impress promoting unhealthy ways of life and communication? Remember that your best bet at having a happy life is to surround yourself with others who are accepting and supportive – not negative and harsh.

And of course – remember that you can reject others, too, and cause them pain. Be aware of both your own emotions and those of others in order to put a stop to the vicious cycle of rejecting others by impulse to hurt, without thinking about the pain inflicted.

Do you need help learning how to cope with rejection, or how to know if you are rejecting others without realizing it? A Conflict Coach can help you here, with lessons and tips that will be useful to you in healing. Please visit Conflict Coach today to learn more.

Technorati Tags: abuse, belonging, brain, bullying, communication, Emotional Abuse, emotional needs, emotional pain, interaction, ostracization, ostracized, rejected, rejection, relationship conflict, Relationships, Self-Esteem

Annie’s husband was often abusive to her. Usually, he would get upset if she wasn’t paying him her complete attention. A week before today, she was finishing dictating her daily report for work in the phone, when he began to scream at her for not paying attention to him. He slammed the door when leaving the house. But Annie – even when hurt – did her usual routine: she cleaned, cooked for him and kept the house in order besides attending her full-time job.

She decided that the most adequate response was to continue as if nothing happened; she attributed his behavior to exhaustion and had her best face on when he came home. Was she being empathetic to him? Or was she being a person unable to stand up for herself? Even more important: was her response the right behavior for stopping emotional abuse in the future?

The answer to the last question is “NO.” There are many factors by which people decide to ignore abuse, but it will not make the abuse disappear if you ignore it and be nice to your abuser.

Annie went through much of the early relationship believing that if she could be accepting and supportive, continually creating a loving home atmosphere, her husband’s abusive behavior would disappear. Unfortunately, she was in fact rewarding her husband’s negative behavior.

In response to his temper tantrum, Joe found her being attentive, nice and caring toward him. Ask yourself: why would he change his treatment of his wife if she responds so positively to his abuse?

We know through psychological research that behavior varies depending on its consequences. The “no critique, no punishment” that is Annie’s ideology only sends a message that she can take it, and that Joe will get what he wants when he acts abusively.

Hence, if Annie is nice to Joe when he treats her badly, she is signaling her submission to his anger and teaching him that is OK to continue being abusive.

So, what is the right attitude for healing emotional abuse? A firm, assertive response that clearly expresses your unhappiness. No grey areas here, but a strong condemnation of the abuse, and a definition of what is acceptable in the future.

As in:

“When you become so angry with me that you yell and curse like this morning, I feel really upset and hurt. That abusive behavior threatens the trust I have in you.”

“If this abuse goes on, I will leave the house. I will stay by myself until we can both reconsider what kind of marriage we want and how to get it.”

Learning to speak up assertively has to be following by congruent actions: If you say that you will leave the house temporarily when he yells at you, then do it. There is no other way to teach an abusive husband what are your limits about what kind of behavior will be acceptable.

If you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, being assertive requires respecting yourself. You need to realize that you are worthy of gentle, caring and respectful treatment by the person who says loves you the most. You also need to realize that you have a right to demand that treatment from the person who calls himself your “partner.”

Do you need help learning assertive techniques, or learning how to respect and empower yourself? We have many resources that you can start with:

• A coaching session with Coach Nora to talk about your personal situation and what is best for you.
• “Healing Emotional Abuse,” a book specifically for women who have left (or want to leave) emotionally abusive relationships.
• Our Healing Emotional Abuse blog, dedicated to giving you more information about what emotional abuse is.

You don’t have to suffer silently through abuse for a single day of your life. Learn what your options are today, and start living the life you want NOW.

Technorati Tags: abuse, assertive, emotionally abusive relationships, empowerment, healing emotional abuse, Self-Esteem, stopping emotional abuse

Why are we attracted to other people? It’s a question for the ages, isn’t it? Usually, at the heart of the matter, we feel that our attraction to others is just something we can’t explain and can’t control. But something we’ve been talking about here should ring a bell with you now: what if your brain is making choices about who you’re attracted to, based on criteria you’re not aware of?

Brain scan studies have shown that early romantic love generates a unique pattern of brain activity. Regions of the brain related to addiction and even mental illness light up on the scan when a person sees a photo of his or her beloved. This happens regardless of the culture the person is from, telling us that attraction depends mostly on this search that the inner brain is doing for its “love object.”

The brain’s reaction to a new acquaintance carrying the promise of romantic love happens even before our rational, conscious cognition kicks in. The brain is definitely subconsciously looking for, and responding to, something in this other person. But what is it?

We are in the early stages of knowing how the brain works. Ours is only a guess, but perhaps what the brain is looking for is to re-establish a bridge to a person, a person with characteristics similar to the one who caused and primed us for relationships: the caretaker figure. What the qualities this caretaker had (secure, ambivalent, avoidant), this was the way of brain defined “love.” Then and there, that became the model we had for connection. The brain said to itself, this caretaker helps us survive, so their definition of “love” must be the right one.

You can see where this can become a problem. If you had an avoidant caretaker, your brain is hardwired to search for other avoidant people to love you. You may suddenly realize at 40 that you want a secure attachment, and if you look back, you’ll see that you already had good, secure people in your past. They were there, they approached you, and you rejected them because they were boring! They lacked the drama of your own avoidant attachment, which taught you that anger, abandonment and emotional isolation were “the way connections are supposed to be.”

Here, the meaning of the word “detox” comes to the fore. If you realize that you have become an “addict” to people who are insecure, anxious and always running away from commitment, simply because this was your first relationship blueprint, how do you detox your brain from this?

How can you teach your brain to light up when it finds a secure person, who can respect and accept you warts and all? This is the core of “being in relationships as existential learning theory”: how can a secure relationship teach your brain to love? How can you re-train your brain to stop going after toxins, and start seeking nourishment, essentially choosing how your brain is going to see the world?

This is what we are here for; this is what we help people do. Don’t hesitate to begin healing with us today, if your situation is like the one above. Your entire person deserves fulfillment that is nourishing and conducive to your growth; not toxins supplied by destructive persons. Call us today at Conflict Coach to speak about how you can shift your perspectives and train your brain for love.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation at Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

 

Technorati Tags: accept love, attachment, attachment style, brain, detox, healthy love, Healthy Marriage, healthy relationships, passive aggressive, passive aggressive relationships, Relationships, toxic marriage, toxic relationships

But a great relationship relies on all of those things, comfortably shared. So how can you learn to improve your willingness to communicate with each other, if it doesn’t come naturally to one or both of you?

Firstly, it is important that you stay honest with yourself about what you need in a relationship, and from life in general. Remember, relationships satisfy us emotionally because we provide each other with things we need: love, respect, support, commitment. When we provide each other with what we each need, we grow at the same pace because we are each at a positive level. Beyond that, there are also other needs each of you have that have to be brought out in the relationship: commitment to careers, life goals, dreams, favorite activities, etc. For example, if one partner isn’t aware that something is important to the other, imagine their surprise when suddenly, a date is postponed for a meeting with a beloved mentor!

Your needs tie into what you expect from a relationship, and what you won’t condone. If you know ahead of time that you are not comfortable with this or that (for example, if you think hard and admit that you have a tendency to be jealous and expect attention) then you can communicate that to your partner early on.

When we talk about communicating our boundaries with each other, there are some basic ideas at play: how much of your life you want to share, how much of your resources you want to become “shared” (money, for example), and how much emotion you’re willing to invest in order to make your partner happy.

Kind of like balancing your budget, you need to decide how much you’re willing to “spend” in the relationship. Now, you don’t have to be exacting and superficial on this, but you should have an idea of how much of yourself and your time you’re willing to share. Not only does this tell you something about yourself and your emotional needs regarding intimacy, it tells you how willing you are to commit to your partner in the long run. If you feel you are “investing” more than you are comfortable with just so the other person is happy, you will short-change yourself in the long run. Your relationship needs to go at a pace that seems a good fit for both of you.

When sharing your boundaries and intimacy “budget” with your partner, remember that no one can read your mind. You have to be clear, and if you really feel something is important to you, state it. Don’t hesitate to share your true feelings, although of course you want to do it with compassion and respect (as you would want done to you, if you overstep or make someone else feel uncomfortable or threatened). If you feel that something is especially hurtful toward you, say so the first time you feel wronged. State how it makes you feel and that you won’t allow it.

Lastly, of course, is to remember that your partner is doing this mental analysis of himself, as well! He’d better know his boundaries, just like you. You can encourage your partner to share their needs and desires with you, but you’ll only be convincing if you offer some honesty in return. When the two of you feel you can be honest with each other, you can quickly get to the heart of matters and conflicts. You can feel free to say, “Yes, here, this makes me uncomfortable,” or “Here, we disagree because we each come from these two opinions about gender roles.” Once the two of you are in that space of near-objectivity, you can begin to look not only around, inside, and through issues, but beyond them. You can see all the opportunities for common growth!

Many couples struggle with how to set boundaries properly and respectfully. If you find yourself in a relationship where boundaries are being crossed (and you don’t know how to express your true feelings) or a new relationship where you’re not sure how much of yourself to give, don’t hesitate to call on one of our coaches for support. We are always here for you and your relationship needs! Visit Conflict Coach today for your private, confidential consultation.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today. We can begin by you receiving from Conflict Coach a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

 

Technorati Tags: boundaries, comfort zone, commitment, conflict, conflict resolution, honesty, insecurity, intimacy, limits, love, openness, Relationships, Self-Esteem, sharing, trust

However, is it possible that there is also such a thing as a “good” enemy? If so, can a bad enemy be turned into a good one?

Let’s remember what a marriage is. It’s a process, an agreement. Both sides agree to develop as individuals while also connecting with each other. In this way, each grow as separate human beings, but they grow (or at least try to) at the same pace and they grow in the same relationship. However, we know this isn’t always how it works out: often, the rate of growth becomes uneven, and both partners try to manage their differences in opinion, understanding, and perception (individual growth) without challenging the union that they’re trying to uphold.

That’s where the fights and arguments come in; they come with the territory of any relationship. Not only are they caused by different patterns of growth and understanding, conflicts are also essential to that growth itself. However, some relationships quickly fall into trouble if one or neither of the partners is at the point where they can handle that conflict in the right way. You need to learn how to be a good enemy, so you can confront yourself and your partner with the truth of your own reality, emotions and needs.

Thus, we can say that passive aggression is the “bad” enemy approach to conflict and growth. Passive aggression demands a reaction to conflict that deals with denial, retreat and sabotage. Being a “good” enemy demands a reaction to conflict that learns and creates growth.

So what behaviors does a “good” enemy have? Yes, you’re right in thinking, “Whatever the opposite of passive aggression is!” But let’s be a little more specific and break it down.

Do you avoid confrontation, escape from legitimate arguments or outright reject you partner’s arguments? That’s being a bad enemy.

If you fight your battles looking only at your self-interest, forgetting that you are part of a couple, and answering fire with fire, or all you care about is your self-defense, or if you are too proud or stubborn to admit your share of the troubles, that also makes you a bad enemy.

On the other hand, a good enemy does not avoid any arguments, but listens and makes an effort to understand the conflicting situation from the other side’s perspective. If you have strength of character and abundance of patience, you will be able to listen carefully and with enough respect as to make your partner deeply understood.

If you are able to tolerate the voices, the cries or the attacks, and keep asking for the causes of the anger, then you are able to determine what your partner is crying out for, perhaps because there is a felt need for contact or because the loneliness is expressing itself…

Signs of being a good enemy to your partner:

- You always remember how important is for your partner to feel good about himself each day;

- You are able to offer an apology and thus break communication barriers;

- You praise your partner whenever contributing positive ideas;

- You recognize and accept your shortcomings and think of ways for you to becoming a better partner;

- You treat your partner with respect and dignity at all times, even when you are raging mad at him/her.

The skills of a good enemy are:

- Never escalate the anger and the screaming;

- Deal with the problems in an easy, calm and self-empowered manner;

- Focus and remember the positive aspects that enhance the relationship;

- Be able to control situations, know when to stop and to say enough;

- Be able to make solid decisions, and sacrifice your self-interest.

You must also understand that in your relationship, to have it surviving and growing you should always work through your problems and settle your differences in a cooperative way. We said before that this does require patience and practice, and if you feel that your skills in this “good” enemy arena are not up to par, we can help!

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having  a conflict coach session, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

Technorati Tags: anger, angry husband, conflict resolution, confrontation, Emotional Abuse, frustration, humiliation, resilience, Self-Esteem