CREATIVE CONFLICT RESOLUTIONS » Self-Esteem

Keeping self-esteem by negotiating your boundaries

Nora Femenia — Fri, 04 May 2012 16:54:39 +0000

In conflict situations, emotional and physical boundaries set the tone for how conflict will be handled, and even when/how conflict will arise. For some, a lack of boundaries creates contact that is more intrusive than intimate; for others, too many boundaries create alienation and distrust between partners.

We often hear from clients that the boundaries (or the lack of) set up by their partners are causing trouble in the relationship. However, did you know that emotional boundaries are a necessary part of being a healthy human being?

We set boundaries to prevent ourselves from being vulnerable, easily hurt, or easily upset. A healthy amount of separation from the intensity of the moment (and the other person) helps us to make decisions and objectively from our own values, not from other people’s pressures.

Dr. Cheryl MacDonald backs this up in “How Self-Love and Boundaries Mix” with an interesting point about those people involved in harmful conflict:

People who feel emotionally vulnerable or those who desperately want to seek approval from others are most susceptible to losing their sense of self because the protection, the “bubble wrap”, their emotional boundary was not noticed, properly set, or communicated. Be cautious about making too many compromises, as the “bubble wrap” can expand to the point of breaking, and may cause people to question their own thoughts, feelings and identity. This questioning leaves a hole in people’s self-esteem. Emotional boundaries are flexible; however they can break under stress …

Boundaries are thus something that each person in a relationship needs, and those boundaries must be properly communicated. Boundaries are defined differently for each person, but it boils down to those things you like and those things you don’t.

When you don’t like something, and you make this clear to your partner and other people, you are setting an emotional boundary. As long as this boundary is set up to keep your self-worth (not push the other person away), this boundary can help you keep up a healthy sense of self. Remember that being in a relationship doesn’t mean becoming one person, but sharing a life. You can still be your own person while also being in a relationship!

You may struggle with emotional boundaries if you were not taught sufficient self-love and independence (essentially, self-love means that you decide how you think about yourself, a form of setting boundaries between your opinions and others’ opinions). Dr. MacDonald points out in her article that:

“If people had a healthy, nurturing childhood, they probably grew up feeling grounded, and learned how to protect their sense of self-love, self-worth and have a sense of feeling internally proud. They learned how to set emotional boundaries, and learned how to say no, because they felt loved as a child. In their childhood experiences, there was no need to scavenge for affection, or try desperately to please, just to gain attention and love.”

What about you? Have you been struggling with emotional boundaries in your relationship? Perhaps you experience the autonomous decision-making of your partner as cold, isolating and feel pushed away? It could be that you need to negotiate better your reciprocal emotional boundaries? You can talk to us about the boundary problems in your relationship by talking to Dr. Nora, our conflict coach.

Nora Femenia is a well-known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and sign-up free to connect to her creative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation at Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

Abusive Behavior First Red Flag? Hear Him Yelling at You!

neilwarner — Sat, 14 Apr 2012 18:59:53 +0000

There is one emotional abuse sign that brings such a painful shock, we all try to rationalize and process it fast, as to get it out of our awareness.

It’s the shock a woman feels the first time he screams, calls her a name or insults her. He is angry, shouting and facing her down with his entire wrath. Let’s remember this shock; the first sign that the promise of marriage (“to be together to love and respect each other”) was not taken seriously, but were only words.

As a spouse, you have to feel shocked, hurt and totally blindsided by his attack. There is no way we can cover up and deny the total effect of this aggression on us. It is sudden, unexpected, and leaves us with a sour taste afterwards… how do we make sense of this aggression in the midst of a marriage we believe “reasonably happy”?

How to recover the lost sense of security from being with him, when you don’t know if this terrible anger episode will repeat itself?
What if he is harboring a LOT of anger against you, and he is unable to process and release it? You don’t want to consider this possibility!

Almost by mandate, we immediately try to forget the incident or make excuses for his behavior to cover it up.

Why would a spouse cover up this abusive behavior?

It is too big a signal that there are huge hidden personality issues not recognized, but working underneath. Either because there is fear of the unknown aspects, or inability to discuss them; we choose denial and cover up by saying: “he was stressed out, too tired, under a lot of pressure, etc.”

This is the first mistake of an emotionally abusive relationship: not taking this violation of interpersonal limits seriously. Without that, taking care of healing the verbal and emotional abuse impact is not taken seriously, either.

By staying passive and not drawing a line, you are sending him the message that says it is ‘OK’ to treat you this way. You tell him that he has not crossed your boundaries in a way that is not acceptable, and give him permission to do it again. And he will… The more deep interpretation of this interaction can be this:

- He is yelling at you;
- You accept, understand him and forgive him;
- He is testing your limits, seeing how far he can go dominating you with his anger or cold anger explosions;
- You show that there are no protective limits around your self; you show yourself to be weak and not self-protective.
-He feels it as a one-upmanship game: how far can he go putting you down up until you react?

Let’s see how far down can she go? And he ups the ante with the violence. You think you are showing him love by staying put; he sees only one thing, you are just as weak and pathetic as he thought you were.

The truth is that his behavior shows that he has an internal problem of self-control and respect for others and you can’t fix it by staying. There is no amount of “love” you can give him that will solve this challenge; he needs to work at self-control and respect everybody, not only you.

In your marriage, it ‘never’ gets better and it ‘will’ get worse.You have to trust that the ‘first shock’ is the right answer, stop the denial and act on it by leaving. Either you continue or not the relationship, this is the only unequivocal message that tells him: “Abuse is NOT allowed here.”

: Neil Warner

Let us share our tools with you today.You can begin with our passive aggressive system created just for men, at Stop Your Passive Aggression, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

A Better Relationship Means Telling Your Partner Where it Hurts

alfaprima — Fri, 30 Mar 2012 07:45:49 +0000

Much of the conflict in our lives begins when we feel that we are suffering (either alone or at the hands of those we’re in conflict with).Brian Lynch, M.D., has shared his thoughts on suffering and how we can see it in a different way. This helps tremendously when trying to create more peace and more constructive conflict in our lives. When we or our partner are suffering, we can remember these “four rules for managing suffering.” They come originally from Dr. Tomkins and his “central blueprint”:

1) We want to maximize the expression and the experience of interest and joy in our lives and the lives of those around us.

2) We want to minimize the expression of negative feelings of all concerned. Those feelings I will specifically name as: anger, fear, distress, disgust and shame.

3) The way to achieve the goals of # 1 and # 2 is to express ALL FEELING whether they be positive or negative!

4) We do this by educating ourselves and others about the importance of feelings both negative and positive. We develop understandings between us that it is ok to express any type of feeling. We develop articulated rules for doing so.

… Always keep in mind that this can happen to and be expressed by anyone in the room. We need not feel guilty for expressing our suffering if we are not the ill partner. Expressing our suffering lets the other know that their suffering has meaning and is reflected in the other. We all end in recognizing, on a higher level, that to suffer is human and in the end we feel better.

(See the whole article here)

This can apply to both physical and emotional distress. As Brian Lynch points out, we all suffer at some point in our lives, and really, we can understand suffering as caused by suppressed emotions.This means that we can relieve suffering by sharing with others those emotions that we are painfully unable (or unwilling) to share. For example, a current conflict in your life may be caused by the pain you get at being unable to tell someone how angry you are about something that happened last year. Or, you may be running into conflict because you are unable to tell someone, “I love you, please stay with me.”

It is important to understand how this ties into why we fight and get into conflicts with each other (and why we sometimes fight the most with people we love the most). Conflict is all about trying to get the other person’s attention, and make a connection someone whose understanding you want or need. Conflict, essentially, is about telling each other about our suffering. However, most of us grew up in a home where it was not okay to “whine” or “dominate” the relationship with our “problems.”

This is not what conflict is about – acting this way leads to deeply unsatisfying interactions in relationships. To achieve more happiness and peace with our partners (and even friends or family), we must understand that to freely express (on BOTH sides) emotions and ideas is not “whining.” To talk about your problems is not “domination” if you are willing to listen to your partner’s problems, as well.

Do you need help unlocking the source of your pain? Is there an deep wound that you don’t know how to express to your partner, something that’s eating away at your heart? Talk to Dr. Nora today, our expert conflict coach. Your first conversation with her is free!

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to suffer alone in an unhealthy relationship for one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.You can begin with our passive aggressive system created just for men, at Stop Your Passive Aggression, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

Surprise! you are happiest when sharing issues making your husband unhappy!

alfaprima — Wed, 28 Mar 2012 18:53:21 +0000

According to a new research study conducted by the American Psychological Society, men and women have different criteria for feeling happy in a relationship.

Yeah, shocker, right? However, the criteria this particular study found is interesting, and could help you understand better what your partner needs from you during conflict.

Couples were brought in and videotaped having a discussion about a recent conflict in the relationship. What research found was that men are happiest when they can accurately tell that the woman is happy. However, women are happiest when they can accurately tell that the man is unhappy. In other words, we finally know the answer to the question of “what do women want?”

They want to know that their partners are open enough to share not just happiness, but the harder-to-express unhappiness. Think about how this could apply to your own relationship with your partner. Are you continually feeling dissatisfied with the way that conflict is handled? Do you think it could be because one or both of you is not expressing your true feelings accurately? Men, think about whether or not you’re “holding back” to “prevent” conflict – what if you’re causing more? Women, too, can be inadvertently causing the man to think he has to hide his feelings, depending on how you react to his criticism or negative emotions.

Another interesting facet of this is that when women are expressing unhappiness, some men are not as comfortable or satisfied with the relationship (perhaps because they worry that they, the men, are the cause of the unhappiness?) This also has to do with the fear some people have of being “empathetic” to another person. In some cultures or families, a man feeling empathy for a distraught woman is seen as “weakness” or “vulnerability.” However, this obviously creates dissatisfaction for the female partner, because the man a) doesn’t want to share negativity, and/or b) doesn’t want to hear it. This is unhealthy for both sides because it halts growth and impedes solutions. Now, of course, we are left with the ultimate question:

How do we help men to face negative issues and feelings without escaping, denying or twisting those issues? We know this part os necessary for growth, but….Please, could you share your experiences below? We want to hear from you!

(Read the entire article about the study here)

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation at Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

Emotions, the Hidden Engine of our Decisions!

Nora Femenia — Mon, 12 Mar 2012 17:05:19 +0000

Here’s some new content, inspired by a curated lens from Squidoo on Emotional Health. Do you know what your emotions are making you do?

What if you could harness them to get what you really want out of life? Dr. Silvan S. Tomkins has suggested through his work that we do the things we do in our lives because of how we feel. That is, we are not all as rational as we thought!

Our emotions, even when we don’t recognize them or define them consciously, drive us to make decisions and choose actions.To understand this better (perhaps you’re saying, “No, I’m completely rational!”), think about it in this way. Dr. Tomkins states that being interested in something is a feeling or emotion. That interest then motivates you to act or speak.

So, think about the last time you were interested in doing something. Did you come up with that interest in a logical way (reason), or was it a gut instinct/attraction (emotion)?This, in the end, helps us to understand that when we plan out our lives, and live them each day, our deep interests and desires are driving us to act.

You might think that working a 9 to 5 job is not the result of your emotions, but if you employ your reason, you will probably find that it is: perhaps you are interested in the money, which translates to happiness for you. Perhaps you are interested in the power of one day getting the top position at your company, or the distant possibility of doing something great in the company’s market sector. Or… perhaps you are hiding in a cubicle because you fear that you will fail if you try to do greater things.

When we are infants and young children, we feel more often than we use cognitive processes (think). Our interests are simple: food, shelter, warmth, play, love… i.e., – HAPPINESS! Those feelings still drive us (because who doesn’t want to be happy?), but as adults we’re taught to “think logically” and not let emotion rule us. We think you could have the best of both worlds instead of being pulled in opposite directions.

If you put your brain to work, and look deeper for an explanation of what you’re feeling and why, you could end up creating a life plan that actually makes sense to you, that gives you actual fulfillment by pursuing it. Remember, pursuing happiness can be just as rewarding as achieving it!

If you need help getting your emotions to “explain themselves,” you can talk to one of our coaches in a private, one on one phone session.

Visit us at Conflict Coach to schedule a meeting, your first consultation is free!

Are you passive, assertive, or aggressive?

neilwarner — Mon, 05 Mar 2012 17:39:47 +0000

Your communication style is important to recognize and define, as it affects how people react to you and how they address your needs. In the workplace, it can be especially important to know how you are communicating (and thus how you are perceived) as a professional colleague. It is also important in personal relationships, in order to give and receive needs satisfaction.

The American Management Associationbreaks it down in this way:

1.     ”This is what I think.” (Assertive)
2.     ”This is what I think—you’re an idiot to think otherwise.” (Aggressive)
3.     ”This is what I think, but it’s probably not important to you.” (Passive)

When you have an aggressive communication style, other perceive you as disrespectful of alternate opinions (not good in the workplace!). This can lead to anger and resentment, especially if you are in a leadership position (this goes for managers, parents or partners!). When you are passive, others may think you are not committed because you either feel guilty about offering criticism, or blindly agree with all criticism pointed toward you. You end up being controlled by others in this way, which can make you feel resentful, uncooperative, or unfulfilled. In all cases, relationships cannot grow or move forward when only being pulled toward and satisfying one person’s needs.

Assertive is the most conductive for a healthy life, because it falls between these two. An assertive communication style allows you to express your own ideas and opinions, but also allows for respect of others’ ideas. This promotes an atmosphere of equality, positive progress, and cooperation.

Which communication style are you? Is it affecting your work and home life in a negative way? You can talk to our Conflict Coach about it, and receive a free consultation on your first visit!

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion.
You don’t have to suffer alone in an unhealthy relationship for one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.You can begin with our passive aggressive system created just for men, at Stop Your Passive Aggression, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

What Child Abuse Does to The Brain

alfaprima — Fri, 02 Mar 2012 17:44:07 +0000

Child abuse is just as prevalent as it ever was, but now that the psychological effects of abuse are being studied in more depth, we are gaining more understanding about the effects of abuse on a person’s life, both as a child and an adult. Child abuse can lead to an adult who practices the same behaviors he/she was taught (which can damage their relationships), but it can also physically harm the victim’s brain.

According to an article on Live Science by Jennifer Welsh, the part of your brain that deals with memory (the hippocampus) can be damaged during childhood abuse, neglect, and/or maltreatment. The damage seems to occur when exposed to high levels of stress during certain ages. With that damage comes a lower ability to “talk” to other areas of the brain, like the brain’s reward center (dopamine system). In the article, a researcher from Harvard University suggested that this may be why many victims of abuse are at greater risk for depression, drug abuse and mental illness in adulthood.

Read the entire article at Live Science.

These findings are extremely important for telling how the brain reacts to its surroundings – if a child is especially vulnerable to stress-based damage in his/her early years, learning how to interact and deal with conflict in a healthy way can protect your children. If your child is often exposed to loud, explosive fights or is humiliated or embarrassed by punishment techniques, what could the effects be later on in life? This is not to say we’re all turning our children into drug addicts later on – but new research consistently shows us that our brains are always watching and making note of our lives.

Neil Warner

What Do You Want From Your Relationship?

alfaprima — Fri, 24 Feb 2012 15:48:10 +0000

If you could change something about your relationship, what would it be? More respect? More trust? More commitment?

We all have times where our partners don’t give us what we want, but sometimes we also don’t get what we need - the basic foundation traits of a healthy relationship. Without our basic relationship needs being fulfilled, it’s hard to function as healthy, happy people, isn’t it?

Now a permanent part of our sibling site, National Relationships Month, the Deep Love Needs Survey offers you the opportunity to explain your deepest relationships needs to us. We’re listening to you! We read your responses every day to get an idea of what new resources we can create to help you, so that we can help you on your way to achieving relationship happiness!

You’ll also get a free coaching session for taking the survey!

Ready to go? Visit us today at the Deep Love Needs Survey

: Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to be in an unhealthy relationship for one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.You can begin with our passive aggressive system created just for men, at Stop Your Passive Aggression, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

What’s Better This Valentine’s Day – Chocolate or Peace? You Can Have Both!

alfaprima — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 18:00:12 +0000

© Lela Lee

This Valentine season, you will have (or give) diamonds, nice red roses, a fancy evening and bittersweet chocolate. With the exception of the diamonds, all the rest can be forgotten in a week. Which is the most important gift that you want for your relationship? Is the one you really need conjugal peace and harmony? After all, both peace and chocolate will help you stay healthy and happy – but which one helps you avoid the constant fighting that can lead to divorce?

Why do couples fight? Marital squabbles can be over lots of things:

Control struggles (who’s in charge) and how decisions are made
Degree of reciprocal control or independence
Treatment of in-laws and significant relatives
Sex: how, when, why, by whom, varieties
Money: earning, managing, saving and spending

With the objective of controlling, humiliating or winning over the other, all kinds of negative things are said, things that are difficult to take back. The results are very sad; repetition of the fight, which is inevitable when it is not resolved, will sour the relationship. Fair fighting is designed to deal with issues that bring conflict without destroying the relationship.

We need to remind you that “love” as it is known in songs and popular conversations, has no meaning if it not carried along a certain set of behaviors. Those love behaviors have to be learned, and applied. Once you accept this, you will find that your life is infinitely more satisfying and rich, because people will recognize immediately that you know how to treat them well!

Want to know how to spark some passion in your relationship? See our case study at Relationship Repair.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation at Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

New Year’s Resolutions Doomed to Fail?

alfaprima — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 22:00:32 +0000

Isn’t it wonderful how we submit to the pixie dust of year end’s magic? besides running here and there to present our best image, our best table and food, our best dress, house, etc, we also enter into a magic territory when it is necessary to design vital goals for us. Because? Just because now, only now, there is an open door to making them happen!

Yeah, right.

Year after year we have promised ourselves to exercise more, eat better and fight fair with our loved ones. It’s not that we ignore the improvement areas in our lives, far from that! Is that it looks more and more like a dialogue of deaf people, an impossible conversation between out higher self images, provided by the more developed parts of our brain, and an old, reptilian core of primitive survival forces located at the base of our head.

We, rational beings, know exactly how much good it would do us to keep an exercise structure…and cherish this wish as if we had an only rational decision-maker in our brain. What is what we deny or ignore? Other parts of our brain…

Even when we don’t know it, we are split and two parts of our brain compete for dominance. Facing a threat to the status quo, your reptilian brain reacts automatically to this planned change as an imaginary attack to the status quo. What are the choices that the rational, thinking cortex has of winning and imposing an excellent program of exercise over this primal resistance? Almost zero.

The brain stem is the oldest and smallest region in the evolving human brain. It evolved hundreds of millions of years ago and is more like the entire brain of present-day reptiles. For this reason, it is often called the ‘reptilian brain’. Group of cells in the brain stem determine the brain’s general level of alertness and regulate the vegetative processes of the body such as breathing and heartbeat. It’s concerned with fundamental needs such as survival, physical maintenance, hoarding, dominance, preening and mating. The basic ruling emotions of love, hate, fear, lust, and contentment are generated from this first stage of the brain.

Everything else, (including our self improvement plans) the reptilian brain ignores or leaves behind.

How can you convince your primitive brain that losing weight and starting a running program will be beneficial? Not with logic, of course! The primitive brain continues to feel only basic emotions….so you need to make a nice package:

Wanna change a big part of your personality, like beginning therapy, stoping smoking or controlling anger in your relationship? These are major changes, so you need to plan for the component of seducing your older brain into loving the new activity.

~Convince yourself that you are not changing your life because of running, you are only “adding up to life maintenance routines” feel proud about that;

~Remember the previous (and smaller) behaviors in each time of your life (like when you did learn meditation), recover that attitude and then teach yourself anger management techniques…they are only a continuation of what your brain already knows!

~ In short, you are embracing the basic brain reactions, and building upon them, not uprooting them. We yield to our primitive, survival emotions by accepting them and building upon them…Nothing wrong to include a plan to deal with our basic resistance while dreaming with new behaviors promised in our new year resolutions, but keep in touch with your reptilian core…and throw it a bone! Otherwise, your dreams will go up in smoke as last year!

Neil Warner

CREATIVE CONFLICT RESOLUTIONS » Self-Esteem

Keeping self-esteem by negotiating your boundaries

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Abusive Behavior First Red Flag? Hear Him Yelling at You!

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