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The emotional side that makes our decisions has been charmingly called “the old brain.” The old brain doesn’t understand words (a product of reason), but it does understand threats, survival and reproduction.

This changes up the way we think of conflict. It’s no longer a perceived difference of rational opinions (Wikipedia); there is the new idea that conflicts are emotional, in and of themselves. Conflicts seem reason-driven because they are covered up by a cost-analysis rationalization that legitimizes the confrontation.

Here is how the human brain works:

• The new brain thinks: it processes rational data.
• The middle brain feels: It processes emotions and gut feelings.
• The old brain decides: it takes into account the input from the other two brains, but it is the actual trigger of the decision. In other words, the old brain is the boss.

This idea is very practical, because day to day, we can ask ourselves: what primordial needs has my old brain today?

Do I feel insecure in my relationship or my job?
Do I feel threatened?
Is there some basic anxiety around my gut today?

After that, the path is clear: your job is to activate your middle and new brains and evaluate those panic triggers that the older brain is activating:

Is a sure thing that you will starve today?
Are there enemies at your door or is it a simple alarming noise?

In this way, we avoid making decisions ruled by the survival brain, the older one! Our decisions will be more rational and emotional if we evaluate and discard the messages from the older brain. The point is not necessarily to avoid all conflict the old brain alerts us to, but we can learn to separate defense mechanisms (being unnecessarily aggressive with a co-worker) from constructive conflict (a discussion about how to reprimand your children).

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation at Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

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Technorati Tags: aggression, attitude change, Cold Shoulder, conflict resolution, control, croc brain, emotional decision-making, emotions, happiness, negative emotions, old brain, rejection, Self-Esteem, threat

Isn’t it wonderful how we submit to the pixie dust of year end’s magic? besides running here and there to present our best image, our best table and food, our best dress, house, etc, we also enter into a magic territory when it is necessary to design vital goals for us. Because? Just because now, only now, there is an open door to making them happen!

Yeah, right.

Year after year we have promised ourselves to exercise more, eat better and fight fair with our loved ones. It’s not that we ignore the improvement areas in our lives, far from that! Is that it looks more and more like a dialogue of deaf people, an impossible conversation between out higher self images, provided by the more developed parts of our brain, and an old, reptilian core of primitive survival forces located at the base of our head.

We, rational beings, know exactly how much good it would do us to keep an exercise structure…and cherish this wish as if we had an only rational decision-maker in our brain. What is what we deny or ignore? Other parts of our brain…

Even when we don’t know it, we are split and two parts of our brain compete for dominance. Facing a threat to the status quo, your reptilian brain reacts automatically to this planned change as an imaginary attack to the status quo.  What are the choices that the rational, thinking cortex has of winning and imposing an excellent program of exercise over this primal resistance? Almost zero.

The brain stem is the oldest and smallest region in the evolving human brain. It evolved hundreds of millions of years ago and is more like the entire brain of present-day reptiles. For this reason, it is often called the ‘reptilian brain’. Group of cells in the brain stem determine the brain’s general level of alertness and regulate the vegetative processes of the body such as breathing and heartbeat.  It’s concerned with fundamental needs such as survival, physical maintenance, hoarding, dominance, preening and mating. The basic ruling emotions of love, hate, fear, lust, and contentment are generated from this first stage of the brain.

Everything else, (including our self improvement plans) the reptilian brain ignores or leaves behind.

How can you convince your primitive brain that losing weight and starting a running program will be beneficial? Not with logic, of course! The primitive brain continues to feel only basic emotions….so you need to make a nice package:

Wanna change a big part of your personality, like beginning therapy, stoping smoking or controlling anger in your relationship? These are major changes, so you need to plan for the component of seducing your older brain into loving the new activity.

~Convince yourself that you are not changing your life because of running, you are only “adding up to life maintenance routines” feel proud about that;

~Remember the previous (and smaller) behaviors in each time of your life (like when you did learn meditation), recover that attitude and then teach yourself anger management techniques…they are only a continuation of what your brain already knows!

~ In short, you are embracing the basic brain reactions, and building upon them, not uprooting them. We yield to our primitive, survival emotions by accepting them and building upon them…Nothing wrong to include a plan to deal with our basic resistance while dreaming with new behaviors promised in our new year resolutions, but keep in touch with your reptilian core…and throw it a bone! Otherwise, your dreams will go up in smoke as last year!

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation at Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

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We wanted to challenge the “End of the Year Blues”, as we realized how many issues are still without resolution when it comes to important relationships…

With this in mind, we are proud to announce that December will be

“National Relationships Repair Month“

This FREE program spans over 4 whole weeks for a good discussion and healing of the issues that form the base of our relationships, so hidden we usually do not take the time to reflect on them…

We provide here good reading materials for you to learn from, questions and answers and finally, a good plan to restore your relationships. We count with your participation!

Get a good look at this new offer, and hop on board! Here is the link, and remember that we are waiting for you!

http://nationalrelationshipsmonth.com

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation at Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

 

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Technorati Tags: attitude change, communication, conflict resolution, confrontation, emotions, feelings, forgiveness, frustration, happiness, Healthy Marriage, healthy relationships, love, marriage, recognition, reconciliation, Relationships, resilience, respect

In the Harvard Business Review Magazine, we found this article by Anne Morriss and others, who say that excessive focus on our own goals, interests and priorities is damaging to organizational objectives. In short, self-interest is not conducive to group success. Here is the quote:

“One leader we studied fell into this destructive behavior after a long, successful run at a number of software companies. Troy’s bosses had always valued his drive and accountability. But when customer complaints began pouring into the service division he was managing, he pinned the blame on the “mediocrity” of the product development division, claiming that his team had to support an inferior product.

Troy’s COO disagreed and began to hint that Troy’s job was on the line: After all, the complaints had started accumulating on his watch. To shore up his position, Troy started working to win over senior colleagues one by one—“picking them off,” as he put it—by asking for feedback on his performance. His strategy worked to some extent. Senior management recognized that he was committed to improving his leadership skills. But the customer service problems just got worse. People began trashing the company on influential blogs, and demands for refunds kept rising. The more Troy worked to save his job, the harder his job became.

Troy had a leadership breakthrough when one of his service representatives asked for help resolving the growing conflict with the product development team. The rep’s despair triggered a shift in Troy’s thinking—away from worrying about his own position and toward healing the split between the two divisions. Troy hosted a series of cross-team meetings and made sure that both groups felt heard. By the third meeting, the teams were brainstorming about ways to solve the service problem together, by improving the software and helping customers learn how to better use it.

Like other effective leaders, Troy changed his focus from protecting himself to supporting the members of his team and making sure that customers were happy. Within a few weeks, demands for refunds began to decrease, even though the company hadn’t yet made any upgrades to the product.

The decision to focus on others can feel dangerous. It forces you to take your eyes off your own welfare and to stop scanning the horizon for predators. Risk aversion is a protective mechanism wired into our DNA; that’s why security concerns generally trump impact. But all breakthrough leaders find ways to tame their security impulses. Most are amazed by the energy and meaning they discover when they no longer define themselves by their personal needs and fears.”

Quite a lesson. Being brave enough to think about the well-being of others (solving a conflict between team members) shifts the focus of this manager from his own goals, and even makes him take the such a risky position as being concerned about others!

It’s time that, even coming from very tame research papers from prestigious educational entities, we begin challenging the self-centered models that lead the social contract into failure and begin promoting more socially oriented mindsets. I’m glad to see that what redeems this manager is the always new and promising activity of peacemaking and conflict solving.

More information can be found at: http://hbr.org/2011/01/managing-yourself-stop-holding-yourself-back/ar/pr

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation at Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

 

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Technorati Tags: communication, conflict, conflict resolution, leaders, leadership, management, success, team building, teamwork, workplace communication, workplace conflict

After time and time again spent confronting others, we end up with a confrontational attitude, where we focus on the “I” versus “others”; “I will defend my rights,” “Nobody trespasses against me,” “I will get even.”

Sometimes this is the relationship model we learn at home; other times is the result of life experiences. Ultimately, there is no way we can get near others emotionally (and thus solve our needs) if we don’t confront this ‘either/or’ attitude. Why is this? Why is it so damaging to relationships?

Quite simply, this attitude divides the world as we see it in a polarity, where if one person is right, the other has to be wrong. This is one of the basic “flawed reasoning” types of logic that we force our brains (and other people) to conform to. In the real world, things are much more complex that we sometimes have the time or energy to deal with. However, that doesn’t change the fact that very few things are black and white, and we can get into trouble for assuming so.

What can you do if you are having trouble tolerating this complex thing called “multiple views”?

• Stop believing that your truth is the truth; what is true for you is not necessarily true for others.

• Stop insisting that other people must agree with you; it would be nice but disagreement is also OK. Sometimes, disagreeing with each other will lead to the inspiration of a new, improved, collaborated idea.

• Tell yourself that not every person will see things the way you do, even if you explain your perspective. Unless two people share the same brain, they do not often see things the exact same way. We each bring our own ideas, personalities and experiences to the table.

• With that in mind, you can stop invalidating other people’s experiences and opinions, just because they don’t align with yours.

• Take responsibility for yourself. You can’t always control what happens to you, yes; however, you can always control how you react. That is nobody else’s obligation but your own.

Of course, this perspective will not automatically make others follow you. That is the not the point of tolerance. However, it will make you happier, because you will not be forcing others to align with you. Your relationships with others will be more productive and fulfilling, which allows for a better exchange of ideas, energy, needs and communication.

Are you having trouble tolerating difference and complexity? Is it endangering your work or personal life? Please, don’t wait until your life is going downhill fast; get a free coaching session with a coach today!

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation at Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

 

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Technorati Tags: Anger Management, communication, conflict, conflict resolution, confrontation, fair fighting, opinions, tolerance, views, workplace conflict

Why are we attracted to other people? It’s a question for the ages, isn’t it? Usually, at the heart of the matter, we feel that our attraction to others is just something we can’t explain and can’t control. But something we’ve been talking about here should ring a bell with you now: what if your brain is making choices about who you’re attracted to, based on criteria you’re not aware of?

Brain scan studies have shown that early romantic love generates a unique pattern of brain activity. Regions of the brain related to addiction and even mental illness light up on the scan when a person sees a photo of his or her beloved. This happens regardless of the culture the person is from, telling us that attraction depends mostly on this search that the inner brain is doing for its “love object.”

The brain’s reaction to a new acquaintance carrying the promise of romantic love happens even before our rational, conscious cognition kicks in. The brain is definitely subconsciously looking for, and responding to, something in this other person. But what is it?

We are in the early stages of knowing how the brain works. Ours is only a guess, but perhaps what the brain is looking for is to re-establish a bridge to a person, a person with characteristics similar to the one who caused and primed us for relationships: the caretaker figure. What the qualities this caretaker had (secure, ambivalent, avoidant), this was the way of brain defined “love.” Then and there, that became the model we had for connection. The brain said to itself, this caretaker helps us survive, so their definition of “love” must be the right one.

You can see where this can become a problem. If you had an avoidant caretaker, your brain is hardwired to search for other avoidant people to love you. You may suddenly realize at 40 that you want a secure attachment, and if you look back, you’ll see that you already had good, secure people in your past. They were there, they approached you, and you rejected them because they were boring! They lacked the drama of your own avoidant attachment, which taught you that anger, abandonment and emotional isolation were “the way connections are supposed to be.”

Here, the meaning of the word “detox” comes to the fore. If you realize that you have become an “addict” to people who are insecure, anxious and always running away from commitment, simply because this was your first relationship blueprint, how do you detox your brain from this?

How can you teach your brain to light up when it finds a secure person, who can respect and accept you warts and all? This is the core of “being in relationships as existential learning theory”: how can a secure relationship teach your brain to love? How can you re-train your brain to stop going after toxins, and start seeking nourishment, essentially choosing how your brain is going to see the world?

This is what we are here for; this is what we help people do. Don’t hesitate to begin healing with us today, if your situation is like the one above. Your entire person deserves fulfillment that is nourishing and conducive to your growth; not toxins supplied by destructive persons. Call us today at Conflict Coach to speak about how you can shift your perspectives and train your brain for love.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation at Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

 

Technorati Tags: accept love, attachment, attachment style, brain, detox, healthy love, Healthy Marriage, healthy relationships, passive aggressive, passive aggressive relationships, Relationships, toxic marriage, toxic relationships

All humans are social creatures at their core – even if those hermit-like people among us don’t realize it. As social creatures, we are hardwired to show our emotional states to others in every facial expression, tone of voice, gestures, and how fast or slow those are shared. The language of our bodies and expressions can change the way we feel about or react to another person.

Within relationships, it often happens that two people who know each other very well come to naturally recognize and understand each other’s body language. However, even then, we’re not always aware of the signals we ourselves are giving off to others. It’s important that even the happiest couples learn to reflect on both their signals and their partner’s, in order to reach better understanding and needs fulfillment.

Some experts have explored an idea they call “feeling felt.” This is when you have the sense that your partner feels your feelings (attunement) and is able to respond in the appropriate way. “Feeling felt” is something that we all instinctively need, emotionally. And we need it at every stage of life.

Relationships where each person has this need satisfied are usually relationships where positive emotions run high and negative emotions are rare.

If you’ve been following along with us for a while, you’ve probably read this and already guessed that “feeling felt” is pretty much dependent on having a secure attachment to one another, right? It’s true that someone with a passive aggressive or avoidant partner isn’t going to “feel felt” very often.

What is interesting about feeling your partner’s feelings is that it’s often non-verbal. In classic empathy between those who don’t know each other well, you can understand where people are coming from or feel sad when they do, but they have to verbally say, “I’m feeling this” first. When a couple is properly attuned with each other, strong positive (or strong negative) emotions can be sensed in a way that isn’t expressed in words. Rather, it’s expressed in body language, expressions, gestures, and tone of voice.

Want to get to know your partner well enough that you can both know what it’s like to “feel felt”? Perhaps you want this, but you’re not sure your partner understands the importance of it? We can help! Please visit us at Conflict Coach to learn more about what you can do to find attunement and secure attachment in your relationships. Our coaches are standing by!

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having your Conflict Coach session, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

 

Technorati Tags: attachment styles, attunement, commitment, communication, emotions, empathy, feeling felt, feelings, Marriage and Comunications, marriage crisis, passive aggression, passive aggressive, Relationships

In data from the Minnesota Longitudinal Study of Risk and Adaptation (MLSRA) study, conducted over a 30-year period from birth to adulthood, investigators learned a great deal about relationships and how they evolve. In fact, a lot of what they learned are things we’ve been talking about here on the blog lately!

For example, researchers found out that having a secure, supportive mother in toddlerhood often leads to an individual being a “strong link” in adult relationships (e.g., the person with a large emotional stake in the couple). In effect, individuals mirror the kind of role they saw their caretaker in, and end up developing a secure attachment style.

The opposite is also true. An individual who did not have a secure mother in childhood (avoidant) grew to be the “weak link” in their adult relationships. That is to say, they become avoidant themselves, always keeping one foot out the door just in case!

Why is it important to have a secure attachment?  those who secure attachment to their caretakers were better able to handle conflict in their adolescent years (formative years where some big decisions can happen), and can go on managing relationships better when grown up.

Now, we’ve discussed before what happens when a secure adult marries/has a relationship with an avoidant adult. This is often the recipe for conflict, hurt feelings, defensive behavior, and passive aggressive relationships. The MLSRA, predictably, backs this idea up. But it also has something to add to that: if your attachments don’t match up, you’ll have more friction.

So, even if two avoidant people get together (what we would think of as a bad thing), their expectations and commitment are equally low, so there’s less conflict between what one person wants and what the other does. It’s an interesting addition to the passive aggression debate: could two passive aggressive people actually make a long-term marriage work? Perhaps, if one or the other was often traveling or working!

In the end, whatever the combination of attachment styles, it was found that couples with mismatched commitments/styles were the most hostile toward one another.

This and other new studies about attachment and behavior tell us a lot about how we learn to love and support one another. Even from the beginning of our lives, our brains are “taking notes” on various topics: what happens if I approach someone with a problem different from mine? Where can I go for support? Is trust a good thing?

Are you currently going through a marriage crisis of your own? Are you wondering whether it’s safe to trust others, whether you’re able to commit or love anyone else? If so, please don’t hesitate to contact us for help and emotional support. We are always here to listen and offer our expert advice. You can receive relationship and attachment style coaching at Conflict Coach today.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation (by clicking here), with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

 

Technorati Tags: attachment, attachment styles, commitment, communication, marriage, marriage crisis, passive aggression, passive aggressive, Relationships, studies and research, trust