This Valentine season, you will have (or give) diamonds, nice red roses, a fancy evening and bittersweet chocolate. With the exception of the diamonds, all the rest can be forgotten in a week. Which is the most important gift that you want for your relationship? Is the one you really need conjugal peace and harmony? After all, both peace and chocolate will help you stay healthy and happy – but which one helps you avoid the constant fighting that can lead to divorce?

Why do couples fight? Marital squabbles can be over lots of things:

• Control struggles (who’s in charge) and how decisions are made

• Degree of reciprocal control or independence

• Treatment of in-laws and significant relatives

• Sex: how, when, why, by whom, varieties

• Money: earning, managing, saving and spending

With the objective of controlling, humiliating or winning over the other, all kinds of negative things are said, things that are difficult to take back. The results are very sad; repetition of the fight, which is inevitable when it is not resolved, will sour the relationship. Fair fighting is designed to deal with issues that bring conflict without destroying the relationship.

We need to remind you that “love” as it is known in songs and popular conversations, has no meaning if it not carried along a certain set of behaviors. Those love behaviors have to be learned, and applied. Once you accept this, you will find that your life is infinitely more satisfying and rich, because people will recognize immediately that you know how to treat them well!

Want to know how to spark some passion in your relationship? See our case study at Relationship Repair.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation at Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

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The emotional side that makes our decisions has been charmingly called “the old brain.” The old brain doesn’t understand words (a product of reason), but it does understand threats, survival and reproduction.

This changes up the way we think of conflict. It’s no longer a perceived difference of rational opinions (Wikipedia); there is the new idea that conflicts are emotional, in and of themselves. Conflicts seem reason-driven because they are covered up by a cost-analysis rationalization that legitimizes the confrontation.

Here is how the human brain works:

• The new brain thinks: it processes rational data.
• The middle brain feels: It processes emotions and gut feelings.
• The old brain decides: it takes into account the input from the other two brains, but it is the actual trigger of the decision. In other words, the old brain is the boss.

This idea is very practical, because day to day, we can ask ourselves: what primordial needs has my old brain today?

Do I feel insecure in my relationship or my job?
Do I feel threatened?
Is there some basic anxiety around my gut today?

After that, the path is clear: your job is to activate your middle and new brains and evaluate those panic triggers that the older brain is activating:

Is a sure thing that you will starve today?
Are there enemies at your door or is it a simple alarming noise?

In this way, we avoid making decisions ruled by the survival brain, the older one! Our decisions will be more rational and emotional if we evaluate and discard the messages from the older brain. The point is not necessarily to avoid all conflict the old brain alerts us to, but we can learn to separate defense mechanisms (being unnecessarily aggressive with a co-worker) from constructive conflict (a discussion about how to reprimand your children).

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation at Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

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Technorati Tags: aggression, attitude change, Cold Shoulder, conflict resolution, control, croc brain, emotional decision-making, emotions, happiness, negative emotions, old brain, rejection, Self-Esteem, threat

Isn’t it wonderful how we submit to the pixie dust of year end’s magic? besides running here and there to present our best image, our best table and food, our best dress, house, etc, we also enter into a magic territory when it is necessary to design vital goals for us. Because? Just because now, only now, there is an open door to making them happen!

Yeah, right.

Year after year we have promised ourselves to exercise more, eat better and fight fair with our loved ones. It’s not that we ignore the improvement areas in our lives, far from that! Is that it looks more and more like a dialogue of deaf people, an impossible conversation between out higher self images, provided by the more developed parts of our brain, and an old, reptilian core of primitive survival forces located at the base of our head.

We, rational beings, know exactly how much good it would do us to keep an exercise structure…and cherish this wish as if we had an only rational decision-maker in our brain. What is what we deny or ignore? Other parts of our brain…

Even when we don’t know it, we are split and two parts of our brain compete for dominance. Facing a threat to the status quo, your reptilian brain reacts automatically to this planned change as an imaginary attack to the status quo.  What are the choices that the rational, thinking cortex has of winning and imposing an excellent program of exercise over this primal resistance? Almost zero.

The brain stem is the oldest and smallest region in the evolving human brain. It evolved hundreds of millions of years ago and is more like the entire brain of present-day reptiles. For this reason, it is often called the ‘reptilian brain’. Group of cells in the brain stem determine the brain’s general level of alertness and regulate the vegetative processes of the body such as breathing and heartbeat.  It’s concerned with fundamental needs such as survival, physical maintenance, hoarding, dominance, preening and mating. The basic ruling emotions of love, hate, fear, lust, and contentment are generated from this first stage of the brain.

Everything else, (including our self improvement plans) the reptilian brain ignores or leaves behind.

How can you convince your primitive brain that losing weight and starting a running program will be beneficial? Not with logic, of course! The primitive brain continues to feel only basic emotions….so you need to make a nice package:

Wanna change a big part of your personality, like beginning therapy, stoping smoking or controlling anger in your relationship? These are major changes, so you need to plan for the component of seducing your older brain into loving the new activity.

~Convince yourself that you are not changing your life because of running, you are only “adding up to life maintenance routines” feel proud about that;

~Remember the previous (and smaller) behaviors in each time of your life (like when you did learn meditation), recover that attitude and then teach yourself anger management techniques…they are only a continuation of what your brain already knows!

~ In short, you are embracing the basic brain reactions, and building upon them, not uprooting them. We yield to our primitive, survival emotions by accepting them and building upon them…Nothing wrong to include a plan to deal with our basic resistance while dreaming with new behaviors promised in our new year resolutions, but keep in touch with your reptilian core…and throw it a bone! Otherwise, your dreams will go up in smoke as last year!

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation at Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

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Technorati Tags: anger, attitude change, confrontation, critique, emotions, feelings, fight, frustration, happiness, healthy relationships

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Let’s remember the basic facts: women and men are basically different.

Furthermore, their desire to live together doesn’t make the differences disappear – thinking that confrontations will magically not happen is even more magic! Partners need a protocol to manage inevitable confrontations and they need to know how to do relationship repair.

Managing confrontations can be discovered in our previous book, How to Fight Fair in Your Marriage. In this article, however, we want to focus on the basics of what it takes to repair a relationship.

Relationship repair must be based on human needs. First, you must be familiar with the basic needs, and then your “repair work” must be based on that need. In a general way, you can find out which basic need is being frustrated by asking yourself what are the things he/she complains about you most frequently.

For example: the need for recognition. You can identify this need if your spouse often says that you:

Don’t pay attention; (“You never listen to me”).
Don’t appreciate him/her; (“You don’t care about the things that are important to me”).
Don’t care about their dreams; (“You don’t even remember that I would love to ___”).

What would some basic repair behaviors be?

First, you need to make it a task for yourself to respond to him/her in such a way that they feel listened to (“I hear you saying that you are tired of ___, where would you like to go instead?”).

Then, set out to address the unsatisfied need directly. To satisfy a need for recognition, find something each day to observe and appreciate, before going to sleep (“I’ve never had such a good ___”). Ask, “Where do you see us in five years?” and “Is there something else that you would like to talk about?” Don’t give logical, drawn out reasons as to explain why nothing is possible, because in this way you kill any project and dampen any enthusiasm for change there could be.

Just listen, and repeat back what the other person said, in your own words, and ask for the other person’s confirmation: “Did I understand you well?”

Do you need more tips for repairing your relationship? Of course you do!

Join us for free at “National Relationships Repair Month,” where you’ll receive access to a 4 week plan for handling conflict and reconnecting with your spouse.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation at Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

 

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Technorati Tags: communication, conflict resolution, constructive conflict, healthy conflict, Healthy Marriage, human needs, marriage, needs, needs satisfaction, reflective listening, relationship repair, Relationships, repair, satisfaction

Registration is FREE.

The first week is dedicated to discuss about this issue:  ”How to understand your Conflicts” You can find this content on line, ready for your download after becoming a member.  Remember, we are waiting for you there!

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation at Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

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Technorati Tags: conflict resolution, emotions, recognition, Relationships Repair, Self-Esteem

We wanted to challenge the “End of the Year Blues”, as we realized how many issues are still without resolution when it comes to important relationships…

With this in mind, we are proud to announce that December will be

“National Relationships Repair Month“

This FREE program spans over 4 whole weeks for a good discussion and healing of the issues that form the base of our relationships, so hidden we usually do not take the time to reflect on them…

We provide here good reading materials for you to learn from, questions and answers and finally, a good plan to restore your relationships. We count with your participation!

Get a good look at this new offer, and hop on board! Here is the link, and remember that we are waiting for you!

http://nationalrelationshipsmonth.com

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation at Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

 

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Technorati Tags: attitude change, communication, conflict resolution, confrontation, emotions, feelings, forgiveness, frustration, happiness, Healthy Marriage, healthy relationships, love, marriage, recognition, reconciliation, Relationships, resilience, respect

After time and time again spent confronting others, we end up with a confrontational attitude, where we focus on the “I” versus “others”; “I will defend my rights,” “Nobody trespasses against me,” “I will get even.”

Sometimes this is the relationship model we learn at home; other times is the result of life experiences. Ultimately, there is no way we can get near others emotionally (and thus solve our needs) if we don’t confront this ‘either/or’ attitude. Why is this? Why is it so damaging to relationships?

Quite simply, this attitude divides the world as we see it in a polarity, where if one person is right, the other has to be wrong. This is one of the basic “flawed reasoning” types of logic that we force our brains (and other people) to conform to. In the real world, things are much more complex that we sometimes have the time or energy to deal with. However, that doesn’t change the fact that very few things are black and white, and we can get into trouble for assuming so.

What can you do if you are having trouble tolerating this complex thing called “multiple views”?

• Stop believing that your truth is the truth; what is true for you is not necessarily true for others.

• Stop insisting that other people must agree with you; it would be nice but disagreement is also OK. Sometimes, disagreeing with each other will lead to the inspiration of a new, improved, collaborated idea.

• Tell yourself that not every person will see things the way you do, even if you explain your perspective. Unless two people share the same brain, they do not often see things the exact same way. We each bring our own ideas, personalities and experiences to the table.

• With that in mind, you can stop invalidating other people’s experiences and opinions, just because they don’t align with yours.

• Take responsibility for yourself. You can’t always control what happens to you, yes; however, you can always control how you react. That is nobody else’s obligation but your own.

Of course, this perspective will not automatically make others follow you. That is the not the point of tolerance. However, it will make you happier, because you will not be forcing others to align with you. Your relationships with others will be more productive and fulfilling, which allows for a better exchange of ideas, energy, needs and communication.

Are you having trouble tolerating difference and complexity? Is it endangering your work or personal life? Please, don’t wait until your life is going downhill fast; get a free coaching session with a coach today!

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation at Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

 

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Technorati Tags: Anger Management, communication, conflict, conflict resolution, confrontation, fair fighting, opinions, tolerance, views, workplace conflict

Annie’s husband was often abusive to her. Usually, he would get upset if she wasn’t paying him her complete attention. A week before today, she was finishing dictating her daily report for work in the phone, when he began to scream at her for not paying attention to him. He slammed the door when leaving the house. But Annie – even when hurt – did her usual routine: she cleaned, cooked for him and kept the house in order besides attending her full-time job.

She decided that the most adequate response was to continue as if nothing happened; she attributed his behavior to exhaustion and had her best face on when he came home. Was she being empathetic to him? Or was she being a person unable to stand up for herself? Even more important: was her response the right behavior for stopping emotional abuse in the future?

The answer to the last question is “NO.” There are many factors by which people decide to ignore abuse, but it will not make the abuse disappear if you ignore it and be nice to your abuser.

Annie went through much of the early relationship believing that if she could be accepting and supportive, continually creating a loving home atmosphere, her husband’s abusive behavior would disappear. Unfortunately, she was in fact rewarding her husband’s negative behavior.

In response to his temper tantrum, Joe found her being attentive, nice and caring toward him. Ask yourself: why would he change his treatment of his wife if she responds so positively to his abuse?

We know through psychological research that behavior varies depending on its consequences. The “no critique, no punishment” that is Annie’s ideology only sends a message that she can take it, and that Joe will get what he wants when he acts abusively.

Hence, if Annie is nice to Joe when he treats her badly, she is signaling her submission to his anger and teaching him that is OK to continue being abusive.

So, what is the right attitude for healing emotional abuse? A firm, assertive response that clearly expresses your unhappiness. No grey areas here, but a strong condemnation of the abuse, and a definition of what is acceptable in the future.

As in:

“When you become so angry with me that you yell and curse like this morning, I feel really upset and hurt. That abusive behavior threatens the trust I have in you.”

“If this abuse goes on, I will leave the house. I will stay by myself until we can both reconsider what kind of marriage we want and how to get it.”

Learning to speak up assertively has to be following by congruent actions: If you say that you will leave the house temporarily when he yells at you, then do it. There is no other way to teach an abusive husband what are your limits about what kind of behavior will be acceptable.

If you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, being assertive requires respecting yourself. You need to realize that you are worthy of gentle, caring and respectful treatment by the person who says loves you the most. You also need to realize that you have a right to demand that treatment from the person who calls himself your “partner.”

Do you need help learning assertive techniques, or learning how to respect and empower yourself? We have many resources that you can start with:

• A coaching session with Coach Nora to talk about your personal situation and what is best for you.
• “Healing Emotional Abuse,” a book specifically for women who have left (or want to leave) emotionally abusive relationships.
• Our Healing Emotional Abuse blog, dedicated to giving you more information about what emotional abuse is.

You don’t have to suffer silently through abuse for a single day of your life. Learn what your options are today, and start living the life you want NOW.

Technorati Tags: abuse, assertive, emotionally abusive relationships, empowerment, healing emotional abuse, Self-Esteem, stopping emotional abuse