We often hear from clients that the boundaries (or the lack of)  set up by their partners are causing trouble in the relationship. However, did you know that emotional boundaries are a necessary part of being a healthy human being?

We set boundaries to prevent ourselves from being vulnerable, easily hurt, or easily upset. A healthy amount of separation from the intensity of the moment (and the other person) helps us to make decisions and objectively from our own values, not from other people’s pressures.

Dr. Cheryl MacDonald backs this up in “How Self-Love and Boundaries Mix” with an interesting point about those people involved in harmful conflict:

People who feel emotionally vulnerable or those who desperately want to seek approval from others are most susceptible to losing their sense of self because the protection, the “bubble wrap”, their emotional boundary was not noticed, properly set, or communicated. Be cautious about making too many compromises, as the “bubble wrap” can expand to the point of breaking, and may cause people to question their own thoughts, feelings and identity. This questioning leaves a hole in people’s self-esteem. Emotional boundaries are flexible; however they can break under stress …

Boundaries are thus something that each person in a relationship needs, and those boundaries must be properly communicated. Boundaries are defined differently for each person, but it boils down to those things you like and those things you don’t.

When you don’t like something, and you make this clear to your partner and other people, you are setting an emotional boundary. As long as this boundary is set up to keep your self-worth (not push the other person away), this boundary can help you keep up a healthy sense of self. Remember that being in a relationship doesn’t mean becoming one person, but sharing a life. You can still be your own person while also being in a relationship!

You may struggle with emotional boundaries if you were not taught sufficient self-love and independence (essentially, self-love means that you decide how you think about yourself, a form of setting boundaries between your opinions and others’ opinions). Dr. MacDonald points out in her article that:

“If people had a healthy, nurturing childhood, they probably grew up feeling grounded, and learned how to protect their sense of self-love, self-worth and have a sense of feeling internally proud. They learned how to set emotional boundaries, and learned how to say no, because they felt loved as a child. In their childhood experiences, there was no need to scavenge for affection, or try desperately to please, just to gain attention and love.”

What about you? Have you been struggling with emotional boundaries in your relationship? Perhaps you experience the autonomous decision-making of your partner as cold, isolating and feel pushed away? It could be that you need to negotiate better your reciprocal emotional boundaries?  You can talk to us about the boundary problems in your relationship by talking to Dr. Nora, our conflict coach.

Nora Femenia is a well-known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and sign-up free to connect to her creative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation at Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

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Technorati Tags: abuse, appreciation, control, Emotional Abuse, feelings, healthy boundaries, Healthy Marriage, Self-Esteem, self-respect

It’s the shock a woman feels the first time he screams, calls her a name or insults her. He is angry, shouting and facing her down with his entire wrath. Let’s remember this shock; the first sign that the promise of marriage (“to be together to love and respect each other”) was not taken seriously, but were only words.

As a spouse, you have to feel shocked, hurt and totally blindsided by his attack. There is no way we can cover up and deny the total effect of this aggression on us. It is sudden, unexpected, and leaves us with a sour taste afterwards… how do we make sense of this aggression in the midst of a marriage we believe “reasonably happy”?

How to recover the lost sense of security from being with him, when you don’t know if this terrible anger episode will repeat itself?
What if he is harboring a LOT of anger against you, and he is unable to process and release it? You don’t want to consider this possibility!

Almost by mandate, we immediately try to forget the incident or make excuses for his behavior to cover it up.

Why would a spouse cover up this abusive behavior?

It is too big a signal that there are huge hidden personality issues not recognized, but working underneath. Either because there is fear of the unknown aspects, or inability to discuss them; we choose denial and cover up by saying: “he was stressed out, too tired, under a lot of pressure, etc.”

This is the first mistake of an emotionally abusive relationship: not taking this violation of interpersonal limits seriously. Without that, taking care of healing the verbal and emotional abuse impact is not taken seriously, either.

By staying passive and not drawing a line, you are sending him the message that says it is ‘OK’ to treat you this way. You tell him that he has not crossed your boundaries in a way that is not acceptable, and give him permission to do it again. And he will… The more deep interpretation of this interaction can be this:

- He is yelling at you;
- You accept, understand him and forgive him;
- He is testing your limits, seeing how far he can go dominating you with his anger or cold anger explosions;
- You show that there are no protective limits around your self; you show yourself to be weak and not self-protective.
-He feels it as a one-upmanship game: how far can he go putting you down up until you react?

Let’s see how far down can she go? And he ups the ante with the violence. You think you are showing him love by staying put; he sees only one thing, you are just as weak and pathetic as he thought you were.

The truth is that his behavior shows that he has an internal problem of self-control and respect for others and you can’t fix it by staying. There is no amount of “love” you can give him that will solve this challenge; he needs to work at self-control and respect everybody, not only you.

In your marriage, it ‘never’ gets better and it ‘will’ get worse.You have to trust that the ‘first shock’ is the right answer, stop the denial and act on it by leaving. Either you continue or not the relationship, this is the only unequivocal message that tells him: “Abuse is NOT allowed here.”

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Technorati Tags: abuse, aggression, angry husband, Cold Shoulder, conflict, confrontation, critique, domestic violence, Emotional Abuse, fight, forgiveness, frustration, humiliation, loneliness, negative emotions, rejection

The American Management Associationbreaks it down in this way:

1.     ”This is what I think.” (Assertive)
2.     ”This is what I think—you’re an idiot to think otherwise.” (Aggressive)
3.     ”This is what I think, but it’s probably not important to you.” (Passive)

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion.
You don’t have to suffer alone in an unhealthy relationship for one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.You can begin with our passive aggressive system created just for men, at Stop Your Passive Aggression, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

 

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Technorati Tags: aggression, appreciation, attitude change, conflict resolution, confrontation, control, critique, Emotional Abuse, emotions, feelings, frustration, Healthy Marriage, healthy relationships, love, negative emotions, recognition, Relationships

According to an article on Live Science by Jennifer Welsh, the part of your brain that deals with memory (the hippocampus) can be damaged during childhood abuse, neglect, and/or maltreatment. The damage seems to occur when exposed to high levels of stress during certain ages. With that damage comes a lower ability to “talk” to other areas of the brain, like the brain’s reward center (dopamine system). In the article, a researcher from Harvard University suggested that this may be why many victims of abuse are at greater risk for depression, drug abuse and mental illness in adulthood.

Read the entire article at Live Science.

These findings are extremely important for telling how the brain reacts to its surroundings – if a child is especially vulnerable to stress-based damage in his/her early years, learning how to interact and deal with conflict in a healthy way can protect your children. If your child is often exposed to loud, explosive fights or is humiliated or embarrassed by punishment techniques, what could the effects be later on in life? This is not to say we’re all turning our children into drug addicts later on – but new research consistently shows us that our brains are always watching and making note of our lives.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to suffer alone in an unhealthy relationship for one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.You can begin with our passive aggressive system created just for men, at Stop Your Passive Aggression, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

 

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Technorati Tags: abuse, appreciation, Emotional Abuse, emotions, feelings, frustration, hidden anger, humiliation, isolation, respect, Silence

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How do we teach children to manage their own emotions? Can this be done in school or better is left to the family?

Emotional education may not succeed as well in schools as in families, as seen in studies where curriculum about emotions has given the teachers a harder time of it than the students. While there are new projects that seek to facilitate learning about emotion in the classroom, the initial failure of the test reveals the lack of emotional lessons people have received in the home.

Families can educate their children to be emotionally savvy, but they can still run into problems. If they don’t succeed in proper training, the consequences are severe: people can’t connect emotionally, can’t use affectionate words to connect with others they love and their lives are impoverished by that.

Important lessons that need to be taught in the home are:

• Recognizing emotions in oneself and others,

• Understanding the causes and consequences of emotions,

• Labeling the full range of emotions,

• Expressing emotions appropriately in different contexts, and

• Regulating emotions effectively to foster relationships and achieve goals.

It is also important to educate children about the difference between feelings and behavior. Feelings are all acceptable, and all more or less unchangeable – you can’t stop yourself from feeling angry. However, behavior is completely voluntary and controllable – an important fact that can help children grow up aware of their behavior toward others and the effects behavior can have on any interpersonal relationship.

Also, because all feelings are natural and inherent in us, we must learn not to criticize, judge or demean others because of their emotions. This is extremely crucial in a child’s later relationships with partners and family. The lack of this lesson can be seen in relationship that end early because someone can’t commit, can’t let the other person have their opinions, or too often withdraws from a partner they feel is simply too “needy” and “over-emotional.”

Of course, these simple and straightforward subjects can be hard to teach your children if you  are also trying to come to terms with emotions in your adult life. If you need help learning to cope with emotion and be emotionally “fit,” or if you need tips on how to teach this to your children, you can visit Conflict Coach and schedule your own coaching session.

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But what about group interaction? As humans, we have a foundational need to belong to the group – which group you want to belong to, you decide, but you still have a need for company. When we are excluded or “ostracized” in any interaction, it strikes a blow to our self-esteem. This even includes interactions with strangers, such as networking seminars for work, group activities at school, blind dates or any other point where we might be rejected by a stranger. It is also devastating on youngsters; the impact of school bullying, where one person is selected to be rejected by a group of peers, has long lasting effects on self-esteem.

Of course, being rejected by a loved one or family member can be even more painful.

You might already know that passive aggressive behavior often revolves around avoiding rejection – the emotion is so painful that it calls for hurting others first. But even if you’re not passive aggressive, you know what it’s like to be rejected, and you probably subconsciously avoid the emotion. According to Kipling D. Williams, a Purdue University expert, ostracism can cause pain that often is deeper and lasts longer than a physical injury; he calls it an “invisible form of bullying.”

What happens in the brain when we’re rejected? Interestingly, the part of our brains that register physical pain also feel the sting of emotional pain like rejection.

Studies have shown that there is no one personality that is more or less susceptible to rejection and its damaging effects – it happens to all of us. Some of us may cope with rejection differently, however; we may try harder to be included by being more obliging and doing extra favors. Or, we may try to get attention by provoking others or even being aggressive. In extreme situations, continually being rejected can lead us to become overall less friendly and more aggressive to people, acting out on the sadness and pain that we’re feeling. Imagine having an intense wound that rude people kept poking their fingers in – wouldn’t you be angry and stop trusting those who approach saying “I’m only here to help”?

Anyone who is in this situation should know that there is always help out there for those willing to seek it. Even just a wise friend can help you, or a supportive coach. Another tip is to analyze carefully who you’re trying to be included with – are those you’re trying to impress promoting unhealthy ways of life and communication? Remember that your best bet at having a happy life is to surround yourself with others who are accepting and supportive – not negative and harsh.

And of course – remember that you can reject others, too, and cause them pain. Be aware of both your own emotions and those of others in order to put a stop to the vicious cycle of rejecting others by impulse to hurt, without thinking about the pain inflicted.

Do you need help learning how to cope with rejection, or how to know if you are rejecting others without realizing it? A Conflict Coach can help you here, with lessons and tips that will be useful to you in healing. Please visit Conflict Coach today to learn more.

Technorati Tags: abuse, belonging, brain, bullying, communication, Emotional Abuse, emotional needs, emotional pain, interaction, ostracization, ostracized, rejected, rejection, relationship conflict, Relationships, Self-Esteem

Annie’s husband was often abusive to her. Usually, he would get upset if she wasn’t paying him her complete attention. A week before today, she was finishing dictating her daily report for work in the phone, when he began to scream at her for not paying attention to him. He slammed the door when leaving the house. But Annie – even when hurt – did her usual routine: she cleaned, cooked for him and kept the house in order besides attending her full-time job.

She decided that the most adequate response was to continue as if nothing happened; she attributed his behavior to exhaustion and had her best face on when he came home. Was she being empathetic to him? Or was she being a person unable to stand up for herself? Even more important: was her response the right behavior for stopping emotional abuse in the future?

The answer to the last question is “NO.” There are many factors by which people decide to ignore abuse, but it will not make the abuse disappear if you ignore it and be nice to your abuser.

Annie went through much of the early relationship believing that if she could be accepting and supportive, continually creating a loving home atmosphere, her husband’s abusive behavior would disappear. Unfortunately, she was in fact rewarding her husband’s negative behavior.

In response to his temper tantrum, Joe found her being attentive, nice and caring toward him. Ask yourself: why would he change his treatment of his wife if she responds so positively to his abuse?

We know through psychological research that behavior varies depending on its consequences. The “no critique, no punishment” that is Annie’s ideology only sends a message that she can take it, and that Joe will get what he wants when he acts abusively.

Hence, if Annie is nice to Joe when he treats her badly, she is signaling her submission to his anger and teaching him that is OK to continue being abusive.

So, what is the right attitude for healing emotional abuse? A firm, assertive response that clearly expresses your unhappiness. No grey areas here, but a strong condemnation of the abuse, and a definition of what is acceptable in the future.

As in:

“When you become so angry with me that you yell and curse like this morning, I feel really upset and hurt. That abusive behavior threatens the trust I have in you.”

“If this abuse goes on, I will leave the house. I will stay by myself until we can both reconsider what kind of marriage we want and how to get it.”

Learning to speak up assertively has to be following by congruent actions: If you say that you will leave the house temporarily when he yells at you, then do it. There is no other way to teach an abusive husband what are your limits about what kind of behavior will be acceptable.

If you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, being assertive requires respecting yourself. You need to realize that you are worthy of gentle, caring and respectful treatment by the person who says loves you the most. You also need to realize that you have a right to demand that treatment from the person who calls himself your “partner.”

Do you need help learning assertive techniques, or learning how to respect and empower yourself? We have many resources that you can start with:

• A coaching session with Coach Nora to talk about your personal situation and what is best for you.
• “Healing Emotional Abuse,” a book specifically for women who have left (or want to leave) emotionally abusive relationships.
• Our Healing Emotional Abuse blog, dedicated to giving you more information about what emotional abuse is.

You don’t have to suffer silently through abuse for a single day of your life. Learn what your options are today, and start living the life you want NOW.

Technorati Tags: abuse, assertive, emotionally abusive relationships, empowerment, healing emotional abuse, Self-Esteem, stopping emotional abuse

We are now watching this information about a whole society filled with Wounded Children (the name we use here in this blog to name adults carrying around their own, repressed ACEs) doing the best they can to survive the wounds of their childhood, that are produced in and by people in their most significant relationships.

The same place where our birth places us is the home that will give us any one of the adverse experiences listed below,  and in this way will put limits to our future possibility for happiness…

It is highly possible that our parents, by allowing any ACE to happen, are only reproducing the painful conditions of their own childhood; but the reality of us transmitting such pain to the new generations is very difficult to accept.

The ACE Study is an ongoing collaboration between the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and Kaiser Permanente. It is perhaps  the largest scientific research study of its kind, showing a direct, causal relationship between nine categories of adverse childhood experience:

• physical abuse;
• emotional abuse;
• sexual abuse;
• an alcohol and/or drug abuser in the household;
• an incarcerated household member;
• living with someone who is chronically depressed, mentally ill, institutionalized, or suicidal;
• witnessing domestic violence against the mother;
• parental discord indicated by divorce, separation, abandonment;
• emotional or physical neglect

The presence of each one of the Adverse Childhood Experiences determines at least 18 physical, mental and behavioral health outcomes. If you are brave enough, can you identify how many of those experiences were there, in your home when you were growing up?

The more ACEs people have had in their formative years, the higher the rate of mental, physical, behavioral disease and disability in the population, including higher rates of chronic disease, low educational achievement and increased violence.

In the words of the Adverse Childhood Experiences Study authors:

“The ACE Study reveals a powerful relationship between our emotional experiences as children and our physical and mental health as adults, as well as the major causes of adult mortality in the United States.

It documents the conversion of traumatic emotional experiences in childhood into organic disease later in life. How does this happen, this reverse alchemy, turning the gold of a newborn infant into the lead of a depressed, diseased adult?

The Study makes it clear that time does not heal some of the adverse experiences we found so common in the childhoods of a large population of middle-aged, middle class Americans. One does not ‘just get over’ some things, not even fifty years later.”

Whatever we can plan or imagine that would improve relationships in the home, is adding to the possibility that any newborn could have the whole deck of healthy possibilities allowed for his/her future.

http://www.heraldnet.com/article/20110514/OPINION03/705149995

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation (by clicking here), with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

Technorati Tags: aggression, anger, conflict, domestic violence, Emotional Abuse, frustration, healthy relationships, humiliation, isolation, loneliness, love, negative emotions, Relationships, respect, Self-Esteem

This is what happened yesterday: in a general store, getting things for my kitchen, all the decor was full with different kinds of red hearts…Of course! It’s Valentine’s Day!….

Suddenly I found myself grabbing one of the balloons…and my left hand felt curiously small, kind of tiny…it would not let the balloon go as I went through the cashier. She rang everything up and I found myself walking out with a gorgeous red balloon with the “I love you” message screaming across it.

My rational mind asking: what’s going on here? why did you buy this balloon? who is this balloon for?

And the answer was loud and clear:  this balloon is for my inner child…Of course! she needs to hear from me, her adult self, that I cherish her!

As I never forgot her completely, but went through periods in which I could only remember the painful parts of her life I wanted so much to forget, now I have a better picture. I can see all her creativity, her survival skills deploying under extreme duress, emotional abuse and lack of appreciation. I can see her resourcefulness to find small joys in a bleak childhood, which translated into being a smart survivor now…

And this is a good opportunity to tell her, with all my love, that I recognize her, appreciate her tenacity and ability to resist oppression without denying the joys of life. She was a joyful survivor, never a bitter one. Always finding in a bit of sunshine, a flower, or a smile, the energy to keep living, learning and dreaming a better future…Of course you are my Valentine!

To my inner child, now I’m sending this loving Valentine; you deserve it more than anybody else. Wherever the alternative time you are in now, you are in my heart, always…thanks for surviving everything and bringing me here and now!

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to http://conflictcoach.me

Technorati Tags: appreciation, attitude change, Emotional Abuse, feelings, happiness, healthy relationships, love, reconciliation, Self-Esteem