If you are in a big fight, with a lot of screaming, you become an enemy in the eyes of your partner. We are programmed to react as if our beloved partner becomes our worst enemy, thanks to the neural configuration of our brains.

So, if and when you are going to be seen as an enemy, what kind of enemy do you think you are? Are you a good or bad enemy?

Do you avoid confrontation, escape from legitimate arguments or outright reject you partner’s arguments? 

If you fight your battles looking only at your self-interest, forgetting that you are part of a couple, and answering fire with fire, or all you care about is your self-defense, or if you are too proud or stubborn to admit your share of the troubles, that makes you a bad enemy. 

On the other hand, a good enemy does not avoid any arguments, but listens and makes an effort to understand the conflicting situation from the other side’s perspective. If you have strength of character and abundance of patience, you would be able to listen carefully and with enough respect as to make your partner deeply understood. 

If you are able to tolerate the voices, the cries or the attacks, and keep asking for the causes of the anger, then you are able to determine what your partner is crying out for, perhaps because there is a felt need for contact or because the loneliness is expressing itself…

Signs of being a good enemy to your partner:

- You always remember how important is for your partner to feel good about himself each day;

- You are able to offer an apology and thus break communication barriers;

- You praise your partner whenever contributing positive ideas;  

- You recognize and accept your shortcomings and think of ways for you to  

becoming a better partner;

- You treat your partner with respect and dignity at all times.

The skills of a good enemy:

- Never escalate the anger and the screaming;

- Deal with the problems in an easy, calm and self-empowered manner;

- Focus and remember the positive aspects that enhance the relationship;

- Be able to control situations, know when to stop and to say enough;

- Be able to make solid decisions, and sacrifice your self-interest.

You must also understand that in your relationship, to have it surviving and growing you should always work through your problems and settle your differences in a cooperative way.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today, by buying the ebook: Turning Conflicts into True Love”.

Technorati Tags: aggression, angry husband, appreciation, attitude change, conflict, confrontation, emotions, frustration, hidden anger, loneliness, negative emotions

But, where is your own perspective here?

Is there a way to re-discover your life project? A simple, straightforward way to find it again? Well, yes! You need to start by checking your basic needs and how they are solved or unsolved just now.

• The most basic activity is to look at your human needs. Remember, we all have different needs of personal security; variety; love and connection, recognition and transcendence.

• Can you look at this list and identify where are you still starving? Can you make a list of your frustrated areas? Do you need security or love, variety or recognition? Where is your most important hunger?

• Having identified which areas are the most starved, decide if you are waiting for someone to satisfy them. If you are an adult, STOP! and make the commitment to solve your own needs by yourself.

• You need to understand that your first priority is not to get hurt, followed by the need to develop and grow with your needs satisfied.

• Wrestling the control over your needs satisfaction into your own hands, gives you your power back.

When you have recovered your own personal power, you can begin a conversation with anyone around you from a position of power, and not of subordination, as before.

You know how to find solutions to your needs, and this attitude gives you the most important life project: to make yourself happy!

From here on, your self-esteem is linked to the question:

How much do I care to listen and solve my own needs? How much do I provide security, variety and recognition to myself and to others?

Remember that: Once your own needs are solved, you can give to others….but not before.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

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Technorati Tags: appreciation, attitude change, critique, frustration, happiness, recognition, Self-Esteem

It had a dirty secret….if the wife would have different takes on a situation she would have to sneak her views into a conversation, because her husband was the one supposed to do decision-making.

She could suggest, but the final decision (and credit) was not hers. Even if she had, God permit, some really good ideas…she needed to take care of her husband’s face by attributing such ideas to his creation.

And when she felt entitled to some decisions of her own? Several heavy weight traditions would discourage her. Church would preach submission to husbands; society would control her by ridicule. There was little a husband needed to do to “keep her in her place.’’

Even if we accept the benefits of sustaining this state of affairs, times have changed, and this hyerarchical marriage order has disappeared. Has it?

Sometimes I doubt it, because we can see that this male superiority marriage model persists. How? It has taken a different form now given that it’s the husband’s job to enforce her obedience, because society and church have abandoned preaching about wife’s submission to husbands.

It’s left in the hands of a husband to make his wife comply and obey, and to support his authority in the home. How does he do it? Lacking divine authority, there is the tool of emotional abuse to help him make his wife to feel inferior.

How? How come I’m linking persistent male authority with emotional abuse in marriage? Very simple: now, the way to have her humbled and in her place is to make her feel diminished and wrong, being always corrected because being criticized by a higher authority. I know a couple, now in their seventies…she has been all her life a stay-at-home wife and mother. He stills walks into the kitchen and announces to everyone: “she is always burning the food, what is she burning today?”

Is it true? Even if it is, what is the need to shame her in front of her relatives or friends? To prove male superiority, of course! After all those years of marriage, his instincts as the last word, judge and executioner are prevalent. Could he had learned to see her skills with more love and compassion? Could he appreciate more her positive aspects? Of course he could!

What he is doing is using snide comments to inflict public humiliation on her…leting her know who is still the boss. The harsh critiques, negative comments and complaints about her only role are the ways in which she is told to keep her place; if she protests, more abuse will be coming.

Why men do this? They don’t have any obvious need to continuously prove superiority…right? Or is it perhaps their insecurity that forces them to nag, criticize and demean the people who love them the most? So they can show who is the boss?

This attitude is really pathetic and has no place in a healthy marriage… How many divorces do you know, caused by her fatigue at being treated as a lesser, never equal partner?

If you married expecting that your partner would be the person accepting you warts and all; love you and admire you even beyond what you yourself know about your skills…then this is fraud. It means that you can’t trust the person you promised to love above others, because this person is reducing you to a lesser place below him.

Emotional abuse in marriage intent is to support male superiority, but ends up destroying the relationship. Are you in a marriage damaged by emotional abuse applied to support his dominant role? If so, how do you manage to keep your self-esteem alive?

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to http://www.creativeconflicts.com.

Technorati Tags: abuse, appreciation, Emotional Abuse, emotions, feelings, frustration, Healthy Marriage, humiliation, negative emotions, recognition, verbal abuse

1) It’s Your Partner’s Job To Make You Happy.

Has to do with a basic contract in marriage by which we will try to solve reciprocal needs: his need for appreciation will be nurtured by her words, and her need for connection will be satisfied by his dedication.
Otherwise, which is the point in getting married? shouldn’t a marriage be “a society of mutual admiration”?

You bet it is; there is nothing so hurtful that to realize that your partner ignores the same needs that are motivating you to be loving, patient and keep trying to make the marriage a success. anger, frustration and finally contempt inundates a person who sees his honest focus on making the other person happy ignored or rejected.

2) It’s Your Own Job to Make You Happy; your partner is not here to meet all your needs: it is not your partner’s job to make you happy.

This is the response of a social generalized attitude declaring that we are isolated individuals even in the most intimate bond. Given that some demands may be impossible to fulfill, it’s better not to expect a partner to be personally responsible for understanding and satisfying your needs.

Basically, if you share this idea, then you accept that if he/she does not fulfill your needs of being appreciated, loved and connected, it doesn’t mean he/she doesn’t love you. There must be other ways in which this person is expressing his/her connection with you….even if
it is difficult for you to see it.

This position also explains that “First, however, you must be happy with yourself, before another can make you happy.Your partner should be here to grow and share with you.”

The only aspect that really is impossible to fulfill is the required point of having learned to be happy by ourselves…usually, when we find another person to love and marry, we are barely out of the emotional turbulence of our teen years, and still trying to get our act together…
Rarely we know how to love and appreciate who we are! How come then we will so advanced as to know how to be happy before marriage?

The whole adventure of growing up through marriage is the exercise of dealing with our own needs, acknowledge them, see how others are equally starved of love, connection and recognition and learn the humble task of negotiating reciprocal satisfaction of those needs. Now, can you see here the source of endless marital disputes, the hidden need for recognition from the same person we have chosen to love us for ever?

We can know that we have good qualities, but nothing is so strong and nurturing as to see those qualities recognized and valued by the people who are around us…. Going back to the first idea, there is nothing wrong with proposing a “society for mutual admiration”, right?

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Technorati Tags: appreciation, conflict, connection, critique, feelings, frustration, healthy relationships, loneliness, love, Relationships, respect, understanding

The silent treatment, also known as the “cold shoulder treatment,” consists of feigned apathy, total silence, and being distant on purpose. One person displays an attitude of complete disinterest for the spouse, as if the other person would be a complete stranger.

This form of emotional abuse can be very disorienting. Being ignored on purpose by your husband, your most intimate ally crumbles your whole being. The experience can leave you thinking that you have been reduced to the level of a ghost, if your presence is systematically ignored and turned irrelevant.

Typically, the person in control does this as a form of non-physical punishment, with the purpose of showing his anger by making you feel less worthy, not valued, unimportant, and not cared about. Is a very strong negative message delivered in a way that doesn’t leave external traces: there are no signals of physical abuse.

Between the lines, what your abuser is trying to do is to manipulate you in the area of your self image by making you feel reduced to nothing he can show interest on. If he is not seeing you, or your qualities, who are you? Not more than a shadow! Here is a female voice:

“I really don’t know what to do, or say. If I say “can we talk about this?” he will roll his eyes or tell me to shut up. He reconnects when and how he wants…while I wait in despair. I have truly lost hope. I don’t know how much more I can take. When things are good between us life is incredible, but he has this Jekyll and Hyde thing going on… and I always feel like it is my fault, because I don’t know how and why his cold shoulder towards me starts. What did I do to anger him so much as to be so cruel?”

First, this posting is encouraging you to perceive the hidden control under this behavior….by having you waiting for a connection, the more powerful person is showing his control. If you continue asking for explanations, or reasons, or “why are you doing this” questions, you keep confirming the toxic nature of this treatment.

What to do? well, you can always take a step behind, look at the behavior and ask yourself if you have a choice of answering. Perhaps choosing to ignore? changing the subject? doing your own thing? not acknowledging his treatment?
Remember, you have choices!

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to http://www.creativeconflicts.com.

Technorati Tags: Cold Shoulder, Emotional Abuse, healthy relationships, Silence

To really know if you are in the healthy relationship necessary for your personal growth, we need to focus on the human needs we all have, and ask the fundamental question:

How are those needs satisfied through this relationship? How is the other person in your life aware of your needs, and aware of his/her role supporting your needs satisfaction?

We are proposing here that you see this partnership as a mutual agreement by which each other knows that the satisfaction of the needs of his/her partner are the essence of the relationship. If a spouse is not providing security and recognition to the other, where from this person will receive them? And how do you survive in a relationship, if you provide love, connection and recognition in a permanent way to your spouse, but don’t receive the same?

We call abuse when a person uses power to reduce the other person’s will to his will, creating a power asymmetry.

We can also call abuse when a person knows that his/her spouse’s basic satisfaction of her needs depends on him providing enough love, connection and recognition as to make her happy, but willingly denies to do so.

Want to know more? Here you have some needs, see if yours are here, and try to establish, from 0 to 5, how much satisfaction of each need are you receiving (and giving) today. Can you see the need to make some changes?

Basically they  are four important groups of human needs, to be only satisfied through the interaction with other human being:

—NEED FOR SECURITY AND CONSISTENCY

• The need for unconditional emotional support.
• The need for clear, honest and informative answers to questions about what affects you.
• The need for freedom from emotional and physical threat.
• The need for freedom from angry outburst and rage.

—NEED FOR VARIATION

• The need to be accepted when you want something different;
• The need to have your final decisions accepted.
• The need for encouragement and support when you make decisions  different from what others expected.
• The need to live free from undue criticism when experimenting.

—NEED FOR LOVE AND CONNECTION

• The need to be heard by the other and to be responded to with respect and acceptance.
• The need to receive a sincere apology for any jokes or actions you find offensive.
• The need to be respectfully asked rather than ordered.
• The need to have your work and your interests respected.

–NEED FOR RECOGNITION OF YOUR PERSON AS VALUABLE

• The need to for freedom from accusation, interrogation and blame.
• The need to have your own view, even if others have a different view.
• The need for basic good will from the others, regardless who you are.
• The need to have your feelings and experience acknowledged as real.

NOW is your time of reckoning….How well did you do? How many of those needs are in a state of starvation? How long ago did you receive (or give) your last compliment, or expression of sincere appreciation?

Perhaps now we can understand better the silent resentment that simmers in some relationships, when this covenant is not respected and we find people believing that they have no role whatsoever in promoting the happiness of their spouse by solving their deep needs.

If not them, it’s only a question of time that somebody else, by offering the unexpected compliment, could shake to the core this empty marital structure.

This is a brave way of evaluating a relationship, but please, ask yourself:

HOW WELL ARE MY DEEP NEEDS ACCEPTED AND NURTURED IN THIS RELATIONSHIP?

WHAT CAN I DO TO LEARN HOW TO PROVIDE SATISFACTION TO MY PARTNER’S NEEDS?

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to http://www.creativeconflicts.com.

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Technorati Tags: anger, appreciation, control, critique, Emotional Abuse, frustration, Healthy Marriage, healthy relationships, loneliness, recognition, resentment

Want to know what John Shore has to teach you? Just click here now, and you will know

Once you are left without valid reasons to stay in a sad, empty and lonely relationship, you need to know how you can heal from the hurt!

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

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Technorati Tags: abuse, anger, appreciation, domestic violence, Emotional Abuse, emotions, frustration, humiliation, loneliness, Self-Esteem

Unlike physical abuse, emotional abuse may not heal by itself over time. Given that its impact targets more the psychic areas than the body, you could be unconsciously scarred for a long period of time.

Because the damage is on the self-esteem and identity areas, healing emotional abuse means healing primarily both your mind and soul, not your body. Healing an emotionally abusive relationship can only take place once you realize that you are indeed in a power grab, abusive control style of relationship, not an egalitarian one. Prior to this, you need to do the following:

Accepting the sad reality that you are in an abusive relationship is hard and painful, but necessary. You can’t continue thinking that he is “too tired” or “making jokes but not seriously making fun about you.” This is for real a sad place where he tries to humiliate you to keep you under his control.

Being with both feet on the reality ground will give you a good reason to fight back. At this point, the unequal relationship between you and your husband is already twisted. Whatever the explanations he would give about abusing you, he still has no right to humiliate and insult another person…

Want to read more? Here

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Technorati Tags: anger, appreciation, Emotional Abuse, humiliation, Self-Esteem, verbal abuse

Can you ignore it? Of course you can…if it is too painful to remember what it means, right?
Basically, it reminds us of the excitement from love feelings. Love feelings? Ha, what were those, you might ask?

When you first fall in love, there are certain chemicals in your brain that make all your perspective shift into high gear…you really know that you are in love, because you feel it all the time. Your pulse quickens; your heart beats and this delicious feeling of anticipation gives a rosy tint to your (previously boring) life.

You also know what follows: once the first wave of excitement is gone, or destroyed by some unkind comment or nasty put down, dissapointment sets in. You are in a relationship, right, but the pulse-quickening excitement is gone! Now, you tell yourself that at least, you get security being in this relationship, and that has to be enough…

The chemistry of love is based on the brain: every time we produce a feeling or a thought, we can be sure that it is based on a chemical track in our brain. The love excitement felt by the chemicals in the brain is highly addictive!

And we all need that burst of dopamine in the brain that makes us feel alive, excited, deeply connected and successful…either produced by a relationship, or produced from being in love with our own lives.

Well, then, here is a different tack on this Valentine issue: can you get equally excited about loving your own life? Self-love is usually discounted up front, but without a deep connection with yourself, you will always be waiting for others to give you recognition, support and love!

And we all know that putting your self esteem at the mercy of others is not a good starting point for any relationship. Sometimes we accept the pain of a bad relationship as a screen that covers the first hurt: we are abandoning ourselves! We learned that while growing up and being not appreciated in our families; now is normal to feel not worthy of love and connection with others.

If you know that an important part of your happiness is being cared for and appreciated by your partner, be sure that you respect and care for yourself and your own projects first. Whatever makes you happy and gets you excited about your life has to be cared for and included in your life plan, either single or married.

And what is important for you has to be important for any partner you can select: don’t accept that your spouse rejects or ignores an important part of you. It is the equivalent to rejecting a piece of you, so don’t agree of dumping those values or that interest only because he tells you it’s worthless.

Take stock of what you are looking for to make yourself happy. Whatever the kind of emotional abuse you had in your past, we need to remember that the basic task of life: to accept and love oneself is still to be done. We are responsible for a life project that is uniquely ours; nobody else can do it for us. If you didn’t learn to love yourself growing up, why can’t you accept this Valentine day to begin doing it?

Only when we recover the path to self-development, we get in touch again with this wonderful person inside us waiting to grow up, be mature and independent and able to enter only into relationships full of support and respect.

Now, isn’t it a wonderful Valentine message to be able to look us in the mirror and say: “Here is to you and your happiness, lovely girl! Happy Valentine!”

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Technorati Tags: abuse, appreciation, love and connection, respect, Self-Esteem, Valentine's Day

1.- Not Giving Your Partner the First Place.
You will be sending a sad message: work, soccer, your own family…everything can be more important than this person you have chosen to share your life. Giving this person very little attention is active neglect, and it sends a very strong message. If you consistently neglect your partner, you can be assured that any love feelings will not be strong enough as to keep the marriage going.

EXAMPLE: “I have always been jealous when Hubby devotes more time, money, or respect to other people, regardless of family relation, or male or female. I hated him for spending all his free time chatting with other women, and then spending hundreds of dollars to visit them. Even if it wasn’t sexual, I was super jealous, since he never spends quality time on me, or buys me gifts or gives me a break from the kids to give me free time….I feel always the second priority in his love”

2.- Allowing Yourself to Have Angry Outbursts.
Anger is a normal reaction. At some time, each one of us gets angry. It’s what you do with your anger that can harm your relationship. The caution here is that even when you are angry, be respectful and reassure your partner that you are just angry, not dismissing or un-loving them. And if you are angry at your partner, be sure to express the reasons for that anger in a way that the other person can accept and understand. No personal attacks, and a lot of Fair Fighting is necessary!

EXAMPLE: I go through monthly cycles of feeling tense, then attacked, then attacking to defend myself, then seeking a way to reconciling, and finally calm.I never know how to stop the cycle when it begins…

3.- Hurling Unfair Accusations against your Spouse.
Perhaps you are very afraid of losing him/her and then think that you need to control them using negative comments on their behavior. If you begin accusing your partner of not caring about you, having never loved you, or whatever else negative comment you can fabricate, STOP!

EXAMPLE: “To me, when she is five minutes late from work, her delay prompts my fantasies that she is late because she is having an affair, and then whatever she does is equivalent to not being caring or attentive enough or intentionally trying to hurt me, and all hell breaks lose…”

Accusations are abusive, get you nowhere and only show that you are out of control! In this way, you are actively destroying reciprocal trust. Scare your partner and she will become defensive, more prone to hide information from you, and the negative spiral of accusation, and mistrust will end up killing your relationship. Making an angry temper tantrum is not the adult way to go. If there is something you need to talk with him/her, sit down and ask in a courteous way what is going on and respect the other person’s limits.

4.- Constant Fighting.
If you are constantly bickering with your partner, it is urgent for you to learn some skills as how to be an active listener. If you cannot effectively do this exercise, then you might want to seek professional counseling. Fighting with your spouse all the time is akin to being angry all the time, and when it happens in public, humiliates both of you. Write in a piece of paper the list of your complaints, ask for some dedicated time to talk, and do some negotiation about the issues that irritate you. After that, forget your mood and try to be optimistic and joyful. Life doesn’t owe you anything, remember?

5.- Making negative comments, in a repetitive way.
These don’t serve any kind of healthy relationship, and you should particularly avoid them if you want to keep the other person happy. There is always a cleaner, more direct way to communicate your needs than being demeaning, and doing negative critiques about your spouse to your friends, or in public! this is basically dishonest and reveals how childish your behavior can be. Even better, could you train yourself in being appreciative of her presence in your life? Talk about the joy this person brings to your life, finally?

EXAMPLE: “I really need to do something. I don’t want to feel worthless, powerless and insignificant to a man for the rest of my life. I don’t want to set an example to our sons that wives should be so passive…I feel like a doormat, somebody without self-respect.”

Married life is a continuous education on the multiple ways to fulfill the partner’s needs for love, connection and appreciation…watching carefully the old ways of interaction with others that convey control, dominance or lack of respect.

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! And get a look at her ebook about managing passive aggression

Technorati Tags: anger, conflict, confrontation, critique, emotions, frustration, Healthy Marriage, healthy relationships, passive aggression