When domestic violence happens, how can the relationship damage be repaired?
A personal experience
My husband’s aggressive behavior towards me has been a persistent issue in our marriage, and it started just a few weeks after we got married. He would give me the silent treatment for days and continued to be nasty even after I asked him what was wrong. The physical abuse escalated three months into our marriage, with one instance involving him choking me. He threw me on the bed and started choking me. I was crying and pleading for him to stop!
Despite my attempts to address the problems and communicate with him, he never accepted responsibility or gave me a truthful explanation. He refused to talk about the issues and would just shake his head or look away silently. This lack of communication and accountability has caused me immense distress and continues to burden our relationship. He just looks at me with no response when I remember things from the past like being disrespectful or inconsiderate in public. He never answers my questions nor gives a response to the truth I speak about to him. He just looks at me or looks away silently shaking his head. No talk, no apology whatsoever!
Given the real need for a good apology to repair the hurt, how do we do a good one?
“You knew I was tired but insisted on asking me to do things I don’t want to do…
We are fast to “forget the hurt” and go back to normal
How do we know when an apology is sincere?
- Expression of regret
- Explanation of what went wrong
- Acknowledgment of responsibility
- Declaration of repentance
- Offer of repair
- Request for forgiveness
Let’s look at the two components in bold:
Acknowledgment of responsibility:
5.- Offer of repair:
Expression of regret, explanation of what went wrong, and declaration of repentance all carried similar weight and came in third in terms of importance to the receiver.
Request for forgiveness was the least effective ingredient and one concluded the researchers, that it could be skipped if necessary.
If you offer a good apology, there is still the chance that the other person can’t accept it now.
In other words, you cannot force your victim’s forgiveness even if you put together a good apology that includes points 3 and 5 (bitter aspects as they are).
The recipient of violence needs time and process to move on from the hurt of the attack, and it is impossible to determine when and if forgiveness can happen.
Trust is broken by using violence, and it takes a long time to rebuild.
The research:
Nora Femenia is a well-known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Get to know her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions, and life-changing Coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more!
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