Almost 20 years of work as clinical psychologist and after that, as family mediator, generated a very persistent question. “Why do people tear down the same relationship they fought so hard to create and they need so much to be happy?” Or, why do we repeat the same hurt which was inflicted on us before on others now, knowing that we will only reap more suffering and happiness will be more and more elusive?

Again and again, clients would describe the vicious cycle they experienced with their loved ones…starting with the original enthusiasm, developing a lot of constant friction in their marriages, suffering humiliation, loneliness and bitter isolation. Sometimes divorce is a relief from this pain, but the learning received from it is not guaranteed, and we can repeat again the same confrontations…

Each person of the couple would be a regular individual in his or her own terms, but together they are locked into a kind of interaction able of drawing the worst attitudes of each….how do we get to this point? Even better, how do we teach people to stop the self-destruction and re-build a relationship both of them can trust?

We both want to explore ways of proposing healing relationships for people attacking their happiness choices because they understand they need to win the spousal war.

There are no winners in this battle, only losers. And a lot of them…families, children, friends, whoever is around and doesn’t receive a peaceful message but a confrontational (“I win; you lose”) one, is affected.

In this way, we train the new generation of children in the same kind of unhappiness our own fathers condemned us into, repeating the circle of misery again and again…Time to have a fresh approach!

We believe that people get into relationships to fulfill the need for self-expression and developmental learning we all share. It is part of our life mission to learn how to interact, help and love each other better.

Once you have chosen a partner, (or a partner is given to you) your mission is to learn some life lessons with this person, through the interactions with this person, or regardless this person’s input in your life. Even an enemy can be a friend when he/she teaches you some necessary life lessons…here we offer the different concept of “How to be a good enemy,” meaning how to learn confronting with respect.

What are the solutions?

Our solutions are coming from the fields of psychology, conflict resolution and the practice of family mediation in different social environments and cultures. Also a good dose of common sense and reality is included…together with the Appreciative Framing: how are family systems performing when they are at their most positive point of satisfaction, and how we can recover this ability to interact so well?

And what are the solutions composed of?

We start up a permanent dialogue with readers who visit our blog. It begins when we do a creative process of researching what is new or old, but useful approach on the field(s); then we do writing and ebook preparing and then we share ideas with you, the other side of this message. Tools and strategies need to be used, criticized, retooled and tried again to fill the needs of suffering people wherever they can be.

We offer them from here, Creative Conflict Resolutions, and then we engage in a dialogue with people like you, who need questions answered, special situations examined and support given.

FIRST PRINCIPLE:

· IT IS NEVER TOO LATE: We want to offer some hope that change is always possible, even when unilaterally started. Nobody needs to be locked into a constant battle of attack and self-defense with an intimate enemy, if some attitude change is done.

SECOND PRINCIPLE:

· COURAGE AND HONESTY ARE BASIC TO RESTORE TRUST: We want to offer easy to apply, common sense strategies for healing relationships that go to the heart of the relationship wound.

The usual problem-solving strategies offered in other sites weren’t able to do realistic interpersonal solutions, but rather, were serving as instrumental band-aids. For instance, no one in my field was telling women how they could fight back in a loving way and take control of humiliating situations by implementing positive, solution-based actions. Communicating better your wishes and needs is one of the keys!

With a lot of feedback from clients, readers and conflict parties, we investigated lots of reading materials, listened to hundreds of patients, and opened communication lines with people from various backgrounds. In the end we were left with one single, powerful concept.

We must learn how to constantly HEAL AND REPAIR our relationships. We have been programmed to either fight or quit when a relationship becomes strained. We needed to learn how to cure our ailing relationships, not run from them.

If we aren’t working to heal our relationships then we aren’t using the right tools to build strong, healthy, long lasting connections, based on mutual love and respect.

The competition-based theory proposing that relational life needs to produce winners and losers is detrimental to a positive relationship.

When one partner exerts power in an effort to control or manipulate the other, and the other partner accepts this control, happiness is diminished. Unless both partners are encouraged to maintain their self-respect and dignity, love will not prosper.

The turning point in our research occurred when we finally heard what people were not able to express clearly. They were craving support, understanding, and compassion from their partners! Such support was not being provided because of the permanent confrontation…

And they had also forgotten a basic truth: that the source of our own power lies inside us. And needs to be recognized, accepted and used. They were wrong seeking permission to be themselves…the permission to reassert their values and reclaim the respect and self-value they needed for a happy life is already inside.

At that point we began developing the tools people could use to accomplish exactly this goal. We knew that people want to be happy. Even more: They want to be happy with their current partner, because learning how to be happy is their life task! Is it your life task also?

The project of Creative Conflict Resolutions now is to find and offer you the tools which would transform any relationship from a damaged, unhappy state, into one of reciprocal cooperation. There is no longer a need for winners and losers.

There is only room for mutual help, understanding, and respect. You can learn to transform any relationship into acceptance, recognition and love. How can we learn from each other, how can we learn from you and you from us?

Nora Femenia, Neil Warner