This is the time of in the year that will give us the courage to look into failed relationships and undo the path of conflict and hard feelings… If it not now, when?
So, you are going this blessed year 2008 to give the best gift possible, the only gift nobody can buy. A Healed Relationship!
It comes from a generous, if wrongheaded heart, and is a jewel for the person receiving it.
Are you still here with me?
OK, please, think of the most awful confrontation of this year…take a bit of time and remember the one that left you with a bitter taste, like “is this what our relationship is coming to?”
Don’t escape yet; allow your memory to recover most of the interaction with this person…It doesn’t matter if the reason for the fight was a petty one (most of them are). I want you to remember the angry feelings that pushed you to confront this person –that you love very much—in exactly the worst way.
Now, do you remember your anger? Good, then be in that anger for a second, and let it evaporate in the fog of the past….it’s gone. Isn’t it pathetic how do we fight for things that, seen from a distance, were silly, petty claims? Isn’t it silly to try to decide who is right or who is wrong, if we end up hurting each other so much?
STILL, the fight left deep wounds, and the other person has lost some of the previous trust on you. There is a silent gap, a more careful version of the past relationship…dancing around the memory of the shouting match that followed.
Nothing of that matters now, you are going to reconcile with this person. Are you ready? This is not the time to chicken out….this is the time to get whole again!
Here are the steps
1.- Work on Yourself:
Go through the memory of the incident and answer this question: how much of what happened was your responsibility? You need to move away from the victim-villain dialogue and see clearly what did you do to initiate, escalate or make the fight so destructive. Was there something that you needed, that you could have asked for in a nicer way? Were you trampling on other people’s feelings and did not care about that?
Being accountable only acknowledges that it takes two to have a good fight, and that we all try to impose ourselves on others.
2.- Accept The Impact On The Other Person, According To Her Own Feelings:
Listen to her version of the incident in silence, say sincerely “I do understand,” and validate her perspective saying: “Thanks for sharing with me your side of the story.”
3.- Offer An Apology For Your Own Behavior:
“ I’m sorry about the way I handled my side of this fight. I love you and did not mean to do anything except know more about how we can approach our relationship better. Can we talk about the issue and this time I will control my feelings and listen to your needs instead of yelling at you?
4.- Ask For Forgiveness:
“I did not know how you felt about this issue, because I was only listening to my frustration. Can you forgive my behavior? I now can see better what was going on between us. I want to be able to deal with our disagreements without fighting with you.”
IF you give yourself the gift of forgiveness, you will be one step ahead towards understanding that other people’s point of view is as valid as yours. From here, is easy to feel our shared fears and emotions, and then feel compassion for the other side, and for your own clumsiness…what you wanted was to be a loving companion and not an aggressor, but you didn’t know how! (And in point 4 you can even cheat a bit: use flowers or a small gift to reinforce the asking for forgiveness, but you have to say the phrase: “please, forgive me.”)
YES, you understood it well, Point 5 is about
5.- Forgive Yourself.
Breathe deeply and give your inner clumsy guy a pat on the back and say: “Next time, you know how to do it better…”
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
About the Author
Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to https://www.creativeconflicts.com.
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