Do you remember the times when it felt as if everything you did was being watched and scrutinized by your man, all done with a suspicious and angry attitude? As if trying to catch you on something despicable? Making you feel like a berated child?
It makes you feel always unsure of being accepted or loved…walking on eggshells because of feeling tense, confused and utterly lonely… has it happened to you?

And you can’t win, because whatever you do, something will not be perfect and you will fail the grade, and be found inferior. Did we choose a husband or a preceptor with demanding standards for everything? It looks like our loved one has transmogrified in the persecutory entity, always supervising and grading us.

This is not the marriage between equals we wanted!

You know, sometimes we women need to disengage from the notion that his behavior is our responsibility, because something we did or didn’t do is causing his anger. But probably 90% of the times, it will have to do with something inside himself, which makes him feel insecure or threatened…and is covered fast by attacking everything on you.

I know, I know, don’t roll your eyes….you already know how childish he can be, so what’s new? Well, the new thing is to ascribe the origin of his critique not to something you did, but to something inside him!

Like in:

“Oh, you are not happy with the way I just prepared your salad? Well, it being the same salad I do for you every day, what else inside you are you not happy with today?”

Of course, you don’t need to tell him exactly this, but you get the idea…what is needed here is a strong effort to detach yourself from automatically accepting guilt or responsibility for his moods, and inviting him to deal with them by himself, without resorting automatically to guilt you.

This is the first step in a healthy relationship: each one is the owner of his/her emotions, responsible for changing them if they are not of their liking, and should not use the loving partner as a reservoir for them.

Make this principle part of your shared life and you will see that things begin to improve! You will be building your self-confidence and your skills at knowing what part of the relationship dynamics is your responsibility and what is his…and you will nip emotionally abusive behaviors in the bud.

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to http://www.creativeconflicts.com.

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