Sometimes, the key to a happy marriage is but a political one. Which one? the power sharing issue, of course!

The male desperation to keep the female under control by either physical, sexual, economic and psychological ways shows up in so many ways. If we see a husband controlling whatever resources the wife can have, either the food money or her income or her time, we can assume there is a man insecure of his role as a man.

Is this surprising? of course not, there has been in process a transformation in gender roles, from authoritarian to egalitarian partnerships, still under way. This is also a personal transformation required from today’s husbands, if they want to be part of a relationship which makes both sides happy.

We are all familiar with the thousand ways in which we can recognize coercion and power games from the husband to the wife, and sometimes the other way around…This exercise of the “male privilege” is a relic of the past, but much cherished when men don’t know how to be otherwise…most social models portray a man who knows best and has all the answers…

Adults know how much insecurity is hidden behind this charade, but anyhow some men tend to believe it’s their duty to prevail over their spouses. This is a good example of what we call “winning the battle but losing the war strategy.” It is not a surprise that it generates a lot of resentment and anger.

If we could educate young boys and men in the art of sharing decision-making with their female partners, we could eliminate one of the ugliest scars of relationships, the push to use control which becomes the path to interpersonal abuse and domestic violence.

Marriage is a game in which both sides agree to learn from each other to be able to develop into grown up people. It is impossible to do so if there is not an opening up to receive and to give.

Receiving, for the blockaded male soul, means being open and respectful of her ideas and influence.

How difficult is this for any man? A little bit of emotional intelligence can go a long way…perhaps the husband only needs to remember that his best role is to:

-listen to the other side;
-make joint decisions;
-accept that her side is important;
-value her perspectives;
-even when making the decision, integrate her views in it.

Just forgetting the need to win over the other side is a great step ahead. Another big step is to learn how to fight fair in your marriage.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

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