Sometimes, it looks like we are immersed in a constant battle for power and control; there is always (a boss, a relative, even a spouse) putting us down in a daily basis….all for the sake of control.

What a refreshing event is it when we are treated with respect and care! The world needs more TLC, not more battles for preserving and growing control. However, we hear frequently people who tell variants of this interaction:

“I received some comments from my team supervisor, done in public and with such angry voice, that it blocked my capacity to hear the message…I was so humiliated by him, it was impossible to understand what I need to do better, because my shame is overwhelming…”

Is it perceived as an intrusion? as a way of behavior control? as the demeaning message that says that the receiver is not adequate, wise, hard working or acceptable enough to qualify?

The only way to measure is to ask: is the person at the receiving end grateful or angry? happy or humiliated? able to understand and accept this as valuable information or blocked and mad by anger?

Verbal abuse is a kind of psychological intrusion which tends to put the recipient in a painful situation: either ashamed, humiliated, or feeling not good enough for the interaction with the abusive person.

Perhaps you can say: well, this is pretty normal stuff, right? It is “normal” in a society where there has to be some people superior, which begs the need to have inferiors…Control of ones over the others is carried by subtle and not so subtle discriminatory measures that tend to build barriers to “keep people in their place.”

We have all inherited this poison; and is very rare to find people who are considerate and accepting of all others, based in their basic humanity. We all have our biases, and doing emotional abuse is a way to confirm that we are in some aspect or other, above the rest.

The pain it causes to others usually is accepted as part of a normal interaction, which is not. The endless stories of our friends telling of feeling intimidated, trashed or rejected by others will continue.

This situation is what makes finding a person really egalitarian, which treats everybody with respect, a rare and delightful opportunity…

Transitioning from abusive relationships to healthy ones require, sometimes, a very healthy confrontation and the freedom to say “STOP” to any abuser we interact with.

Remember that you give implicit permission to the abusive partner if you don’t reject that kind of behavior up front. Perhaps following your gut feeling, and saying out loud: “STOP saying things that make me feel hurt and disrespected, or I’ll walk out” can send the right message and help you recover your self-esteem.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

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